All Falls Down (8 page)

Before I can say anything, he's storming back into the bedroom. The door slams behind him so hard, I jump.

"
Goddammit!" I hear him yell from the other side of the wall.

A single tear rolls down my cheek.

"
I'm sorry," I whisper, though I'm not sure if I'm apologizing to him… or to me.

I thrust the memory away with a heavy sigh and swipe at my tears. I'm so tired of crying, but I still do it. I'm not even sure why because I know with absolute certainty that Toby's not worth crying over. I think I've known that for most of the last two years, and yet… I stayed.

I don't know why, and I hate that. I hate that I was that girl, that I believed him, listened to him, and let him win. I hate that I don't have a reason for any of it. I stopped loving him a long time ago if I ever loved him at all, but I still let it happen. I still stayed and let him treat me like that. That's the real reason I cry, I think.

I let him turn me into a coward.

I sigh again and step beneath the spray of the shower. The warm water washes my tears away when I turn my face upward, but the questions aren't so easily scrubbed away.

Why?

I want an answer.

An hour later, I'm still trying to sort it out, and I've given up on hiding out inside. My thoughts are heavy and I need fresh air. I curl up on the railing again and allow my mind to run away with me. There are so many questions. I don't even know where to begin finding answers.

"Here."

I jump and cry out as a small box lands in my lap.

"Shit," Jared curses when I start to topple backward over the railing.

He grabs me around the waist and yanks me forward before I can go over. A painful cry bursts from my lips the instant his fingers dig into the bruises still healing all across my back. The box falls to the floor of the porch with a 
thud.

Jared plucks me up as if I'm a ragdoll and sets me on my feet. As soon as they touch the floorboards beneath me, he releases me, snatching his hands back like if I've burned him.

"I'm sorry," he says.

Closing my eyes, I shake my head, waiting for the fog of pain to recede slightly so I can speak. It takes a moment for the intense throb to ease off into a dull ache.

Jared's staring at me when I finally manage to look at him, his beautiful eyes clouded with concern.

"What's wrong?"

The question isn't a demand this time, and I can't find the will to brush him off again. I'm so tired of trying to sort everything out by myself, so tired of keeping my wounds and scars hidden from everyone. Of trying to deal with this alone and making no progress.

"I had surgery a few weeks ago," I whisper and shuffle a few steps away from him. Turning my back to him, I lift the hem of my shirt so he can see and hold my breath. The bruises have faded, but the ugly green color is awful. So are the jagged, red scars.

A shocked hiss echoes across the porch.

My cheeks flame when his big hands brush across my bare skin.

I pull my shirt down and move away quickly, my heart pounding.

"I fell," I mumble, desperate to focus on anything other than the heat of his hands on my body.

"You fell." It's not a question and he doesn't sound happy.

"In glass. It went through my back and pierced my kidney." I stop talking, unsure why I've said so much.

He's quiet, and I can't force myself to turn around and face him again. I'm not sure what I'll find if I do.

I want to slip through the front door and pretend that I've said nothing.

I want him to say… something.

"There's a phone in the box for you," he says as if on cue.

I immediately regret wanting him to speak. His voice is low, angry. I hear his heavy steps retreating. Once again, I have to fight the urge to apologize.

He stops walking.

"Your 
boyfriend
 should be in jail for what he did to you, Savannah. You didn't deserve it."

I gasp and spin around, only to find him stalking across the yard with his shoulders hunched. His long stride is furious, his muscles tense. His hands are clenched into fists.

Oh, God.

He knows about Toby.

I've never been more humiliated in my life.

By the time I work up the nerve to go to the main house to check on the girls, it's dark. I creep along the trail connecting the guesthouse to the mansion slowly, dreading walking through the door and coming face to face with Jared again.

He knows about Toby. He knows I stayed.

I'm so angry with myself suddenly, I just want to scream.

The instant I step through the front doors, I hear his voice coming from the kitchen.

It's raised, angry.

"You should have told me about this!"

"It's not your business, Jared," Lexis snaps right back at him. "Do you really think she wanted everyone to know what happened to her?"

I know immediately that they're talking about me. I inch back toward the door, mortified all over again.

"Have you seen what he did to her?" Jared demands. "Good God, Lexi, he could have killed her." He sounds horrified, and so angry.

"It's not your business," Lexi says again.

"The hell it isn't," he snarls. "You call her family, but you just left her there and let it happen! Someone needs to give a damn what happens to her, and it's obvious you don't."

Lexi's shocked gasp mirrors my own.

No. Oh, no.

I stumble on wooden legs toward the sound of their voices. I'm numb, horrified that they're fighting because of me. I have to stop it.

