All Falls Down (42 page)

I spend the next two days at home, my phone off. I refuse to answer the door when Chris comes pounding on it Saturday morning, demanding I open up. I feel sick – that all over kind of awful that won't go away. I'm angry at everyone.

Why didn't Kit or Chris tell me? Why didn't Jared? Or Lexi? I had to find out they were together from Madeline and a piece of paper one of them shoved into my mailbox, too cowardly to face me.

I'm furious.

The people who should be here for me aren't. They never have been. They let Toby take me away. They let me take the blame for Maddi. They let me leave and didn't try to stop me. And now they've let Lexi take Jared, too. I feel exactly how I did when I woke up in the hospital in Italy – like I've been abandoned and betrayed all over again. Only it hurts worse this time, because the people who betrayed me are the ones who I thought really cared. They weren't abusive and hateful to me. They were my friends, my family…. I may be screwed up, but even I know I don't deserve this.

For once in my life, I make a decision to confront them instead of running. I want to force them to face me and explain. I'm terrified, but I remind myself over and over that I can do this. That I deserve an explanation. Part of me whispers that maybe I'm overreacting. That maybe, just maybe, this is all part of their performance. But if that's the case… why didn't they tell me? Why the hell didn't anyone tell me? Not one of the texts I've ignored says anything about this. Neither do the voicemails.

I know because I finally listened to them.

No, they didn't say a word. They slipped a note into my mailbox and left it at that.

That's all the explanation they thought I deserved. A fucking note.

It's almost five o'clock on Saturday when I find enough nerve to climb into the shower.

By six, my hair hangs in loose waves down my back. Makeup hides the dark circles under my eyes. When I don the only suitable dress I have, I actually think I'm pretty. Not beautiful like Lexi or Kit, but pretty.

I slip on the only pair of heels I own and shove my things into a little clutch. Jared's ring seems to mock me from the dresser. I hesitate for a long moment and then slip it onto my finger. I don't want to wear it, but I don't want to lose it before I can give it back to him.

I don't want it anymore.

I do.

I'm so confused. So angry.

At seven, I lock the front door behind me and head toward my car. My heart hammers loudly. My heels click as I make my way down the steps. A little voice inside tells me to turn around and go back upstairs, but I don't. I'm not hiding this time. I'm too pissed for that.

The sun is setting by the time I make it to the mansion, turning the entire property a lovely orange and gold. Stewart's in a suit and tie, waving cars through the gates. He barely spares me a glance when he waves me through. Luxury cars litter the driveway, parked wherever their drivers found room. People I haven't seen since Matthew's funeral trickle into the house in twos and threes.

I follow them in, daring anyone to stop me.

No one tries.

In fact, I don't see Chris or Demetri or Kit or Lexi or Jared or Maddi anywhere. They're waiting to make their grand entrance, probably hiding away upstairs. For a minute, I think about marching up there to confront them, but I talk myself out of it. I don't want to make a scene. I just want an explanation… I want them to look me in the eye and tell me why.

When I step into the ballroom and someone pushes a glass of champagne into my hands… my anger dissipates as if it were never there at all. I'm left standing in the middle of the room, pleading with God not to let me cry.

And I don't think he's listening.

What the hell am I doing here?

Thirty minutes later, I still haven't managed to make myself leave. I don't even know why. I don't want to see Lexi and Jared together. In fact, I don't really want to see anyone. I want to go home, curl up in my bed, and cry myself to sleep. But I don't. I stay to face them. To stand up for myself, or maybe to torture myself.

I'm not really sure what I thought I was going to accomplish by coming here, but I can't leave.

People from T.I. drift through the room. Those who remember me stop for a moment to chat. I don't know what we talk about… I just smile and nod, pretending everything is perfect and my heart isn't mangled in my chest. Eventually, they leave me alone.

Soft music drifts through the room – quiet, ambient. Expensive crystal clinks, one glass against another. Strains of conversation and laughter mingle in the perfumed air. It's warm… too warm.

I swallow convulsively. Take a deep breath.

You can do this
, I chant to myself. It's become my mantra in the last few days, playing like a single verse of song stuck on repeat. Sometimes, I actually believe it.

I don't right now.

My stomach feels sour, my throat too tight. The expensive heels I've donned are stuck to the floor as if made of lead. I feel like a fraud. An imposter.

I want to run.

I coach myself to smile instead. Smile… just smile. My cheeks ache, my lips pulled back from my teeth in a show of faux-happiness. Inside, I'm crying. Screaming. Dying.

Movement across the room catches my attention and freezes my blood.

A shock of dark blond hair. Broad shoulders encased in expensive black silk.

Jared.

My stomach somersaults, drops, and then somersaults again.

Heads turn in his direction. I'm so focused on him, I barely notice the way conversation stalls all around me. His eyes – the coolest green jade – don't even shift in my direction.

I want to scream at him like the Whos in Whoville screaming for their lives while their little world is forced closer to destruction:
I'm here! I'm here!

I don't make a sound.

