Authors: Masha Leyfer
“I don’t know.”
We sit in silence, contemplating on various topics until the sky darkens and the first star comes up.
“I don’t think I can think of a song to compete with all that,” Nathan says finally. I laugh. He thinks for a moment. “You ever heard of Linkin Park?”
“No.”
“All right. They were a band back in…” he frowns. “My memory is failing me. I think they were in the nineteen-nineties. They had a song, I’m not sure what it’s actually called. I think
I’m losing what I don’t deserve
. It’s the best one I can think of that goes with what you just said. Anyway it goes like this.” He places the guitar over one knee. “Let’s see if I still remember.” His fingers hover uncertainly over the strings for a moment, and then he places them in a chord and begins to play. Through the sound of the melody, I pick up several strands of lyrics.
Innocence burning in the sky…
I’m swimming in the smoke of bridges I have burned. So don’t apologize, I’m losing what I don’t deserve…
We were meant to be apart, in separate chambers of the human heart…
The blame is mine alone…
He finished, and again, I feel the slight confusion that comes after a song ends, as if I’ve been transported back to my old world without knowing I ever left.
“What do you think?” Nathan asks. “Want to learn it?”
“Yeah, let’s do it.”
“Okay. Remember A minor?”
“Uh...no.”
“It’s this one.” He places three fingers on the first two frets and hands me the guitar. I place my fingers the way he showed me and strum to make sure it sounds right.
“Exactly. The first phrase:
I use the dead wood to make the fire rise,
is on this until
rise
, which is on C major. That’s like this.” He moves my fourth finger down to the third fret on a different string. I strum again. Slowly but surely, Nathan teaches me the song. It does match what I said. It’s apologetic but not entirely hopeless. I like it.
“What do you think it’s about?” I ask on our way back.
“The song? Hm. I’m not sure. I need to think about it. Do you have any ideas?”
“Very undeveloped ideas. It’s about regret, I’m pretty sure. I think maybe it’s about his life. He was handed opportunity after opportunity that he didn’t take, and now, it’s too late.”
Nathan nods. “Hm. Yeah.” He pauses for a moment and I can tell that he’s thinking. “I think it’s an apology, too. That he ended up on the wrong side of the fight and it hurt people, including him. And there’s nothing he can do about it.”
I mull that over.
“What if we’re on the wrong side?” I ask.
“We’re not,” Nathan replies certainly.
“But how can you know that? Do you think the Blasters thought they were doing the wrong thing?”
“The Blasters killed hundreds of thousands of people. How can that possibly be the right side?”
“What if there’s more to the story than we can see?”
“Such as?”
“Such as a motive. A justifiable reason.”
“For mass murder and setting the planet back hundreds of years?”
“Who knows? What if there is?”
“I don’t think so.”
“But doesn’t it bother you?”
“Do you think the Blasters are right? Or the CGB?”
“No.”
“Exactly.”
“But it concerns me that we might not know the whole story. I mean, what are we even trying to achieve? Full freedom from the CGB, right? But what happens then?”
“Then people are free from the taxes that they can’t pay. The CGB stops exiling and executing people. The people don’t live in constant fear, and-”
“Yes, but what then? That doesn’t stop the...I’m not sure how to say this best...the
cycle.
There will still be good people and bad people. If not the CGB, someone will take advantage of people weaker than them. We can’t stop that. What if the CGB is better?”
“What can be worse than this?”
“I don’t know. But that’s exactly the point. We don’t know. There could be something.”
Nathan considers that.
“Think of it this way: if we win against the CGB, there will be uncertainty. Yes, you’re right. We don’t know. Something terrible
could
happen.”
“But that’s bad.”
“No, no. Hear me out. Right now, we live in certainty. We
know
that it will be bad. I think this is worse. You get it? We live in a world with no hope. We
know
that this is the end. Everywhere, people are certain that they’re going to die. That’s not right. I don’t mean old people, I mean people like you and me. People younger than us, even. Children. You even said so yourself.” I nod quietly.
“It’s a world of certainty,” Nathan continues. “The Rebellion are the people who are uncertain. We need to give hope to the rest of the world. Because what’s happening now is ridiculous. You get me?”
I nod slowly. “Maybe you’re right, although hope is cruel. It’s just...I’m afraid of the unknown.”
“I am too,” Nathan admits. “I’m terrified, to be honest. It’s scary to not see where you’re going, but it’s even worse when you can see the edge and you know you can’t stop yourself from going over. What I’m trying to say is, as much as I’m afraid of the unknown, I’m even more afraid of the known.”
I shrug. “Maybe you’re right. I guess we’ll hope for the best and prepare for the worst. To uncertainty, then.”
“To uncertainty.”
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __
Nathan and I train in the Field of the Fallen, the same way we do every evening. It flits through my mind that back in Hopetown, I hated the repetitiveness. And yet, even though every day is the same here, just as it was before, it doesn’t bother me anymore. I shoot three bolts in rapid succession. One hits in the head, right in between where the eyes would be, one hits at the heart, the other in the stomach.
“I think your aim is better than mine now,” Nathan says. I laugh.
“That’s not true,” I say. “I bet you could hit every point I just hit with your eyes closed.”
“I don’t think so.”
