All Falls Down (37 page)

Kit and I don't say anything for the rest of the ride home. When she pulls up, I hesitate for a minute. I want to tell her… something. But as usual, I don't know what. Grabbing the door handle, I push it open instead of trying to find words.

"Get some rest," Kit says. "We'll talk later."

I nod and step from the car. It's still pouring rain. Putting my head down, I stumble toward the guesthouse. My legs ache as I make my way up the steps and inside. My clothes are still soaked, so I pull them off when the front door closes behind me.

I leave them where they fall and stumble toward the bedroom. But when my gaze lands on the bed – when Jared's scent hits me – I can't go inside. I grab a blanket from the closet in the hall and lay on the couch instead.

I don't think I'll sleep, but I do.

I'm disoriented when I wake up, confused. It's bright outside – midday. I can't remember why I'm naked or why I'm on the couch. And then memory comes rushing back in a painful flood.

Madeline's in the hospital.

I stumble to the bathroom, pee, and pull a t-shirt over my head. The girl staring back at me in the mirror is so familiar, it hurts. She's the same one who stared at me for two years in Italy. The haunted, defeated girl who let Toby destroy her piece by piece. The one who believed him when he said she was worthless and useless. The one who still feels that way when she's alone.

When I can't face her any longer, I flip the light off and make my way back to the couch. My throat burns and everything hurts. I think I'm going to cry again. But I don't want to cry anymore. I am so tired of crying every time I screw up.

So I don't.

I curl up beneath the blanket, clutch Jared's ring in my hand, and go back to sleep.

"Savannah, love," Jared whispers, "wake up."

I moan. I'm having the best dream, and I don't want to let it go. I'm warm and happy, Jared's making love to me, and everything is just perfect.

"Wake up, beautiful girl," he says again.

He sounds so tired, I can't refuse this time, My eyes pop open.

He's kneeling beside the couch, a sad smile on his face. His eyes are shadowed underneath, like he hasn't slept in days. He looks like hell, but he's still so beautiful to me.

Why did I ever think I could keep him?

He stares at me for a long time, not saying anything.

I stare back, memorizing his face again. My fingers twitch, physically aching with my desire to reach out and touch the little scar beside his lip.

"You scared me," he finally whispers. "When we couldn't find you this morning, I thought–" He bows his head, as if the weight of what he thought drags him down.

"I'm fine," I say. My voice is raw, my words little more than a pitiful croak. "How's Maddi?"

"She's okay." He closes his eyes for a moment, sighs. "We got lucky."

No, we didn't. I don't have the heart to tell him that though.

"Wh–what time is it?" I pull myself up into a sitting position.

"A little after four in the afternoon."

"Oh."

"Maddi was discharged about an hour ago."

I hate the way he avoids touching me, like he's scared of what might happen if he does. As if he knows the same truth threatening to crush me – we can't do this anymore.

"I-is she home?" I ask, staring at a frayed hem on the blanket wrapped around me.

I see him nod out of the corner of my eye.

"Lexi?"

"She's–" He sighs. "She'll be okay."

"No, she won't," I whisper. "Not this time." Madeline's her baby sister, and she could have died. Lexi isn't going to just bounce back from that. And she shouldn't have to. She's been watching over her shoulder since the day Matthew died, waiting for the monster to jump out of the shadows again. Now he has, and nothing is going to be okay.

Another sad smile twists at Jared's lips and I realize he knows this, too.

"I think–" I swallow when my gaze tangles with his. "I think you should stay at the mansion tonight." The words hurt and I want to take them back, but I bite my tongue, fighting the urge to be selfish this time.

His eyes fall half closed. His expression twists as if hearing the words hurt him as badly as saying them has hurt me. But he doesn't argue with me. He doesn't try to change my mind or convince me that everything can go back to the way it was.

"Beautiful girl," he whispers. And then his lips are against mine, hard and insistent.

