Alex Anderson The Last Son of Zeus (3 page)

BOOK THREE

THE TOTALLY AWESOME ASS

The Story Begins
Here.

Those were the words Alex Anderson read of the tiny sign decorating the harsh baby blue wall of the Parthenon Museum in Nashville, Tennessee. He stared at the area for a few seconds, though it admittedly was not because of the sign, but rather the person standing next to the sign. Actually, it was the
ass
of the person standing next to the sign: Helen
DeTroy
.

Alex never studied a lot about Greek sculptures; hell, he never studied anything really--ever. But he did know any artist studying Greek sculptures should instead study classmate Helen
DeTroy's
ass; her totally awesome ass, that is.

Alex's overweight and consistently nervous eleventh grade English teacher, Mr. Blankenship, walked up behind him and the rest of the class that was impatiently awaiting his return.

Once they had learned of the field trip, Alex's class went ape-shit. The chance to leave the prison-like confines of Athens Central High School was not to be taken lightly. They were excited. Really excited. So excited Mr. Blankenship considered canceling the trip for fear of not being able to control his class of thirty-two students.

To keep the trip from being cancelled, students offered the aid of parents who, not surprisingly, were not aware their aid was being offered. Blankenship agreed to proceed with the trip as planned if five adult chaperones came along. Including Ms.
Pryde
, Blankenship's student teacher, Alex's fellow students managed to recruit eight.

Since Blankenship learned the field trip was back on, he had been even more of a nervous wreck than usual. The students, and even Ms.
Pryde
, found a great deal of amusement in the situation.

Mr. Blankenship's three hundred pound frame waddled up. He shuffled several papers from one plump hand to another for no apparent reason. "Alright. Okay, alright, I've got everyone paid for. So let's go up the stairs. Slowly! Slowly, go up the stairs. I don't need a repeat of last year!" He stuck an inhaler between his walrus mustache and took a hit. The inhaler then promptly disappeared underneath several pounds of crotch fat.

Alex maneuvered past Sue
Markson
and in front of Jodie
Mallock
. He reached an optimum ass-viewing position right before the entire class proceeded up the stairs. He allowed Helen to gain a few steps on him, putting himself at eyelevel with the glorious denim covered crack.

There were a few snickers emanating from the front of the teenage group. Snickers that, Alex later found out, were a reaction to a fellow classmate tripping on one of the steep steps leading into the museum's main chamber. As the snickering ascended into full-blown laughter, the class stopped walking up the stairway.

Alex didn't.

Alex's face slid straight into Helen's butt-crack. She immediately screamed and jumped up two stairs, bumping Tara
Osburn
and Mike Fisher out of her way. An incredibly red-faced Helen turned to face Alex.

"God, Alex! What's your problem?"

And the story ends.

"Anderson!" Blankenship yelled, "Front and center!"

Taking a deep breath and
slumping
his shoulders a little, Alex slowly walked up the stairway to the front of the class. His classmates parted before him like he possessed some sort of magical power or magnificent presence. In reality, they were excited to see someone get in trouble and were just being polite enough to allow their colleagues enough room for a suitable vantage point.

He passed Helen's boyfriend,
Augie
, who gave Alex a dangerous look. At least, Alex assumed it was a dangerous look. It was hard to tell since
Augie's
six-foot four-inch height forced most people to stare at his chest. That plus
Augie's
bright-ass letterman jacket made it hard for Alex to see his face for longer than a brief glance, but the stance was clear:
I'm
gonna
fuck you up later.

Alex finally reached the top of the stairs and Blankenship pulled him to the side. "Why don't you go on without us," he said to Mrs.
Ferrel
. "This'll just take a minute."

Mrs.
Ferrel
, the Parthenon's volunteer guide, nodded politely and turned to face the class. "Okay, guys, if you all come this way, we'll get started," she motioned for the class to follow her. The class walked by Alex and Blankenship a bit slower than they needed to.

Blankenship crouched into Alex's personal bubble and tilted his head forward. That was the strange thing about the teacher. He was a consistent, nervous wreck when all of his students were behaving in a manner somewhat approaching appropriate. But when one of them fucked up, the man immediately became--not just cool--but James T. Kirk cool. "Alright, Anderson, what happened?"

