All Falls Down (40 page)

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Kit asks me two weeks later. Finals are kicking her butt, and she's exhausted, little lines etched around her mouth. She's been up studying half the night for the last three days, only crawling into the bed when she can't hold her eyes open any longer.

"I'm sure," I say, trying to fold up my clothes to fit them back into my suitcases.

"I don't think you should live by yourself right now." Kit stares me, chewing on her bottom lip. "At least not until the FBI catches whoever's trying to ruin T.I."

"I highly doubt whoever it is will bother with me," I tell her. T.I. has nothing to do with me. And I don't think I'm important enough for someone to try to manipulate Lexi by hurting me. She and I haven’t spoken since I left. Gloria thinks I should call her, but I haven't worked up the nerve yet. I haven't had the courage to call Jared either, though I have spoken with Maddi and Chris. He took me car shopping on Tuesday.

"What about this one?" Chris asks me, pointing toward a sleek black Camaro.

The car is gorgeous, but I don't think it's me. It's expensive and a little bit more car than I want. Besides, what the hell am I supposed to do with a Camaro?

"Pass," I mumble, running my gaze across the lot. My eye fall on a deep green Charger tucked between a Mustang and some weird cube type of car. The Charger is probably more car than I need, too, but it's beautiful.

I start walking toward it.

"Now that's what I'm talking about," Chris says when he realizes where I'm headed.

He follows behind me, doing the guy thing and inspecting the engine while I walk around the car. I can't stop staring at it. It's so pathetic, but I haven't seen Jared in weeks, and the car reminds me of him – of the way his eyes would darken when he made love to me.

I pop the door open and peek inside. We're not even at a new car dealer, but that new car smell hits me anyway. The interior is black. The car looks brand new. It's in my price range. And the color….

"I want this one," I say, instantly making a decision.

Chris pops his head out from beneath the hood. "Yeah?"

"Yes."

He grins at me like I've made the best choice ever.

"But–"

"I've already signed the lease," I break in before Kit can come up with another argument. She's been trying for the last two days, but I've stood my ground. It's time for me to stop hiding out in her dorm, time for me to try to get on with my life.

I have no clue how I'm going to do that when Jared still haunts my dreams every single night, but I'm suffocating on campus. I love Kit, but there are far too many people around. I never before realized how loud people our age can be, but they never shut up. Ever. It's driving me crazy.

Kit sighs heavily, but stops arguing with me. "At least promise me that you'll come visit us this summer."

I carefully fold the shirt in my hands, not answering. The thought of going back to the mansion makes my heart tremble. I'm nowhere near ready to face Jared or Lexi or anyone really. I'm barely making it through the days. Even though I see Gloria three times a week, I'm still a mess. Part of me thinks I always will be.

Sometimes, I think Gloria thinks so, too. She doesn't judge me, but I can't help but wonder what she really thinks when I confess to all the horrible things I let Toby do to me, or how I fell in love with Jared even knowing it was wrong.

Sometimes, I think I'm always going to be that girl I still see in the mirror – the one who just lets life and people and circumstances run roughshod over her until she's a broken mess on the floor. I'm always going to be damaged, broken… always going to be an outsider. But I want to learn to fight for myself.

I'm trying.

"You can't avoid him forever," Kit whispers.

"I know."

"But you're going to try anyway."

Sometimes, I hate that she knows me so well.

"I'm not ready yet, Kit."

She sighs again.

"Lexi's in love with him," I tell her, staring at the floor. The thought of the two of them together wrecks me. I'm just waiting for him to realize how much better she is for him than I was. And he will eventually. How could he not?

"And he's in love with you," Kit responds. "He misses you, Sav."

"It's over between us." And I still hate it so much. Every part of me misses him so intensely, it's like I've lost a part of myself. Like I'm trying to learn to live without an arm or a leg or my heart.

"I don't understand you," Kit huffs, flopping down on my bed beside my suitcase. "Jared is an amazing guy, and he loves you. He's miserable without you. And you just let him go. After everything Toby put you through, you deserve to be happy. And I'm sorry, I know you think running away was the best thing for everyone, but it's not. You're a part of our family and you should be at home with the rest of us this summer, not living in some little apartment by yourself all the way across town."

I look up to find Kit scowling. Before I can say anything though, she launches into another rant.

"It pisses me off that Lexi just let you blame yourself and run away. I don't care if she's in love with Jared, too. He loves you and you love him, and maybe that's not fair to her, but making him choose between you and the rest of us wasn't fair to you guys, either. It's not your fault you fell in love. Lexi never should have asked him to pretend he was in a relationship with her, and she never should have kept up that pretense once she knew the truth about the two of you."

