Authors: Masha Leyfer
So if nothing else, I have to do this so that I can die right. And so that everyone rotting on the streets and dreaming of yesterday can live right.
I watch a pair of squirrels flitting the branches, chasing each other up and down the trunk, then effortlessly jumping across wide gaps onto another tree. I wonder if they know what would happen to them if they fell. Maybe they don’t have the fear of death that all humans do. Maybe that’s why they can jump so much farther than their body length and why they can climb vertical surfaces. Maybe it’s only our fear that prevents us from achieving the impossible. Perhaps the only reason that humans can’t fly is because fear is a dead weight that drags us down. I wonder if people begin to fly the moment they stop fearing death. But that creates a paradox on its own. Flight would give humans another reason to live, and, consequently, another reason to run from death.
But we are impossible people, paradoxes of nature. Really, according to the rules, we shouldn’t have ever existed. But here we are, at the same time pulling ourselves down and setting ourselves free.
CHAPTER 12
My training with Mike the next days isn’t the usual hand-to-hand combat. We spend two days learning how to ride the the snowmobile. One day to get rid of my nausea, and one to actually learn. The night before the raid, he runs me through the logistics of the entire operation.
“It’s fairly simple,” he says. “It’s also pretty similar to what we did last week with the power lines. We’ll meddle with their electrics again. You know the general CGB layout. They have one master base somewhere that we’re still not sure about. Then, in every town, they have a committee. It’s called the senate nowadays, yes?” I nod. “Anyway, at each senate building, they have a computer. At the master base, they have one big super-computer, which connects to all the senate computer. That’s how they communicate. How old were you during the eruption? Four? Five?”
“Four.”
“You probably remember computers, then, right?”
“Yeah, but not really how they worked.”
“All right. You don’t really to understand them in depth. Computers concern us the most as instruments of communication and information. Let’s starts with communication. There are several different platforms for communication. The two that they use are fax and electronic mail. It’s basically like sending a letter but through the computers or fax machines. Both of them depend on electricity and reception, which is what transmits the signal, so if we want to hinder their plans, we cut those off. The power lines we sabotaged this week cut off the reception in the northwest area. It takes a while to repair it, so once we find the power lines, we can cut off their communication for up to a month. After they repair it, they generally add more defenses around it. Most often, they rebuild them out of a sturdier material, or they bury them deeper underground. Sometimes, they change the location, but that’s more difficult and more expensive. If they do keep them in the same place, we just come back in a month and cut them again. If they decide to move, we have to search for their electric output again. It takes some time to find the power lines, which is part of what we were doing in Hopetown; we knew that a branch of the Southeast powerline ended there, so we traced its path. We’ve been doing this for approximately two years, and at one point or another, we’ve cut off communication in every area, but since they keep fixing them, we have to work continuously. We recently lost track of the line we usually sabotaged the Southwest quadrant.”
“Wait, how do you know?”
“We get notified every every time one of our monitored areas looses electric energy.”
“Notified? How?”
“We have a computer of our own.”
“
Really?
And you can test that type of stuff?”
“Mhhm.”
“Wow!” I exclaim despite myself. Never having seen a computer since the Blast, I am greatly impressed at the Rebellion’s resources. I’m not sure what exactly a computer can do, but if it can find powerlines and monitor electricity, it must be very powerful.
“And you know how to use a computer to do those kinds of things?” I ask.
“Me? No. My computer skills are very basic and most likely outdated. Big Sal is our computer expert.”
“Big Sal? Really?”
“Yes. You didn’t think she just cooked, did you? She’s very good at it, actually. She’s a talented hacker. Most of our information comes from her efforts.”
“Oh. I didn’t know that.”
“Now you do. Anyway, that’s basically it for communication. The second point is information. That’s what we’ll be addressing. The CGB’s supercomputer stores all of their information. All of their information does have backups that won’t be affected by a power outage, but if, by chance, we manage to take out their power before they back something up, they’ll lose it. Also, until they repair it, they don’t have access to that information. This interferes with everything, because they don’t have access to their plans and they are forced to either put things off or start from the beginning, neither of which are advantageous to them, but both of which are advantageous to us. Anyway, the power of the computers comes from a different set of power lines. They all connect to a powercell. That’s what we’ll be sabotaging. I have a diagram of it right here.”
He pulls out a hand drawn blueprint of what looks like four boxes and a tangled labyrinth of wires. The wires are color coded red and green. Two of the boxes are yellow, two are blue.
“See all these wires?” Mike says, gesturing to the drawing. “We need to cut the red ones. We’ll also set up a small camera. We have cameras set up in a lot of places, in the hopes that one day, we’ll get a clue leading us to the master-base. That’s the main gist of it. The powercell is approximately a five hour’s ride away from here, so we’ll be gone for almost the entire day. It’s a very simple in-out operation. It might seem like all of that driving isn’t worth the three minutes of action, but remember that this is extremely important. The power cell isn’t guarded or anything like that, so there isn’t even any expected interference. The only problem that we could run into that has enough probability to even be considered is bandits. But they tend to leave us alone, primarily because they’re intimidated by the snowmobiles. Even if somebody does attack us, we both have weapons that we can use and we have speed on our side. It’s simple and easy. Any questions?”
