After the Rains (31 page)

His heart was beating a hundred miles an hour, and the restaurant suddenly felt like an oven. He pulled his chair closer to the table and leaned his head toward hers. Squeezing her hand, he looked into her eyes. “Natalie Camfield, I love you. And I want to marry you.”

“Evan—” There was disbelief in her voice. He wasn’t sure if that was good or bad.

He held up a warning hand. “I know we both have to finish school and there’s a lot to consider financially. But if you’re going to be running around with guerrillas and poisonous snakes and”—he shrugged—“whatever else is out there, well, I just want you to know where you stand with me. I love you, and I want you in my future more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life.”

“Oh, Evan. I— I do love you. But I’m not sure …” She stared at her plate.

His heart seemed to quit beating while he waited for her to finish.

Finally she looked up and there were tears in her eyes. “Evan. I don’t know what to say. There’s something I haven’t told you … something I’m not sure I even knew until now …”

“What are you saying?”

“I don’t even know how to explain it.”

“Try.” He somehow knew that what came next was going to hurt him deeply.

She took a deep breath. “Evan, I don’t think I’m ready to talk about this yet. I need some time. I’m so sorry, but there are some things going on in my head that I have to figure out before I can even think about marriage.”

“What kind of things? What are you trying to say, Natalie?”

“I promise we’ll talk this out, but I have to think about what I want out of life. I have to pray about it.”

He spread his hands in a gesture of dismay. “I tell you I love you and that I want to marry you. You’re evading the question— It’s obvious you don’t feel the same about me as I do for you.” He took out his wallet and dug out a twenty and slapped it on the table.
Never mind the change
. He pushed the chair back and grabbed his coat off the back of it.

Natalie scrambled for her coat and purse and followed him out of the restaurant, calling his name. “Evan, please. I’m sorry. Evan … wait.”

He kept on walking.

Twenty–Six

T
hey drove through the dark in complete silence. Though Natalie knew she had hurt Evan’s feelings, she also knew that voicing her thoughts would only make things worse.

He pulled into the driveway at her apartment, but he made no move to turn off the ignition.

“I’m sorry, Evan. I … I know I just blurted things out that I shouldn’t have. I wish I could make you underst—”

He put a hand on her arm. “Hey, we both said some things we shouldn’t have. Maybe we both just need to go home and pretend this night never happened.” He immediately looked remorseful. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. But I guess— Well, we need to think things through, pray about things. We’ll talk later, okay?”

She nodded, but a deep sadness came over her. She knew that over the last few weeks, something had changed between them. Or maybe she was the one who had changed. Whatever it was, she wasn’t sure they would ever be the same.

She let herself into the apartment and threw her purse on the desk. Amy was on the phone, but she waved a tacit greeting. Natalie pillowed her head on her hands, indicating that she was going to bed.

She showered, put on her warmest pajamas, and climbed under the quilts on her bed. But nothing could ward off the chill in her heart. Poor Evan. She’d been so unfair to him. He had proposed, and all she could do was give him a lame answer about some mysterious thing that she wasn’t even sure of herself.

But Evan’s declaration of love had frightened her. He had forced her to finally admit to herself what she’d known deep in her heart for some time now.

She was going to Colombia.

And not just for a visit. She wanted to live there with her father, to
work among the Timoné people, to make a difference. She had spent too many years feeling that the only difference she’d made in people’s lives was a horrific one—one that had taken away a daughter, a sister, a friend. Forever. Too much of these past few years had been lived in regret for one mistake that could never be undone. But she had the rest of her life to make up for what she’d caused. Nothing before had ever been
enough
. She’d done her time in jail. She’d done her community service, but that had been no sacrifice on her part. In fact, she’d enjoyed the work at the childcare center immensely. She’d done what she could to set things right with Sara’s family. And that, too, had backfired and ended up being a blessing to her. Except Jon—he had seen through her, and deservedly so. Now she had a chance to truly make a sacrifice that meant something. To give her whole life over to a mission of eternal consequence.

She thought about how she would break the news to Evan. What would this mean for them?

Tears came to the surface as she thought of what a blessing Evan had been to her. His love, his complete empathy, had been an important part of her healing. But she felt torn now between him and this new direction that compelled her.

She thought about telling Mom and Daddy, but she knew they, too, would try to discourage her.

But she’d thought this through. Ever since she had listened to those cassette tapes, Timoné was all she
could
think about. Wasn’t it possible that this was the way a call from the Lord came? In the form of a desire that became almost an obsession? Her classes at the university seemed more boring and useless than ever. The money she spent on her apartment, on her car, on her clothes, all seemed wasted and pointless. The only thing that held any excitement or meaning for her now was the idea of going to Colombia, working beside her father.

“Oh, Lord,” she whispered into the darkness of her room, “is this your voice I’m hearing? Are you in this, Father? Is this my chance to finally make up for what happened? Please don’t let me do anything foolish.”

The temperature was in the low forties, and the sky was overcast, but Natalie and Evan had agreed to meet at the small park near her apartment where they could talk without risking a roommate’s interruption or running into someone they knew on campus.

