“Well, we are at the beach,” I announce, “you can walk around without one. It’s allowed here.” I slip on a fresh pair of boxy underwear and prepare to head down for coffee.
“Hey,” I say, pausing from patting down and soothing out my hair, “this will be my first walk of shame.” I smile, almost proudly.
Alec licks his lips. His eyes narrow, slipping me a curious glance.
“What have I created?” he asks, looking askance. He pulls me by the waist, taking me in for a sensual kiss and my mind reels. “You know, I must admit that I do rather like your bossy side, love.” The corner of his eyes crinkle. “It actually works to my advantage.” Alec smacks me on my behind, lifting and gripping the cheek to diminish the sting. I had no idea before meeting him how much I really do enjoy that.
“My turn to freshen up,” he says. “I’ll meet you downstairs.”
I frown, as if I don’t understand.
“Oh, you’re insatiable.” He groans, but nevertheless Alec starts to walk away. “You can keep the shirt, love, since I’m keeping something of yours.” He turns, shooting me a wink as he strolls out of the bedroom. My damp, lacy panties are in his back pocket, sticking out like a casual hand cloth.
I’m floored and deliciously riled, again.
“Everything alright, mate?” I hear Alec greet, and I can only assume it’s Jason at the bottom of the stairs.
“Would you look at that?” Jason confirms my supposition. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a happier man. Good morning, Caroline.”
I cringe.
Jay’s tormenting me, and I haven’t even run into Sofie yet.
Whatever.
Let’s just get this over with.
I march out barefoot, totally aware I’m in underwear—which isn’t all that racy or suggestive, but still, it’s underwear—and the only lining between the world and my boobs is Alec’s shirt. But I’m feeling really saucy; somewhat cheeky—obviously, in my situation—and just particularly in a fun, spicy mood. I feel like I’m living in a child’s picture, like the drawing Sofie’s niece made for me, and I keep over my desk at the office. Maya is a sparkly, glitter-happy kid, and I feel like hot pink today, all new and draped in tinsel and sequins. I feel like sharing my shiny flecks of excitement all around town, tossing sprinkles of my ridiculous pleasure and contentment to everyone I see.
“Who’s that?” I ask, picking up on the sound of tires scrunching gravel midway down the staircase. Jason elongates his neck, catching sight of the approaching vehicle.
“Not sure,” he says. “Hey, babe!” Jay hollers as he reaches the front door, “are you expecting anyone?”
“Not me,” Sofie answers, coming in to the living room with a mug in her hand. She smiles widely at me.
“What?” I say defensively. For an instant I’m so thrown that I may actually laugh with her instead of rebuking the growing amusement in her eyes. It is, after all, a funny, peculiar situation I’m in.
“I never had you pegged for a screamer,” she says, “and for a while Jay and I thought you’d need a defibrillator.”
Ugh.
I clench my fists tightly at my side.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I lie, reconsidering my quasi-naked form now that someone’s about to pop in on us.
Jay groans. “The thing with all this salt air is,” he says, struggling with the door, “that it tends to expand wood, and,” he grunts, “this needs to be unhinged again.”
The door is yanked open, and I’m looking straight at the yellow cottage across the street. A large, golden lab is on the lawn, fascinated by a small, stocky Pug as the owners call for him, reprimanding the lab’s bad manners. I chuckle at the scene, and out of nowhere—more than anything has ever been out of nowhere in the history of time—a male body appears, censoring my view.
I feel like I’ve been slammed into a wall, or maybe I’m on a sinking ship. A bow or dart has been shot through my chest because I’m definitely not breathing very well. I also can’t tell for certain if my wobbly legs have folded, but as blurry as my field of vision is becoming, I’m registering the person approaching the porch.
Ryan.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“I missed you, baby!” Ryan beams, advancing swiftly towards me as Jay pushes me out to the porch, shutting the blasted door behind us.
I’m spiralling. The moment is more dreamlike than disconcerting. The world drops to a low grade hum as the common weal of humanity fades into oblivion. The town feels muted as my brain comes-to from an anesthetic weight.
The front door opens again, and I shudder as it slams closed.
Oh, can people please stop coming out of the house!
