Alice Isn't Well (Death Herself Book 1) (13 page)

“Help me,” Wendy stammered, her voice trembling with shock. The pilot's sharp, skeletal fingers were still digging into her body but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't manage to slip free.

“Go in peace,” Hannah said, leaning closer to the dead pilot's face. “It's okay, I understand that you're scared, but you're done here in this world. You have to move on and explore the next life now. Millicent's going to be okay, so there's really no reason to dawdle. Just go in peace and you'll see that it's all been worthwhile. What's the alternative? You're in no state to go and see her, you'd only terrify her.”

Opening his mouth, the pilot let out a loud, angry hiss.

“Go in peace,” Hannah continued, gently starting to push him back toward the crack of light, while reaching down with her other hand and trying to force his fingers off Wendy's arms. “Seriously, you need to go in peace now. You're becoming quite irritating.”

The pilot's hand began to slip away from Wendy for a moment, before he reached up and grabbed her by the shoulder. She screamed as he began to pull himself all the way out of the crack, but Hannah sat back, raised her right foot and slammed it against the skull, kicking him away.

“Go in peace!” Hannah shouted, kicking him again and again. “Come on, what part of
go in peace
don't you understand?” She kicked his face again, before changing her angle of attack and this time kicking him in the chest with enough force to send him back a couple of feet, cracking some of his bones in the process. After pulling Wendy out of the way, she made her way closer to the pilot and took him by the shoulders, before leaning in and staring straight into his empty sockets. “When I tell you to go in peace,” she said firmly, her voice barely audible over the growing roar of the crack, “it's not a suggestion, it's an order. You're dead, which means that right now I'm in charge of you, so be told and go in goddamn peace!”

With that, she kicked him one final time, hard in the chest, sending him slipping back into the crack of light until finally he disappeared from view. A moment later, the crack rippled and hissed before starting to close, and it was gone entirely by the time Hannah sighed, turned, and walked back over to pick up her notebook. Dusting the cover down, she slipped it into her pocket before glancing down at Wendy, who was shivering on the pavement and staring with wide-eyed shock at the spot where the crack had been just a moment before. The air around them was silent now, save for the sound of Wendy's chattering teeth.

“What's up?” Hannah asked, before leaning down and snapping her fingers in front of Wendy's face. “Hey, kid, you look like you've seen a ghost. What's wrong?” She paused, before sighing. “Oh. Right. Yeah, you
did
see a ghost.”

Chapter Nineteen

Today

“Why didn't you answer your phone?” Doctor Carrington asked as they sat in the hospital's interview room.

Staring at her hands, Alice was aware of the question but still couldn't bring herself to answer. In her mind, she was reliving the dead girl's stare over and over, focusing on the way her skull had been so badly broken that one of her eyes had been been forced up to one side of her forehead. There had been something in the girl's expression, too, that hinted at a kind of resentment, as if she was angry about being dead.

“Alice,” Doctor Carrington continued, “are you listening to me?”

She turned to him, but she found that when she wasn't thinking about the girl, she had no thoughts at all. It was as if her mind had been completely taken over.

“This is a set-back,” he added, making a note on the form he'd begun filling out a few minutes ago. “I'm sorry, but there are no two ways about it, this is the worst-case scenario in terms of your recovery. Alice, can you think of anything in particular that might have precipitated this public breakdown? I thought last time we spoke that you seemed fairly happy, fairly confident, but obviously I was wrong. Did something happen to knock you back?”

She swallowed hard. “The mall.”

“The mall?”

“I...” She paused. “Did you speak to them?”

He nodded, and it was clear from the look in his eyes that he knew all about the incident with the graffiti.

“So I'm fired, right?” she asked.

He paused, before nodding again. “It was decided that you shouldn't continue in that role. Obviously the pressure of going back out into the real world -”

“I didn't see the person who was with me,” she replied, interrupting him.

“The person in the video?”

“I don't know who she is,” she continued, with tears in her eyes, “I've never met anyone named Hannah, I...” She paused, thinking back to the extra bus tickets and the piece of wire that had been placed in the box in her room, and then the note that had been slid under her door. “Is it possible,” she said finally, taking a deep breath, “that I could have a friend, someone I spent time with, but somehow I've completely blanked her out of all my memories?”

