Authors: Monica Alexander
Their voices faded down the halway as they moved further away from us. Connor leaned back against the wal behind him, his eyes fixed on a point above my head.
“Shit,” he said again.
“I guess she’s back,” I said, saying what he was thinking. “She’s going to know you’re here and want to see you. You need to go downstairs.”
He nodded. “We can’t go together,” he said, ful of logic al of a sudden, but he was right.
“No, we can’t. You go first. I’l wait and come down in a few minutes.”
“Okay,” he said, as he pushed off the wal.
He had his hand on the doorknob when I stopped him. “Connor?” I asked, tentatively.
He looked back at me leaning against the counter, my arms crossed in front of me. “Yeah?” he said, looking conflicted.
“We’re drunk,” I said, wanting him to know that this wasn’t his fault. It was the alcohol.
He shook his head once. “Don’t,” he said, a twisted expression on his face, and I could tel how disgusted he was with himself as he left me alone in the bathroom.
My heart sank as reality struck me, and the tears soon folowed. I had been under the deluded impression that he’d picked me, that he liked me, but he was realy just drunk. He’d made another mistake with me, and I was going to be the one to get hurt. I was so stupid.
Why couldn’t I just let him go? Why did I have to kiss him again?
After everything that had happened with Alexis, everything she’d done to me, it turned out I was no better than her. I’d just made out with her boyfriend – again. Regardless of our differences or the past or how much I realy didn’t like her, I shouldn’t have kissed Connor.
By the time I stopped beating myself up, I realized I just wanted to go home. I caled Nicky on her cel but it went to voicemail. Then I tried Luke’s phone and got the same thing. A glance outside told me they were stil there, so at least they hadn’t left me. I figured I could scour the house for them, but that would probably mean running into Connor or Alexis, so it might be better if I just left. That way I could slip out quietly and not have to worry about hiding the fact that I was a giant boyfriend-stealing bitch.
My plan to leave without anyone noticing was foiled the minute I walked downstairs. Alexis was sitting on the couch talking to Connor.
She glared at me, and my instant thought was that he’d told her what we’d done. Then I saw her lean over to Faith. They stared at me, giggling, and Faith made a motion with her fingers like tears were running down her cheeks. They knew I’d been crying, but Alexis had no idea what I’d just done with her boyfriend.
“Aww, why so sad, Abby?” Faith asked, trying to suppress her giggles and failing miserably.
I looked right at Connor. He looked back at me. His face was expressionless, as I’m sure mine was too, but I knew he could tel I’d been crying.
I forced a smile on my face. “It’s just alergies,” I said, knowing they would believe my lie.
“Aww, don’t be sad Abby,” Faith said. “They’l be other guys. Come on, Lex.”
Too bad Faith didn’t know how right her assessment was although she no doubt thought I was upset over Jack. I watched the two of them prance out of the room, giggling al the way.
I stood there for a minute, staring at Connor, daring him to make the first move, but instead he just stared at me, a look of utter regret on his face. When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I turned on my heel and left the house.
It was colder that it had been earlier in the night. A light snow had started faling and the ground now had a light dusting of white powder over it. I stood on the front lawn for a few minutes, not realy knowing what to do. I could walk. It wasn’t far to my house, but it was also snowing. I felt for my cel phone in my pocket, puled it out and caled a cab.
While I waited, I kept my eyes forward, not realy focusing on anything. The snow fel lightly around me. I could feel it hit the top of my head and melt into my hair. I hugged my coat around me to stay warm.
Behind me I heard the front door open and someone come out, but I didn’t turn around to see who it was. I heard the person come up behind me and felt their arms encircle me, puling me close. I could smel his familiar scent but knew that I would have been able to tel who it was by those arms. I had memorized their touch long ago. I leaned back against his chest, and he rested his chin on my head.
We didn’t say anything, and I’m not sure either of us knew what to say. The cab puled up a minute later. I moved to walk toward it, but he held me back.
“Don’t go.”
I turned around to face him. “Connor, what do you want me to do? Your girlfriend is inside. Go back to her.”
