Authors: Monica Alexander
He had no idea what he was in for. This was nothing compared to what was coming.
“It’s freezing out there,” I said. It seemed the temperature had dropped at least fifteen degrees since the night before.
He smiled. “You’re cheeks are pink.”
I stole a peek in the mirror over the fireplace. Sure enough, I was looking more flushed than normal. I wasn’t sure if it was the cold, the company or both. It felt like something had shifted the night before when he’d been in my arms, teling me about his parents, and for the first time I wondered why it had been me he’d sought out and not his girlfriend.
Jordan pounced on me as soon as I got my coat off, so we folowed him into the living room where he doled out controlers. Within a few minutes we were immersed in a game of
Call of Duty
, more focused on blowing the heads off our enemies and keeping each other alive than any of the familial drama that had unfolded the night before. By lunchtime, my fingers were getting tired of gaming, so I asked Jordan if we could take a break. He whined a little but eased up when Connor said he would make frozen pizza for lunch.
I sat on the barstool in the kitchen while Connor got the pizza out of the freezer, proceeded to add copious amounts of shredded cheese to the top, and stuck it in the oven. When he was putting the cheese away, I couldn’t help the urge creeping up inside me to walk over to him, wrap my arms around his waist and lean my head on his back. I was half-tempted to hop off my barstool to see what would happen if I did.
“Let’s go upstairs while the pizza cooks,” Connor said then, puling me out of my daydream.
I folowed him upstairs to his bedroom, and as soon as I was inside, I was hyperaware of the traces of Alexis that were ever-present.
A picture of her and Connor on his desk, her cheerleading sweater draped over his armchair, one of her hair ties on his dresser with several blond hairs stil attached to it. She was everywhere. I suddenly felt like I was invading her territory, and for the first time, I didn’t like it.
Never before had I realy thought about Connor’s life with her, pictured her in his room or what they did in there, but it was apparent she’d been there recently.
“Come sit down,” he said, patting the space next to him on the bed where he had landed as soon as we’d entered the room.
Instead of walking over to him, my gaze landed on the picture on his desk. I couldn’t help staring at the image of him and Alexis, her on his lap, both of them with huge grins. It looked like it was taken over the summer at one of the bonfires she had at her house. I had a milion questions I suddenly wanted to ask but couldn’t. I tore my eyes away from the picture and walked cautiously over to the bed sitting down carefuly next to him. He watched me, giving me a funny look.
“Find something interesting?”
“Why Alexis?” I asked suddenly, turning to face him. We’d never talked about their relationship before, but I suddenly needed to know. They didn’t fit together. I’d always wondered why he’d picked her in the first place.
“Wow, direct,” he said, but he didn’t answer my question right away. He thought about it for a moment before responding. “She’s fun.”
“Fun?” I asked, not able to hide the judgment in my voice.
“Yeah.” Then quieter, he said, “After Calie, I understood what it was like to truly lose someone you love, and I hated the feeling. I figured if I didn’t let myself get close to anyone, I wouldn’t get hurt like that again. So when I moved here I wasn’t looking for anything serious. Alexis was fun. She didn’t seem like the type who would pressure me into a commitment, so I dated her.”
“Wel that didn’t seem to work out how you planned,” I said, fuly aware of the snarky tone in my voice.
“Yeah,” he said, stretching out on his bed. “That sort of just happened, you know. A few weeks after we met, she stopped acting and let me get to know her – the real her that no one else realy gets to see. It’s a shame realy since she’s pretty great when she wants to be.”
“I know,” I said, remembering how she’d been in those moments when she’d let her guard down and alowed herself to be vulnerable, but it had been years since she’d been like that with me. “I’ve met that girl before.”
“You know, girls like her are usualy such a pain to be around, but I find that I can deal with the petty stuff when I can get the good stuff in return,” he explained.
“Do you have fun when with her?”
“Sure, I wouldn’t be with her if it wasn’t fun.”
“What sort of things do you do together?” I felt like I was probing, but the questions just wouldn’t stop.
