All Roads Lead Home (28 page)

“Hey,” he said, as he lifted my chin so I could look at him. “Talk to me. Is this too much, too soon?”

I let out a sigh as he held me.

“Yes, it may be. Jagger, this trip was never supposed to be permanent for me. I came home to find closure in Jamie’s death and the wreckage I left behind. To make peace with my parents while trying to find a little for myself. To see you again has brought it all back for me. The feelings are still there. It’s like time has just stopped, and we were on a holding pattern. Now we’ve been cleared for take-off, and it’s just a matter of what direction to take. I just can’t see myself giving up everything I’ve worked for in New York to come back here and start over. I know, selfish, right?”

“I wasn’t going to say that. It makes you honest. You were honest then, and you’re still honest now. But who says you have to start over? I can move to New York. I’ll follow you this time around.”

“No! I will never ask you to do that.”

“You didn’t. I offered.”

“Jagger, please don’t do this.”

“Don’t do what? Love you? Want you? Don’t you see? It’s impossible to move on without you. I tried that once, and I epically failed. Every woman I fucked in the last five years paled in comparison to you. All I saw was you. I want no one else. When Jamie listed all the reasons why his best friend shouldn’t date his kid sister, we proved to him that he was wrong. I knew I loved you way before you ever told me how you felt. I was scared and didn’t want you to laugh in my face. When you finally took a chance on me and trusted me with your heart, I did the same. Please, baby, trust your heart now, and I’ll trust mine. This right here is where we can start over, or we can have that in New York. I can do anything as long as I know you’ll be waiting for me when I come home.”

“You would really give up everything you have here in Wyoming to move to New York to be with me? Your ranch. The beautiful home you spent five years building. Your family. You would say goodbye to all of that for me?”

“In a heartbeat,” he answered with no hesitation. “I let you go once because I refused to see no other way of life beyond what I was living. In the end, I had no life without you. I don’t want to feel like that again. Having you here with me now almost feels like a dream. I’m afraid to wake up and realize that’s all it was, but then I touch you, I feel your skin against mine, I feel how your body reacts when I do and the loss it feels when I stop. We were just on a break, baby, a long vacation, but it’s time to come home now, and my home is where you are. Ten, just think about it, please? Take the time to really think about it, okay?”

“Okay.” He accepted my one syllable answer, and we drove the rest of the way in silence. As we pulled away, I couldn’t help but look at the massive work of art Jagger had built, and most of it with his own hands. He never ceased to amaze me and what he could do once he made up his mind. Although this home was technically on the Parrish Ranch, it was far away from the main house where his parents still lived. Jagger had it built on his own acres that was separate from the rest of the land and properties.

He told me that once he cleaned himself up and refocused on the ranch, that’s when his father signed over the deed to him. The house was always Jagger’s, but now the land was his too. This was his dream, it always was.

Jagger, Jamie, and Shane were natural born cowboys following in their father’s footsteps, paving the way for their own legacies to be passed down. Jamie never lived long enough to see his dream and what would come for him, but he made the most out of the time he did have. Every day he worked the ranch side by side with my father, along with the other ranch hands. My father’s ranch was considered the crown jewel of all of Wyoming. It was the top grossing ranch in the state, and one of the top ten in the entire country.

Now Jagger has offered me his crown jewel to share with him. His home, his land, his heart. All I have to do is say “Yes,” but I’m still struggling and I don’t understand why.

We were at the main house, and I had not yet put my truck in park, Jagger leaned over and did it for me. He wanted me to stay with him tonight, but I needed to get back. I still had so much to talk to him about, but my head was pounding and I just wanted to go to sleep.

“Tenley, will you look at me please?” his voice sounded so small.

Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
I was barely holding on to my resolve with Jagger slowly chipping away at it. I was helplessly falling back into our old rhythm we once shared. He held my face where I could look at him.

“Will I see you tomorrow?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Good, I was hoping you would say that. I kind of feel like I have to ask. You’re not giving too much away right now, emotion-wise.”

“Jagger, that’s the problem. All I’m feeling is emotion, and I don’t know how to put my feelings into words.”

“That’s okay baby, I don’t need to hear them right now, just show me.”

“How?”

“Kiss me. Kiss me like the first time you knew you loved me. Is that what you want?”

“Yes.” I said, almost breathless.

“How much do you want it, Tenley?” He leaned in and stroked his fingers along my cheek, inching closer to my mouth.

Oh if he only knew how much. I was about five seconds away from pouncing on him.

“Please kiss me, Jagger.” I whispered. He did with so much love and passion. I wanted more, but I pulled away.

“I love you, Tenley. Don’t run, please. Just have faith this time around.”

He kissed me again and then hopped down from my truck. His father greeted him at the door and waved goodbye to me.

I don’t deserve him,
I thought as I made my way home.

My house was dark when I arrived back home. I had totally missed dinner with my parents, but thankfully they understood why. I made my way into the house and found a note waiting for me on the entry way table.

Dear Tenley,

We’re staying in the cabin tonight. Daddy will be with Sky. She’s about to deliver her new foal, and I’ll be helping him. See you in the morning.

Love,

Mom

Relief washed over me after reading mama’s note. With all that was thrown at me today, I had just enough I could take. I made my way upstairs to my room, and all I wanted to do was fall asleep and think of nothing until morning.

But that’s when I found it: another letter addressed to me on my side table.
Another letter from Jamie.
How many more are there?