“I don’t want you to go home alone. Let me come with you.”
“No,” I said firmly. “You can’t.”
“Abby, please.”
“Connor, what do you want me to do?” I asked, throwing my hands up in desperation. “You have a girlfriend. I can’t keep doing this with you.”
The cabbie honked his horn. I turned around to look at him, and held up my finger, indicating that I needed a minute.
“Please stay,” Connor said, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his jeans. He’d left his coat inside. His eyes were pleading with me. “We should talk about this.”
I closed my eyes and sighed. “I don’t realy feel like talking.”
He sighed, and I wished I could read his mind. Instead of responding, I just shook my head, before turning on my heel and walking away from him.
“Abby wait,” he said, when I was ten feet from him. I turned around to see what he could possibly want, fighting against getting my hopes up. He crossed the space between us and stood in front of me, his hands in his pockets. “I need to know something.”
I nodded, as if to tel him to go ahead.
“Who started those rumors about you last year?” He asked the question, but I could tel from his tone that he already knew the answer.
I wondered just when he had figured it out.
“Alexis,” I said quietly, as I sucked in a breath of cold air.
He nodded and swalowed hard. “And who told everyone that Wyatt was gay? Who started the rumors about him?”
“Connor, I think you know the answer to that question.”
He shook his head a few times, not able to believe that what he had suspected was true. I could see the truth about the girl he thought he knew was sinking in. As if in response to his posture, I wrapped my arms around him, holding him for a few seconds, but he didn’t respond. Finaly I puled back, kissed his cheek and turned toward the cab.
This time he let me go. I walked away feeling more alone than I had in a long time. I climbed in, gave the driver my address, then lay back against the seat and closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see Connor standing on the lawn watching me, as I knew al too wel that he was.
Everything was so messed up. I shook my head a few times to shake out the pain I was feeling. The ache in my chest was almost too much to bear, as I picked up my phone and dialed the only person I knew I could always count on.
The next morning, I slept until eleven. I open my eyes, roled over and felt sadness engulf me. I was exhausted. I’d stayed on the phone with Wyatt until three. He’d talked to me until the tears had dried up and my eyes had finaly gotten heavy. I’d slept fitfuly for the first few hours, but sometime around dawn I’d falen into a deep sleep. My eyes felt puffy and dry and my head ached from a mix of being hung over and crying too much.
I forced myself to get up, eat breakfast, shower and start on my homework so I’d have something to occupy the hours. By seven o’clock that night I had finished my homework, ate dinner with my parents, watched some TV and read, but I stil couldn’t get my mind off of what had happened with Connor the night before.
He was right. We needed to talk. We needed to figure this thing between us out once and for al. Either we were friends or more than friends, but we couldn’t be in this in between place anymore. It wasn’t working.
I put my books away, bundled up and headed over to his house. My heart was pounding as I knocked on the door. Connor opened it dressed in dark jeans and a white button-down with a gray sweater over it. My stomach flipped over at the sight of him. Even as disappointed in him as I was, he stil got to me. I hated that he had that effect.
“Hey,” he said warmly, seeming surprised to see me.
“Hi,” I said, suddenly shy. “Can we talk?”
He leaned against the door jam. “I’m actualy on my way out.”
“Oh,” I said, looking down at my Converse sneakers and then back up at him. “Where are you going?”
He ran his hand through his hair, making it messy. I wanted to reach up and smooth it for him, but I didn’t. As natural as it would have been a few weeks earlier, it was weird now.
“Rich is having a party.”
“Oh, okay,” I said and turned to go, wondering if he even realized how much he’d hurt me.
I felt his hand on my shoulder, stopping me from leaving and turned around to face him again.
“Do you want to come?” he asked, offering me what seemed like an olive branch.
“I’m not realy dressed for a party,” I said, gesturing to my sneakers. My hair was in a messy knot at the back of my head.
“I think you look great,” he said, fingering a loose curl that had falen around my face.
