Authors: Ayden K. Morgen
"Being an adult sucks," she mutters into the silence.
"Yeah, it does," I whisper. "Remember when we couldn't wait to grow up?"
"We were naïve. I never thought I'd miss being a teenager."
"Me either. But it was easier, wasn't it?" Even though my mom abandoned me and hers died suddenly, being a teenager wasn't nearly this hard. Or maybe we were just more optimistic, more hopeful that there was a reason, an explanation for all the bad and painful things we had to endure.
God, that seems so long ago.
My mom… Where is she? Does she ever think about me? Miss me?
I quickly push the thought away. I don't want to think about her. Not now. Not ever. I was her throwaway child. I wish I could forget that as easily as she forgot me.
"What do you think about Lexi and Jared?" Kit blurts out suddenly.
I stare at her, unsure what she means.
"There's something off about them."
"What do you mean?"
Kit frowns, thinking. "He's been living here for months, but they don't share a room. I haven't ever walked in on them kissing or cuddling. In fact, I don't think I've ever even seen them touch each other unless someone else is around or she's crying. Isn't that strange? I mean, he's gorgeous. If I was Lexi, I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of him."
"I'm sure it's just stress," I offer weakly, the thought of putting my hands all over Jared making my heart race.
"Yeah, you're probably right."
We both lapse into silence again.
I try desperately not to think about what she just said. I don't need a reason to question what's going on between Jared and Lexi. If I start down that road… I'm not so sure I'll be able to pull myself off of it. And that won't end well for anyone.
As we sit there lost in our own thoughts, the front door opens.
"Jared, just drop it," Lexi hisses over the beep of the alarm. "I said no, and I don't want to talk about it anymore. I want to go to bed."
Kit and I look at each other with matching surprised expressions.
Lexi's heels click across the foyer toward the stairs. She glances in our direction, waves once, and storms up the stairs without another word, her face set in angry, stubborn lines.
"Dammit, Lex." Jared shuts the front door. The alarm beeps again and he punches the code in before turning back to the stairs just in time to see Lexi disappearing at the top. "Fuck," he mutters and closes his eyes for a minute, obviously trying to rein in his temper.
"Everything okay?" Kit asks him.
"What?" He cracks his eyes open. "Oh… fine." He rakes a hand roughly through his hair, glances around the room at the girls' night paraphernalia scattered around, and then cocks a brow at us. His stiff stance doesn't waver. "Have fun?"
"Yeah," Kit answers.
I'm too busy trying not to stare at him and failing miserably to say anything. He's wearing a tuxedo, complete with a bowtie that matches the color of his eyes. His hair is all over the place, his jaw scruffy. Good grief, he's breathtaking.
He looks at me, and for the first time in a week, our eyes connect. Warmth rushes through me, threatening to steal my breath.
I jerk my gaze away to stare a hole in the floor at his feet.
My heart pounds, and I know that no amount of talking to myself is going to stop this.
Why him? Why now?
God, why
me
?
And I know it's not just me. The way he stares at me… No, it's not just me caught in whatever this is. That doesn't make the guilt any less bitter to swallow. All I want is for the wavering lines between us to solidify. I
need
them to solidify, and they aren't.
What's wrong with me?
"I think I'm going to head to bed," I murmur to Kit, dying to escape before I do something monumentally stupid. Simply being in the same room with him after avoiding him all week is too much.
"Yeah, me too," Kits says, pushing up from the sofa.
She offers me her hand and I smile gratefully, allowing her to help pull me to my feet. My back has healed nicely, but getting up and down is still sometimes difficult. I'm beginning to think it always will be.
Pushing the thought away, I quietly wish Kit good luck telling Lexi and Maddi what she's decided about school. I know it's going to be difficult for them, but they won't hold it against her. It's been nearly a month since Matthew passed. She needs to get out and face the world.
And when are you going to go out and face the world?
a little voice in the back of my mind asks me.
It's a valid question. One I don't know how to answer.
Kit hugs me tight before breaking away.
"I'll walk you, Savannah," Jared offers then.
I whip my head in his direction, only to find him still staring off into the distance. But he pushes away from the wall and steps toward me.
What happened between him and Lexi tonight?
"Thanks, Jared," Kit says and starts gathering up the magazines spread across the family room. "I'll send Maddi up to bed."
Jared's head turns in my direction and I quickly avert my gaze, deciding that whatever happened with him and Lexi isn't my business. It's between them. Them. Him and Lexi.
How many times am I going to have to chant that same phrase before it sinks in? How long am I going to have to avoid him before guilt stops smothering me every time I catch a flash of him?
"Ah, no thanks," I murmur, avoiding actually looking at him again. The last thing I need is to get caught up in his gaze with Kit standing right here. And I'm not foolish enough to believe it won't happen, not when I can feel his eyes on me. "You don't have to do that."
"I insist," he says as I shuffle my feet.
The urge to duck past him and make a run for it pulses so hard, my knees actually tremble.
"No, I–" I flounder for a reason, any reason, to keep him here.
"Sav, it's after midnight," Kit interrupts before I can think of a single excuse. "Let him walk you to the guesthouse."
Him and Lexi.
What's going on between them?
I risk a glance at him just as he lifts his gaze to me. I'm instantly sucked into jade green just like I knew I would be. The urge to reach out and touch him flares hard, and I have to curl my hands into fists to keep from following through. His gaze roves over my face as if he's searching for something.