“Normal stuff. Abby, where are you going with this? We’ve never talked about my relationship with Alexis before,” he said, catching me in my motives.
I unscrewed the cap of my water and took a long drink. Connor looked so relaxed with his hands behind his head.
“I guess I just wanted to make sure she was stil that good person inside. I know you would never date someone who wasn’t great, so I guess I needed to validate that she could stil be that person since I haven’t seen her in that way in a while. Everything changed for us last year, and it’s never been the same.”
Connor sat up a little straighter. “You dated some of the same guys as her, right?”
I looked out the window at the faling snow. It was stil coming down hard. From the warmth of Connor’s bedroom, it looked magical as it fel softly to the ground.
I shrugged. “Is that what she told you?”
“What realy happened?” Connor asked, no longer relaxed. He sat up and leaned forward, and in that moment, I knew he was realizing there was more to the truth that Alexis or I had shared with him.
I took a deep breath. “She kind of turned on me, and I don’t know what I did to her. Everything started when I went out with this guy, Wes, at the beginning of our sophomore year. She apparently liked him, so she was pissed that I was dating him, but I have a hard time believing that was the reason why our friendship fel apart. After Wes and I broke up, I started talking to Colin, and you know that story.
She was pretty vindictive, and I couldn’t ever figure out what I’d done to make her hate me so much.”
Connor didn’t say anything, but I could tel he was affected by what I was saying. I honestly wasn’t trying to bash his girlfriend, but it was kind of hard not to after everything she’d done.
“Everything kind of fel apart when she dated Wyatt. They broke up, and I started dating him–”
“Wait, you dated Wyatt?” Connor interrupted, and I realized my slip-up. I had never told him that part of the story. “Alexis dated Wyatt?”
I pressed my lips together, not sure how to respond. I could see the real questions forming in his mind.
“Wyatt knew how much people would ridicule him if they found out he was gay, so he tried to be straight, and it obviously backfired.
He and Alexis only dated for a month, but it was enough for him to know that he definitely didn’t like girls. He asked me if I would pretend to be his girlfriend for the rest of the year, so everyone would think he was straight. I was so stupid, but he was spiraling by that point, so I couldn’t say no.”
Connor just sat there staring at me, and I was dying to know what he was thinking.
“You’re right,” he finaly said.
“What do you mean?”
He shook his head as if in awe. “You realy would do anything for someone you love.”
I just gave him a half-smile, stil not sure if I’d done the right thing for Wyatt when I’d agreed to fake a relationship. I part of me thought it had somehow made things worse.
I looked away toward the window again. I was mesmerized by the snow, lost in thought, when Connor reached forward and took my hand. I looked up at him, surprised.
“Come here,” he said, puling me toward him.
He settled back against the headboard and tucked me in beside him, so my head was resting on his chest. He stroked my hair for a few minutes.
“Connor, don’t,” I said, not liking how he was making me feel.
He stopped moving his hand. “Sorry, you just looked so sad.” He leaned down and planted a kiss on the top of my head.
“Why do you always do that?” I asked, sitting up and facing him.
“Do what?” he asked, the picture of innocence.
“You’re so affectionate with me. I know you’re not like that with al of your friends, so why me?” I demanded.
“I don’t know, Abbs,” he said quietly. He looked down at his hands. He said something else, but it was mumbled, so I couldn’t make it out.
“What?” I asked, leaning forward.
He looked up and met my gaze. “I like you more than my other friends,” he said, stil quieter than normal. “I like you more than I should.”
There is was – the validation I’d been waiting months to hear. Truthfuly, I wasn’t shocked like I thought I would be. It felt like it was something I’d always known I would hear, so when he finaly said it, I wasn’t surprised.
“You have a girlfriend,” I said, and that was probably the last thing I expected to come out of my mouth in that moment, but Alexis was fresh on my mind.
“And you have a boyfriend,” Connor countered.
I sighed, a loud air-pushing sigh. “Jack’s not my boyfriend. We’re just dating. The truth is . . . I like someone else.”