I thought Jay said it was problematic, instead the door seems to be over-performing, totally and frustratingly functional. I sense Sofie joining us, which is a good sign. My mind isn’t in total deep freeze after all.
I swallow…
Fuck
… and puff out the long breath of air wedged between my lungs and throat.
Ryan.
My blood runs cold.
Ryan is here.
I’ve lost perception of time and reality because I can’t gauge exactly when Ryan managed to gather me in his arms. He’s hugging me, wrapping his arms around my very braless torso, and Alec’s t-shirt is caught in between.
“Let’s make a deal,” he says. “I won’t go on another trip without you, if you never leave me again.”
My lack of reaction puzzles him. Ryan looks sceptical, leaning away to give me a sidelong glance. “You look different,” he says. “What’s up with you, baby?” He clears his throat. “And you’re not wearing very much, Care.”
“Excuse
you
,” Sofie jumps in.
Shit.
“But this was Caroline’s first trip to anywhere, and you couldn’t even give her that, could you, Ryan?”
Ryan’s hold loosens, and he composes himself so he can shoot daggers at his greatest foe. I know I need to start talking. I must speak up, but this is too dreadful.
“Sof, honey. Don’t,” Jason intercedes.
“Don’t worry, Sofie. I’m not going to rain on your parade. I’ll stay somewhere in town for the night.” Ryan’s demeanour is quietly determined. His gaze shifts, and I blanch. My mother would have a seizure if she caught me turning so pale and frigid.
“I’m Jason.”
Oh, thank fuck!
Ryan’s looking at Jay. He’s not looking at the man I just rolled out of bed with, who happens to still be somewhere inside. I reckon Jason’s eager for me to get a grip because he comes up beside me, his hand on my back to steady me, or maybe even nudge me on. Ryan isn’t impressed. His brown eyes sear.
“I’m Sofie’s boyfriend,” Jay goes on. “Caroline, introduce us.”
I’ll never find my voice with my lungs resuming their hyper breathing.
“You wearing Jason’s shirt, Caroline?” Ryan baits, and I look down, forgetting for an instant what’s cladding my cold, prickly skin.
Alec.
“Yeah, she sure is, dude,” Jay butts in. His laughter goes on for longer than normal. “But don’t believe the hype. Girls are slobs! She couldn’t find anything of hers in the mess they’re living in, so I told Caroline to help herself to whatever she could find in Sofie’s room.” His hands are flighty, matching spastic, short, jerky movements. “Because I’m staying in Sofie’s room. Caroline’s got her own room, and to be honest, man, it’s a hole in a wall. It’s really too small for more than one person, and no dude wants to be caught in there. It’s all white and pastel—real drag to look at. Not that I’ve been in there, but I rent out the house for the owners so that’s why I know.”
Jay turns to Sofie for help. I think we’re all a little exhausted from his yakking, including Ryan.
“Honey,” Jay pleads, “can you corroborate, please. Maybe sometime today would be nice.”
“I don’t know what to tell you, stud,” Sofie joins in. “I’ve never seen that shirt before,” she provokes, and my heart leaps into my mouth, giving my voice the ride up it desperately needs.
“Ryan,” I croak. But now what? What do I want to say, damn it! What do I need to articulate here besides the words
holy fuck
? Where’s the courage I spent the night convincing Alec I had? Where’s that strength of mind and my strength of character? I had willpower, purpose, and grit mere what… minutes ago, hours? It all feels so long ago already.
“This one’s a hoot,” Jason tries again. I love him for it, but he really needs to stop talking. “You’re hilarious, babe. Seriously,” Jay squeezes Sofie at the shoulders, “tell the guy what a slob Caroline is on vacation. Sof’s just clowning around, Ryan. That’s definitely my shirt.”
This isn’t fair. The confusion and impatience saturating Ryan’s face is too excessive to bear. He doesn’t deserve this deception. He never warranted any kind of pretext or trickery at all, and these shenanigans are to save my cheating ass and stall the inevitable. This man drove all the way to surprise me. Ryan missed me, and I’m so lucky to have experienced his sweet heart that I’m about to rip out from his lovely chest.