Alex shrugged his shoulders and allowed his hair to hang into his eyes. "I bumped into her."

"Bumped...into her?"

Alex nodded. "Yeah--that's all. Bump. Just a little bump. Nothing--nobody meant anything--I mean I didn't mean anything by that." Alex pointed at the stairway.

Blankenship placed his hands on his hips and let a long silence pass between them. He coughed a little.

Alex shoved his hands in his pockets. "Is that all? Are we through? I don't
wanna
miss the story."

Blankenship stood there for a few moments and finally nodded. "Do
us
a favor and stop bumping into people, okay?"

"No bump guarantee, right here, Mr. B." Alex slipped past Blankenship. The teacher's rotten meat smell filled his nostrils and escaped through his mouth. Fighting the urge to puke, he stepped into the Parthenon's main chamber.

And saw the fifty-foot statue of Athena.

It was huge. God, it was huge. Gold armor covered her ivory skin. A spear leaned against the goddess's right side. She held a massive shield in one hand and a person holding
a wreathe
in the other.

"...
originaly
built in Athens, Greece around four fifty BC."
Ferrel's
voice echoed through the chamber. The class was arranged in a semi-circle with her at the center. "From all of the archeological evidence we've managed to gather, this is a very close approximation of the maiden found therein. Notice I said 'maiden,'" she smiled. "Parthenon literally means 'House of the Maiden' in Greek. The real Parthenon was built by the Athenians for the express purpose of housing the statue of Athena, a statue they built as a thank you to her for helping them defeat the Persian army years before."

Most of the students were either genuinely interested in what the guide had to say or at least did a halfway decent job of faking it. Others such as Jenny, Jenny, and Jenny, three of Alex's classmates who had the ironic fortune of being close friends, stood near the back of the circle and were giggling while taking pictures of one another in amusing poses. Blankenship huffed over to them and put an immediate stop to it.

Over to Alex's right, George
Carles
simulated oral sex on the crotch of a statue. His buddies found it amusing until Blankenship gave the three of them detention.

Alex decided to stay at the rear of the circle until he saw
Augie
making his way over. Alex immediately made his way to the front. He wondered how long
Augie
would be upset about the whole thing,
then
started wondering what he was going to have for lunch, followed by some more inappropriate musings of Helen.

Ferrel
rattled on for a few more minutes then led the class into the next chamber. Alex started to follow but became caught up in Athena's glare.

He wondered what it must have been like all those years ago. Building such a massive something from nothing. They had no tools--not what Alex would call tools anyway. Just rocks and chisels and, stuff.
How could they do it? How the hell could they do it? I have electricity and I couldn't even do it. Electricity. I wonder if Helen ever uses a vibrator.

"Hey
fuckwad
!"

Alex turned around in time to see a curled up fist moments before it hit him in the face.

Hard.

He fell to the tile floor and looked at his attacker,
Augie
Canay
.

Augie
pointed a trembling finger at Alex. "Stay away from her. You hear me? You stay the fuck away!"

Alex already felt the searing pain set in on his right cheek. It hurt to move his face, jaw, or head in any direction. "
Augie
, just--please," he held up his hand. "I don't--I didn't--just don't worry..." Alex's posture immediately changed. "I'm sure she'll let you hit the rim sometime too."

Augie
kicked Alex in the stomach.

Hard.

Right before Alex started vomiting, Blankenship ran over, yelling at
Augie
to back off.
Augie
took a few steps back and smiled as Alex's cheek slapped into a pool of the hotdogs he had for breakfast.

Blankenship slowly helped Alex up and motioned for
Augie
to follow the two of them out of the room.

Augie's
confident and somewhat playful swagger was a direct contrast to Alex's limping and leaning gait. The three exited the chamber of mighty Athena.

Athena turned her head slightly and watched them.

BOOK FOUR

THE PATHETIC EARTH

Hera hated Earth.

She hated the look of it, the sound of it, the smell of it, the taste of it, and--most importantly--the feel of it. Even now, as she patiently waited in the elevator of the Greek Isles Hotel and Casino, the thought of possibly brushing the opening elevator doors revolted her.

I'm here because of him. This is his fault.