I can't help but notice the way he visibly relaxes now that his eyes are on me. I also can't help but notice that I'm suddenly more relaxed too, as if that thing that's been missing for the last week is suddenly within reach again. Warmth, safety… I don't know what it is, but it's there nonetheless.
I also feel that same current. The one that causes my heart to thunder in my chest and my skin to hum.
This is so not good.
He swallows hard and takes a step back as if he knows exactly what I'm going through.
I tear my gaze away from him again and shiver when the little bubble around the two of us pops. I hurriedly look to Kit, who's still gathering up magazines, completely oblivious to whatever that was.
Guilt hits me hard as I watch her move around the room. She's a smaller replica of Lexi, petite and curvy where Lexi's thin and willowy.
God, please
, I pray. I'm not even sure I believe in God, and he's never answered any of my prayers before. Why would tonight be any different?
"I'll see you tomorrow," I murmur to Kit and all but flee the room. I don't even spare another glance at Jared. I can't. It's just too much. Everything about him is too much for me. And I am so very screwed.
"Savannah, wait," he calls, grabbing my arm when I fling the front door open and step out. He pulls the door closed behind us before releasing me.
I immediately start walking again. My heart races and my left eye does that twitching thing it does when I'm about to cry. I just want to be away from him, away from me, away from wanting things I have no right to want from him.
He doesn't take the hint though and jogs down the steps after me.
"Jared, please," I whisper when he catches up to me. The wind is blowing hard, another storm moving in. I wish it would just blow me away. I could live in Oz with Dorothy and Toto. Adventures. Munchkins. Yeah, I could do that. "Let me go. Please, just let me go."
I'm not sure if I'm pleading with Jared or if I'm begging God to sweep me away with the wind, but neither listens to me.
"Savannah, stop," Jared says, grabbing my arm again.
I jerk to a stop, flinching away from him and the shock of his skin on mine. He takes my reaction for fear and immediately lets me go. Regret and guilt dance through his expression, wrecking me.
Tears start trickling down my cheeks.
I'm so tired.
I'm tired of barely sleeping.
I'm tired of avoiding him.
I'm tired of feeling guilty.
I'm just
tired
.
"Savannah," he breathes, his eyes widening when he notices my tears. He lifts his hand and it hovers in the air between us as if he can't decide if he should touch me again or not.
I sniffle.
He reaches out and grabs me instantly, pulling me in to him. And I go. Willingly.
My head nestles into the hard warmth of his chest. He wraps his arms around me, his head settling atop mine. For a minute, everything is perfect. All the guilt and doubts and self-loathing vanish, and it's just me and him. We both sigh in relief, in regret… and then I start crying in earnest.
"Shh, beautiful girl," he croons, running his hands up and down my back.
His touch is gentle, soothing, complete perfection. And so wrong.
Everything is just so wrong with this.
"Let me go," I cry and try to push away from him.
He shushes me again, refusing to let me pull away.
It doesn't scare me, but I fight harder.
I can't do this with him. I can't.
"You're okay," he soothes and I realize that I'm saying it out loud. Crying over and over again that I can't do this.
A sob catches in my throat and I slump against him, defeated.
"You're okay," he says again, rocking us back and forth.
For just a minute, I let myself believe him. I sink into his embrace. His warmth surrounds me. His heart hammers against mine. He smells so good, and I feel so safe, so secure.
"Why does this feel so right?"
I'm not sure if I'm even meant to hear his question, but I do. And I have no answer.
For just a minute, I don't want one. I just want… him.
Oh God, what am I doing?
Chapter Seven: Goodnight
On the heels of that admission to myself, my mind begins to race a thousand miles a minute. It's shooting off in every direction. Questions, doubts, and scenarios pile one atop the other like some horrific traffic accident on I-80. Oddly though, it's all distant clamoring. Echoes of echoes and nothing more.
The only thing I'm focused on is Jared's breathing as he inhales and then exhales again. Inhales and exhales. Each time, tendrils of hair fan away from my face and then back again. His eyes are locked on mine… jade green searching for something. A reason. An answer. An explanation.
None of which I have to give him.
I start to pull away.
"Don't."
The way he says this isn't a demand, but a plea. Don't is the only word that leaves his lips, but I find myself freezing, my hands at his sides where I'd lifted them to push myself away. I can almost hear the words he didn't say:
Please, don't stop this yet.
I know it's wrong. I know I'll regret it. Hell, I'm fairly certain
he'll
regret it. But I nod once and press closer.
The tension pouring from him vanishes. He takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly.
Jade green is still locked on me, drawing me in to utter madness.
I can't find the willpower to stop it.
We stand there for the longest, not saying a word. We're just staring. Memorizing. The little scar by his lip. The way his eyes sparkle beneath the lights lining the walkway. The little piece of hair on top of his head that stands straight up and waves to and fro with each shift of wind. He truly is beautiful.
"I have to ask you something," he says suddenly.
The hand I didn't even realize I'd lifted toward his face drops at the sound of his voice. I open my mouth. Close it. Open it again. I finally give up on speech and just nod. I seem to be doing a lot of that lately.
"Do you love him?" he asks after a moment. His expression is the most serious I've ever seen. It all but scorches me as he waits for an answer, focused solely on me.
And for a minute, I'm completely lost.
Do I love who?
I wonder. And then realization dawns.