My eyes travel down his form. I ache. Burn. Remember….

"
I want you to remember something for me," he whispers, staring into my eyes. He reaches out to stroke my cheekbones, his fingers gentle against my face. "Can you do that for me, love?"

Words fail so I nod.

"
I want you to remember that it's you. It's only ever been you. Forever." He kisses me softly. "Can you remember that for me, Savannah?"

"
Jared
–
" His name is a pitiful sob as I throw myself into his arms. Tears pour down my face.

"
Beautiful girl," he chastises, gathering me up against his strong chest. "I love you. No matter what, I love you."

I bite my lip against the cry of protest rising in my throat when he tilts his head to the side, forcing
her
into my line of sight.

Her….

With her perfect blonde hair and brilliant smile.

Her with her sultry laugh and womanly curves.

Her. And him. Together.

I bite my lip harder. A new ache begins in my chest, where my heart used to be.

Her eyes flit around the room, widen slightly when they fall on me, and then drift away again. Her head tilts toward his. His dips lower. Perfect red lips form words against the shell of his ear… words I can't hear. They stab like a knife in my chest anyway.

He lifts his head to look.

My mantra shifts.
Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

The
champagne flute shakes in my hands when searing green tangles for a brief moment with my own dull brown. His gaze strips me bare, sets me adrift, and unmakes me. For just a minute while he stares at me, everything is right. I'm whole, safe, and loved. And then his gaze moves away again and I'm none of those things. I'm afraid, confused, and lost. So lost.

His next move doesn't help.

No
, I want to cry out to him when he straightens and they start in my direction, each step matched perfection. I say nothing instead. I'm frozen solid… thought, preservation, and instinct completely wiped away.

They walk toward me, moving so slowly I feel like I'm watching an impending train wreck, unable to do a single thing to prevent it from happening. I want to lift my skirt into my hands and flee into the night. Just run until my lungs explode, my heart stops, and this sight – Her. Him. Together. – is burned from my memory. But I can't.

I stand completely still instead.

I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this
.

The champagne in my flute sloshes around. A droplet runs down my hand, sticky, messy, like the last time we were together.

"
I need to feel you, Savannah," he breathes in my ear. His body presses against mine, hot, hard, and eager. "I need to be in you, love."

His lips moves like butterfly wings across my skin – giving, taking, and worshipping. I lift my arms and wrap them around him, cradling him to me. His hand dips between my legs, slipping against slick skin aching for him. Always for him.

"
Mmm," he moans against my nipple when I arch into his touch.

That satisfied sound is my undoing.

Orgasm washes over me in a warm rush.

"
More," I beg, writhing through it, "please, Jared."

"
Yes, beautiful girl," he croons and pulls away to undress.

I watch from beneath heavy lids, my attention riveted to the way the candlelight illuminates his skin, setting it afire in rippling, glistening shadow.  A beautiful smile spreads across his face, softening his expression when he notices me staring.

He stalks toward me again, his cock in his hand. "You're gorgeous," he whispers fiercely… the last words spoken before he's sliding inside of me, stretching me, filling me.

"
Oh baby," he hisses when I wrap my legs around his waist.

He begins to move inside of me – in and out, faster, deeper. His lips seek mine. I kiss him hungrily, gasping and mewling into his mouth as he takes me higher, higher
…
always higher.

"
I love you," he cries out, his head thrown back as he slams himself inside of me. "I love you."

Her smile brightens the closer they come to me. Perfect rows of white teeth flash. Her eyes – baby blue and full of some emotion I'd rather not name – meet mine. I barely stop myself from bowing my head as the way she looks at me combines with my memories of him, weighing me down.

She has everything that's mine. She has
him
, and I can't even hate her for it.

Nothing has ever hurt so deeply.

My heart splinters when they draw to a stop in front of me. I can't bring myself to look at him again. Desperation to touch him, to kiss and love him, comes in crushing waves. I'm too far gone to trust myself not to give in.

"Lexi, Jared," I whisper, choking on their names. "Congratulations."

"Savannah," Lexi greets me, her voice as perfect as the rest of her. "How are you?" She sounds genuinely concerned.

A thousand answers flit through my mind – dying, burning, terrified – but I can't say any of them. My false smile feels like it's going to crack my cheeks at any moment. Crack me. Wide open.

"Fine." My mouth moves. My voice sounds. But I don't know where the word comes from. I certainly haven't thought it.

"Savannah." Jared's voice is warm honey – instant sensory overload.

His gaze is on me, searing me, but I can't make my head move in his direction. I can't.

"Look at me," he whispers so softly I know the words haven't carried beyond our little grouping.

My eyes find his, and, oh God–
I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.

"Jared," I choke, my hands trembling. The champagne flute clinks against the ring on my finger. His eyes… oh God, his eyes. So much pain, sorrow, and regret mingle there. Everything in my chest tightens, fracturing along already ravaged lines. Tears well, threatening to break free and spill over at any moment.

I have to get out of here. I have to–

"Breathe," Lexi reminds me, her perfect lips barely moving.