Evan sat stiffly on the backless bench beside Natalie, bouncing his knees up and down to keep warm. She turned the collar of her jacket up and burrowed into it. Clasping her mittened hands together, refusing to look him in the eye, she said the words as simply as she knew how, “Evan, I’m going to Colombia.”

“Okay …”

“I don’t mean just to visit. I— I’m not sure, but I think God might be—” She started again. She wanted him to hear confidence in her voice. “I think God is calling me, to be a missionary there.”

He shook his head. “You mean, like short-term missions? A couple of months or something?”

“I honestly don’t know. Maybe longer. Maybe much longer, Evan. I—I don’t think I’ll really know until I get there.”

He stared at her. “And where exactly does this leave me? Us?”

Tears sprang to her eyes. “I don’t know.” For a fleeting minute, she dared to hope. A sad smile curved her lips. “You … You wouldn’t want to go with me, would you?”

“If you can wait a year or two, Natalie. Let me get my degree. Let me pray about it. Not be in such an all-fired rush.” Anger tinged his voice. “Be reasonable. Look at what you’re throwing away.”

She assumed he meant her education. “You don’t understand. A degree will just be a piece of paper in Colombia. What difference would it make in
your
decision if you had your degree, Evan?” She forced a smile, but her heart was breaking.

They sat in silence for a while. Finally he turned to her.

“You seem to have this all figured out. When are you leaving?”

“No, Evan, I
don’t
have it all figured out. I’m confused about a lot of things.” She reached out and put a hand on his arm, testing.

He didn’t push her away, but neither did he touch her in return, as he would have before. “Have you prayed about this, Nattie? Do you
know for sure this is God’s calling and not just Natalie Camfield’s desires?”

She felt her defenses rising, but made herself answer calmly—and honestly. “I’ve prayed more these last few weeks than I have since … since Sara died. And … I don’t know how anyone ever knows for sure that it’s God’s voice they’re hearing until they step out in faith. I’m as sure as I
can
be. I just know that if I don’t go, I’ll always wonder if I made the biggest mistake of my life. I— I can’t afford any more mistakes in my life, Evan.”

He did push her hand away now, gently, but meaningfully. He rose from the park bench and began to pace in front of her. “But you don’t wonder if leaving me would be a bigger mistake?”

“Oh, Evan. Don’t make this so hard!”

“Don’t make this so hard?” he echoed, a sharp edge coming to his voice. “You think you’ve made this easy for me?”

“I didn’t mean it like that …”

“Natalie, I love you. I thought we loved each other.”

“Evan, I do love you. I do. But I … I just know … somehow I know that I have to do this. I believe this is God’s desire … I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you. I truly am. But—”

“No,” he stopped her, and though his words were measured, there was no longer anger in his voice. “I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re making a choice between me and God … or like I’m keeping you from doing what God has called you to do.” He continued to pace back and forth in front of the bench.

She sat in silence. She truly didn’t know what to say to him. Finally she rose from the bench and approached him. “Evan, I’m sorry.”

He turned toward her, and she opened her arms, longing for the comfort of his nearness.

But he held up a warning hand and shook his head vigorously. “You’re going to have to give me some time to … to get over this.”

“Okay,” she said softly, stinging from his rebuff, yet knowing it had been unfair to expect a different response.

She turned and walked away from him, head bowed against the cold and against the pain. She felt as though she’d been rent in two. Part of her
longed for Evan to run after her, to beg her to stop this foolishness. And yet now that she’d told him her plans, the pull toward Colombia and her father was stronger than ever.

She kept walking, and when she was beyond the reach of his voice, she broke into a jog and ran the rest of the way home. Inside the empty apartment, her resolve dimmed. She missed Evan already. He’d been so much a part of her life for the last two years, it was almost as though she were losing a part of herself. She knew he was feeling the same way. And that seemed all the more reason to go to Colombia—now—as soon as she could possibly make arrangements. Before she could change her mind.

“Natalie, you can’t be serious. This is crazy!” Cole Hunter put his hands on either side of the big oak table in the kitchen and all but shook it. Natalie had the distinct sense that he wished it were her shoulders he was shaking.

How many times had she heard these very words over the last week? She sighed and prepared to defend herself one more time. “Daddy, I know it seems sudden, but I
have
thought it through. I really have. And I feel like this is what God wants me to do.”

Daddy sighed and looked at Mom as though she might have the magic words to talk some sense into this daughter.

Natalie turned to her mother. “You understand, don’t you?” she said, appealing to the former missionary in her mother.

Mom patted Daddy’s leg as if to reassure him that, in spite of the words to come, she was on his side. “Honey, I guess I do understand your wanting to go, wanting to get to know your father better, even feeling that God has called you to this. But Daddy’s right. It does seem a little rash. Why wouldn’t you finish school first? Even your father had to finish medical school before he answered the call to go to Colombia. And do you realize how long it takes to raise support for something like this? Do you understand how dangerous it is there and how—”

“Mom, please …” Natalie breathed deeply, struggling to rein in her frustration. “I’ve been in school for over two years. Until a few weeks ago,
I still didn’t have the faintest idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now I finally know. Please … support me in this. Please don’t make me do this against your will. Please.”