All Falls Down (23 page)

He seems to know what I'm saying even though I can't get the words out.

"I know," he whispers. "And I'm sorry. I just had to kiss you."

"Me too," I manage to say. It's so easy to forget what's at stake when he's near me. All I want to do is touch him. And that can't happen.

He sighs when Lexi calls his name from the front of the house. "Will you be okay?" he asks me.

I nod, not sure I'm being honest.

"We'll be back as soon as we can." He turns on his heel, takes two steps, and then stops. He just stands there for a second before spinning around again. Crossing back to me, he scoops me up into his arms and hugs me hard. "Everything will be okay," he says, pressing his lips to mine again. "I promise you that it will."

Before I can react, he strides away.

I watch him leave, still shaking.

By the time I work up the nerve to face Chris again, Jared's been gone for half an hour. My legs tremble beneath me. I want to crawl back to the guesthouse and hide out. But I find some hidden vein of courage and make my way to the family room instead.

As promised, Chris and Madeline are locked in a fierce Mario Kart battle. I think they may actually be more focused on each other than on the game though. Chris holds his controller over his head while Maddi jumps for it. They're both laughing and shouting at each other.

Neither the Princess nor Donkey Kong makes much progress on the massive flat screen. They're both spinning aimlessly in their little go-carts, waiting for Chris and Maddi to tell them what to do. Chris is a lot less scary with Maddi trying to crawl up his leg to steal his controller.

He seems kind of awesome, actually. What Kit and I always thought having a big brother would be like.

"Who's winning?" I ask, swallowing down another bout of nerves.

They both turn at the sound of my voice.

Chris's eyes lock with mine again, and I hold my breath, not sure what to expect now that Jared isn't here for me to hide behind. Again though, Chris doesn't say anything. He just peers at me until Madeline jumps up on his back and grabs the controller out of his hand.

"Ha!" she shouts triumphantly.

Chris blinks and the staring contest ends. "You little cheater!" he yells, grabbing her around the waist before she can make a run for it with his controller in hand.

She squeals and tosses it in my direction when he lifts her off the ground.

I somehow manage to catch it and just stand there, gaping.

"Run, Savannah!" she cries, barely able to force the words out through her laughter. She's holding her controller against her stomach as Chris alternates between tickling her and trying to steal it from her.

I look between the two of them, not sure if I should run or not.

He tosses her playfully onto the couch.

"You are going down for that one, half pint," he warns her, grinning. He straightens, cocking a brow at me.

"I ran track in high school," I warn him, edging away.

"Awesome," he says. "If you give me the controller, I won't make you prove it."

"Don't do it, Savannah!" Maddi cries. I see her sit up out of the corner of my eye and the Princess takes off on the flat screen. "He cheats!"

"You're the one who stole my controller!" he declares indignantly before turning back to me. "Come on, Savannah. Who are you going to believe? Me or the demon child?"

"I'm not a demon or a child," Madeline retorts. Her serious tone is broken by a victorious cry when the Princess suddenly gains speed on the screen. "You're losing, Chris!" she laughs.

This time, he huffs and then he winks at me. "Not for long," he says and reaches over.

"Noooo!"

I can't help but laugh as he plucks the controller from her hand and holds it over his head, leaving the Princess to once again spin aimlessly on the screen.

"The Princess has officially been taken hostage, half pint." He grins, victory stamped across his face.

Maddi growls at him, but she's laughing so hard, she has tears in her eyes.

"Truce," she finally calls. "Truce!"

"No more cheating?"

"No more cheating," she promises.

He pretends to think about it for a moment before glancing at me. "Do we have a deal, Savannah?"

I hold his controller out to him.

"Yes!" he cries, turning into a big kid the instant it's safely back in his hands. He tosses Maddi's controller onto a chair all the way across the room and turns back to the television. Donkey Kong takes off at the same time Maddi dashes across the room, shouting that he's already cheating again.

I just shake my head and settle down on the couch to watch.

Two hours later, Madeline hugs me before bounding upstairs to bed. I can't decide which of the two cheats the most and I've laughed so hard my sides actually hurt. I curl up on the couch while Chris puts the console away, completely at ease. The last two hours having wiped away any lingering doubts about him.

It's obvious he adores Madeline. He's so good with her.

I haven't seen her laugh that much since I got back.

"Maddi really adores you," I murmur when he rises from his crouch in front of the entertainment center.

"She's a good kid," he says, grinning. He sits down across from me. "She reminds me of Alicia."

"Alicia is your little sister, right?"

"Yeah." He rolls his head on his neck and chuckles a little. "She's pretty wild."

