All My Heart (Count On Me Book 4) (9 page)

The way we are now, our shirts discarded on the floor, it’s as far as its going tonight and we both know it. We’ve reached the point we needed to, we’re connected more than we were before. It’s enough.

“I love you more, Kay. To infinity—”

“And beyond.”

With one
final kiss, he shifts until he’s rising off the sofa. Mirroring him, I sit up and immediately grab for my shirt on the floor.

“I want to stay there with you all night, but I didn’t shower after practice and it’s not gonna be long before it’s noticeable.” He explains and I just smile. The way he needs to fill the silence with words is cute. 

For all the changes he’s made, he’s still so unsure of himself when he’s with me. It’s another way it feels like the roles between us have reversed.

“This feels weird.”

“What does?”

“Stopping the way we did, me saying I need a shower, you just smiling about it. It’s weird, right?”

“No?”

“It’s not?”

“No, it’s not. You need to learn the definition of weird.”

He laughs and it warms me. Stopping cold the way we did, separating so quickly, it’s new to me but I don’t think it’s weird. It’s just both of us knowing our limits and trying to stick to them despite our bodies wanting the opposite.

“Belle, you know that if you told me you wanted to wait or go back to the way things were before, I’d do it right?” he stops, his eyes lowering, thinking before rising again. “Like you know that sex doesn’t matter to me, right? It’s not why I’m with you.”

This is where he’s going to lose me. I always thought it was the girl’s job to worry about things like this. Wondering if the guy only wanted them because of the way they looked, smelled or felt. It’s strange seeing it with Kayden.

It’s like he’s sitting on my front lawn again, wanting to tell me he wants to be with me and not having the nerve to get the words out even though he’s one of the most confident guys I know.

“Is that what you think I believe?”

“No, I just wanna make sure you know.”

“I know you’ve got
more experience than I do, Kay. It makes me nervous about what comes next because I want to be good enough for you, but I know that you would wait if I wanted to.”

“Wait, what?”

Did he really not hear me?

“How much experience do you think I
have? And you can’t really believe you wouldn’t be good enough. Holy shit. Do I make you feel that way?”

Before I can answer he’s moving toward me again but instead
of repeating the way we’d been a few minutes ago, he drops to his knees in front of me, his eyes on mine, not even blinking. His lips drawn tight.

Taking his hand and placing it on mine until our fingers are joined, he leans in, his eyes never leaving me, speaking slowly.

“I’ve never been with a girl the way I have with you, Belle. Ever. And I don’t plan on taking that step unless it’s with you. Not being good enough for me is impossible. It’s the rest of the world that can never measure up.”

The reality of what he admitted makes anything I migh
t have said pointless. I’m speechless.

I
assumed because he had girlfriends before we got together that he had been with them. There is still so much I don’t know about the guy that owns my heart.

So much I still need to learn.

“You’ve never been with another girl?”

“Never.”

The truthfulness of his answer, I think I’ve fallen even more in love with him and it has nothing to do with him being a virgin and everything to do with the fact that it’s not just me he wants to make our first time epically perfect for.  It’s him too.

Chapter Nine

Kayden

I’m coming home. Fuck Toronto. Fuck the stupid scholarship. I’m never leaving again.

After what happened earlier with Belle saying what she did and learning a truth about me she obviously didn’t know, I wasn’t sure I could get the night back on track. I knew I needed to for a few reasons, the least of which was the way any mention of sex and her in the same sentence turned me inside out, but I seriously doubted I’d be able to do it.

Turns out she was going to do it for me.

~*~*~

Taking my shower while she goes to make us something to eat, the awkwardness is thick between us when I’m out and I’ve joined her at the table.

I want to bring up what we talked about before, but knowing how she feels about it now, what she wants to share with me and how determined I am that it can’t happen yet, it keeps my mouth shut. It’s only when she places a plate of my favorite food down in front of me and makes her way over to her own seat that she makes me forget about the awkwardness completely.

“Kay, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Considering where we were a year ago, her wanting to talk to me about anything is like music to my ears. So nodding my head before turning my attention back down to the plate of ramen noodles and hotdogs, I anticipate what’s about to come next.

“Something happened on Wednesday.”

So much for eating.

“Like what?”

If she tells me that she went to the doctor again, I don’t know what I’ll do. The only time she’s ever kept anything from me was when she did that, at the time under the mistaken belief that going alone was doing right by me. I don’t want a repeat of last year. I can’t imagine this girl keeping things from me when she doesn’t have a deceitful bone in her body.

