After the Rains (32 page)

Her parents looked at each other, and when Daddy spoke she thought there was resignation in his voice. “Natalie, let me ask you one question. What exactly is it that you hope to accomplish if you go to Colombia?”

She thought for a minute. For her sake as well as theirs, she wanted to give as honest a reply as she could. But she couldn’t tell them that she wanted to make up for Sara’s death. They would give her the same line they always had about God’s forgiveness. But they’d never murdered their best friend. They didn’t know how it felt. She took a deep breath. “Daddy, I know the right answer … is that I want to share the gospel of Christ with the people of Timoné. And that’s true. But I also—” She paused, knowing that her next words could so easily hurt her father. She reached out and took his hand. “Daddy, you know I love you with all my heart. You are the best father I could ever ask for. It’s taken me too long to realize that. But … well, I want to be honest.”

She looked at the floor, then forced herself to look him in the eye. “One of the reasons I want to go to Timoné is to get to know my father—my other father. I don’t know how to make you understand how important this feels to me. Daddy …” Her throat filled, and she gulped back the tears, desperately needing to finish her thought. “I wouldn’t hurt your feelings for the world. And I’d feel terrible if you took this the wrong way …” Her words caught in her throat, and she swallowed a sob.

Daddy let go of her hand and drew her into his arms, then he reached for Mom and she came to them, completed the circle. They held each other and cried together.

After a few minutes he drew back, and his eyes seemed to bore through her. “Natalie, if you are absolutely sure this is God’s call on your life, then I give you my blessing. I understand your desire to get to know Nate—your … father. And I will help you in any way I can to explore the possibilities.”

“What does Evan think about all this?”

Tears filled Natalie’s eyes again. “He’s hurt. He thought we’d end up getting married. He even proposed.”

“And you don’t feel the same about him?” Her mother lifted her chin, and Natalie saw the hope in her eyes.

She shook her head. “I don’t know, Mom. I … maybe I do love him. But I can’t not go because of him. I … I dared to hope that Evan might want to come with me, and that’s not happening. Our— Our lives seem to be going in different directions …”

Her mother swiped at a tear. “Give him time,” she said. “Maybe he’ll still come around.”

Natalie nodded. “Maybe. I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I can’t ask Evan to wait for me when I don’t know if—”

“If you’ll ever come back?” Her mother finished the sentence for her. “Oh, Nattie. Now I know how my parents felt when I followed Nate to the ends of the earth. I know this isn’t right, but to be honest, I think I’d feel better if you were following a big strong man to Timoné.”

“Or at least dragging one kicking and screaming behind you,” Cole said wryly.

Natalie and her mother both tried to laugh, but what came from their throats was more like a sob, which made them laugh, and then cry even harder.

The phone rang, and Daddy gave Natalie another hug before he went to answer it. “I love you, punkin,” he whispered, using the childhood endearment she treasured.

The telephone summoned Cole back to the vet clinic for an emergency, but after he’d gone Natalie and her mother sat and talked for a long time.

“Mom?” Natalie ventured, “How did you know … for sure that it was God calling you to go to Timoné in the first place?”

Her mother thought for a minute. “You know, Natalie, in all the years since everything happened with your dad—with Nate—I’ve had to be honest with myself and admit that I’m not sure I really was called of God. I felt it was right for me to go—and I still believe that—because I loved
your father and
he
was called. It was kind of the ‘whither thou goest, I will go’ mentality. I think I let that be enough. But I know now that if I’d really been seeking God, if I’d waited for my own calling, I might not have made the mistakes I made. I might not have been so quick to leave when Nate … things might not have turned out the way they did.”

Natalie saw a faraway light in her eyes, and she was amazed that her mother seemed so serene, speaking of that most terrible time in her life.

“It’s hard for me to think about what might have been,” Mom went on now, “because if I hadn’t married Daddy, then I wouldn’t have Nicole and Noelle and the happy life we’ve all had together. My life would have been so very different. But I can’t change anything that happened now. Some mistakes can’t be fixed.” The expression that passed between them acknowledged that they both had suffered tragic events only God could redeem.

Mom patted her knee. “Honey, I’m glad that you are strong enough to hear God’s call over your love for a man. I guess I still kind of hope Evan will come around, and maybe God will call him, too. Or maybe you’ll only be away for a short time, and Evan will wait for you.”

“I can’t ask him to do that, Mom,” Natalie said quietly.

“No. I don’t suppose you can. But maybe he’ll wait anyway.”

It was a while before Natalie could speak again. The reality of letting Evan go was sinking in, and it hurt more than she’d ever thought it could.

Feeling the sudden need to get away, to mourn the end of that sweet love in private, she turned to her mother. “Thanks, Mom. For understanding. For giving your blessing.”

Her mother gave a sad smile. “I’m not saying I like it.”

“I know. I’ll be okay, though. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yes, I know.”

Haymaker Hall was unusually quiet on a January evening. The lobby of the dormitory was almost empty. Natalie stood by the windows that overlooked the parking lot, waiting for Evan to come down from his room.

She felt as nervous as she had on their first date. She just wanted this
evening to be over. She’d only seen him once since that day in the park when she’d told him that she was leaving school and going to Colombia. She’d spent two weeks at home working on arrangements for her departure. Everything had happened so quickly since then. It all seemed surreal.

