Authors: Nicole Deese
I couldn’t shake the
feeling that deception was feeding on my reality and robbing me blind, yet I
couldn’t pin-point where or how it was happening. I was anxious to study the
books and print outs that Dr. Crane had provided me. That was one thing I could
do; I could study. If there was an answer then surely it would be in science.
I could stake my life
on that alone.
I tried to step quietly
as I felt my way up the dark staircase. It was well past midnight when I
arrived back at Stacie’s house. My normal routine of showering after work and
getting into pjs was dismissed as my body fell flat onto my bed. I heard a
slight crunch underneath my shoulder as I made contact with the comforter. I
lifted the small piece of paper up into the light of my cell phone.
Tori-
Can’t wait to show you
what I found today! Your outfit for tomorrow will be smokin’ hot, yet
gracefully elegant. I have it all planned out.
Sweet dreams...hope
they’re of the Firemen’s Ball!
Stacie
Though my eyes were
closed, my mind was now fully engaged with the promise of Thursday evening.
I would see Kai again.
I fell asleep while thinking only of that.
I woke to find a text
from Kai on my phone.
Kai
:
Looking forward to
seeing you tonight.
Though I told myself it
was foolish to get nervous, my body had a mind of its own. Waves of anxiety
filled me from head to toe. I could hear Stacie stirring in her room and
decided before the fashion preparations were unleashed that I needed to run. I
slipped my shoes and quietly headed out the front door.
It was hard to fathom all
the events that had taken place since my return to Dallas. I hadn’t even been back
a month, yet so much had happened within that short of time frame. Life in
Phoenix had not been nearly as versatile or socially taxing. Though the
majority of my days had been filled with working at the hospital, there was
little else that I had allowed into my schedule outside of my daily runs.
I thought back to last
night’s fatigue. I knew full well that it had little to do with the twelve
hours on my feet and everything to do with the mental strain of my appointment with
Dr. Crane. The interactions I’d had with Stacie, my parents, and even Kai had
forced a new level of energy from me lately. I may not have
connected
in
the way Dr. Crane defined it, but it was still draining nonetheless. I wondered
when—if ever—I would feel energized by the company of others.
I ran outside of the
housing development onto the overpass. It was lined with new,
made-to-look-antique lampposts. I thought again of Kai.
It had been a long time
since a boy had been in my thoughts this much. My one and only romantic
relationship had ended right after I graduated from high school. He had hoped
we could keep it up long distance—Boston to Dallas—but I knew I needed to focus
on getting into the nursing program.
Boyfriends were
ultimately expendable.
Ian had been a funny
mix of cowboy and jock. He knew ranching well, as he had worked as a ranch-hand
in his grandfather’s stables every summer, but he was also an elite soccer
player. He’d received a full scholarship to Boston University.
We dated for almost two
years.
During that time, there
had been many sit down talks with Jack. Everything from Ian’s intentions to
keeping curfew was discussed. Even though my dad had asked Ian those same
questions, Jack took it upon himself to go the extra mile when it came to me
dating. Ian had often joked about being the only guy he knew who had to get the
blessing of two dad figures in order to date one girl.
I was such a different
girl back then. One that was free to joke, laugh, and tease. Ian was always
reaching for my hand and introducing me as his girlfriend. My heart would swoon
over his words. He had been my first real kiss, awakening in me feelings and
desires I didn’t even know existed.
One night, on a blanket
outside on his grandfather’s field, things went way too far. Ian knew my
limits. He knew, yet he tested them relentlessly. Something was different that
night though; it was more than just a test. He ignored my protests countless
times.
Stricken with panic, I
pushed him off me, gasping in shock at his forcefulness. Every bit of trust
that had been built in those two years had come crashing down, the demolition taking
only seconds.
His apologies were
numerous on the car ride home. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind who he was so
afraid of.
Jack
. When he walked me to my door that night, he said the
only four words I’d ever wanted to hear from him.
“
I love you
,
Tori
.”
But they fell on deaf
ears. No longer were they sweet and pure. No longer were they right and true.
The only meaning found in those words was the admission of his guilt.
His shame had tainted
them completely.
Soon after that, I
started to pull away from him. Though he had apologized many times, I couldn’t
forget. As his plans for Boston became more concrete, I broke it off completely.
Ian had emailed me many times during that first year while he was away at
school. He begged me to reconsider a long-distance relationship with him.
I never did.
Kai is different. He is
not Ian
.
I rounded the corner
into the high school parking lot several miles from Stacie’s house. I made a
wide U-turn and headed back in the opposite direction. I knew Kai was
different
.
He hadn’t taken or expected anything from me. Instead, he was respectful and
kind.
There was no guilt
clouding his judgment. He had made his intentions clear each time he had spoken
to me, wanting my company for reasons I was yet to understand.
**********
The second I opened the
front door I knew something was wrong. She was directly beyond the entryway on
the couch, but said nothing to me as I entered. Her head was down and her eyes
were spilling over with tears.
My heart sank to the
floor.
“What’s wrong, Stacie?
What happened?” I asked, running to her side.
My strides were long
and quick. In an instant I was sitting next to her, willing her to speak. She
lifted her head, opened her mouth, and then burst into a new round of sobs. My
mind was whirling in panic.