“Connor, don’t,” I said, jerking out of his reach. “I can’t do this with you anymore. Just cal me tomorrow or whenever.”
With that, I walked away, leaving him standing in the doorway to his house.
***
“I thought you were going to Rich’s party,” I said, not giving him a chance to say helo.
“I did,” he said, sounding breathless.
“And?” I prompted, knowing there was more.
“And, I left.”
“Okay.” I wasn’t sure what came next. Why was he at my house?
“Can I come in?” he asked. “It’s freezing out here.”
“Sure,” I said, as nonchalantly as I could, stepping aside so he could come in.
“You’ve been crying,” he said, as he took off his coat and hung it on a hook in the front hal.
“No, I haven’t,” I said, getting defensive. I quickly checked my reflection in the mirror and saw that my eyes were red and puffy.
“Fine, you haven’t been crying,” he said, sarcasticaly.
“If you’re going to be a jackass, you can leave,” I snapped at him.
“What is your deal?” he snapped back.
I couldn’t believe he was that dense. “I’m pissed off at you. Obviously.” I roled my eyes for emphasis, knowing it would annoy him.
“Why?”
“You’re going to make me say it?” I asked, not believing we were having this conversation again. Thank God my parents weren’t home. I didn’t need them to hear our drama.
Connor just stood there, arms crossed in front of him, staring at me.
“Fine,” I said, “You’re an asshole.”
“I’m an asshole,” he countered.
“Yes, you are. You initiated that whole mistake last night, and then you have the audacity to think that things can just go back to normal, and I’l just go back to being your friend who’s secretly in love with you. Wel I’ve got news for you. It’s not going to happen.”
In another life I’d have never shared that last bit of information with him, but I was in no mood to hold back. Besides, it wasn’t like my feelings for him were hard to deduce. He knew how I felt.
“I get that you want to be with Alexis and that’s fine, but I can’t be your friend anymore, Connor. I can’t be the girl who pines away for you, wishing and hoping that you’l break up with your ‘perfect’ girlfriend and pick me.” I put air quotes around the word perfect just for him. “I’m sick of this. I like you way too much, and it hurts too bad each time I get my hopes up and you crush them. I can’t do it anymore.”
“Are you about done?” he asked.
I realized I was out of breath. “Yes,” I said, folding my arms to mirror his stance.
“Good,” he said, closing the gap between us in one step.
He got very close to me, leaned down and said, “I can’t be your friend anymore either.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, contemplating what it would feel like to punch him. I wondered if it would bring me the satisfaction that I was hurting him as much as he was hurting me.
“Then you should go,” I said calmly, amazed at how colected I was on the outside when my insides were shredding to pieces.
Instead of leaving he just stood there, looking down at me, smirking slightly. “You are adorable when you’re mad. I love that about you.”
I threw my hands up in surrender. “I give up,” I screamed. “Why do you insist on torturing me, Connor?”
“I also love the way your cheeks flush when you’re excited. I love how you say my name and how you make me laugh and that we have the same taste in music. I love that you’re not afraid to just be yourself and that you speak your mind and that you know exactly what you want. I love that you play video games with my brother and you’re nice to him and that you know how screwed up my parents are.”
I was frozen to the floor, not sure what was happening, unable to move or speak. Connor kept going.
“Do you know why I took that job at South Shore?”
I shook my head.
“So I could see you more. I didn’t need the money, and Luke could have found someone else to work that shift, but I couldn’t stay away from you, no matter how mad you were at me. There were times when I was with Alexis, and I’d be thinking about you, wondering what you were doing and who you were with. I hated that you were hooking up with Jack. When we hang out, I have more fun with you than with anyone else. You are one of the most important people in my life, and the sad part is, I just realized it last night.”
He took a breath, pausing for me to respond, but I didn’t know what to say.
“When you walked away from me, because you thought was I choosing Alexis over you, it kiled me. I felt like such an idiot, watching you get in that cab, knowing that I needed to speak up and tel you how I was feeling. But it was too late. Too much damage had been done, and you were so mad at me.”