I see the distress emanating from every ounce of her frame. Her eyes close, and two tears drip down her cheeks. I wipe them with my fingers and lean in to kiss her forehead. Her body lurches with a sob. I know what she’s doing; she’s putting the blame on herself. I hate that. I hate it so much, and I won’t let it happen.
“Stop! Stop doing that right now. Please. Don’t.” My voice is gruff. Her eyes fly open, and the sorrow in them hits me in the chest. “This is not your fault. We’re grown men, but sometime things get worked out immaturely. We’ll live. Gray and I had words, but I’m okay. Everything’s okay.”
“No, it’s not,” she says. “Are you hurt?”
“I’m fine. I just need to see my beautiful girl right now.” I smile to reassure her. “Why are you still up?”
She gives me a shaky smile. “Did you think I’d sleep without you?”
“I guess not. I’m sorry it took so long.” I try to tell her with my eyes that I missed her, that I need her. I drag my gaze down her body, my heart aching over what happened to her. I think of what Gray told me, and my body burns to string that asshole up by the balls. I want to make her forget all the bad things she felt she had to do to get my attention, to find something I wasn’t giving her.
“We should ice your face,” she says, wincing as she looks over me. “It’s pretty swollen. I’m sure tomorrow it’ll be worse.”
“It’ll be fine. I just took something. I need a shower, though.” I arch a brow and watch her cheeks turn pink. “Can you wait for me for five minutes? Then we can talk. I just need a minute to clean up.”
“Yeah, sure. Are you hungry? I can fix you something while you’re in there.”
I’m starving, but not for food. I’m starving for her touch, her wet heat, the look on her face when I make love to her, those soft breaths before she tips over the edge. I’m starving to lick the sweat from her breasts, to bite her neck, to come in her, and mark her. Fuck, I don’t need food, I need my wife, every damn inch of her. She’s my reprieve, my escape. I need her now more than any other moment in my life. I want to touch every inch of that beautiful heart, every ounce of that sexy body, and every thought in that brilliant head.
“I’m starving, baby, but not for food. Will you wait for me?” I ask, searching her eyes.
She trembles, a sweetness crossing her features as want takes over. “I’ll always wait for you.” She leans in to kiss me.
I kiss her back and smile against her lips. How I could I do what I’ve done and ever deserve her again? I’ll never know. “I love you, Kylie. I swear, I’m going to make everything up to you.” I touch her cheek and run my other hand up her neck, gripping her hair. “I’ll earn you back. If it kills me, I’ll deserve to be your husband again, and I’ll never abandon you.” I ghost my lips across hers and wait for her to open those eyes I love so much. When she does, I smile. “I’ll be right back.”
“Okay.” Her voice is raspy, and her eyes are heavy lidded with yearning. We both need each other.
I walk out the kitchen, heading to the bathroom. I turn on the shower, shed my clothes quickly, and step in. The water pelts my skin, and I turn it hotter, letting it run over my muscles, urging my body to relax. Everything inside me is crying out to take her. I want so badly to shove all my thoughts aside and lose my heart in her. I want to reach into her, smooth and fix the hurts I put there.
My cock hardens as I think about her beautiful curves and the feel of her skin. Everything about her is soft, feminine, and sensual. Gray’s right; Kylie’s gorgeous, but what’s on the inside of her is golden. She’s a free-spirited, tell-it-like-it-is sex kitten. She’s owned me from the moment she opened her mouth. God, when I think of her mouth, my body heats. I think about what I’m going to do to her, how I’m going to take her. I picture my hands running over her waist up to her tits. I see myself grabbing her nipple with my teeth. I can taste her skin. Her face is seductive, erotic, and enticing…
Boom.
I’m hit with an image of another man sliding his hands down her body, his mouth locking on that same rosy bud I just had in my mouth.
My muscles tense, and bile burns its way up my throat. I lay my forehead against the cool tile of the shower wall, splaying my hands in front of me, and take a few deep breaths, urging my head to clear of these insidious thoughts. “Fuck you, you stupid bastard,” I say to myself. “You fight through this, you worthless piece of shit.”
