After the Rains (7 page)

“Why can’t Noelle fill in for Beth sometimes?” she asked, testing.

Daddy shook his head. “No. She’s not quite old enough. You and Nikki didn’t have jobs until you were sixteen. Besides, Natalie, I’ve already invested the time and money to train you for the position.”

She sat unmoving while Nicole gloated from across the table. No use arguing now. It was obvious he’d made up his mind.

“I’ll tell you what,” Daddy said. “I’ll try to get Beth to give me a little more notice before she takes a day off. There’s not much more I can do than that.”

“Fine,” Natalie huffed, refusing to look at him.

Graduation could not come fast enough. She could not get out of this house soon enough. Freedom was going to be so incredibly sweet.

Six

A
utumn deepened, and along with it the restlessness in Natalie’s soul.

“I wish I had your faith,” she told Sara one night as the two of them sat cross-legged on the floor of the Devers’ family room finishing off a cold pizza by the flickering light of the television. They had the house to themselves, and the tearjerker movie they’d just watched had left Natalie feeling pensive and unguarded.

Sara wiped pizza sauce from the corner of her mouth with the back of her hand. “What are you talking about? You have the same faith I do.”

Natalie shook her head. “No. I don’t. I mean, I believe in the same God. I go to the same church you do every Sunday. I’ve done all the things I’m supposed to do. I asked Jesus into my heart. I even pray and read my Bible”—she shrugged—“well, maybe not as much as I should. But … I don’t know … it’s
not
the same for me.”

“I still don’t know what you mean.”

“You just seem so sure about everything. I—I’ve tried to pray for God to show me what he wants me to do with my life—like you told me—but I don’t ever seem to hear anything back. And I constantly want to do things I’m not supposed to.”

“Like what?”

“Oh, I don’t know … like go to the parties or smoke a cigarette—or even just haul off and use a swear word once in a while.”

Sara stopped chewing and wrinkled up her nose. “You’re tempted to do that stuff?”

“I guess … sometimes.” Seeing the shocked look on Sara’s face, she wasn’t sure she wanted to continue what she’d started. “Those things don’t even tempt you, do they?”

Sara shook her head. “But Nattie, that doesn’t mean I don’t ever sin. I guess it’s just that I’m tempted by different things.”

“Yeah, like what?”

Sara rubbed her jaw, and Natalie knew she was struggling to come up with something that Natalie would deem terrible enough to qualify. “I’m tempted to gossip sometimes. Or, like when Lacey wears one of her bimbo outfits, I’m tempted to be really judgmental and even make nasty comments.”

Natalie flung a pizza crust at her. “You are a sick woman, you know that?”

Sara threw it back. “Quit. What’s so sick about that?”

“If that is the only thing you can point to as an example of your sinful ways and your weak faith, then let’s just nominate you for sainthood right now.” She leaned across to the end table and picked up the cordless phone. “Where’s the phone book? I need to call the Vatican.”

Sara giggled, and the seriousness of the moment was lost. Natalie was relieved. She didn’t like where that was heading. The truth was, she
was
tempted by those things. She’d never acted on her desires, but sometimes she just wanted to see what it would be like. Not for the rest of her life or anything, but just for a while—maybe even just once. Maybe that would get it out of her system.

As she drove home that night, a full moon illumined the country road. On a whim, she flipped off the headlights and drove by moonlight. Leaning over the steering wheel, she stared up through the windshield at the night sky. The myriad stars seemed to shout how insignificant she was in the universe.

She felt so utterly alone.
Something
eluded her, and she didn’t know what it was. She knew the answer had something to do with God, but she didn’t know how to reach him. It was as though she had this beautiful jewelry box, and she knew that whatever was inside would solve all her problems and finally make her happy. But she couldn’t find the key. Couldn’t even find the lock the key was supposed to fit.

“I’ll be right back, Sara. Wait here.”

Natalie left the car idling and ran into the house. “Mom? Daddy? Anybody home?”

“In here,” her mother called from the laundry room. Daria emerged, peering over a pile of neatly folded towels. “Hi, honey. What are you up to?”

“Sara and I are going out. I just came home to change clothes.”

Her mother hesitated. “Did you ask Dad?”

“I’m telling you.”

“Well, I think you’d better check with your dad. You’ve been gone almost every night this week, and he wasn’t too crazy about your coming home so late last night. I think he might have some—”

Natalie let out a sigh of frustration. “Good grief, I am a senior in high school. Am I going to have to be asking you guys’ permission for every little thing I do the rest of my life?”

“No,” her mother said evenly. “Just the rest of this year.”

At that moment her father came in through the back porch. “Hey, Nattie,” he said, smiling. “You’re home early.”

“I’m just here for a minute,” she said smoothly, purposely sidestepping her mother’s admonition. “Sara and I are going to eat at Sonic, and then we’re going to a show in Wichita. I’ll probably spend the night at her house, so don’t wait up for me.”

He looked to Daria, then, without waiting for a response, cleared his throat. “No,” he said slowly. “I don’t think so, Nattie.”

“What do you mean?” Natalie avoided her mother’s gaze.

“You’ve been out late every night this week, and you’ve been way past your curfew more than once. I think you need to stay home for once.”

She stared at him in silence, frustration and anger simmering inside her. He looked at her carefully, and his face softened. “I guess I don’t care if you and Sara eat in town, but I want you to come home early.”

“You’re kidding, right?” She knew he was completely serious, and she saw from the hard set of his jaw that she’d used the wrong tone.

“No,” he told her firmly, obviously reining in his anger. “I’m not kidding. You don’t need to be putting any more miles on your car, and I’m sure you have homework.”

“No, I don’t. I finished it all in the library. Besides, it’s my car, and I’m the one paying for the gas, so what do you care?”