“School.”

“What happened? You make progress with Isaac?”

She nods and then stops before shaking it, which does nothing but confuse the hell out of me. I get that it’s got something to do with the guy she wants to help but her shaking her head is where she loses me.

“It’s got to do with him, but not in the way you think.”

Placing the fork down on the table, I lean back in my chair. It’s obvious I’m not going to be able to eat through this, so I might as well give up trying.

“Tell me everything.”

“Don’t freak out, okay?”

I’m not going to like this if she’s worried about me losing it.

“No promises. What happened?”

“There’s these two guys in class with us. I don’t know why since they don’t seem to care about writing, but something happened with them after class.”

This is what I’m afraid of. Leaving her to fend for herself means that I’m not here when something like what she’s attempting to tell me happens. I can’t protect her being a million miles away.

“Did they hurt you?”

“No. They tried something, but Isaac stopped it.”

Fuck. I can hear her words and I know she wasn’t hurt, but it’s blocked out by the intense pounding in my head. My blood pressure is rising knowing there are two assholes out there that got within a foot of my girl and I wasn’t there to end them.

“What did they do, Belle?”

“I told you about them the last time you were here. They pick on Isaac and say things to me about hooking up with them when I’m done with the mute kid. I ignore it, but Isaac couldn’t and he got angry. It was scary, Kay.”

I don’t know this Isaac guy, but right now I wanna shake his hand for stepping in when I couldn’t. God, going away was the worst mistake of my life. Screw this future. It’s not much of one if she’s not around to be in it.

Guys are sick pigs. I should know. I’m one of them, or I was. I know the kind of shit they would say to Belle. She has no idea how fucking sexy she is, so to her, it’s all just more bullying instead of guys being disgusting idiots. Of course they’re gonna react to her. It’s the reason they’re doing it though that sets me off.

It’s because of this kid she wants to help.

“There’s something you’re not telling me.”

Her head lowers and I know I’m right. Talking about how angry Isaac was, it means there’s a reason for it. One that I need to know right now before I completely lose my shit and flip the damn table over because of the frustration I feel.

“One of the guys grabbed me.”

“Grabbed you how?”

“He grabbed my wrist pretty tight. It hurt for a second or so, but Isaac stepped in.”

“You lied to me.”

“When?” she asks and her eyes match up with her words. She really has no idea what I’m talking about.

“I asked you if they hurt you and you said no.”

“I didn’t lie.”

“Yes,” I sigh. “You did. If they grabbed you and you say it hurt, even for a second, it means you got hurt. Fuck, Belle!”

I don’t mean to snap at her and I definitely don’t mean to slam my fist down on the table, but this shit, it’s like last year all over again. I’m gonna lose my mind over it. Anyone being close enough to touch her in any way, it’s not allowed. No fucking way.

If I’m not careful, I’m pretty sure my heads going to explode with the rage building. It’s something I can’t let her see. Not when I’ve been doing so good at controlling it.

The one thing the distance has made easier.

“I’m sorry, Kay.”

“Don’t be.” I answer quickly, wanting to kick my own ass for yelling and scaring her. I know how she deals with this kind of thing. I should know better. “I know that we agreed I would stay in Toronto and do what I needed to do, but I can’t do that if this shit is happening.”

She nods and focuses her attention on the table, confirming what I already knew. I scared the shit out of her.

Way to go, Walker.

“I’m glad your friend did something, but he’s not going to get the chance to do it again.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’m coming home, Belle.”

“You can’t do that!” She cries and my heart snaps in half. It’s like we’re in high school all over again and she’s crying out to stop what I’m about to do to her friend.

“You really expect me to go back after what you just told me?”

“Yes. You need to go back.”

“Why?”

“Because your life is there.”

Oh hell no. There are so many times that her being naïve and seeing things differently is sweet to me, but this is not one of them. There is no way I’m letting her think that my life is in Toronto.

“My life is here. You—are—my—life.” I spell out and even though her head is still angled toward the table, I see her cheeks flush. I’ve said something sweet again. Even in a tense moment like this, seeing her like that is enough to break up the anger boiling over inside me.

“I know you think me being in Toronto, playing ball and taking classes is what I’m supposed to be doing and maybe you’re right, but I hate it. I’ve hated every second of my time there because it’s not where I want to be. It’s not where my heart wants to be. I need and want to be here with you. I need you to understand that and not argue against me coming home.”