“Yeah. Don’t you ever get tired of raids?”
“Not really, no.”
“‘Cause I was thinking, you’ve already gone on two raids in the last month and a half. Maybe you should rest, get back your energy, and we could put this one off?.. For a week? A moth? Forever?”
“Nice try, but no.”
“It was worth a try, though, wasn’t it?”
“It was.”
“And I do have a real question, actually.”
“Go ahead.”
“I don’t think I’m ready for this, but apparently you do. Why?”
“You’re worried you’ll fail,” Mike says.
“Yes.”
“You don’t believe in yourself enough,” he sighs, threading his fingers through his belt loops. “You have to take this chance, at least to see that you
can
do it.”
“I know, I understand that I have to, but I just…I
can’t.
”
“Listen, it’s a simple raid. It won’t go wrong. I promise. You won’t do anything wrong. You’re ready for this. You
can
do it.”
“The fact that it’s simple isn’t going to make it okay”
Mike squeezes my shoulder in an uncharacteristic gesture of support.
“No, Molly. The fact that you’re
you
is going to make it okay” He smiles. I note in surprise that he called me by name again. That, more than anything, makes me understand how strongly Mike believes in his decision. In me.
“Thanks, Mike,” I say, looking down at my feet. “That really does mean a lot.”
“Of course. Make sure to get enough sleep, all right?”
“Um, yeah, okay.”
“Good. We won’t train anymore today. I suggest you take a walk to try to feel better about this. Don’t deny your fears. Think about how you’re going to face them.”
“Okay. Um...thanks.”
“Okay, then. I’ll be back at camp.”
I watch Mike leave then head off in the opposite direction. His sudden change in demeanor didn’t go past me. I’m not sure why exactly he suddenly became encouraging and reassuring and even went to the effort of calling me by name, but I do appreciate it.
I wonder if Mike sees any of himself in me. Maybe he was scared on his first raid too, and he’s just being the person he had needed back then. Or maybe I’m just giving myself too much credit, and Mike was never scared of anything. Maybe he really is the metallic warrior I made of him in the beginning and adding layers of humanity is just a habit of mine. Maybe he was being the person that
I
needed and we are as different as the moon and the sun,
Either way, I decide to take Mike’s advice and take a walk to try to face my fears. I approach the problem methodically, because I’m afraid that if I give in to emotions, my first instinct will be to run away.
What is my problem? I am afraid of the raid, because I think that I can’t do it. Quite frankly, I won’t think that I’m capable until I do it. So maybe I shouldn’t think of this as something that I can or can’t do, just as something that I will be doing, whether I believe in myself or not. So I don’t have to believe at all. All I have to do is do it.
That makes me feel a lot better. The guilt about not believing in myself was as much of a problem as the actual belief itself. Everyone else is so persistent in believing in my success, that it seemed to me that I was putting the least amount of effort into my own raid. But this excuses me. I don’t have to believe. I just need to
do
it.
I stop walking and breathe deeply.
I have always wanted to change the world. But I didn’t realize how terrifying it is to chase your dreams. I know that this raid won’t end the CGB, and maybe, it won’t even help anybody, but it’s a start.
God, it’s so terrifying. I really do want to change the world. I’m just so afraid that I’ll change it wrong.
But if I don’t act, I definitely won’t change it right.
Every atom in my body streams towards that one goal, but it seems more like falling than hoping.
Tomorrow, I’ll just have to see where the fall ends.
CHAPTER 13
The night passes too quickly and too slowly. To my surprise, I am able to fall asleep. I wake up with a fluttering heart and before I know it, I’m getting back on the hated snowmobile and the entire Rebellion is out to say goodbye. Everyone shakes my hand and wishes me good luck.
Mike turns on his engine.
“You ready?”
“Um…”
“Good. We leave in thirty seconds.” I adjust my helmet, look back into the crowd where Nathan catches my gaze and nods reassuringly, then start the snowmobile, shifting uncomfortably as it vibrates unevenly below me. I pull down the shaded glasses attached to the helmet. In front of me, Mike does the same.
“All right then. Let’s move.” I close my hand on the throttle. The snowmobile jerks, and we shoot off, leaving a trail of dust behind us.
As we ride, I can’t help but feel the intoxicating thrill of high speeds through all my nervousness. The wind whips stray strand of my hair around. My heart begins to pound, both from the fear and the adrenaline.
We follow the path that lead me here for the first time, past the pine forests, the steep drop, and the breathtaking view. We go down the hill this time. I clutch the handle bar tightly and clumsily match all of Mike’s turns. I recognize the countryside that we passed through on our way here, remembering how Smaller Sally rode with no cares and how relieved I was to get back on solid, albeit unfamiliar, ground.
Mike turns in the direction opposite of Hopetown. I follow. The forest here is shadowy and old. The trees rise up and block the sun and I get the sense that we are entering a deeper, older part of this world, one where the mysteries litter the ground and don’t have concern for the short and fleeting lives of humans.