Alayziah II: When Loving Him is Complicated (9 page)

Alayziah

Rell and I ended up being in the studio all night. I recorded six poems and two songs. By the time I made it back to Jabari’s house, it was five in the morning. He let me in and I went straight to Jessica’s bed. I cuddled with her until it was time for her to go to school. She didn’t want to go but I talked her into going so she wouldn’t be sitting around the house all depressed all day. When Jabari returned from taking her to school, I was dressed and getting ready to head out for breakfast with Marcel. I hadn’t been spending much time with him lately so I wanted to make it up to him before I went back to the studio.

“You leaving already?” he asked, throwing his keys on his coffee table.

“Yeah. I gotta meet up with Marcel before I head back to the studio.”

He walked towards me and towered over me.

I looked up at him and smiled. “How are you doing?” I asked.

He shrugged and put his hands in his pockets. “I’m okay. I’ll feel better when I know who did this so I can take care of them.”

My heart ached. “Jabari, she made me promise not to tell you, but I know who did it.”

After taking a step back, Jabari removed his hands and rubbed his face with them. “Who? Alayziah?”

“What are you going to do to him?”

“The fuck you think I’m gone do?”

“Promise me that you’ll call Rell before you do anything crazy, Jabari. He and Bishop can help you. She doesn’t want you getting into any trouble because of her. Besides your mother, you’re all she has. If you went to jail or were hurt, she’d carry that with her for the rest of her life. Promise me that you won’t do anything without some help.”

He walked towards me and wrapped his hands around my waist. I covered his arms with my hands and tried to remove them but he held me tighter.

“Bari…”

“Al, I was there for you… Be here for me. Love this pain out of me.”

“Jabari, I’m in a relationship now. I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“You’re in a relationship?” he asked with his arms still around me.

“Yes.”

“With who? Rell?” I nodded. “Alayziah, I need you.”

“Call your girlfriend.”

“It wouldn’t be the same.”

“Jabari…”

“Alayziah, please.” His lips found my neck and I shuddered involuntarily.

“Jabari, stop,” I protested lightly. My spirit was willing to leave and be faithful to Rell but my flesh… my flesh was weak.

“Come on, Al. I need to feel you. Please, Al.”

He fell to his knees and tried to pull my leggings down. I gripped his head and pulled him into me and then I quickly pushed him away.

“No Jabari! Get your shit together! When you’re ready to handle this nigga, call me and I’ll link you up with Rell and Bishop. Until then, I’ll get up with Jessica when she’s at home,” I yelled, grabbing my keys and purse.

“I’m sorry, Al. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I’m sorry for disrespecting your relationship. I’m just… in my feelings right now.”

Sadness laced his voice. My anger began to subside.

“It’s cool. I’m sorry for yelling at you. I appreciate you so much Jabari because you were there for me at one of the toughest points in my life, but I’m committed to my man.”

“I understand. Thank you for being here for my sister.”

I nodded before walking out. No more alone time with Jabari. This was too close of a call.

*

On my way to breakfast with Marcel I called Rell to let him know about what had just happened with Jabari and me. I didn’t want to keep this from him because I didn’t want him to ever question whether or not he could trust me. I just prayed that he understood that Jabari was at a weak point and my sex drive almost got the best of me, but I quickly recovered. If I lost him because of this, I can’t even imagine how my life would be after experiencing him for this brief moment. He answered the phone and I couldn’t help but smile at the sound of his voice.

“Baby,” I spoke lightly.

“What’s up, Ziah? Why you sound like that?”

“Sound like what?”

“Like you got some shit on your mind.”

“I do.”

“Let me ease it then. Out your mind, just in time.”

“You know that’s one of my favorite songs.”

“I know baby. That whole smash up Erykah Badu did fits you perfectly.”

“How so?”

“Well, the first song on the
Out my Mind just in Time
smash up is
Undercover over Lover
right?”

“Yeap.”

“That’s you, baby. You are an undercover over-lover. You try to make it seem like you didn’t want love and a relationship, but that was only because you desperately needed it. You are a relational being. You love hard as hell. You let that shit consume you. Not everybody can understand and handle that, and that’s why your relationships have failed in the past. You were choosing to give that love to men who couldn’t understand and return it. They couldn’t balance you out. You were feeding them with your love, but they left you hungry because they couldn’t do the same.”

I sighed heavily into the phone. “True.”

“Then the second one she spits,
Here I am alone
is what happens after you’ve given your all to those bum ass niggas who couldn’t balance you. Had you feeling alone, insecure, crazy. Overthinking and overanalyzing that shit, had you thinking the problem was you, but it was never you, baby. You are special. You love hard, with your heart on your sleeve. You love unconditionally, and not too many people do that today. They don’t want to be weak. They don’t want to get played. They don’t want to feel. They don’t want to give. They just want to take, but you don’t love that way. No matter what happens between us I will always respect you for that.”

“Terrell, I didn’t call you for this,” I whined with tears filling my eyes. The fact that he knew me almost better than I knew me had me feeling even worse about what had just happened between Jabari and me.

“Then, she ends the three song suite with “Out my Mind Just in Time”. She explains that the reason why she was feeling the way she was in the previous song was because she was thinking about what someone else had done to her, but she acknowledged the fact that in order for her to feel good and be at peace – she had to let that shit go. She had to get that shit out of her mind, just in time and free that space up for positive thoughts and energy. That’s what I’m trying to do with you. Give you good vibes and memories. Get you out of your mind. Show you that you can’t seek love and peace on the outside. It must come from within. You have to create that shit for yourself within yourself. That’s the only way it’s going to last.”

