Authors: Brenda Kennedy
When I get home, Leah and Gracie are already
there. My mind should be on the fight, but today, it’s only on the
court hearing. It’s hard to focus on anything else. Leah and I stay
in and order Chinese food for dinner. We turned off the cell phones
so we wouldn’t be interrupted. Although we don’t talk about
tomorrow, I know it’s the only thing we can think about. If we
don’t get custody of Madison, we’ll be heartbroken and if the
Sinclairs lose custody of her, they’ll also be heartbroken. There
isn’t a win-win in this case.
It seems that the nurse who was responsible
for this should be punished or something. With all of the heartache
that she caused, something should be done.
Leah sleeps intertwined with me. I don’t
sleep and she doesn’t either. Tomorrow is a new chapter in our
lives.
“
Are you ready for
tomorrow?” she whispers with her head resting on my
chest.
“
We don’t have a choice,
do we?”
“
No, I guess not. I’m
scared.”
I turn so I can look her in her eyes. “You
have no reason to be afraid. Do you hear me?”
“
What if we go in there
and they don’t acknowledge us as Madison’s
family?”
“
They will. How can they
not?”
“
Our little girls are six
years old today.”
“
It’s difficult to
believe. We’ll take balloons to the cemetery later today,” I
say.
“
And we’ll take Madison’s
gift to the courthouse with us?”
“
Sounds like a
plan.”
The next morning Leah spends most of it in
the bathroom. I can hear her dry heaving from the bedroom. When she
is upset, she always gets sick to her stomach. I try to go in and
offer her support, but the door is locked. I know she hates me
seeing her like that. “I’ll be out in a minute, Robert.”
I look at my watch and see that if we
don’t leave soon, we’ll be late. “Okay, Sweets.”
I carry Gracie downstairs where our parents
are waiting. The coffee pot is brewing and the aroma fills the air.
I’ve already had three cups of black coffee this morning. I don’t
need anymore. I see balloons and ballerina birthday cupcakes on the
counter. “It looks like a birthday party,” I say trying to smile.
Today is Jamie and Madison’s birthday. We still celebrate Jamie’s
birthday even though she is no longer here. Today we have two
daughters born on the same day and won’t be celebrating with either
of them.
“
Our little girl would be
six,” Tim says.
“
Yes, she would have
been.”
“
Is she all right?” Sue
asks.
“
She will be. Hopefully,
she’ll be down soon.” I look at my watch
again.
“
I should go up and check
on her,” Sue says as she stands.
“
I’m all right,
Mom.” I turn around and Leah is standing behind me. Her eyes are
red and swollen and she looks pale. “We need to leave if we want to
make it on time.”
Leah
I decided to wear a simple gray color dress
today with long sleeves today. Robert is wearing a gray suit and a
pink tie. I know the pink tie is for Jamie. I carry a small gift
wrapped in birthday balloon wrapping paper with a white bow. “I
hope Chelsea and Drake let her have the gift we bought for
her.”
“
I don’t think it’ll be a
problem,” Robert lies.
“
I need to use the
restroom again,” I say as I hand Robert the gift.
“
Leah, we’ll be
late.”
“
I’ll
hurry.”
At the courthouse, I
go into the bathroom yet again. Chelsea is walking out. Her eyes
are also red and swollen and I know she feels like I do. I dry
heave and then splash some water on my face.
I can’t do this.
I can’t
go in there and deal with this.
I hold
back the sobs that threaten to escape my mouth.
A knock sounds at the door and I know
it’s Robert. I take some deep breaths and open the door to face
him. He tries to smile, but I can see the fear in his eyes, or is
sadness? I can’t be sure. Probably a little of both.
We walk into the small courtroom and Bruce is
already at the front table. I look to the left and Chelsea, Drake,
and Madison is there with their attorney. The other only people in
the courtroom are the men I recognize from the meeting who were
representing the hospital. The courtroom must be closed to
spectators as well.