“Have there been other instances where this has happened?”

“Just little things. Hints that someone was there, even though I don't remember anyone.” She paused. “It's like I'm alone and not alone at the same time. I know what the video shows, but there was no-one there with me!”

“The footage from Barton's Cross mall suggests otherwise, Alice.”

“But if there
was
someone and I can't remember her, then...” She paused for a moment, as she realized that there was no other possible explanation. “I'm crazy,” she whispered finally. “It's not going away, it's not ever going to end. Whatever's wrong with me, it's permanent. You might as well put me back in a padded cell and throw the key away, because there's nothing you can do. I'm not well.”

“Alice -”

“I can't go back out there,” she continued, leaning toward him as she started speaking much faster, almost stumbling over her words. “I might be dangerous! This could get worse, I could -”

“Alice, listen to me -”

“I don't want to hurt anyone,” she stammered. “Not again.”

“Again?” He stared at her for a moment.

“What if I
did
kill that police officer?” she asked. “What if the lack of memory and the confusion is just my mind's way of keeping the truth from me? I read about that kind of thing, it happens sometimes.”

“You don't really believe that.”

“I don't know what to believe anymore, but I can't trust my myself. I'm seeing people who aren't there, and not seeing people who apparently
are
there, and I'm forgetting people I've talked to...”

Her voice trailed off as she stared into space, as if she couldn't quite believe everything that had happened to her.

“How do I even know that
you're
here?” she asked. “I could be talking to myself!”

“Alice,” he replied calmly, “I think we need to revisit a decision we made a long time ago. I think we need to reconsider the use of hypnosis to see if we can recover memories from the night when all of this started.”

She shook her head.

“Alice -”

“No,” she said firmly, her voice trembling with fear. “I already told you -”

“And I listened,” he pointed out, “but I think the problems you're having now are rooted in the events of that night, and in your inability to recall exactly how you ended up with your mouth and eyes wired shut, and all the other things that happened to you. In the absence of those memories, your mind is going into overdrive and starting to fill in the gaps with wild speculation.” He paused. “I have experience in this field, I could conduct the therapy session myself, so you don't need to worry about having some stranger come in. I know continuity of care is important to you, but I hope you can trust me enough to let me try this.” He waited for her to reply. “It's the only option left that might help you.”

“You need to find Hannah,” she told him.

“All in due course.”

“If she's real,” Alice continued, “then you need to find her and bring her here and get her to explain what's happening.”

“What if she's just some ordinary girl you've befriended,” he replied, “and she has no idea that you've been blanking our your memories of her?”

“She's not an ordinary girl,” Alice continued, “she's...” Pausing, she felt as if some hidden realization was tugging at the edge of her thoughts, although she couldn't quite bring it into the light, not yet. “I think she knows,” she added finally. “I don't know why I think that, it's just deep down, an instinctive feeling. If you find Hannah, she can explain everything.”

He paused for a moment, staring at her. “Alice,” he said finally, with a sigh, “I agree with you that getting in touch with this Hannah woman would be extremely useful. However, it's clear that you have no contact details for her, so all I can do is leave a note on the door to your apartment asking her to contact me. I'm sure she'll get in touch eventually, but in the meantime I want you to think about the hypnosis angle.” He waited for her to reply. “You're scared, aren't you?”

“Of course I'm scared,” she replied. “I'm terrified.”

“You're scared of what you'll remember from that night,” he continued. “The night you were attacked, the night the police officer died. That's natural, healthy even, but you can't let fear hold you back.” He paused, waiting for a response. “It's held you back for ten years, Alice. You know I've always felt that you're subconsciously responsible for the barrier that's blocking out your memories. It's time to let go of that fear and let me help you remember.”

“What if I killed him?” she asked, as tears welled in her eyes.

“No-one believes that.”

“I'm starting to.”

“Then wouldn't you rather know? After ten years of not knowing, wouldn't you rather get to the bottom of it?”

Swallowing hard, she shook her head.

