All Falls Down (22 page)

"Oh," I say, blinking up at Jared. My heart lurches a little in my chest before settling down again. I don't know why his announcement takes me by surprise. It's not like I didn't know it was coming eventually. "I'll stay with Maddi," I mumble.

"That's not why I'm telling you, beautiful girl," he says, squinting at me.

"Where are you going?" I ask, striving for calm.

"A board function." He squeezes his eyes closed for a minute, pinches the bridge of his nose. "Stephan and his wife are expecting their third child."

"Oh," I say again. It's tradition at T.I. for the board to host a small dinner in honor of the expecting couple. It's always been a nice tradition, but this time my stomach clenches at the thought. I'm unable to forget for even a minute that someone on the board may be trying to kill Lexi. That someone on the board already murdered Matthew.

"Is it safe?"

"Yes."

I stare at him for a minute, not sure if he really means that or if he's just telling me what he thinks I need to hear. I'm honestly not sure I want to know which it is. I don't know exactly what an FBI agent does, but I know enough about what
Jared
does to know that it's not always safe. He doesn't always sit behind a desk, pretending to enjoy whatever position he's been forced to assume.

"Please be careful," I finally whisper, burying my hands in my pockets so I don't reach out to him.

His expression softens as he gazes down at me, his lips turning up at the corners. With the sun behind him, his eyes seem even more green than usual. They're brilliant spots of jade in a backdrop of orange and blue. "We won't be gone long, and Chris will be here with you and Maddi. I want you to stay with him until we get back."

I know he told Chris about me, but we haven't spoken more than a word or two to each other the entire time I've been here. I've honestly been a little scared to try to start a conversation with him since Jared told him the truth. What if he's angry? What if he hates me? A little voice in the back of my mind asks "what if he's like Toby?" but I push that thought away, refusing to even consider it.

I open my mouth to ask Jared if staying with his brother is really a good idea.

"Please," he says before I can say anything, "I need to know you're safe."

I close my mouth again and bob my head. My gaze shifts toward Chris. He's so big, nothing but rock solid muscle and towering height. His eyes meet mine for a minute, but he doesn't say anything. He just holds my gaze for a second and then inclines his head.

The move doesn't settle my stomach any.

"Hey, Lexi," I murmur early that evening when I spot her sitting in the conservatory, staring blankly out the window. She's wearing a gorgeous blue top and slacks, with her hair is piled up on top of her head in soft curls again. Her make-up is perfect, but she looks like hell. She has her legs drawn up, her chin on her knees with her arms wrapped tightly around her legs.

For the thousandth time, I try to put myself in her place, and I can't.

I cannot imagine how overwhelming it must be to suddenly become responsible for a global non-profit and an eleven-year-old child at the age of twenty-four… all while trying to keep anyone from knowing that something sinister bubbles right below the surface.

Despite having every reason in the world to be a broken heap in the middle of the floor, she's still standing. I've never had the inner strength and confidence to fight back how she does. Life's always just kind of tossed me around exactly like a buoy.

"Hey," Lexi whispers after a moment, turning her head in my direction. She scoots over in the window seat a little, making room for me. "Sit with me," she says before turning back to the window.

I cross the room and ease down next to her.

"She'll be okay," I tell her when I spot what holds her attention.

Maddi's on the swing again, twisting back and forth. She looks so sad with her shoulders hunched and her lips pulled down into a sad frown.

"She's going back to school on Monday. I told her today."

"Oh."

I can only imagine how that conversation went down.

"She'll forgive you for it," I tell Lexi.

"I hope so," she sighs and presses her forehead to the glass. "I'd keep her here if I could, but she's been out for over a month now. I have to go back to work." The glass makes a screeching sound as she moves her head back and forth against it. "God, Savannah, how did you do it for so long?"

"Do what?" I ask, mystified.

She leans away from the window again when Chris appears, prompting Maddi to stand up and walk toward him. Blowing a stray curl out of her face, Lexi waves her hand around. "This. Life. Hold it together. You went off on your own to a foreign country at nineteen with that jerk, and you held it together. Even with everything he put you through, you never asked for help. You dealt with everything he threw at you and came out the other side whole. How?"

"I didn't," I answer, glancing down at my lap.

The hem of my shorts is frayed. I focus on that.

"What do you mean?"

I think for a minute. "I mean that I didn't live. I didn't deal with it. I didn't come out the other side whole. I just pretended it wasn't really happening to me." My laugh is bitter, humorless. "Until I walked in on him and my friend, I couldn't even admit to myself that the way he treated me was seriously wrong. I was a coward, and in the end, I got burned for it. Pretending doesn't make the problem go away. It doesn't make it hurt any less. It just means that when the pieces fall, you're too messed up to figure out how to put them back together again."

I hate that she's searching for answers in my life. There are no answers there. There's just heartache and grief, and so many mistakes, I can't breathe beneath the weight of them most of the time.

Lexi deserves more than that.

"You don't want that kind of life," I tell her, so certain of this fact, my voice shakes. "It may seem easier to just pretend, but the truth is that it's hell. Every day, it's hell. You lose a little bit more of yourself every time you put on that fake smile and pretend that you're okay and can do it all alone. No one can. And in the end, you will hate yourself for it. I know I do."