I vaguely remember her from Matthew's funeral. She's a petite teenager with this long, dark hair and these big, compassionate eyes. She resembles Chris and their mom.

"Are you very close?"

"We are," Chris says, smiling again. "All three of us have always been close."

We sit in silence for a minute before I work up the nerve to say what I've needed to say all night. "What you saw earlier–"

"You don't owe me an explanation," he interrupts, eyeing me with this genuine, earnest expression on his face. "What happens between you and Jared is your business."

"Thank you." I'm relieved he doesn’t plan to yell at me, but I owe him more than that. "I just wanted to let you know it won't happen again. We were careless."

He doesn't disagree. Nor does he make me feel guilty about it. He just says, "You were, but hindsight is twenty-twenty, right?"

"Yeah," I say, closing my eyes. "That it is."

"Can I ask you a question?"

I nod.

"Are you serious about Jared?"

I've been expecting this conversation, but it catches me off guard anyway.

"Yes," I respond honestly. He's keeping this secret for me and Jared. At the very least, I owe him the truth. But it's more than that. I want to get to know him. I want to prove to myself that there are more good people in this world than bad.

I'm pretty sure Chris is one of the good ones.

"And your ex? Toby McKee?"

Toby's face suddenly looms into sharp focus in my mind, prompting me to pop my eyes open. He looks so cruel in my memories. He's always scowling. It's kind of sad that I don't really remember what he looks like without that scowl.

"It's over," I tell Chris.

"Does he know that?"

"Yes."

"Is he going to change his mind?"

"I doubt it," I whisper. "He's with someone else now. And I won't go back to him." I know that much. It's everything else that I'm not sure about. If I ever see him again… will I have the nerve to tell him to go to hell? Will I fall apart? Will I be able to face him and tell him everything that's boiling inside of me? "I don't want Jared to have to deal with him."

"Jared's already dealing with him, Savannah," Chris says, though he's not rude or unkind about it. "He cares about you, and he's not going to let anything happen to you. None of us will."

"You'd stand up for me?" I ask, surprised.

"You're practically family now." He smiles at me again. "We protect our family."

I'm at a loss for words, but I thank him.

He smiles again. "I know how hard it is, you know. Keeping a secret like the one you're keeping, I mean." His smile slips, replaced by a frown. Shadows drift through his dark eyes. "You know about me and Demetri?" he asks.

"You're engaged, right?"

Chris nods. "I didn't come out until I blew my knee in my senior year of college. I played football, and there's always been this stigma attached to gay players. You can't be gay without everyone automatically assuming that you're checking out the other guys in the locker room. The tension that paranoia can cause between teammates is damaging, so I never said a word. I dated quietly if at all, and it was hard. Really hard at times."

"I'm sorry." The words are ineffective, but there's really not much else to say. I might not know what it's like be gay and play football, but I know what struggling in silence can do, and it's just as awful as he says it is. No words wash that pain away.

"Now I kind of regret that I kept the truth hidden," he says. "I'm not ashamed of who I am. Had I met Demetri then, I'm not sure I would have done it the same way, even knowing the consequences."

I don't know much about Demetri, but the soft smile on Chris's lips makes me glad he has him.

"You really care for him," I say.

"I do. He's been really good for me."

"He seems very nice."

Chris's smile is blinding, and even though he and Jared look nothing alike, he reminds me of his brother so much with that happy grin on his face.

I smile back.

"When I came out to my family, Jared was the first one to congratulate me. He told me he didn't give a damn if I was gay or straight, I was his little brother and so long as I was happy, he was happy for me." He glances at me again, still smiling. "I feel the same way. If you two are happy, I'm happy for you."

"Thank you." I have to clear my throat to get the words out through the lump he's put in my throat. One person, at least, knows the truth about me and Jared and is okay with it. I think I needed to hear that more than I realized.

We sit quietly for a moment.

"I'm scared," I say then. "I don't want anyone to be hurt because of me, especially not Jared or the girls."

"It's a tough situation," Chris acknowledges, not trying to downplay my fears. "But Jared isn't going to let anything happen to you or to the girls if he can stop it. Maybe this wasn't the ideal time for the two of you to find one another, but you both deserve to be happy." He pauses for a minute. "I told him I'd kick his ass if he hurt you."

My mouth falls open in shock. "He's your brother!"

"He is, and he's a really decent guy, but this isn't going to be easy. For you especially, I think. I won't pry for details about what your ex did to you, but I know the kinds of scars people can leave behind, especially bad people. You need someone watching out for you in all of this, more so than Jared does."

"And that's you?" I ask, unable to wrap my mind around the fact that he's decided to take on the role of my white knight, no questions asked. He doesn't even know me, but he's watching out for me.