“Natalie.”

His stern tone should have been caution enough, but she plowed on, knowing even as she did so that this approach always backfired with him. “Well? What does it matter to you how late I’m out? I don’t see what the big deal is. We’re just going to a movie. Is that a crime?”

“That’s not the point, Natalie,” he said steadily.

“What
is
the point?”

His face became flushed. “The point is that you suddenly seem to think you don’t answer to anyone but Natalie Camfield. You were gone every night last week; now you’ve been gone every night this week—and it was past eleven at least two of those nights.” He didn’t wait for her to answer. “Did you clean your bathroom like Mom asked? You know the rules of this house, Natalie. You suddenly seem to think they don’t apply to you.”

“I’m almost nineteen years old,” she said through clenched teeth. “I think I can handle my own schedule, thank you very much.”

“Well, apparently you
can’t
handle it, thank you very much.” His sarcastic tone matched hers, and his color deepened the way it did when he was about to lose his temper. He opened his mouth to say something, then apparently thought better of it. Instead he said simply. “I’d like you to be home early tonight.”

He turned to go back through the porch door, and Natalie pulled out a weapon she’d been toying with for weeks, but had not yet had the courage to use. Now she fired it willfully. “I don’t have to do what you say,” she sneered at him. “You are not my father!”

Her mother stepped between them, her eyes flashing, utter disbelief in her voice. “Natalie Joan! Don’t you
ever
speak that way to your dad.”

Her father let loose of the doorknob and turned back to face her. His eyes narrowed, his nostrils flared, and his mouth hung open, but before he could say one word Natalie lashed out again, this time at her mother, “Well, he’s
not
my father.”

Natalie was a bit frightened by her own words, but she’d unleashed them, and she wasn’t about to recant now. She was sure they could see her heart thumping against her sweater. She had never dared to speak to Daddy
that way before, but it actually felt kind of good. The adrenaline surged through her veins, and she risked looking him in the eye. She expected to see his usual paternal arrogance that would justify her outburst and fuel her resolve, but what she saw there instead took her by surprise.

His face was etched with deep disappointment—and his eyes were filled with unmistakable sadness. Her breath caught in her throat, and an unfamiliar pang stung her heart. For a fleeting moment, she wanted desperately to run to him, to crawl up on her daddy’s lap and feel his big strong arms around her, to feel safe and cherished. But she wasn’t a little girl anymore. She saw things differently now. Saw the people in her life differently. Everything had changed.
She
had changed, and something inside her wouldn’t allow her to take back her cruel words.

She pushed the door open and ran out through the garage. Sara was waiting for her with a questioning look on her face. Natalie slid behind the steering wheel and slammed the car door.

“What took you so long?” Sara wanted to know. She looked pointedly at Natalie’s sweater. “Hey, I thought you were going to change clothes.”

Natalie revved the engine and peeled out of the drive, scattering gravel in her wake.

“Whoa, girl. There’s steam coming out of your ears. What’s going on?”

“Oh, my stupid father is on one of his power trips,” she growled. Mimicking her father’s tone, she told Sara, “I have been forbidden from going out tonight.”

Sara was silent for a moment, but Natalie could feel her friend’s eyes burning into her like a laser. “So … if you can’t go out, where are we going now?”

“Wherever we feel like,” she declared, narrowing her eyes, and deciding even as the words left her lips that for once she wasn’t going to cave in to her parents’ asinine rules.

“Nat … I don’t want to get you in trouble. Maybe you’d better just take me home,” Sara said. “I don’t mind, really. I have homework anyway. And Mom fixed lasagna. I can just eat with them.”

She didn’t bother telling Sara that her dad had at least given his blessing on them going out to eat together. Instead she said, “No. I am sick and
tired of him treating me like a baby. I am eighteen years old, and there is no reason in the world why I should have to report every move I make to him. I don’t know why he cares anyway. It’s no skin off his nose. He just doesn’t like it because Grandma and Grandpa
Camfield
bought me a car. Now he can’t keep track of me every second of the day.” She pushed her foot down hard on the accelerator, not caring that Sara had to grab for the dashboard.

“This time next year I’ll be on my own at college,” she ranted. “Do they think they’re going to know where I am every second then?” She rolled her eyes and puffed out her cheeks in disgust. “Knowing them, they’ll probably call me in the dorm every night to check up on me.”

Sara laughed, but then she sobered. “Nat, you know parents, they only act like that because they love us.”

“No, they act like that because they don’t trust me. At least
he
doesn’t. He wouldn’t be like this if it were his precious Nicole or Noelle.”

“Natalie. Stop. You know that’s not true. You’re not being fair.”

“You just don’t know, Sara.”

“What do you mean?”

“All my life I’ve had to compete with his
real
daughters. Nicole and Noelle have always gotten just about anything they want. He won’t let
me
do anything.”

Even as the accusations left her lips, Natalie knew they weren’t true. The truth was, neither of her sisters pushed their father the way she did. The rational part of her brain knew that was the reason he treated them differently. She brought most of her punishment on herself. So why was she trying to convince Sara otherwise? Yet she felt powerless to take back the half-truths that poured so easily from her mouth.

Sara got quiet. After a minute—and against her better judgment—Natalie egged her friend on. “Okay, what are you thinking? You might as well say it. I know you’re dying to give me one of your lectures.”

Sara smiled tentatively. “I just think you’re being a little paranoid, Nattie. You are so blessed to have parents who love you like crazy. And … well, it just seems like kind of a slap in God’s face that you don’t appreciate that.”

Natalie shook her head forcefully. “Things aren’t that simple.”

“They could be … if you’d just trust God with all these feelings you’re having.” Sara dipped her head, as though she knew Natalie was ready to fire off a defense.