“You sure? What if you tried?”
“Are you challenging me?”
“Yes.”
“Done.” He props his crossbow against his shoulder, measures the distance, closes his eyes, and fires. With his eyes still closed, he recocks it, and pulls out another bolt, carefully puts it in, and fires. I find myself mesmerized by the way his fingers move, the way his veins protrude from his hands, and the way his forehead creases when he is focusing.
I’ve never noticed that before
, I think, as he shoots the third bolt.
“Well, did I hit?”
“Um...yeah.” I say, looking at the target for the first time. “You hit really well, actually.” Nathan opens his eyes. All of the bolts are within a hand’s breadth of mine.
“Huh, what do you know? I guess I you were right.”
“I’m always right,” I smirk.
“Oh yeah?” Nathan teases me.
“Yeah. Absolutely,” I raise my eyebrow cockily.
“Really?”
“Want to challenge me?”
“Sure. I’ll prove you wrong eventually.”
“Deal. Anyway, we better get going. It’s getting pretty late.”
“Right. You need to get enough sleep today. Tomorrow’s the raid.”
“Yeah.”
“Good luck, by the way, in case I haven’t told you before.”
“Thanks. And you have. This is the seventeenth time. I’ve been counting.”
“Oh. Well...Extra luck, then.” We leave the field. “When do people usually start going on raids?” I ask. “What stage in their training, I mean?”
“Usually, your first raid will be about three to four months in. It’ll be a simple one, without any expected fighting. It more or less happens when Mike thinks you’re ready. He’s never been wrong. The sign for that is he calls you by name. I don’t know if you noticed, but he probably hasn’t called you ‘Molly’ yet.” I freeze.
“Say that again?”
“Huh?”
“Did you say that when he calls me by name, it’s a sign that I’m ready to go on a raid?”
“Yes.”
“He called me ‘Molly’ yesterday.” I say quietly.
“
Seriously
? Are you sure?”
“Yes. He said,
the most important part of these fights isn’t winning, Molly. Your training with me is over for today
. And then he left.”
“Wow! And it’s only been a month! That’s, if I’m not mistaken, record time. By a lot.”
“No, it can’t be. He probably said it by accident.”
“Mike never makes mistakes. Definitely not those types of mistakes. It’s probably more of an effort for him to say somebody’s name once than never to call them by name at all. He meant it.”
“No.”
“Yes. Congratulations, Molly! You’re gonna be going on a raid soon!”
“Nathan, this is ridiculous. I’m not ready for a raid.”
“Why not?”
“
Why not
? Um, because it’s been a
month
.”
“So? You’re accurate with your crossbow. You have a level head. You know what you’re doing. And besides, it will be a simple raid. You’ll do great.”
“I definitely do not know what I’m doing,” I protest. “And being good with a crossbo
w
–
which I’m no
t
–
is not enough. So I can shoot. That’s it. Great. Let’s go out and change the world!” I wave my hands around sarcastically. Nathan smiles gently.
“That’s not it, Molly. You’re much more than just an accurate shot.
“An
average
shot, and besides, I am not ready for that much pressure. What if I crack? And then I screw something up? I’ll lose my head. I have no idea what to do in that situation.”
“Molly-”
“I’m afraid, Nathan,” I admit. “This is more than anything I’ve ever done, and-”
“Molly. Molly, listen to me,” Nathan interrupts, grabbing my hands. “Deep breaths. The raid isn’t now. But when it comes, you’ll be ready. And you’ll do great. I promise. I believe in you.”
“But I...
I
don’t believe in me.”
“I’ll believe for both of us, then.”
I smile warmly and let go of Nathan’s hand.
“Thank you for that,” I say quietly and look at my feet.
“It’s nothing special.”
“Hmm.” Does he really not realize how much his confidence in me means? “Do you really believe in me?” I ask, carefully connecting my gaze back with Nathan’s.
“Of course.”
“Why?”
“Do you need reasons?”
“Well. I suppose not. But thank you. Really.”
“You say ‘thank you’ and ‘sorry’ too much.”
“I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to regret.”
“I guess that means that someday, you’ll look back, and you’ll have a lot to smile about. But for now, enjoy what you have.”
“If I were to say thank you right now-”
“For what?”
“Do you really need reasons?” I smile.
“Yes, a little.”
“You know what, Nathan?”
“What?”
“Shut up and accept my thanks.”
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __
The next morning Nathan, Mike, and Matt leave for the raid. All the members of the Rebellion come down to wish them farewell. I nod to Matt, shake Mike’s hand and say “Good luck”, then wait at the side until nobody is talking to Nathan.
“Nathan.”
“Molly.”
“Be safe. Don’t screw up. Come back. Win. Got it?”
“Got it.”
“Good. You promise?”
“I promise.”
“Okay. Good.” A flash of concern crosses my eyes. “I mean it. Don’t get hurt, okay?”
“Okay.”
I nod and smile, but I can’t shake the feeling of concern pervading my whole body. I step back into the crowd of people that has already said their farewells. I look nervously at the three snowmobiles. Nathan is pulling on his gloves. Matt is adjusting his helmet. Mike is talking to Smaller Sally, the last one saying goodbye. She hugs Mike and quickly kisses him.