“Debs or your mum?” She shot him a wry smile as the orchestra started playing the before service music.
“Debs.”
“I can understand. And yes, of course it’s all right. I’ll get a train back to Trelawney.”
“I thought you could come with me. They’d love to see you.”
“Jace, Debs would assume we were back together. I’ll be fine going back alone.”
“I’d rather you didn’t. I’ve already explained to Vic that we’re working together down here this week.”
The service started, ending the conversation, for which Freddie was grateful. During the first hymn, Jason’s hand brushed against hers for an instant before he pulled it away, shoving it into his pocket. “Sorry. Old habits die hard.”
She nodded and transferred the hymn book to her other hand, remembering how he’d hold her hand during every hymn. Why was this so hard?
The sermon was on Romans chapter eight, and as Pastor Taylor spoke, Freddie glanced at Jason. He was scribbling notes. Then something caught her attention, echoing in her mind. She glanced up at the pulpit.
“Once God is with you, there is nothing that can separate you from Him. Paul here writes a whole list of things that scare us, that could separate us from those we love. But not from God. You could climb to the top of Mount Everest or sink to the bottom of the deepest ocean, but He is still with you. You’ll never be alone, isn’t that wonderful?”
Never alone...would be nice
. She looked down at the Bible on Jason’s lap, listening to what Pastor Taylor said.
“So in conclusion, we have four negatives in this passage. There is no unconquerable foe, no one who is stronger when we have God with us and on our side. Yes, we’ll have trials and bad days and go through the fires and all the torments life throws at us and we may never know why, but we can overcome them with God on our side. There is no uncertainty in God’s love for us. He loved us so much, that He gave His Son to die for us. Isn’t that amazing? Children are so precious, but God didn’t hold back His own, so great was His love for us.”
Love is always conditional. Something always more important than me comes up.
“There is no condemnation for those who believe in Jesus. He took your sin, made it His own, that you might be righteous in God’s sight. You are no longer condemned. Four negatives point to one positive and provide solid ground under our feet. Nothing you can do, nowhere you can go can take His love away from you.”
Freddie stood to sing the last hymn, her mind whirring and an uncomfortable feeling inside. She couldn’t describe how she felt, other than alone. There was a huge gaping hole in her heart.
She sat as soon as the benediction was over and waited for Jason to finish praying. As soon as he opened his eyes, she looked at him. “Can we go now?”
He nodded, folding his jacket over his arm. “He was good. What did you think?”
“I think you’re biased, but...”
“But?”
A heavy feeling settled in the pit of her stomach. Her feet itched with a desire to run. She wasn’t sure if it was fear or the frustration at being unable to fix things. “I don’t want to talk about this. This whole “church” thing just makes me uncomfortable. Can we please go now?”
“Is it my fault? Is it because I left you?”
“We’ve already talked about this.”
“But we didn’t resolve anything.” Jason took a deep breath, his intent gaze holding hers. “You’d have resented it, resented me.”
“That’s rubbish. I love...loved you. I’d have willingly followed you anywhere. My faith may not have been as strong as yours, but it was there. And I’m here now, aren’t I?”
“I know. What’s stopping you from coming back? God loves you. He died for you. You may have let go of Him, but He’ll never let go of you. He’ll never stop loving you.”
Freddie turned to look at him. Fifteen years of resentment boiled up inside her and spilled over. “You told me you loved me, more than once, and you left. You stopped loving me, Jason. You took my love and threw it out with the rubbish. How can I trust anyone, now?”
“No, you’re wrong. I never stopped loving you.”
“Then why did you do it? Did this mission society have some rule about not wanting married men?”
“Freddie, I...”
“That’s it, isn’t it? They wanted single men, and you chose that over me.” She stood up. “Well, no more. I was a fool once, and I’ll not let you make a fool of me again.”
She got up and marched down the aisle. She left the church, ignoring Pastor Taylor standing on the doorstep. Which way was the train station? Did it really matter? She sure wasn’t going to go back in and ask Jason, or ask the pastor on the door.