Connor didn’t respond. He just kept his gaze trained on his lap.
“Does it matter that I like . . . someone else?” I asked then, holding my breath as I waited for his answer, having laid everything on the line in that moment.
“I don’t know,” he said, running his hand through his hair. “Yes. Yes, it does matter.”
I let out the breath I was holding.
He looked up at me again. “I think I need some time to think about everything.”
“Think about what?” I asked cautiously.
I could tel he was suddenly battling some things inside his head, and I had a feeling I was one of them.
“I have a girlfriend,” he said simply. “The last thing I want to do is hurt her, but the problem is I have trouble remembering that when I’m around you. When we’re together, I sort of lose sight of everything and everyone. That night I stayed at your house, I couldn’t stop thinking about you afterward.”
I could feel my heart racing in my chest, my blood pounding in my ears. I was trying to folow what he was saying, but it was difficult. I didn’t exactly know what he meant.
“I feel like I just need some time to figure out what I want.”
“What you want,” I said, echoing his words.
He nodded and pushed his hand back through his curls.
“How much time,” I asked, swalowing a lump in my throat.
“I don’t know. A few days, I guess.”
“Okay,” I said, feeling like I should say more, but at that point words didn’t seem like enough.
Instead I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed him before he could stop me. Connor seemed surprised, but after a few seconds, I felt him kissing me back. It was perfect, and I wanted nothing more than to keep going, but in the interest of saving face, I puled back before he could.
“Why did you do that?” he asked, and I could read on his face that he was a little angry with me. He’d asked for time to think, and I’d immediately disobeyed his request.
“I just wanted to give you something to consider when you’re thinking things over,” I said, and before he could respond, I was out of the room, saying a quick goodbye to Jordan before leaving through the back door, knowing I’d just made the best decision or the biggest mistake of my life.
That night Wyatt and Jack were snowed-in at Jack’s house, so I was left alone at home. It was probably a good thing because my mind was distracted, and I wouldn’t have been very good company. Part of me was delusional enough to think Connor was going to pick me, so I was fueled by hope, but another part of me knew I had a very good chance of losing him in the end.
The Friday after the nor’easter hit, the roads were finaly cleared and it was safe to go outside again, but I had stil hadn’t heard from Connor. I ended up going into work since we were opening early for Black Friday, then that night I went out to dinner with Jack and Wyatt.
When Jack dropped Wyatt and me off at the end of the night, I lingered outside with him for a few minutes. As I kissed him goodnight, I decided then and there that I wouldn’t punish myself for Connor’s indecision. I certainly didn’t want to push away a perfectly good guy just because the one I realy wanted was deciding if he might want to be with me. Besides, Jack was sweet and cute, and I knew he wasn’t looking for anything serious, so we could just have fun together.
Fueled by motivation not to sit home and pine, I decided to go snowboarding with Wyatt and Jack on Saturday since there was fresh powder on the slopes which was sort of rare for late November. I was glad for the distraction as the long drive up to Maine kept my mind off Connor. We stayed on the mountain until it closed, soaking up every bit of the day we could. On the ride back I found myself dreading the next day since I knew I would have to see Connor at work, and if he hadn’t made up his mind it would be torture.
***
I was at work on Thursday night, trying to keep my mind off of him, but it wasn’t working. Thoughts of him kept popping up at the most inopportune times. I was surer than ever that he was going to stay with Alexis, and I was pretty convinced it was my fault.
We’d worked together the Sunday before, but things had been so hectic now that the ski resorts were open and Christmas was just two weeks away that we didn’t have much time to talk. When business finaly died down Connor had come over to see how I was doing, but I my frustration had been building up al day, and it hadn’t been a good conversation.
We’d exchanged a few words before Connor said he just needed more time. The conversation ended in me teling him to ‘fuck off’ and never cal me again and him storming off. A few minutes later, Luke, having witnessed this exchange, told me I could go home. He and Connor would finish closing up. I’d stomped out of the store in anger, knowing I was acting like a child.