All I Have to Give (35 page)

‘Eloise?’

As she looked up at him, he read the words, ‘I’m sorry.’

‘I know. You’re tired. But we will find a way. I have heard that the Military Hospital plans to rehabilitate the wounded by finding them jobs. Why don’t we approach them and
see if any of the soldiers have administrative skills? We could appoint an administrative manager and a secretary. We could advertise for a nursing sister to oversee the health of the children, and
recruit a governing board to vet potential adoptive parents for the children. What do you think?’

‘Yes, of course we can. I’m being silly. I’m cross with Edith, but mostly I’m afraid for her. Oh, why did she do this?’

‘Eloise, don’t. I can’t bear it when you are upset . . . It – it hurts. Eloise, forgive me, I have no right to speak to you of my feelings, for it is only just over a
year since Andrina’s death. Such a short time.’

Her hand touched his face, quietening him and sending waves of desire through him. Her eyes held his: her beautiful hazel eyes that danced when she smiled, but which now held a depth of feeling
that he dare not hope was for him.

‘Eloise, you must know how I feel?’

‘I do, Jay. I have waited . . .’

‘You return my feelings? Oh, Eloise.’ Neither of them seemed to move, and yet their bodies were now close. He could feel her breath on his face and her breasts brushing his chest as
her breathing deepened, but still he felt afraid to do what he most wanted to do in all the world: hold her, kiss her.

‘How do you feel, Jay? I need you to tell me.’

‘I – I love you, Eloise. I love you with a love that fills me with joy and desire and happiness, but that would burst into something I feel I could hardly handle, if you felt the
same for me.’

‘I do,’ she said in a breathless tone.

Her eyes closed, and her lovely full lips lifted to his. The moment he’d longed for had arrived. The touching of her lips with his own made a passionate feeling shudder through him, which
he fought to control. The kiss, though beautiful and threatening to overwhelm him, wasn’t enough. He needed – no, he
had –
to take her to him and join his life to hers,
in the ultimate act of love.

Her desire matched his own, and her hands caressed his back with a pressure that pulled him even closer to her. Now their bodies were moulded and he couldn’t hide his need, or prevent her
from feeling it pressed against where he most wanted to be.

He knew he must pull away and calm the situation, but he couldn’t. Eloise was so willing, so giving and loving. His hand found and cupped her breast. The deep intake of breath that he felt
her take told him of the pleasure this gave. Encouraged, he caressed the tip, felt the hardening of her nipple beneath her blouse.

Prising her lips open with his tongue, he savoured the delicious thrill of the feel of her tongue, and moved his own in and out of her mouth. He was lost. Lost in a world so removed from any
he’d known that he needed to go further. Had to.

Pulling away from her, he guided her to the chaise longue under the window. But, halfway there, shame washed over him as Eloise positioned herself in front of him and said, ‘No. No, Jay, I
can’t!’

‘Oh, my darling. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.’

‘No, darling, it wasn’t your fault. My love for you is so intense that I allowed us to lose control. I love you, Jay. Please make me your wife.’

Her words calmed him. The disappointment was only going to be temporary, because she loved him. She had asked him to marry her. ‘Now?’

Oh, how he wished he could hear her laughter. But he joined his with hers and the moment lightened.

‘Let us post the banns right away.’

‘But what about Father?’

‘I know he’ll agree. He’s spoken to me about our feelings towards one another, and has said it is about time that I did something about it.’

‘Really!’

‘Ha, no. I wish it were so. But surely he must suspect, and your mother, too. I have a feeling the whole world knows.’

‘I didn’t. I knew I loved you, but . . .’

‘And I knew I loved you.’

‘Oh, Jay’

They laughed together. But Jay knew he would feel no peace until he could complete what they had started, and he could really make her his.

Taking his handkerchief and using it to wipe her smudged lipstick didn’t help. Once more they were closer together than he could handle. The door opened and they shot apart. Looking at Ada
as she entered, Jay read what she said.

‘Eeh, caught you red-handed! I beg your pardon, I just wanted some more of those ordering pads and another pen. Though I can’t get used to these posh nibs. I get into a reet mess.
Ink all over me, and blotches on me paper. Give me a crayon any day.’