My stomach roils in rebellion, but I keep going.

They both turn to look at me when I step into the kitchen.

Tears run down Lexi's face. Jared's jaw is clenched tight.

I cringe away from the sheer fury on his face, but I don't run. I can't this time.

"It's not her fault," I say, barely managing to avoid choking on the words. "I lied to everyone. Don't blame her."

"Savannah." Lexi's face falls further.

Jared closes his eyes, swearing softly.

"I didn't want anyone to know that I… let him treat me like that," I continue, and then motion toward my back. "And he didn't do this to me." I'm trying to get the words out before I fall apart. They sound thick, garbled. I don't care. I just want to be elsewhere. Soon. "I walked in on him and my friend in bed together. I dropped the vase I was carrying and slipped in the water. He took me to the hospital…." I leave out the part about him yelling at me. I'm ashamed enough about what I've allowed him to do to me without putting it all out there. "It was bad, but he didn't do it. I did it to myself. I stayed."

"Oh, Savannah, no." Fresh tears make tracks down Lexi's cheeks.

"So please don't fight over me," I whisper the rest of what I need to say.

Jared still won't meet my gaze and I feel bad. Just bad about everything.

"I'm sorry." My voice cracks on the apology.

Jared's eyes spring open. They're so green, so angry… so remorseful.

An ache begins in my chest, crushing the breath from my lungs.

I turn and flee.

Lexi calls my name, but I don't stop. I just keep going. Out the front door, across the yard, and into the guesthouse. I don't cry when I get there.

I just sit and think for hours.

When I finally step outside again, Jared's waiting on the porch. I think he has been most of the night.

He jumps to his feet, regret stamped across his face. "Savannah, I–"

I hold up my hand to stop him.

"I don't know why I stayed," I say when he snaps his mouth closed. My voice is a monotone, but it's all I have to offer him right now. "I just did. I don't have a reason. I don't have an explanation. It's not Lexi's fault. It's not Matthew's fault, or Kit's fault, or anyone else's fault either. Please don't blame them, okay?"

He nods reluctantly and I sigh, a weight lifting from my shoulders.

"It's not your fault either," he says. His voice isn't soft or quiet, or loud or accusatory. It just is.

I sigh again and make my way to the swing, not responding.

Jared leans back against the railing, watching me. His expression is wary, careful.

"I don't know how I let it get so bad."

"You were scared," he offers.

"I was naïve," I correct and glance up at him. I'm so tired of running from this. Eventually, I have to deal with it. "When we got to Italy, he'd yell and be an ass and then he'd be so sweet. I kept convincing myself it'd get better. I just had to be patient, try harder."

Jared's jaw clenches but he stays silent.

"I kept hoping that it'd get better." I shake my head in disbelief. Why did I ever believe that? I've had so much time to think in the last few weeks and I can't understand why I ever thought that. It was so obvious that it wasn't going to change. That
he
wasn't going to change. Even after I knew that, I kept hoping. "I was so stupid."

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Jared asks, and he looks like he's really trying to understand.

"I didn't want them to know. I didn't–" I break off and try again. "You belong in this world. So do Lexi, Kit, and Maddi. I don't. I was only ever part of your world because my mother abandoned me and Matthew was too kind to toss me out."

"That's not true," Jared argues. "Matthew adored you."

"That doesn't excuse the fact that I wasn't his responsibility. He and Caitlyn took me in because that's the kind of people they were. He was proud of me. How–" I have to clear my throat before I can continue. "How was I supposed to tell him that there was nothing to be proud of? That I let someone treat me how Toby treated me? That I kept letting him hurt me over and over again? How was I supposed to ask Matthew to rescue me again when
I
was the one who decided to go with Toby? When I wasn't his responsibility?"

Jared's expression softens and he steps toward me.

The tears I didn't shed earlier creep up on me. I try desperately to fight them back.

"I was ashamed, Jared. I'm still ashamed." The last word is little more than a whisper, but he hears it.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of, Savannah," he whispers and quickly reaches out to wipe away the tear sliding down my cheek. "
Nothing.
What Toby did to you isn't your fault."

The heat of Jared's skin on mine does something to me, shakes me to the core, ripping away the quasi-numbness I've tried desperately to cling to since he saw my scars. The way he says it wasn't my fault with such fierce certainty makes the tears fall faster. I want so badly to believe him, to forgive myself.

He sits beside me on the swing, so close the heat of his body sears into me. He doesn't touch me or say anything, but he doesn't leave my side until the tears dry up and my head droops with exhaustion.

"I'm sorry," he says then. "I seem to say that to you a lot."