I hang my head at the sight of his grinding jaw. I really was going to be honest with him, but I never imagined it would have to be here. How will he drive back with the explosive anger and sadness that will understandably rise out of him after this? There’s so much more to consider. It’s not just an emotional upheaval; I’m jeopardizing his physical health.
“Do you have something you need to talk to me about, Care?”
It’s alarming how much he looks and sounds like a boy—a sweet, scared boy. How can I devastate a boy? Am I really going to be that callous?
I nod sheepishly.
Well, I guess that answers that.
“Am I allowed to talk to my girl alone, Sofie, or do you have a problem with that, too?” Ryan rouses, but Jason does the smart thing and leads her inside before she can respond.
Oh God.
I’m already sapped by all of this, and it hasn’t even begun. My chest caves in, and my shoulders curl forward. My stomach hurts.
“I think we should sit,” I say, avoiding his eyes.
“I think we’ll stand,” he retorts vehemently.
I want to reach up to calm his impossible nerves, or ease the blow somehow, but I no longer have the right to do such a thing. I’m barely even the girlfriend, anymore.
Jason exits the cottage when Ryan begins shouting, practically shielding me from the words he’s spitting out.
“You expect me to believe it’s not about this guy?” Ryan roars.
“It’s not,” I cry. “You must know he’s with Sofie. Jason and I are not a thing, and it’s really not about that.”
“So what?” he says, disbelieving. “I guess I’m missing the point. I must be, since I’ve obviously fallen for your little good-girl act.”
I shrink back.
“What is it really about, Caroline?”
“Dude, come inside to do this,” Jason warns.
Inside
, I repeat in my head.
No
.
“We’re fine here,” Ryan declines.
I consider starting over, but there is no good place to start, so I choose a kick off point and run with it.
“Ryan,” I utter, “I told you. I’ve never been separated from my mother…”
“Her again?” He sighs, and I close my eyes, willing a timeout.
“Give her a chance,” Jason says firmly.
In the momentary silence, I recruit an effort to pass over Ryan’s scorn for my mother. I try grasping his perspective on all of this. I can empathize because there is some value to his annoyance and exasperation. I feel awful that he’s wasted precious time from his life on me, and I can’t let him go on that way anymore.
“This is about me,” I say, sickened from the idea of selling such a trite excuse. It’s the stalest formula known to breaking couples, and yet, in some instances, it’s the purest truth. Of course, the one forced to hear it may probably never know how raw and agonizingly honest the source relaying the words has ultimately been. There’s misery at my end, too, but this is about encouraging and supporting Ryan. He’ll need the most consoling after this.
“Why are you even here?” Ryan confronts Jay.
Jay stiffens.
“We’re all on edge,” Jason explains, “and I promised my girl I’d stay at Caroline’s side. So dude, it’s either me or Sofie. Sorry, man but this is the way it’s gonna be.”
Ryan swallows; his muscles and veins cord his neck. They strain at his skin, and his deep, brown eyes are wide, showing all their whites. My hands are fists. He’s shaking, and I’m growing nervous and even afraid. I need to put us out of our misery, and I’m not so flustered that I can’t acknowledge Sofie is probably dying inside. Undoubtedly, she wants to be out here with me, but it’s more than likely she’s keeping an eye on Alec, and it’s Alec insisting Jay help me deal with this.
I know Ryan. I don’t expect him to become aggressive, but given what Alec’s grown up with, I can understand why he’d take precaution.
“Ryan,” I pick up again, “this is about me, and the way I’ve been going on about things.” I twist the hem of Alec’s shirt as I try maintaining eye contact. “There are situations and people I’ve let get the better of me, and I realize now how regulated and restrained I’ve been.” I heave a few breaths. “In turn, you were caught in the effects of my repercussions, and for that I am so sorry.”
He’s frowning, looking muddled as ever. How can I put this so he can understand?
“I never gave you one hundred percent because I’m not a hundred percent. You’re this nice, normal, patient guy, and I latched on because you were calming and easy when all I knew was chaos and madness. I wanted us to work, but I didn’t put work into
us
.”
Ryan’s eyes shut, and I think he looks pained, but when they pin their glare at me I discern how livid he is.
“This is about Sofie, isn’t it?”
“What? No!”