‘Er . . . er . . .’ Words failed him.

‘Carry on,’ said Ada, looking at them directly. ‘It’s about time you two got together, and if you want a bridesmaid, I’m your girl.’ With a bob and a bow, she
left the room.

It took a second for the shock to wear off, but then the ridiculousness of the situation hit Jay, as it did Eloise. At just the same moment they doubled over in laughter. When they calmed, he
had a happiness in him such as he’d never known.

‘You know, Eloise, I think loving someone is such a huge thing. It encompasses so much, and we have it all. We can work together, talk about anything together and laugh together, and now I
know that the deeper side of love is going to be fantastic, too.’

A blush swept over her face, and a smile lit her eyes. Coming into his arms, he knew that she had spoken, but her head was snuggled into him, making it impossible for him to decipher what she
had said, although he knew her words would be words of love. His world was almost complete.

Abbeville, late September 1917
Trying to heal

Edith, Connie, Nancy and Jennifer sat on the sand dunes looking out to sea. A ship glided along the horizon in the distance.

‘I reckon that’s the one our wounded will be on soon. It’s ’eading up towards Calais, and they are well on their way there by now.’

No one answered Connie, but Nancy spoke, changing the subject. ‘Well, you’re a morose lot. Come on. Let’s have a dip in the sea!’

‘Ooh, no, Nancy. It will be freezing!’

‘It’s always freezing, Edith, even in high summer. But it is a lovely day today and we’ll soon warm up. Come on!’

Nancy stripped off her jumper as she said this, revealing the top of her knitted swim-dress.

‘Oh, you came prepared then?’

‘I did, Jennifer. Didn’t you?’

‘No, I thought the same as Edith, that it would be too cold.’

‘Uh, soft like Joe-suds, you two posh bitches are. Come on, Nancy, I’m game. Though I’ll ’ave to swim in the nude, as I ’aven’t come prepared,
either.’

‘You wouldn’t!’ Jennifer sounded astonished, but emitted a girlish giggle.

‘Watch me!’ said Connie.

Laughing like she thought she would never laugh again, Edith rolled her head backwards. Connie’s huge bosom, when let free, bounced up and down as she jiggled out of her long skirt, but
that wasn’t anything compared to what her big bottom did when, naked as the day she was born, she ran towards the water.

‘Oh, Edith, have you ever seen anything so funny and yet so beautiful?’

This pulled Edith up. With those words came the realization that it was beautiful to see these lovely girls having fun, and hearing them squeal with delight. Suddenly she wanted to be part of
it. ‘Come on, Jennifer, let’s join them.’

‘Oh, I couldn’t!’

‘Yes, you could. The lads know not to come down to the beach while we are having our time down here. It’s a court-martial offence to intrude on our privacy when we have our bathing
dresses on, so no one but us will know.’

‘Ha, it’s a good job no one sees what goes on during the night!’

‘Jennifer! You and Mark?’

‘Yes, me and Mark.’

‘Well, be careful, old thing, you know where that can lead.’

‘Mark knows what he is doing.’

Yes, Mark knows. I knew too, but in the heat of a passionate moment I permitted it.

‘What’s that
look
for? I’m only human, Edith. I love Mark. And God knows I can’t wait for when all this is over and we can be married. Neither of us can wait.
You wait until it happens to you!’

‘Oh, Jen.’

‘It has, hasn’t it?’

‘I don’t want to talk about it.’

A shout of ‘Hey, come on, it’s not so bad once your body gets used to it’ carried on the wind, and Edith shook the sad thoughts from her and stripped off her clothes, shivering
more and more as she disposed of each layer.

‘Oh God, Edith. I didn’t know you had once been fat!’

‘I – I . . .’

Pulling her skirt back down over her stretch-marks, Edith wished the ground would open up. Jennifer could be very outspoken; she should have known Jennifer wouldn’t let anything pass.
She’d been a fool to bare herself.

‘You can talk to me, Edith. I know there is something wrong. I have sensed it since you came back. You have to talk to someone, and I would never divulge anything you said.’