The doors opened, and Hera turned slightly sideways to step through. She heard the sound of clomping feet coming down the carpeted hallway. Hera turned to see a small girl running toward her. A stupid grin decorated the child's face while she ran just as fast as her five-year old legs could possibly carry her.

Her mother stood twenty feet away, just outside a room door. She seemed more interested in the contents of her purse than the wellbeing of her child. "Don't run away from mommy, honey. You know she gets upset," she said while never looking up from her purse.

The child laughed and ran faster. She risked one quick look at her mother, just to make sure the manipulative "catch me if you can" game was afoot. Seeing her mother still hadn't moved from their room's doorway, the child returned her gaze to the hallway in front of her.

That's when Hera tripped her.

Hera hated touching the thing, but the results were certainly worth it. The child hit the carpeted floor face-first and slid on her nose a good six inches. She had so much momentum her feet rose in the air well past her head.

The child rolled over and started screaming. Blood poured from something only half-resembling a nose. The child didn't seem to know if she should touch it, scream louder or roll into a fetal position.

Hera looked down at her. "Pathetic."

Mom must have lost interest in her purse a split-second before Hera touched the child. "Hey! Bitch! Did you just trip her?"

"Oh, an American. Such a surprise."

Hera saw mom's eyes flash from anger to unbridled fury. She raised a hand to hit Hera. "How
fuckin
' dare you--"

"How dare I?" Hera caught the woman's hand in an iron grip, "How dare
I
?"

Bones in the woman's wrist cracked. Hera squeezed even tighter. "
How dare I? How dare any being give such a socially distracted creature the ability to breed is a far better question, don't you think?"

Hera finished breaking the screaming woman's wrist and flung her against the wall.

Hera looked at the hand that touched mommy and curled her lip.
On Earth for five minutes and already I've touched--not just one--but two of these wretched things.

Realizing it could only make the feeling worse if she wiped her hand on
something,
Hera shook her head and stepped over the wailing child, who was forced to suck blood and mucus into her mouth with every breath.

"Pathetic."

~ * ~

It took Hera five more minutes to locate her target: room 303.

"He always had a thing for three." Hera kicked in the door and found her husband, Zeus, god of thunder and leader of the entire pantheon, in the middle of carnal relations with three Greek prostitutes.

He untangled himself from the women and stood up. "Dear, before you say anything, allow me to tell you--"

"Oh please, do spare me your pathetic--"

"--that this is exactly what it looks like."

Hera gave her husband an icy glare. "If you're finished, we need to talk."

Zeus looked at the three women. After the initial shock of the door being kicked open, they were the picture of calm. None of them even made a move to dress. They simply waited, while giggling with one another, to see how this was going to pan out. None of them were aware of Zeus' identity of course. They probably thought he was a British businessman on a holiday to Greece. A businessman who, once free of his nagging wife, had been seeking a type of enjoyable company that could only be delivered by three women simultaneously.

Up to a certain point, they had been correct.

Zeus looked back at Hera. "Oh, I assure you, I am not finished."

Hera made a head gesture toward the three women. "Must I kill the lot of them before I am to be graced with your attention?"

Zeus's smile was replaced with annoyance. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find three bisexual Greek prostitutes in this day and age?"

"I'm not joking. I'll kill them this very moment."

"And I mean
really
Greek. Not just what simply passes for
Greek.
"

Hera placed one foot into the room. Zeus placed his hand on her chest. "You have five minutes."

"Five minutes? To us, that is the blink of an eye."

"If you do not hasten, it will be a lifetime."

"Remove your hand, husband. And
beware,
I do not take to threats lightly."

Zeus looked at his hand, removed it, and looked back at the bed. "Don't move," he told the girls in Greek. "I'll return momentarily."

They giggled and nodded their heads.

Zeus stepped into the hallway and closed the broken door as best he could.

He clapped his hands together loudly and rubbed them together. "Now, what's up, buttercup?"

"I know."

"Could you, perhaps, be more specific?"

"I know about the woman, I know about the child, and I know both currently reside in Athens, Tennessee. Is that specific enough for you?"

"I see...what are your intentions?"

Hera smiled. "You shouldn't ask me what they are. You should ask me what they were."

A lightning bolt flew from Zeus's palm and hit Hera in the chest.