“Freddie, wait up.”
She started walking. A hand grabbed her arm.
“Freddie, please. We have to talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about, Jason.”
“Yes, there is. I feel like a total heel, here.”
Bitterness and anger flooded into her voice. “Good. I’m glad you do. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be rejected because there was something so fundamentally wrong with me I couldn’t be trusted and loved enough to share a missionary life? To tell my family and friends there wasn’t going to be a wedding because my fiancé had left me for the love of Someone else?”
“I said I’m sorry. Freddie, please, just let me explain.”
“I don’t want to hear your feeble excuses, Jason. Just leave me alone. It’s not an issue of love, now. It’s an issue of trust. You left me, and it’s the way things will always be.” She shook free of him and ran.
****
Jason stood there, his whole body numb, as she turned and ran down the street. The shockwaves caused by the hollow gaunt expression in her eyes and the ice in her voice, still rippled through him. Now what? Did he follow her on foot? Did he go and get the car?
God, what do I do?
Desperation filled him, spilling over into his prayers.
Please, tell me what to do.
“Is everything all right, Jace?” His brother-in-law’s voice came from beside him.
“No. I messed up, Vic. What do I do?” Jason’s fists clenched, as torment flooded his heart.
“Go after her and explain everything properly. She’ll understand.”
“She won’t. She even threw away her faith because of me. She thinks because I left her alone, God has, too.”
“You know that’s not true. And you can’t let her run off in a strange town. Not when she’s upset. It’ll only make things worse in the long run.”
“What have I done?” Jason shuffled his feet, rubbing his hands in agitation.
“Don’t worry about that now. Just go and find her. Talk to her.”
Torn, Jason closed his eyes. A battle waged within. “I promised I’d come see Debs and the baby today.”
A light hand touched his shoulder. “Debs will still be there tomorrow, and she’d say the same thing. Right now you need to go and find Freddie and put things right with her. That’s your priority. You know I’m making sense.”
“That’s why you’re the pastor and I’m the screw-up.” Jason sighed.
“You’re a lot of things, Jace, but a screw-up isn’t one of them.”
****
Jason ran to the car, praying she’d be waiting. She wasn’t.
Where do I start? She doesn’t know the area, she could be anywhere
.
He got in the car and dropped the keys. Bending to pick them up, he straightened, only to crack his head on the steering wheel. He shoved the key into the ignition and turned it, clutching at his head.
Nothing.
“Oh, come on, don’t do this to me!”
He tried again. Still nothing.
“I don’t have time for this.”
Jason drew in a deep breath.
Lord, please. Help me find her and put it right. Or at least try to. Then if it’s what she really wants, I’ll go home and send someone else to help her with this case. And I’ll keep my word and not tell Edwin anything. I’ll give her the time she asked for.
He turned the key again. This time the engine fired.
Thank you
. Jason pumped the accelerator a couple of times, and pulled out of the parking lot. He drove slowly, hoping the police wouldn’t pull him over for curb crawling. That would make a bad day just about perfect.
This is like looking for a needle in a haystack. She could be anywhere. Maybe she’ll ask directions to the station and get a train, like she said earlier
.
Jason reached the station without a trace of her. Swinging into a parking bay, he pulled out his phone and called Freddie. The phone rang and rang.
Please, let her be all right
.
“Please, Freddie, pick up.” Still not getting a reply, he closed his eyes.
What did she used to do years ago when she needed to think?
An image of a running track popped into his mind. Him and Freddie running, trying to beat the other, and her crossing the line a good three feet in front of him. She’d teased him for months about being unfit.
Is this from You, Lord? I haven’t thought about that in years.
The image sharpened, the track now unfamiliar, but the feeling he was too late deepened. He dialed the phone again as he pulled out the map and studied it.
There’s a running track in the park about a block from here. Lord, is this where I should go?
The phone picked up and relief flooded him.
“Freddie, it’s Jason. Don’t hang up on me.” He caught his breath at the sound of wheezing through the phone.