I want to resist, I want to be strong enough to tell him no… but I'm not.

I kiss him back, clinging to him while my heart threatens to shatter in my chest.

Before I know it, he's gone.

It's almost midnight before Kit finally comes to see me. I'm almost relieved when she appears in the doorway. I can finally get the thoughts plaguing me out of my head.

When she closes the door behind her, I scoot over to make room for her on the couch.

She sits a bowl down in front of me. I don't know what's in it, but I'm not hungry.

"How's Maddi?" I ask. I'm desperate to go see her, but I don't know if I'm welcome.

"Sleeping." Kit sinks down beside me. Her face is pale and splotchy, like she's been crying. Her beautiful blonde hair hangs limply. I don't think she's slept at all. "How are you?" she asks me.

I shrug, not sure how to answer that question.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Even though I've been waiting for this moment all day, I shake my head. Now that it's here, I don't know how to put the things I've been thinking about into words. I'm not sure I want to do so.

"What are you going to do?" she asks.

And I know I don't have to say anything. Even after all this time, she still knows me better than I know myself. She can still guess what I'm thinking before I open my mouth.

"I can't keep him. It's after midnight."

Kit glances over at me.

I don't bother trying to explain. She's a princess. She belongs in this world. And I don't begrudge her that. I don't want her to know how it feels to be Cinderella, lured by magic and princes and the foolish dream of forever.

Why'd I let myself believe I got to keep him when the clock struck midnight?

That's not how it works for maids or their abandoned daughters.

"I think–" I clear my throat. "I think I need to leave for a while. C-can I stay with you on campus for a few days?" And I don't want to cry, but a tear slips down my cheek anyway.

"Savannah–"

"I can't stay here," I whisper, brushing it away. "Lexi needs Jared, and I'm a distraction. I need to go, but I don't have anywhere else."

She's silent for so long, I think she's going to tell me no. But then she sighs again. "Yeah, you can stay in the dorms with me."

"Thank you."

I stare at the blank television screen. I'm drowning, sinking in freezing waters, and there's nothing to hold onto. The waves have broken over the buoy, and they're dragging me down this time.

I force myself to take deep, even breaths.

"When do you want to go?" Kit asks, reaching out for my hand. She squeezes it tight, trying to remind me that I'm not alone. But I am though. I'm in some place where she can't follow. Where I don't want her to follow.

"In the morning," I manage to say.

"Are you going to tell him?"

Am I?

Can I?

"I have to." I can't just leave without saying goodbye. He deserves more than that from me. He deserves… well, he deserves to be set free.

Kit squeezes my hand again, and then rises to her feet. "I'll take you to campus in the morning." She hesitates. "Do you need help packing?"

I shake my head.

"It'll be okay, Sav."

Not even she sounds like she really believes that.

Twenty minutes later, I'm shoving things into my suitcase when Jared appears in the bedroom doorway. His jade eyes are wild and he's panting as if he's run all the way from the mansion. The expression on his face threatens to break my heart completely.

He knows I'm leaving him.

"Don't do this," he says, stepping into the room. "Don't leave."

"I have to," I whisper. The words are so soft they're almost lost beneath the frantic pounding of my heart.

He shakes his head, coming closer. "No, you don't. We can figure this out."

"How?" I ask, shoving a t-shirt into my suitcase. "Maddi almost died last night, Jared."

"That's not your fault."

"Yes, it is. I distracted you. I pulled you away. You were so busy with me, you didn't even know someone came onto the property. Someone cut that limb down while you were with me. That's on
me
, Jared."

He reaches out for me, but I take a step back. If he touches me, I'm going to lose what little nerve I have. I know it. Already, I'm fracturing apart, pieces of my heart and soul breaking away before being swallowed up by the hollowness growing in their place.

The hurt look that passes across his face when I move away tears through me.

"I'm not going to let you do this," he says, heat in his voice. "I'm not going to let you blame yourself for this."