"She's just trying to keep you guys and T.I. safe." I don't know why I'm making excuses for Lexi, because Kit's right… none of this is fair. But she's wrong, too. If Jared and Lexi had backed out of their fake relationship so he could be with me, the resulting scandal would have blown Jared's cover in an instant. As selfish as I am when it comes to him, no part of me wants him to ruin his career or let innocent people to die just so I can say he's mine. I'd rather live the rest of my life without him than watch someone else get hurt because of us.

"Yeah, well, her plan sucks," Kit mutters.

I don't say anything.

Kit watches me pack for a few minutes and then tries again. "Please come home with me, Savannah."

"I'll come to visit," I promise, though I'm pretty sure I won't follow through.

Kit knows it, too.

"No, you won't," she says. "You'll go to classes and hide out in your apartment and never leave unless I drag you out."

"Don't you have a final?" I ask her.

She glances at the clock and curses before jumping to her feet and grabbing her bag. "This isn't over," she warns me, marching toward the door.

Two hours later, I'm standing in the middle of my apartment, trying to accept the fact that it's actually mine. That no one can take it away from me. At some point since I signed the lease, Chris and Demetri have worked magic – carrying in furniture and hanging pictures. Everything is new and shiny, and pride pumps through me.

I have a place of my own. Somewhere I fit. Somewhere I belong. All I have to do is hang my clothes in the closet and unpack the new kitchen supplies and bathroom towels.

"What do you think?" Chris asks when he pops in, my suitcases in his hands.

Demetri follows behind him, more subdued.

"It's– I like it," I say.

He grins at me like a little boy, dropping my suitcases off beside the couch.

"You should get a dog," he says.

"No pets allowed."

"Really?"

I nod.

"Well, that's crap," he mutters.

I don't argue with him, though I don’t know what he expects me to do with a dog. I've never had one before. I wouldn't even know where to begin. Hell, I'm not even sure what I'd do with a goldfish. Probably kill it.

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" he asks, stepping back into Demetri.

Demetri presses a kiss to his temple.

"I'll be fine."

I think he's asked me that same question two thousand times since I signed the lease and registered for classes. While I appreciate the concern, I'm tired of hearing it. I may be a mess, but I am capable of living on my own without burning the place down or starving. I think.

"Katrina's going to kill me when she finds out you're already here," he tells me.

I feel guilty for that – for sneaking out while she was in class. But she and I both know there's no way she was going to let me go without trying to convince me to go back to the mansion again. Avoiding a repeat of our conversation seemed best.

I shrug. "Tell her I forced you."

Demetri chuckles when Chris snorts as if to say
yeah, right.

"Call me if you need anything," he advises instead of arguing.

"I will."

"I'm serious. Call me." His expression is so serious, he reminds me of Jared again. They've both nailed that man-in-charge stance.

I step toward him, and give him a big hug. He and Kit have been my lifeline since I left the mansion. I'm not sure what I'm going to do without seeing at least one of them every day.

"I will," I promise again when he squeezes me.

"Take care, Savannah," Demetri murmurs when Chris releases me.

"You too."

"Set the alarm." Chris shoots me another one of those serious looks before closing the front door behind him.

I shake my head and lock the door, setting the alarm. And then I sweep my gaze around the apartment, trying to decide what I want to do. The boxes scattered around the small kitchen catch my eye, but I don't really want to unpack them right now.

I drag my suitcases to my bedroom instead and start hanging my clothes in the closet.

I'm halfway through the first bag when the doorbell rings. I drop the hanger in my hand and head that way, frowning. I knew Kit would show up sooner or later, but I really expected it to be later.

"Just a minute," I call when she rings the doorbell again.

I hurry to turn the alarm off and unlock the door.

Kit's not standing on the other side though.

A young guy I don't know stares at me, a massive flower arrangement in his hands and a bored expression on his face.

"Savannah Martin?" he asks.

"Yes?"

He holds the flowers out to me.

I stare for a minute, taken off guard. Wildflowers mingle with white roses and lavender in brilliant pops of color. The vase is easily knee high. It's gorgeous.

"Who sent these?" I ask.

"Don't know." He shrugs. "You want 'em or not?"

"Oh. Um… thank you." I take the arrangement from his hands.

"Welcome," he mumbles and walks away.

I stand there for a minute before pushing the front door closed with my foot. Twisting, I set the arrangement on the coffee table and then relock the door and deal with the alarm. There's a card nestled between the blooms. I hesitate for a long moment before reaching out to pull it free.

My heart races as I tug it from the little envelope.

Congratulations.

There's only that one word scrawled across the inside in a familiar, bold script. One I've only seen a handful of times, but will never forget.

"Jared," I whisper.

God, I miss him.