No, please, not now
.
“Freddie, where are you?”
“...Can’t...bre...”
Jason’s heart accelerated with desperation. He couldn’t lose her, not now, not like this, with so much unresolved tension between them. But if he hung up to call an ambulance, he might never get her back. And where would he send it? If he was wrong about the park, then he’d just delay her getting treatment. Keeping her on the phone, might keep her conscious for longer.
A still small voice spoke within him. “Peace, My son. Trust Me.”
Yes, Lord, I’ll trust you
. “It’ll be all right, Freddie. Find your inhaler. I need you to take three big puffs for me.”
“...Empty...Jace...”
“Hold on. I’m on my way.” Jason put the phone on speaker and drove towards the park. God was leading him there. The wheezing from the phone got worse.
How can her inhaler be empty? She knows better than that, especially after that kid the other day
.
“Freddie, you stay with me, you hear?” There was no answer, only the gasping for breath. Jason kept talking as he drove, praying aloud in a desperate plea.
Screeching to a halt, gravel hitting the sides of the car, Jason turned off the engine and leapt out in one movement. He put the phone to his ear. “All right, Freddie, I’m in the park. Where are you?”
“...tra...”
Tra? Is that track or part of a longer word? Please, Lord, a little help?
As if an invisible force touched him, Jason turned and his legs moved.
All right, this way it is.
He ran, heart pounding. Glancing around, he saw a crumpled figure sitting on the ground by a tree. “Freddie!”
His stomach plummeted as he realized how blue she appeared. He’d seen her have asthma attacks in the past, but nothing like this. He dropped to his knees beside her.
“It’s all right, I’m here.”
What do I do? Think...what did she do with that kid? Inhaler...clothing...she did something to his shirt. I can’t undo hers
.
Freddie’s breathing worsened, her face straining with the effort to breathe.
His fingers trembled as he undid the top two buttons on her shirt. He picked up the inhaler and shook it. It sounded wrong. He placed it in her mouth and pressed it.
Her eyes opened for an instant. “No...good...can’t...”
Terror filled him. It was empty. If she didn’t get help soon, she’d die. He wasn’t going to lose her again. Not now he’d found her.
“I’ll take you to the Emergency Department. It’ll be quicker to drive you than wait for an ambulance. Just stay with me.” Scooping her into his arms, Jason ran back to the car.
Freddie’s wheezing increased. As he reached the car, she slumped against him, her eyes staring up at him.
Please, God, don’t let her die.
13
Freddie opened her eyes. Everything was a blur. She reached automatically for her glasses, but they weren’t there. Bright lights illuminated the stark white room.
Where am I?
She pulled away whatever was on her face. Something sharp stuck in the back of her hand and she pushed experimentally against it. Pain soared.
What’s going on?
There was a person-shaped blur next to her. “I can’t find my glasses.”
“They’re here.” Jason’s deep voice spoke with unaccustomed concern and tenderness as he pressed them into her other hand, before putting the mask back over her face. “And you need to leave this on.”
She put them on. As everything sprang into focus, her gaze followed the hand, up the arm, across the broad chest and to the stubbled face. “Jason?”
“Hey, sleeping beauty.” His smile widened as he pressed the button to call the nurse. “I was wondering when you’d wake.”
“Where am I? What happened?”
“You’re in Penarth General Hospital. You had a really bad asthma attack. I found you on the running track in the park. You passed out in the car. You’ve been out of it for a while.”
Freddie tried to move the mask again.
“Leave it. You needed a lot of help.” He squeezed her hand. “Doc says you’ll be all right with some rest.”
His touch felt so good. “My inhaler was empty.”
“Yeah, you should know better than to let it run out, especially after the attack that kid had. The docs weren’t impressed either.”
She shook her head in frustration. “I didn’t let it run out. It was full when I left home, and I’ve only needed it twice since we’ve been away.” She tried to push up, flustered, her free hand waving. “Besides, I have a back-up in my suitcase at the guest house. It shouldn’t have been empty.”