Wendy must have left it for me when she was here earlier. I sat with my back to my headboard and turned on the radio. Rascal Flatts was playing, “Here.” I held Jamie’s letter and listened to every word coming through the radio. My tears flowed like a faucet. If there ever was a perfect song that described Jagger and me, this was it. I ripped open the letter and began reading my brother’s words.

Hey Darling,

How ya doing? I swear to you these letters are not meant to hurt you. They are to help and guide you. You’re probably thinking why I’ve taken on the role of knowing what’s best for you better than you do, but as your big brother, it’s kind of my job. We had that special connection between us, little sis. I always knew what you were thinking before you usually shouted it out. Do you still do that? I’m actually smiling right now because you would go from 0 to 50 in a second. It’s no wonder why you chose law to pursue as a career. My natural born fighter, you always were. Which brings me to my next question: Are you still fighting? Fighting that impossible wall that you’ve put up? It doesn’t have to be that hard, especially when it comes to love.

This letter is just a reminder for you to look at what’s in front of you, who’s standing in front of you with his heart in his hand and waiting for you to take it. You don’t always have to have all the answers to your questions. It’s like a roller coaster. Do you remember when we went to Disneyland, and you wouldn’t go on Space Mountain? I practically dragged you onto the ride
—
your tears nearly broke me sweet girl
—
but then I held your hand and promised you there was nothing to be afraid of. You trusted your big brother, and you had so much fun, you begged me to go back on. It was the first drop that you were most scared of. The part where you are on the edge and once there, no turning back. You just have to go for it. You gripped my hand and shouted as loud as you could, but then you let go and allowed yourself to feel the rush of the excitement flow through you. Well, baby girl? That’s what love is, and if you’re on the roller coaster ride right now, then open your eyes, let go, and allow yourself the ride of a lifetime. Do you want that? I hope you do, sweetheart, because I want that for you and my best friend. Let go and just love him.

Let him love you back, and see where the wind takes you. Listen to your heart this time. Follow your heart and don’t question it. I love you, little sister. Remember, I’ll be watching.

Love,

Jamie

“Oh Jamie! How did you know? How could you have known that this is what became of my life? I have everything I could want in this lifetime and the next, but I sit here and question every thought. I feel strangled by my fear. Am I afraid to take this risk with my heart? This is what I keep asking myself. Why am I making it so hard? I think you’re wrong, Jamie, you did have a crystal ball and saw my future before I could actually live it. These letters are a big ‘I told you so’ in-your-face reminders of how I chose wrong.”

“Please Jamie, your words may not be enough, I need a sign to lead me in the direction I need to walk toward. Do I take a chance and try with Jagger again? Could I easily just fall back into step with him, and so casually walk away from my life in New York? This is what I need concrete proof on. I need to know that I’m choosing right this time.”

“I miss you so much, Jamie. Your smile, especially your smile. Your faith in me is so strong. You always knew how I ticked, and which way the wind blew in my direction. I wish I had that now. It just doesn’t seem fair. Our time together was not long enough, big brother. I know I can’t blame myself for you dying. I wanted to be your savior, the hero that saved her big brother from his big bad cancer. For a while, I was, but I guess God had another plan. I don’t blame him anymore. I don’t think I really ever did, it was just my grief talking for me.”

“I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, big brother, but I promise to
try
. I promise not to stay trapped in my past and concentrate on my present. As for the future? You have to be patient with me and give me some time. Good night, Jamie. Keep watching me from heaven.”

I tucked his letter under my pillow, and tears poured from my eyes. These were the times where I missed my brother the most. If I closed my eyes, I could picture Jamie smiling and practically see his faith in me materialize. He was my hero, my big brother. I fell asleep to the sounds of Ed Sheeran. Listening to love songs and dreaming of Jagger, finally lulled me into a much needed slumber. I was on Space Mountain again, readying myself to let go. The screams from the other riders accelerated my own adrenaline as I looked over to Jamie.

“Are you ready, Tumbleweed? Here comes the drop.”

I had no time to think and raised my arms up to the sky and screamed out my excitement. I felt so alive on that ride, and with Jamie by my side, I felt protected. It’s what Jagger was asking of me now. He wanted me to let go and take the ride with him.

THE MORNING LIGHT was slowly brightening my room as the day met the dawn. Surprisingly, I was feeling better. I must have cried for hours after reading Jamie’s letter, and then listening to sad love songs on the radio. I finally shut it off, and my mind too.

I gave my body a deep stretch, then opened up my laptop. I probably had hundreds of e-mails to go through and a much needed phone call to make. I knew I had to speak with Tommy today, then Mr. Steele. I had this strong feeling something wasn’t right back in New York. I mean, Tommy getting attacked on his own job site? He never had to deal with any kind of trouble for as long as I’ve known him. Sure he would have run-ins with work crews, but it never reached a physical beat down like Tommy endured. And this whole Roxy/Tommy love connection? Where the hell did that come from? He was always kind to her when he would stop by the office. I would see them chat and Roxy flirt a little, but how could she not? He was gorgeous and very available. My initial reaction surprised me, but maybe because I recently slept with him and compromised our friendship. He assured me that we would always be friends, and he would always love and care for me in that way. It was me that never wanted anything more because that was always what I wanted with Jagger.

I can say that in my head and feel it in my heart, but why can’t I say it out loud to him? He needs to hear my answer and will probably not relent until I give it. What the hell am I waiting for? Just go to him you foolish woman and take back your man. Oh god!
I can’t wait to tell this story to Zoey. She is going to flip out, but let me talk to Tommy first.