There was something about Jennifer that made you want to talk to her. Even though she had never received any training, she was a skilled counsellor. But no, if she needed to talk, Edith did so
to Ada, in long letters in which she poured out her heart. ‘There’s nothing to talk about. I’m fine. I went through a bad experience. And yes, I did put weight on – a lot of
weight. During that time when I suffered memory loss the farmer’s wife just fed and fed me, as she did her husband. But it came off, though sadly it left me with these marks. I seem to be a
pear-shape and to put it all on around my bottom half. They’ll fade with time. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m going in – stretch-marks or no.’

The cold water took her breath away and masked her weeping heart.

It didn’t weep for long, as Connie started to splash her. Joining in the fun lifted Edith’s mood, and she found she could laugh. There was so much to cry about, but that didn’t
make things better; laughing did. It healed you and made you able to cope.

Too cold to care what anyone else looked like, neither Connie nor Nancy seemed to notice the red weals on her thighs and stomach. She made no attempt to hide them. She didn’t care what
Jennifer thought, or any of them. The marks were all she had to prove that she was a mother; that she had carried and nurtured two beautiful girls in her womb. She would wear them on her body with
pride.

When they were back on duty later that day, an influx of badly injured men kept them busy. The stench around her brought the bile to her throat. She could stomach most things,
but the awful smell of rotting flesh on living humans turned her stomach and her heart.

She looked up over her mask at Mark, who was helping her to amputate a leg. ‘Mark, some of the wounded are having to travel too far to get help. There doesn’t seem to be a good
clearing station at the front any more.’

‘I know. These poor devils start off as the walking wounded. They have come back across the border from the Passchendaele battle. There are so few trucks now that it is a case of some
walking while others ride, and then they swap over. The progress is slow. Too slow to get to us, and very few seem to have had first-line treatment.’

Over the grinding noise of the saw, and with drips of her sweat running down her face, Edith said, ‘Those girls who brought them look exhausted. Will it ever end?’

‘No. It never will, for some of us. We will always carry scars.’

Not wanting the conversation to go the way Mark was leading it, Edith butted in. There was something she needed to discuss with him, as he was now the senior medic. ‘Why can’t we set
up a halfway post? I could run it. We should speak to the Red Cross administration about it. It could be on the border of Belgium and France. I am sure it would save lives.’

‘You may be right. I’ll look into it. There, that’s done. I’ll leave you to stitch it up. I need a break. I may have to go over to the French quarter later, as they are
very short-staffed.’

As if
she
didn’t need a break! But then he had agreed to talk about her idea, so that was something. Plus, if it came off, she would be so much nearer Laurent. Maybe she could get
a message to him! She would go over to the French quarter herself later on. Mark had told her how snowed under they were. It would be a distraction, and it would be good to hear the French language
again.

The post the next day warmed her heart: Eloise and Jay were married. As no one was there, or likely to go there for a while, they were going to honeymoon at Hastleford Hall and
then use it as a retreat until their own home was ready, although they would spend most of their time in London. Edith couldn’t have been happier for darling Eloise. She had seen where her
cousin’s heart lay a long time ago. And they had put her mind at rest as regards Jimmy’s Hope House, saying they had recruited wounded ex-officers and rank soldiers to fill the posts
they had held, and that they and Ada were doing a wonderful job and that everything was ticking over really well.

‘Doctor Edith, Ma’am, Captain Woodster asked me to ask you if you could go over to the French quarter. He is over there and has been there all night. It seems there is a soldier
– an officer – saying your name over and over.’

Edith’s heart jumped in her chest, giving her a painful jolt.
Could it be . . . ? Oh God, if it is, please don’t let him be badly hurt!

‘Where is he, Mark?’ Mark’s eyes were rimmed with black shadows. Her guilt made her snap at him. ‘Why didn’t you call me? I thought you were
coping, and that you had been in your bed all night, as I was!’

‘I was. Then they brought in a late batch of wounded and they couldn’t cope. I couldn’t wake you. You needed your rest.’

Shaking her head and tutting at him, she didn’t argue further, but asked, ‘You said someone was saying my name?’

‘Yes. I’m afraid he’s badly injured. And of course he could mean any Edith, but at one point he did say, “She’s a doctor.”‘