Jay’s demeanour is stiffly on guard, almost menacing.
“She dragged you here,” Ryan bellows. “She got into your head and convinced you to what? Break up with me? Is this what we’re doing, Caroline? You’ve barely called me this entire time! Didn’t you think I’d be suspicious?”
Now I’m the one not understanding
his
point. Back home, Ryan’s always mentioning how seldom I call compared to how much he reaches out to me. He also says I give him a lot of space compared to other clingy women he’s known. Did I really contact him any less than he’s accustomed to?
“Ryan, please,” I say, “understand that I had no business getting involved with you because I wasn’t ready for that kind of intensity or commitment. I wasn’t looking forward to breaking out of my routine this week, but once I was here I faced my demons, and I’m starting fresh. I had time to think, and I want this. I want to start fresh, and I’m so sorry for what that means for us.”
“So, I have no place in this fresh, new life of yours?”
I freefall. He’s heartbreakingly pitiable. It’s tragic, and in this very instant, I decide he doesn’t need to hear about Alec. This is enough. I can’t wreck Ryan any more than I have. I need to try to make him see the light. I am anything but good for him.
“Don’t you think,” I say, daring to step closer, “that if I was really right for you I would have come out here and desperately missed us? Wouldn’t I call more to tell you all about my revelations? Wouldn’t I include you?” I muster newfound courage. “If we were ever right, then wouldn’t
you
have noticed how stressful it was for me to leave on holiday and to miss out on my Mom’s therapy? Wouldn’t you have thought about me being here, having no fun at all while I’m finally on vacation and showed me you loved me enough to step in if things got rough at home?”
I suck in a breath, worried I’ve made him sound inadequate when this is entirely about me. This is something I should have diagnosed in our relationship and established months ago. But as tired as I am from all this identifying and resolving, I’m aware it takes two to tango. I’d really rather be fully culpable. I’m responsible for the worst part—the cheating part—and I can’t make this about him.
“Honestly, Care, I don’t know how to deal with your mother. I don’t get whatever it is she has.”
“See,” I say, reaching the punchline, “that’s because I never allowed you to
get
it. I spared you, and I spared us. You also never asked.”
Ryan laughs a sad, defeated snicker, and Jason’s squeeze at my elbow tells me to bring this to a close.
“Don’t you see, Ryan, that we were both happy living in our comfort zones? We were nice together but we never really… I don’t know… lit up… and yet we still managed to burn out.”
An almost cruel smile plays at his lips, and I scrunch the bottom of Alec’s shirt for strength and steadiness, dragging it lower for added coverage. I’m adrift without his proximity and guidance, and it dawns on me how I’ll have to reach out and reassure Alec all over again after this catastrophe.
I watch Ryan totter towards his car, imagining how excited he must have been to surprise me and then to be hit by all of this. I’m almost peaceful as I send him fond, silent wishes, imploring a safe journey home, and call upon all that is good in the world to find him.
Ryan ducks into his car, fiddling inside a rucksack as humanity picks up around me again. Gulls commence their cawing, kites take flight, and seaweed dries under the sun to diffuse the air. My verve had been washed away like footprints in the sand, restored by another set of imprints in this circle of life and proving the great scheme of things. Jason ambles away, granting me solitude as I watch Ryan prepare to go, but he comes around the car with something more to say. In fact, Ryan’s a freight train.
“You know what, Caroline. You deserve to see this,” he slurs, outraged.
Ryan thrusts a blue box under my nose, and I jump back. He continues, drawing out a black ring box from its interior, and I’m forced a peek of a dazzling, absolutely overwhelming ring. He yanks it, gripping it between his fingers.
“This is what I put in, Caroline. This was my investment in us, and do you know what you gave me?” he roars. “Nothing!”
He hurls the empty boxes at my face, and they reach their destination. I’m hit with his fury, and a burst of activity escapes the cottage. Ryan looks over to the commotion.
“And who the fuck is this guy?” he growls as Alec’s frame materializes.
Oh God, no!
Jason also turns up, his arms extended, refereeing the shuffle. Alec’s hair is in such disarray, undoubtedly he was running his hands through it to tame the maddening urge to intercede the entire time.