The door to the stairwell swung open, and she watched Evan step into the lobby and search the room. When his eyes landed on her, there was no mistaking the sadness in them. But she saw something else there too. Resignation?

She started toward him and forced a smile. “Hi.”

“Hi, Nattie.” He put a hand on the small of her back and led her toward the door. “You want to get something to eat?”

She shook her head. “I’m not hungry, but if you want something, that’s fine.”

“I’m all right. You want to just go to the library then?”

“Sure.”

“Let’s walk, okay?”

She nodded and they started across campus. This politeness between them now was unbearable. She ached for the teasing, brother-sister-punch-in-the-arm way they’d always had with each other.

“So I don’t suppose you’ve changed your mind?” he started, but she detected no hint of hope in his tone. He knew her too well.

She shook her head.

“And your parents are okay with this?”

“I wouldn’t say they’re thrilled, but I have their blessing.”

“So how soon do you leave?”

She couldn’t stop the smile that spread across her face. “Oh, Evan, everything is just falling into place. It makes me feel all the more like God has his hand in this. Grandma and Grandpa Camfield want to pay most of my expenses, and Mom and Daddy are going to pay my airfare. Since I’m not going under the auspices of Gospel Vision, but as Dad’s guest, it actually simplified things. I sent for my passport, and Daddy’s working on finding a good rate with the airline. Aunt Betsy is going to fly out with me, and then—”

“Whoa. You’re going way too fast for me.” Evan stopped in the middle
of the sidewalk and looked at her. A grin played at the corners of his mouth, and it was the old Evan she saw behind the smile.

“I’m sorry. I’m just so excited. I can hardly wait to get there.”

They had come to the entrance to the library. Evan held the door for her. They went to their favorite spot in the all-night study hall and settled into the overstuffed chairs—the same chairs they’d claimed on their first date together here. It seemed an eternity ago. That had been the night Evan had first declared that he thought they had a future together. Natalie wondered if he was remembering too.

“So,” he said, breaking into her thoughts, “you’re really going then?”

“I’m really going.”

“I’m not going to sit around and pine for you, you know.”

“I wouldn’t want you to.”

“Well, I might pine for a little while.” He grinned.

“Oh, Evan …” The tears took her by surprise. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

“Stop it,” he said. “You’re going to make me start crying.”

She laughed through her tears.

A noisy trio of coeds came into the study hall and plopped down at a table a few feet from them. Evan stood abruptly. “Let’s walk some more. It’s really not that cold out.”

Natalie nodded and followed him out the door.

The night campus was quiet and friendlier than it had ever seemed. She took his arm and looked up at him. “Why is it we never appreciate things until we’re leaving them behind?”

“Hey, you tell me. I’m not the one who’s going to the end of the earth.”

“I know. Oh, Evan, I don’t want to say goodbye. I just want to go and take the memories of everything we’ve had together with me.”

“It doesn’t work that way, Nattie. You have to say goodbye. You can’t move on otherwise.”

She took a deep breath and felt her throat constrict again. “I know you’re right. But I’ve always hated goodbyes.”

“Well, they don’t have to be forever …”

“No, they don’t. But I don’t want to leave you with any false hopes. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I just have a feeling that I—”

“That you’re not coming back.”

“Maybe.”

They walked in silence for a few minutes, then Evan stopped in the middle of the path and turned to her. “What happened to us, Natalie?”

She looked up, forced herself to meet his gaze. “What do you mean?”

“Were we in love? Because I’m confused. Did I take what we had for granted?”

“No, Evan. You didn’t. And yes, I think we were in love. Maybe we still are … I don’t know. But I think—” She paused. What
did
she think? She was quiet for a long minute before she spoke again. “Maybe God brought us together because he knew we each needed someone who understood what we were going through—with the accident. I’m not sure I could have made it this far without you. And I’ll never forget that … as long as I live. But maybe it’s time to be strong now—on my own.”

“There’s nothing wrong with people needing each other, Natalie.” There was hurt in his voice.

“Oh, this isn’t coming out right at all. That’s not what I meant.”

“What you’re trying to say is that I’m the best thing that ever happened to you, but you’re willing to throw it all away to run off and live in some jungle with the snakes and spiders.”

She gratefully recognized his effort to recapture their bantering way, and she thanked him by slugging him playfully in the arm.

He rubbed his biceps. “Ouch.”

They had circled back to the parking lot at Haymaker where Natalie had parked her car. He walked her to the driver’s side and opened the door for her.

“Let’s just get it over with, okay,” he said as he pulled her into his arms. He held her as though he would never let go. “Natalie, I love you,” he whispered. “And—not that I have a choice, but—I love you enough to let you go. With my blessing. I— I hope that doesn’t sound presumptuous …”

She buried her face in his coat and held him tight. She felt the kiss he
planted in her hair, and the tears came again. “Thank you, Evan,” she choked. “I treasure your blessing. I really do.”

He pushed her gently away from him and looked her in the eye. “You be careful, you hear?”

She could only nod.

“You’ll write?” he asked.

“I promise.”

“Okay.” He wrapped her in a bear hug again, then abruptly let go. “Now get out of here,” he said, his voice ragged.

L
LUVIA:
R
AIN