“Rell, Jabari tried to fuck me, and I almost gave in. He was having a weak moment over this situation with Jessica and he asked me to love the pain out of him. He kissed me on my neck, but I pushed him away, then he fell to his knees and tried to pull my leggings down, I’m not going to lie for a second I did pull his head into me out of a reflex, but I pushed him away and got on to his ass. I’m not going to be alone with him ever again. He apologized for disrespecting my relationship. It’s never going to happen again. I promise you that.”

I waited for him to respond, but for a few seconds, all I heard was him breathing.

“Did you want to fuck him, Alayziah?”

“No, it was just a reflex. You know I can be a horn dog sometimes. I don’t want him or anyone else Rell, I only want you. I don’t need anyone else. You take care of me on every level – physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and financially. You’re it for me, Terrell.”

“You sure about that, Alayziah?”

“I’m positive. It was my pussy. It wasn’t my heart reacting to him.”

“Cool, where you headed?”

I looked at my phone skeptically. I wasn’t expecting him to be this calm, not that I was complaining.

“That’s it? You’re not mad?”

“Why would I be mad? I’m secure in who I am and what I have to offer. I ain’t sweating no other nigga trying to take my spot. You fuck around you a fool. I get that shit happens, your little nasty ass just had a natural reaction, but if it happens again…”

“It won’t, with him or anyone else. I give you my word.”

“Then that’s all I need.”

I smiled as I resisted the urge to tell him I loved him. Finally, it seemed as if I found a man who could compliment and handle me.

Rell

When Alayziah told me that she was going to IHOP to pick up some breakfast before she came back to the studio, I decided to meet her there. I was on my way back from Bishop and Kailani’s crib. They thought she was going into labor last night so I went to check them out. What Alayziah failed to mention, however, was the fact that she was meeting some nigga up here. Now I ain’t the jealous type, but I am possessive. I don’t share, and I don’t play about what’s mine. So, when I first saw her hugging the nigga and cheesing harder than a rat my skin started sweating, but since she had yet to do anything to make a nigga not be able to trust her, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. The little shit that she told me about that happened with Jabari flashed into a nigga’s brain, though. I ain’t gone lie.

I walked over to them and pulled her into my arms from behind. The nigga looked at me like I was crazy but I didn’t give a fuck. She was mine. She moaned and wrapped her arm around my head and ran her hand down my neck.

“Hey baby,” she spoke turning to face me.

I kissed her forehead but I kept my eyes on the nigga she was with.

“Who is this?” I asked as she wrapped her arms around my waist.

“This is my best friend, Marcel. Marcel, this is Terrell.”

He nodded and I did the same.

“Why you ain’t tell me you were having breakfast with him? I came up here to surprise you and you already have a date.”

“Well, baby, I didn’t expect you to stop by. I was going to bring you something back, but since you’re here, you can still eat with us. Y’all need to get to know each other anyway.”

“Nah, baby, you enjoy your breakfast with your friend. I’ll see you in a little while.”

“You sure?”

“I’m positive. Just bring me something back. You know what I like, right?”

She smiled as I gripped her ass. “Rell stop,” she practically moaned biting her lip.

“Why? I ain’t had none today.”

“Rell, it’s…” She looked at her watch and chuckled. “It’s only eleven o’clock.”

“I know!” I yelled. “I need that on the regular. Swear yo pussy is peace for a nigga. I need that peace, Ziah.”

Alayziah turned and smirked at her best friend. “Suga…”

“Get it, Love.”

“You want some now?” she asked after she turned back to face me.

I was surprised she even offered it to a nigga. My dick swelled and she didn't make it any better when she pulled me into her and kissed me softly.

“Fuck yeah, and I can get some when you get home?”

She laughed. “Rell, you gone get tired of me.”

“No, the hell I’m not. I’ll never get tired of you or that pussy. So, you gone give me some when you get home?”

“Stop saying it like that. That is not my home.”

“That is your home, Alayziah. You don’t need to be staying in that hotel when I got a four bedroom home. Even if you don’t wanna lay up with a nigga you can crash in one of my extra rooms.”

“Hotel? The fuck you staying in a hotel for?” Marcel asked.

I was about to check his ass for cursing at my lady, but since it was out of love and concern for her I let the shit slide.

“I meant to tell you but somebody trashed my apartment. Fucked my shit up. I’ve been staying at a hotel for a couple of weeks.”

“Watch your mouth,” I warned.

“Why, Alayziah? You could’ve been with me. Why didn’t you tell me? That’s how we’re doing it now?”

“No, Suga. I just got caught up. I meant to tell you that night, but I called Jabari and he made me come over there. Then, Rell came over and made me come with him to Miami, where I found out I had a stepsister. It’s been a lot going on, best friend.”

“Shit, I see. You just done forgot about me. That’s cool, though. I see how it is.”

“Awww don’t be like that, Suga. You know I love you. It’s just been so much going on, boo.”

“I hear you, but you need to catch me up so you can say goodbye to that quickie.” He looked from her to me as he continued, “It was good meeting you, Rell. I’ll have her home to you in about an hour.”

I chuckled at the nigga as I looked at Alayziah. “Baby, looks like you in trouble,” I joked.

“I know. Tell him you want me to come home now,” she whispered.

“Nigga, I can hear you,” Marcel said.

We all shared a light laugh before I kissed her.

“Thirty minutes. And don’t forget my food,” I said before walking away.

Carmen

She still hadn’t figured out that I was the one fucking with her. When I was last at her apartment, I found her credit card information. Since she was still oblivious, I decided to have a little fun by maxing her credit cards out. I couldn’t find her bank information which was good for her, but what I did find I was about to blow up.

I was supposed to meet up with her and Rell today. I can’t wait until she sees my face, with her man at that. Now I just have to figure out how to get him inside of me before she walks in.