Breathing deep again, I force myself through the wretched pain and think about my hands gliding down her body, moving to the lips of her pussy and finding her clit. I see her spread her legs as I tease her slowly. She groans loudly, spurring me on. I make sure not to put too much pressure against it, but just enough to get her sexy pussy to glisten with want. I picture myself spreading her wider, watching her bare herself to me completely. Our gazes connect as my tongue snakes out to graze her tender nub.
Boom.
Another tongue gets in the way. I watch her throw her head back in pleasure as her cheeks get rosy, those icy blues glistening with ecstasy. My chest convulses and pain rips through my torso as the bastard slips his fingers into her heat.
My pulse skyrockets, my body in total distress from the mental image. Anger kindles like sparks from a lit match. “You bastard, don’t. Fuck, don’t do this,” I whisper, tortured into the space. “Please don’t do this.”
I take two deep breaths. Jealousy still eats at my soul like an animal dismantling its pray. I fight through the crushing, heart-wrenching pain. I push it away, grab my cock, and stroke it roughly. I think about picking her up and pinning her to the wall as the water drips down around us. I see fire blaze through her as she grips my shoulders and digs her nails into my back, drawing blood and begging me to thrust into her. I surge my hips up and…
Boom.
Someone’s holding her by the throat. Her legs are dangling, not reaching the floor. Her bra is gone; her tits are on display for them to see. She’s naked, her pussy is bared to him. A surge of pain for my girl burns deep. An inferno of anger already lit at the deepest recesses of my soul ignites in an open flame. My control snaps, and a full-fledged fire erupts as I tense to fight. He enters her, and a vicious roar pulls from low in my throat, reverberating against the walls.
My heart crumbles. My body gives out as I fall and growl in pain. “No, fuck!” My life is out of control. My sanity splits and spirals into oblivion. I break when I think of what she’s done and what I’ve let happen. I slam my fist into the wall, pounding my anger out, needing a place to expel the carnivorous pain that enslaves me.
“Cooper?” Kylie’s desperate voice tries to cut through my fog. “Oh God, please, what’s wrong?”
I dig deep, using everything I have left to face my wife. I stand and turn around, seeing her anguished face. She’s shaking and crying, and she looks as broken as I feel. Before I know what I’m doing, I’m opening the shower door and grabbing her hips. I drag her inside and desperately tear at her clothes. She yelps in surprise as I pick up her naked body and pin her to the wall.
My eyes bore into her, pleading with her to let me take it all. “I need you. Please don’t talk right now. Just let me have you.” I can’t contain the emotions that are bleeding from my pores. My arms flex and burn as I grip her ass tightly and rub my cock against her core.
“No,” she whispers, her face falling in betrayal. “Please, Jesus, he didn’t. Tell me Gray didn’t tell you.” Her voice cracks, and her eyes close. “Why, why would he do this to me?”
I still my body and ache for the way she reacts. I fucking hate this.
“It’s okay, baby,” I say, trying to soothe her. My heart thrums rapidly, and my throat clogs. I want to take this from her so badly, wash all the guilt from her. “I’m sorry, Kylie. God, I’m so fucking sorry, I wasn’t there. Please forgive me. Please forgive me and give me your pain. Let me take it. Don’t keep it from me anymore. I want to love you. I want to take care of you. I don’t care what you’ve done. It doesn’t matter to me.”
She opens her tear-filled eyes. “He promised. He swore to me.”
“It doesn’t matter what he said. You were never supposed to be there, and that piece of shit should never have even been able to look at you,” I growl. “This isn’t your fault. It’s mine. You tried to call me. Where the fuck was I? It doesn’t matter that I know. It changes nothing. You let me carry that guilt. Please, it’s not your fault. This is my burden. Mine.”
She leans her head on my shoulder and cries, her chest heaving. I wrap my arms around her and hold her tight. I feel destroyed for her, remorse flooding my veins that this beautiful soul is so broken. After several minutes, she pulls back and looks at me. Her blue eyes are rimmed in red, her face is flushed, and her lips look swollen. Her beauty assaults me.