Robert holds my hand as he walks me towards
the front of the room. I feel like crying, I feel like throwing up
and I feel like passing out all at the same time. Madison looks
back at us when the heavy wooden door closes. Drake and Chelsea
keep their attention straight ahead. I try to smile at her when our
eyes meet, but she doesn’t smile. She looks frightened.
Bruce stands and greets us. He pulls out a
chair for me. Robert sits on one side and Bruce sits on my other
side. They are talking, but I can’t hear them. The sound of blood
rushing through my veins echoes in my ears. My heartbeat is
pounding and my palms are sweaty. I can’t breathe.
Someone enters the
courtroom and we all stand. Robert helps me and Bruce holds on to
my other arm. The judge walks in and takes his seat. I hear Chelsea
begin to cry.
I want to cry,
too.
I want to look over at her and
tell her this will all be okay, but I can’t. How can it be okay?
How is this going to work out to benefit anyone? If we get Madison,
she’ll lose the only parents she has ever known. If they get her,
she’ll miss out on all the love Robert and I have for her. I keep
facing straight ahead and look at the older man in a black
robe.
He talks about the baby swap and he expresses
sympathy to everyone on behalf of the court. He looks at us
and then to Drake and Chelsea as he gives us his condolences on
losing Jamie. Chelsea and I both sob. Robert holds my hand tightly
under the table. I try so hard to focus on his touch, but it’s
useless. I tap my foot repeatedly on the floor unaware I am doing
it until Robert tries to calm my leg with his hand.
“
It’ll be all right,
Leah,” he coos in my ear.
I nod but continue to cry. I don’t believe
him. The black cloud is over my head. I swear I think it is smiling
at me. It knows I am so close to letting go and letting it claim
me. I remember how the medicine numbed me. I liked that feeling. I
wish I were numbed right now. I don’t want to feel this pain,
Chelsea’s pain. It’s Jamie and Madison’s birthday. Shouldn’t we all
be at a birthday party celebrating? No, there is no celebrating for
us. When we leave here, we’ll go to the cemetery to grieve our
precious daughter.
I hear Drake talking and he talks about how
much he loves Madison. He speaks about family vacations and long
weekends they take together. I hear his voice cracks and it pulls
at my heart strings. He talks about games, and tea parties, and
family fun nights the family has. Chelsea talks between sobs about
reading stories and playing dress up with Madison. She says her
life wasn’t fulfilled until she had Madison. Madison speaks softly,
almost in a whisper. She says she loves her Mommy and Daddy and her
brother. I cry.
They love her. I never
doubted that. If we get Madison, they’ll grieve the loss of
Madison. I see now, it’ll be a different loss, but it’s still a
painful and permanent loss all the same. I finally look over at
Drake is trying to console his wife and his daughter.
His daughter. Our daughter. Madison cries. She
loves them. She called them Mommy and Daddy.
How can I take her from them? She’s our daughter. She belongs
with us. We will love her just as much as they do. I already
do.
Next, it’s Robert’s turn
to talk. He stands and I stand with him. We are a family and
together we’ll stand as one. He is my rock and I have to be strong
for him. I sniffle and wipe the tears from my eyes. I hold his hand
and stand tall beside him. He tells the judge about reading Jamie
nightly bedtime stories, he says how Jamie was
his
girl although she was my girl,
too. I laugh through tears. He adds that if he could have died in
that accident instead of Jamie, he would have. He wipes his tears
away and I cry harder. I hate when he says that because I know it’s
the truth. He would have given his life to save hers a thousand
times over. I hear Chelsea cry and I can’t take
it.
The judge gives me a minute before I have to
speak. Robert continues to stand with me. “I loved her from the
first time I saw her,” I say. I will myself to be strong. “Jamie
was beautiful, and funny, and sweet. She had a stuffed rabbit
that she named Jack, which she took everywhere she went. Her
room is just as she left it the day that she died. It’ll be three
years this month and we still can’t go in and pack her things
away,” I cry. “Today is her sixth birthday and instead of
celebrating her birth, we’ll be at the cemetery mourning her
loss.”