“So what's the alternative?” he asked. “Are you going to just be like this for the rest of your life, living in fear and running from the memories that are locked up somewhere in your mind?”

“What else can I do?”

“You can face them,” he told her. “Right now, we can find a quiet room and start the session immediately. You need to see if you can remember what happened to you on that night ten years ago, the night you were found in such a terrible state at your family's home. Maybe nothing will come of it, maybe the memories will be unreliable, but I think this is the only option that's available to us right now. Personally, I think it's the only option that might actually help you.”

She paused, staring at him with fear in her eyes. “Okay,” she said finally, her voice trembling with tension. “Fine. You're right, I can't live like this anymore. Let's do it.”

“Great. We -”

“Before I change my mind,” she added, close to tears. “Please. I need to know what's happening to me.”

Chapter Twenty

1941

“I do love it when I get to wrap everything up with a nice, neat little bow,” Hannah continued, as she made a few more notes in her diary. “Sometimes life is so ragged and untidy, but
sometimes
it comes together perfectly. Don't you think so?”

Sitting next to her, with her back against the wall, Wendy was staring at the night sky and shivering. Her eyes were still wide and if the sun had been up, the lack of color in her features would have been more apparent. All she could think about was the dead pilot, and the way he'd clawed at her while he was desperately trying to drag himself out of the crack. His bony fingers had dug into her flesh, ripping through her bandages and burns, but the pain seemed unimportant and distant right now. In her mind's eye, she could still see the skeletal face roaring at her.

“Of course,” Hannah added, “I still don't quite understand why he was so desperate to stay in this world and why he was willing to hurt you. The man was a true hero when he was alive, something about that part doesn't seem to fit, but I suppose I shouldn't obsess. The job's done.”

She held her right hand out and inspected it for a moment.

“I broke a nail,” she muttered with a frown. “Damn it.”

Turning her hand around, she examined it more closely.

“I should reward myself somehow,” she said suddenly, closing her diary and leaning back with a smile on her face. “Do you know how long it's been since I had a day off? We're talking years, maybe... Do you know, I don't think I actually
have
had a day off, not ever! I've been working non-stop ever since... Well, ever since I can remember.” She frowned. “Maybe I'm not
allowed
a day off. Maybe the most I can give myself is a nice lunch. No, that can't be right. Still, there's a lot to be said for a nice lunch.” She turned and looked down at Wendy. “You're being awfully quiet.”

Slowly, Wendy turned and looked up at her.

“Do you always look like that?” Hannah asked. “Sort of doughy and terrified...”

“I want to go home,” Wendy stammered.

“So you keep saying.”

“I want to find my mother.”

“She's dead.”

Wendy shook her head.

“She
is
,” Hannah continued. “You can deny it all you like, but you can't change the truth. She's as dead as can be. I mean, she was in a house that got crushed when a burning plane landed on it, I really don't think it's possible to get any more dead than that. Do you want me to go into graphic detail about her injuries? I could, you know.” She waited for a reply. “Don't worry, though, there's a lot more to life than just running home to Mummy when things get tough. In a way, the universe has done you a favor. Now you're an orphan, you're not going to be dragged down by family commitments. No birthdays to worry about, no big Christmas parties, no-one to visit when they end up in a nursing home.” She nudged Wendy's arm. “You're free! Isn't that great?”

“I want to go home,” Wendy said again.

“Well, you can't.”

Sniffing back tears, Wendy took a deep breath as she tried to stay at least somewhat calm.

“I suppose it's not all fun, though,” Hannah added. “I imagine there's just a little bit of you that's scared now you're an orphan, huh?”

“I don't know where to go.”

“How old are you, again?”

“Nine.”

“That's not very old.”

“I don't want to go back to the nuns.”

“Nuns?” Hannah frowned. “Well, no, I don't suppose you do, that doesn't sound good at all. You really
are
stuck, aren't you?”

Wendy nodded.

“Well...” Pausing for a moment, Hannah finally tucked her diary and pen away before getting to her feet. “Well, I'm sure you'll figure something out. You seem very resourceful.”

“Are you leaving?”