“I’m sorry, Cooper. Sometimes I want to die, just disappear, and other times I want to fight. I’m tired,” she whispers. “I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. I’m scared. I’m afraid you’ll think I’m disgusting, that I’m going to repulse you and you’re not going to want me.”
Her eyes hold that ache I always see behind them. I want to snatch it away. Jesus, I’ve hurt her. She’s a completely different girl. I have single-handedly changed her.
“Stop right there. Listen to me. You’ve never, ever repulsed me.” My voice rises as I try to get her to understand that. “Never. Christ, baby, you’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen.” I take a deep breath, my body tensing. “Something messed my head when we lost her. Something didn’t work. I don’t know why, and I can’t explain it. I just needed time to figure out what it was. It had nothing to do with you. It was never about you. It was all me, baby.”
“If that’s the truth, then why could you touch other women and not me? How could you have sex with them and not me?”
Its time.
It’s finally time to tell her what I haven’t wanted her to know. Everything freezes as I get ready to drop a bomb. I lean my forehead against hers and drop her legs, keeping her back pressed to the wall. I stare into her eyes, placing my hands on the sides of her head. We say nothing, our breath melding and the water in the shower turning cold.
“I don’t know how to say this. There were no other women,” I whisper. “Layla was the only one, Kylie.”
Her eyes widen for a fraction of a second. Her face falls as she slowly processes my words. “No, what do you mean? There couldn’t have been. I saw them. The girl at the bar? I know, I saw them.”
I take a deep breath. “The girl at the bar was the first one I felt like fucking.” I wince at the way it comes out. “When I saw you with that guy, I didn’t know it was Nate. I just knew it was another man. I was overwhelmed with you and changed my mind. I ended up leaving her there. I got my own hotel room that night. Nothing happened. As for Layla, she had been pursuing me for a couple of months. When I got back from the Keys and found out about Nate, I was mad. I went to find you and saw you with Gray. When I left the lake house, I was so angry. That was the first night I slept with Layla.”
“I don’t understand,” she says. “Why just one? Why would you make me think something that’s not true? Why didn’t you stop me, Cooper?” Her face looks distressed, her black hair clings to her cheeks, and her forehead scrunches up in stress. It takes everything in me to continue, to open up and explain my actions.
“I’ve never wanted anyone but you. That’s never been an issue or need for me. All I needed was time to get my head right.” I don’t want to hurt her more than I have. I want her to know that this wasn’t about her. “Kylie, this is going to hurt you and I don’t want to do that, but this is the truth. I couldn’t fuck my own wife. I was screwed in the head, and it broke me. Something about losing Kayla and losing control of our lives messed me up. I knew I couldn’t give you what you wanted, so I chose to ignore you. I thought we could manage.”
She seems thoughtful and sad, but she’s listening to every word I’m saying. She’s trying to understand.
“That very first night you came home from the hotel, I knew what you had done. I had followed you,” I admit. “I was angry. I felt betrayed. Part of me hated you that night, and I used that anger to propel me. I made myself detach from you. I couldn’t deal with what you had done. When I look back, all that hatred I felt wasn’t for you. It was for me. I loathed myself for not being enough for you, for not being what you needed. I despised what you were doing but was too emotionally fucked to do anything about it. The only way I could deal with everything was to avoid you. It killed me to be near you, so I lived and breathed work, which you saw. I took as many trips away as I could so I wouldn’t have to lay next to you at night. I became a pussy. I ran from you because I felt like I’d never be enough. Losing Kayla destroyed me. It took my power. It took who I thought I was and changed me. I wish with everything inside me I could go back, that I could have a redo.”
She sobs. “I didn’t know. I didn’t know you were there.”
“I know you didn’t,” I whisper, wiping her tears.
“This is so fucked up.” Her eyes are rimmed with tears, her voice hoarse from crying. “If you waited for me, why pick Layla? Of all people, why her?”
I sigh. “She was easy. That’s it. I was angry and wanted to forget you, so I took what she offered. I used her and part of it was to get back at you. I needed a place to purge my pain. The thought of you with other men… it was killing me.”
She processes everything slowly. Her eyes flicker around as she grasps all I’ve said. After a minute, she whispers, “How many times did you fuck her, Cooper?”