I take a deep breath and say, “Today is
Madison’s birthday, too, and we would like for her to
have this.” I take the small wrapped gift and place it at the end
of the table for Madison to see. I smile at her through blurred
vision. I look back to the judge and say, “Madison is our
biological daughter and we don’t need to know her to love her. I
know this entire nightmare had taken its toll on all of us. I have
no idea how a baby swap could have happened, but I do know that we
parents are left to deal with this mess. We mourn the loss of our
daughter Jamie, and we long to know and love our biological
daughter Madison.”
“
I don’t have a quick fix
to resolve this… I don’t even have the right word to describe it,
but I hope you don’t punish Robert and me for the hospital's
negligence. Madison is our biological daughter, and we have a right
to have her.”
Robert and I sit down and he squeezes my
hand. Bruce pats the top of my right hand.
“
Would the bailiff see
that Miss Madison gets her birthday gift from the Grethers?”
The judge called us Grethers, this can’t be
good.
The gushing sound has returned in my
ears. The judge says, "Mrs. Grether was right: The hospital was
very negligent and the families are left to sort it out. I
understand that the person responsible for this was the charge
nurse and that Melissa Simms is now under psychiatric care for her
mental illness.” He look behind us at the men from the hospital and
says, “Good.”
“
I want to apologize in
advance because no matter what, someone is going to get hurt. There
is only one living child and there are two
families.”
I cry and I can hear Chelsea as she sobs. The
judge clears his throat and says, “I have been dreading this date
and this case for that matter, for a long time. The only thing I am
thankful for is that these cases are few and far between. The
hospital is working on a monetary settlement for each family as we
speak. We know it’s not about the money and it won’t resolve
anything, but they need to be held accountable so this won’t ever
happen again.”
The judge drums his fingers on his overly
large desk or bench as the courts call it and says, “As for
custody, this isn’t an easy decision.” He looks over to where
Drake, Madison, and Chelsea are sitting. I can see that the
Sinclairs love Madison and has provided a stable and loving home
for her. That’s what children need. Madison is a very caring and
loving child. I watched her cry as the Grethers talked about the
loss of Jamie.”
He looks over at us and says, “There are no
words to say to someone when they lose a child. But Mr. Grether,
for you to stand here and say that you would give your life for
your daughters, shows me the love that you had for Jamie. I wish
this were easier, but it’s not.”
The judge looks straight ahead and says, “The
court’s ruling is in favor of the Grethers.”
I hear Chelsea cry and
scream, “No, you can’t take her from me. Madison is our daughter,
you can’t do this to us. She doesn’t know them.” I place my hands
over my ears to mute her cries. Her agony is too much for me. I
close my eyes and cry with her. Why am I crying? We just got
custody of Madison. I should be dancing around and I’m not. I know
her pain, I can feel it in her words. Someone was going to get
hurt. It was inevitable. Robert wraps his arms around me and holds
me tightly. I cup my hands over my ears harder and her cries still
hit me right in my heart.
Please stop,
please don’t cry.
The judge pauses briefly and explains that it
won’t be done quickly. It’ll be done gradually so Madison and
both families can adjust to the transition. Family counseling is
mandatory for everyone in both families. Chelsea continues to
cry. She repeats over and over, "We love her, she’s our daughter,
please don’t take her."
I still cover my ears and
cry with her. He gets to the part about Jamie.
What about Jamie? She’s gone, there’s nothing to
discuss.
He explains that the Sinclairs
have all rights to Jamie’s body. If they want to move her gravesite
to another cemetery, they can. “No, you can’t move her. She’s only
three, you can’t move her.” I didn’t expect this. I wanted Madison,
but I didn’t mean to give up Jamie to have her. “She’s our
daughter,” I cry.
Not once did I think
Jamie would ever be involved. To think that they can move Jamie and
I won’t know where she is, that I won’t be able to see her, it’s
too much.
I’m stupid to think this would
all work out.