“I've got things to do, kid. I deal with dead people, not live ones, so my work here is done. Thanks for the help on this one, it would have taken me slightly longer to track down that pilot without you.” She reached down to shake Wendy's hand. “I usually work alone, but you were far less annoying than most people, so I didn't mind having you along this time. Not too much, anyway.”

Cautiously, Wendy reached out and shook Hannah's hand.

“I think it's going to rain soon,” Hannah told her. “Best get undercover before then. There are some arches under one of the train bridges down by the river, just half a mile away or so, and the hobos in that part of town seem less murderous than average. If I were you, I'd head down there and take few hours to come up with a plan. You seem smart and tough, I'm sure you'll be fine.” She paused for a moment, as if she was waiting for Wendy to say something. “Well, good luck,” she added finally, and with that she turned and began to walk away.

“Wait!” Wendy called after her, scrambling to her feet.

Hannah turned.

“I...” Wendy swallowed hard. “Can I come with you?”

“Where to?”

“Wherever you're going.”

“You don't know where I'm going.”

“But you're going
somewhere
,” Wendy pointed out, as the first spots of rain began to fall. “That's better than...” Her voice trailed off for a moment. “It's better than nowhere.”

“I told you,” Hannah replied, “I work alone.”

“I know, but -”

“And I travel alone, and I try not to pick up strays along the way. Trust me, my way of life wouldn't suit you, you wouldn't be able to keep up.”

“Why not?”

“You just wouldn't, kid. Trust me.”

“But what do you do?” Wendy asked. “Where do you live?”

“You've seen what I do. Part of it, anyway. And I live... wherever. I'm very good at blagging my way into people's homes when I need a nice bed for the night, but mostly I just walk. I don't need much sleep.”

Wendy frowned. “Are you an orphan too?”

At this, Hannah paused. “It's complicated.”

“But can't I come and stay with you? At least for a little while?”

Sighing, Hannah crouched in front of her, looking deep into her eyes. “You're a tough nut,” she continued. “You're obviously smarter than the average bear, and that's good, but we're talking night and day differences here. What you saw just now, with Squadron Leader Dickie Cathcart, was just the tip of the iceberg. It was a breeze, compared to the kind of thing I do most days. It was literally the easiest assignment I've had in years.” She paused. “Have you ever seen a real old London cemetery?”

Wendy nodded.

“And have you ever noticed how the gravestones aren't neat in a line? How they're all higgeldy-piggledy and crooked, with bits knocked out of them?”

Wendy nodded again.

“And have you seen how the ground itself is usually all dented and uneven?”

Another nod.

“Well that's not how they're supposed to be,” Hannah continued. “It's just that sometimes, people like me, we have to get tough with certain ghosts and demons, and we end up causing a lot of damage. That's why London cemeteries often look like a battle has taken place in them.” A faint smile crossed her lips. “Because often, a battle
has
taken place in them, just out of sight of anyone who might notice.”

“But -”

“I could wipe your memory,” she added. “I'd rather not. I like you, and I like the idea of you being out there, remembering me, but... If it's going to be too difficult, I can wipe your memory of the past few hours. You won't remember hanging out with me at all. Would you like me to do that?”

Wendy thought about it for a moment, before shaking her head.

“Are you sure?” Hannah asked. “It might be easier for you. Wouldn't want you cracking up, would we?”

“I don't want to forget,” Wendy replied.

“Well you'd better not tell anyone about me,” Hannah said, getting to her feet and patting the top of the little girl's head, “because that's grounds for having your memory wiped too. I could come back, you know, and get you while you're sleeping.”

“But if I came with you -”

“Not going to happen,” Hannah replied, taking a step back. “Good luck, kid. You're going to need it, but I also think you'll be fine. You're tougher than you look, which is good 'cause you don't look tough at all. Take care.”

Wendy watched as Hannah walked away, disappearing into the shadows.

“Wait!” she called out finally, running to catch up but finding that Hannah was already gone. Looking all around, she waited for some hint of movement, but there was nothing. It was as if Hannah had vanished into thin air, leaving Wendy all alone on the dark street, with rain falling more steadily now and several hours still to go before dawn.