She doesn’t say anything for a few minutes and I start to worry that somewhere in what I said I’ve done something wrong, but just when I’m about to start over, say things different, her head lifts and I see her eyes glazed over and glowing because of the tears sitting in the edges of them.

“You can’t protect me forever, Kayden. I’m not a piece of china.”

“No, you’re right. You’re not a piece of china, or even made of glass. You’re more important than all of those things and I won’t ever stop wanting to protect you. Let me do this, Belle, please. Let me come home to you.”

She wants to fight, I can see it. Her body is not as relaxed as it was earlier, the way she’s sitting is straighter, more determined. I really hope she won’t fight me. I hate being this way with her. My time here isn’t supposed to go down like this. 

“I don’t want you to regret this.”

“The only regret I’m going to have is not being here when you needed me most, so that’s easy.”

“Okay Kayden.”

“Okay what?”

“Come home.”

~*~*~

I meant every word I said even though it didn’t exactly come out the way I wanted it to in my head. Going away to school might have been the right thing to do at the time, but it became obvious pretty quickly that my heart wasn’t in it.

What I see for my future, I can achieve just as easily here in Wexfield than I can in the major cities that surround us and I should have made that damn argument from the start. It was a misstep but one I won’t make again. I know what my life is like in Toronto and I know what it’s like every weekend here and I’m done being two different people.

I want to be one person, for the only other person in the world that deserves it.

With the nosedive this night has already taken, I’m not looking forward to what I’ve got to do now. She’s not the only one that’s got something to lay on the table, even though it’s been hours since that conversation and we’re now cuddled on the sofa.

“Are you still awake?” I lean over and whisper, hoping that if she is asleep, what I’ve said is quiet enough not to wake her.

“Yeah.”

“I got a call earlier.”

“What kind of call?”

“Dean’s lawyer.”

“Again?”

“Yeah, but this time, it was something completely different.”

“How so?”

“He wants a visit, which is the same shit he’s pulled before, but according to Tom, someone came to visit him.”

“Someone like who?”

“He didn’t tell me. Client privilege or something.”

“What do you want to do?”

“I don’t want to see him. When he got sentenced, it should have been the end.”

Isabelle is one of the most sympathetic people I know. She cares about everyone. The only one that doesn’t seem to extend to, or at least it hasn’t since she found
me last fall, is my brother. After what she walked in on, I guess something in her broke and any sympathy she might have had for my asshole brother went out the window.

At least it did until now.

There’s something different in her eyes. It’s a look I’ve seen directed at me, Eric and even Amelia after everything happened with Tim. She’s sympathizing with my brother.

“What are you thinking?”

“Kay, I know that it could turn out to be another trick, but I think you should do it.”

Well,
that’s not what I expected to hear.

“You want me to go see Dean?”

“If you want to, yes. I don’t want you to do it for me and I won’t tell you what to do. It’s your decision, but if someone went there to see him and that’s what’s causing this now, maybe you need to go and find out who it is and what they want.”

“Dean shouldn’t get a say in anything I do anymore. I don’t want to give him any more control.”

I’m not sure why I say this, she knows it already, but now that it’s out I can’t and won’t take it back. Going to see Dean, even if I am curious, is giving him control over my life again. That night last year should have been the end of it.

“He doesn’t get a say. You’re going there for answers. You get them and you leave. He gets nothing.”

“He gets what he wants.”

“In a way, but so do you. You get answers and a way to end this.”

“I thought you would agree with me.” I answer honestly, more than a little surprised by the way she’s acting even though I really shouldn’t be. This is the way Belle has always been.

“Do what feels right, Kay. I’m not telling you to go see him, but if you want answers, you know it’s the only way you’re going to get them.”

She’s right. Of course she is.

“I don’t know if I can go there alone.”

“Then don’t.”

“You gonna explain what you mean by that?”

She grins and seeing it, it’s impossible not to return it with one of my own.

“If you want to go see Dean, you won’t have to go alone because I’ll be with you.”

Yep. There it is.

The exact reason I’m going to head back to Toronto on Sunday and start the ba
ll rolling for my transfer home. Back to her.

Right where I belong.

Belle

Not being able to talk this week as much as we have been normally, it was only a matter of time before thi
ngs came up that weren’t the best and we had a moment that wasn’t perfect.

Kayden’s anger at dinne
r, I knew it was coming. I know the way he is and even though he’s done so much over the last year to change that part of himself, I always know it’s there under the surface. After everything he went through, if he wasn’t like that it would worry me more.