She's quiet for a minute before she loops an arm through mine and squeezes.

"I know you're right. I just feel as if I'm already losing myself. I have to be a CEO and a mom to Maddi and Kit. I don't know how to do that without Daddy."

"We help you do it," I tell her, beyond relieved to know she doesn't really think I'm some example to live by. "It doesn't make you weak to need help. It makes you human. Take it from me, you don't want to wake up one day and realize that you're alone and you let it happen."

"Do you hate Toby for what he did to you?" she asks me after a minute.

Do I hate him?

"I don't know." And I really don't. I don't love him. I don't miss him. And I certainly hate the things he said and did. The way he called me frigid and said it was my fault he turned to Laney. The way he treated me and the way I felt about myself with him… the way I feel about myself now. How he screamed and threw things or ignored me. I hate the things he wanted me to do for him in bed, and the way I felt afterward. I hate all of that, and I hate myself for letting it happen. But do I hate
him
?

I honestly don't know.

I think more than angry or outraged, I'm relieved. That he's gone, that I don't have to deal with him anymore… that I can be a better person now. That no one's going to scream and throw things at me. Or hurt me over and over.

Is that normal? Should there be some other emotion?

I don't know those answers either.

"Would it make it easier if you did?" Lexi asks.

"I don't know," I say honestly. "I felt small and weak with Toby. The thought of living the rest of my life hating him makes me feel microscopic. I don't want him to have that kind of power over me anymore. I just have to figure out how to take it away from him for good."

Lexi smiles at me, pride shining in her eyes. "You'll move on and leave him far behind."

"I hope so," I whisper, wanting nothing more than to be free entirely. God… I don't even remember what freedom truly means, but I want it so badly I can taste it. "I think–" I swallow. "I think I want that more than anything else. To be happy. To be free."

"Oh, Savannah." Lexi throws her arms around me, squeezing me hard. "You will be. I know it."

We're still locked in a tight hug when Jared clears his throat.

"We need to leave soon," he says softly, his gaze darting between the two of us.

I sit back, guilt pumping through me when my heart rate increases at the sight of him. He's in a three-piece suit and I just want to press myself against his chest and breathe him in.

"If Maddi needs anything–"

"She'll be fine," I promise, hating the guilty look on Lexi's face. She's allowed to leave Maddi for a few hours. "I heard Chris challenge her to a Mario Kart tournament earlier."

"Oh, lord," Lexi mutters just as Jared groans, "Not again."

Lexi actually laughs.

"You may need a whistle," Jared tells me when I glance between the two of them, not sure what the big deal is. "They both cheat."

"Oh." I try to imagine Chris cheating at Mario Kart, but I can't. He seems so frightening to me. And I'm not sure if that's because he knows about me and Jared or if it's because he's just that big. The sheer size of him overwhelms me, and I hate how weak I feel because of it.

"I need to use the ladies room before we go."

"Try to have fun tonight," I murmur when Lexi rises to her feet and hurries across the conservatory, tugging her clothes into place.

Jared and I stand there until her footsteps recede, and then he steps closer. "You okay, beautiful girl?" he asks, reaching out to stroke my cheek.

"Just girl talk," I tell him, nuzzling into his hand.

"I'll miss you tonight."

"You too." I allow him to lift me to my feet. "Be safe."

"Always."

He leans down, his mouth meeting mine.

"Wait for me," he says against my lips.

I press myself closer when he deepens the kiss, my arms going around him to keep him there. For long minutes, we kiss deeply, only breaking apart long enough to catch a breath before starting again. I'm drowning in him again, desperate for his kisses. They're all hard heat and soft lips. I can't get enough.

And then Chris clears his throat from the doorway.

I jump away from Jared.

My eyes meet Chris's over Jared's shoulder and I just want to sink through the floor. I can't believe he caught us kissing here! It could have been Madeline, or Lexi, or anyone.

"Breathe, beautiful girl," Jared whispers before turning to face Chris.

I take a breath, my gaze locked on the floor at his feet. My cheeks flame. Shame and mortification threaten to crush me. No one says a word for a long time. All I hear is the pounding of my heart, and I'm certain Chris is going to yell at both of us for being so careless and stupid with something so monumentally important.

This isn't a game, and there is no excuse for forgetting that for even a moment.

He doesn't yell though. Instead he says, "I was coming to see if you want to play video games with me and Mad, Savannah. She cheats, so I need back up."

My gaze shoots up to his face again.

He offers me a tentative smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

I'm not sure what that means or what to say, so I just stand there, staring.

"She'll be there in a minute," Jared finally answers for me.

"Cool." Chris shoots me another smile and then ducks out of the room.

My shoulders slump as he disappears around the corner.

I sink back down to the window seat and suck in a deep breath and then another.

"Hey, it's okay," Jared says, trying to calm me. He doesn't touch me again though. "Chris isn't angry with you, beautiful girl."

"We shouldn't – We can't – I don't want–" My thoughts race and I can't put them into coherent sentences. Someone else could have walked in. Just that easily, Jared's cover would have been blown, and it would have been my fault.