The baby?
Mom and dad?
Oh...Jack? Something
happened to Jack!
“It’s nothing
terrible...it’s...it’s my appointment. It was moved from this afternoon. My
doctor had an emergency with one of his patients,” she cried, sniffling every
few seconds.
Oh goodness...pregnancy
does make you crazy.
“Okay, help me
understand, Stace.”
I treaded carefully,
not wanting to wake up the
anger beast
that could be lurking in the
shadows of all this emotion.
“It’s Jack. He was
going to be able to video chat with me during the ultrasound today so we could
find out what we’re having together. But they had to move it to tomorrow
morning. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to get on then. It’s just so hard being
away from him. He is missing EVERYTHING!”
Stacie cried now with
tears I understood.
Jack
was
missing
a lot. In all the years they had been married—or even just dating—I’d never
known them to be apart from each other. Suddenly, I felt like a jerk. I hadn’t
thought enough about Stacie’s feelings, especially in light of her pregnancy. These
tears were less about a rescheduled appointment and more about the milestones
that Jack wasn’t here for.
Suddenly, I had an
idea.
“
What time is your
appointment, Stacie?”
“Nine.” She sniffled,
meeting my gaze.
“I can go with you
tomorrow; I think I have a plan, actually. Are you willing to wait to find out
the gender until Jack can get online with you?” I asked.
“What do you mean...
wait
for Jack?”
“Stacie, what if I
recorded your ultrasound? When it’s time for you to find out, the tech can just
turn the screen and not show you. She can tell me instead, or the camera that
is. That way you can still learn the gender together once Jack is free to video
chat with you.”
Stacie lit up like a
firework and hugged me tightly.
“That is a brilliant
idea! I would love for you to come, Tori! I have an even better plan though,
how about
you
tell us? Let the tech tell you after you record the
ultrasound appointment and then you can be the one that tells us what we’re
having!”
Stacie was ecstatic
now. I was relieved.
“I would be honored to
do that for you both, I’ll think of a fun way to do it,” I said.
“I’ll go call Jack and
tell him the news while you go and take a shower.”
“What...you don’t like
my sweaty shirt and shorts?” I joked, looking at my pitiful attire.
Stacie turned her nose
upward and squinted at me.
“The look is hardly as
bad as the
smell
!”
She squealed up the
stairs knowing a pillow was sure to be thrown her way.
A shower would be nice
and frankly quite necessary. I smiled thinking about what tomorrow’s big day
would hold for Jack and Stacie. For the first time since my move, I was
thankful for living in Dallas…and nowhere else.
**********
“You done in there
yet?” Stacie called from outside my bathroom door.
Here we go...someone’s
all better now.
“I have a few outfit
choices laid out for you in my room—with shoes...but you’ll have to try them on
to make sure they’re going to fit right.”
Stacie’s overwhelming
selection of
options
made me question her spending habits. There were
short, long, strapless, full-skirted and halter dresses strewn about on top of
her mattress. It was a store, not a closet selection that lay on her bed
waiting for my approval.
“Where did all these
come from?” I asked, mouth gaping.
“You know: weddings,
dances, work parties, social events, theater...”
Stacie rattled off the
list in a casual manner.
“Oh...is that all,” I
said rolling my eyes.
She smiled and then
immediately launched into details about what would look best on me. She had
thought of color, shape, style, and length. She held each one up, finally
narrowing it down to only two. I could have slept and been more of a help to
her.
“Okay, so it’s navy
short or dark blush long. I’ll have to see them both on you and then we can
decide.”
We? Really?
I laughed at her as I
entered the bathroom, but she paid no attention to me. Her head was swimming
with plans and details. She wouldn’t have heard me if I had screamed, “Fire!”
The navy dress—although
beautiful—reminded me of a bad prom night, one that ended with cheap beer and a
hotel room. Stacie agreed. It wasn't quite right for me. It was then I tried on
the “dark blush long”, as Stacie had called it. I had little hope for that one
as my appreciation for pink in
any
shade was limited at best. But when I
felt it fall over my hips and hit the tips of my toes with its silky touch, I
was taken aback.
“Oh...my...lanta! Tori,
that is positively breathtaking! That dress was
made
for you. Look at
yourself!” Stacie said, pointing to the tall mirror by her dresser.
I stared at the image
it reflected as if detached from it somehow. The strapless, sweetheart
neck-line flowed like a waterfall over my body to the floor. It pulled together
in the center of my chest and dropped a pleat of layered fabric from below my
breast bone to just above the natural hem-line.
It was exquisite.
The color brought out
the olive in my skin—as Stacie pointed out—and my hazel eyes were bright in
contrast. I slipped on the silver, strappy heels that Stacie gave me seconds
earlier. The shoes made the ensemble complete—or rather, made me completely
aware of the fact that I was a
fake
.
This isn’t me.
“Stacie, it is
beautifu
l
...I’m
just not sure,” I said, looking down at the heels on my feet.
I felt nearly naked in
this dress.
I looked at myself
again in the mirror. My shoulders, neck, and arms were exposed. I was exposed.
“What do you mean? You
are
gorgeous,
Tori! This is
your
dress. Heavens, you were in a
swimsuit in front of him last week, remember?” she exclaimed.