All Snug (3 page)

he said. I wondered how it would be for Mr. Shawn’s

Boyfriend to wake up and have coffee with Shawn in the

mornings. To look at that handsome face, those blue eyes,

that boyish smile over the kitchen table. Nice.

“There are all kinds of wonderful things out there just

waiting for you to try,” I told him.

“But sometimes,” he commented, pointing to his cup, “it

really is about the price of a can of coffee from Aldi’s. I just

can’t afford Peruvian every day.” He took what was obviously

an appreciative sip.

“Not it and that bed,” I said.

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Al Snug [19]

“Don’t start!” he said. “Now what is the next challenge?”

“Well, usually in things like this there is a physical

challenge….”

“Physical?” he asked.

“We could arm wrestle,” I suggested.

“Arm wrestle? Like I’d stand a chance with you!” he

cried. “Just look at your arms!”

What the hell was I supposed to do about that?

“Handball?” I asked.

“I wouldn’t have any idea how to play that,” he said.

“You know, I don’t have to make it something you can

do. That was never part of the bargain. You seemed pretty

sure you’d beat me last night.”

Shawn looked crestfallen. Damn him.

“I usually make a killing on things like that,” he said.

“People are always trying to get me involved in their charity

drives.”

“And you usually help?”

Shawn nodded. “It’s just that if I am going to be out,

going to be gay, then I have to take responsibility. I can’t just

do the fun stuff. I feel like I owe something to all the gay men

and women who paved the way, who gave us a world I could

come out in, even if it took me forever to do so.”

Damn, I thought. The little son of a bitch had a

conscience too? Cute and moral? This whole thing was going

in a direction I’d never intended. “Fine,” I said. “Then here is

the challenge. I have a friend who owns horses. Eight in fact.

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Al Snug [20]

So taking a cue from the Labors of Heracles, we are each

going to take half the stables and clean them out. The one

who is finished first, and does a better job of course, wins.”

“I’ve never been in a horse stable in my life. I wouldn’t

know where to begin.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “I don’t think I have that

much of an advantage, and do you really think I’ve ever

cleaned a stable? We’ll ask my buddy what to do, and he can

be the judge.”

“Your friend will be the judge?” Shawn asked.

“Trust me,” I said. “Carter would love nothing more than

to see me get horseshit on my hands. I’ll have no advantage

there. He thinks I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth.

Says I’m a snob.”

“A guy with eight horses thinks you’re a snob?”

I laughed. I was doing that a lot when I was around

Shawn. “Maybe I was born with a few advantages, but I’ve

worked for everything I have. Dear old Daddy wouldn’t give

me a cent until I’d proven myself. Said no son of his was

going to be lazy. He told me he would give his money to a cat

shelter first.”

“Whoa,” said Shawn. “Maybe I misjudged you as well.”

Somehow his praise made me feel nice.

“Okay,” he said. “Horse stables it is.”

“I’ll even drive,” I offered. Then I called Carter and made

the arrangements for later that afternoon.

B.G. Thomas

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I PICKED Shawn up a few hours later in front of his

apartment building, and the look on his face when he saw

my car made me almost feel ashamed. Damn it, I’d worked

hard to have my Lexus. Why should I be embarrassed?

Because, my inner voice said, your car costs more than

he’ll make in three years. It might cost more than his parents’

house. I hated my inner voice. It had almost ruined several

deals. On the other hand, it had kept me out of some pretty

suspicious ones as well.

Shawn didn’t say anything, though, and I wasn’t going

to either. For some reason I’d gotten uncomfortable. Did he

think I was trying to show off? Why did that even matter to

me?

“Music?” I asked trying to fill the silence.

“Sure,” he said.

“There’s a case in the glove compartment,” I said. “Pick

out a CD.”

A few minutes later we were both rocking to Lady Gaga.

“I figured you were more of an Aida kind of guy,” he said.

“Giuseppe Verdi or Tim Rice and Elton John?” I asked.

“I didn’t know the guy’s name,” Shawn said. “But the

first one is the one I was thinking.”

“I have both,” I admitted. “But I bet you’ll find Sir

Elton’s in that case.”

Shawn was smiling that smile of his, and suddenly the

mood was light again. “You are a constant surprise, Elliot.”

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Al Snug [22]

“You too, Shawn,” I said. “Call me El,” I added and

surprised myself again.

“May I ask you something personal?” I asked.

“You haven’t gotten permission before,” he replied.

“How come it took you so long to come out? I mean, I’m

getting the idea it hasn’t been more than, what…?”

“A year,” he said with a sigh.

“A year?” I tried to keep the shock out of my voice. “You

came out at… thirty one? What were you doing all that time?

I mean before you came out? Were you a priest or

something?”

Shawn shook his head and there was a sad look on his

face. Shit. And things were going so well.

“I was married,” he said.

“Married?” And then I wondered why I was so surprised.

Lots of gay men got married.

“To my high school sweetheart.”

“To that Finsucker guy,” I said, trying to lighten the

mood again.

“Finsecker,” he corrected. “No, not him. Her name is,

was, is Karin. I got her pregnant. I come from a little town

about two hours from here, and that’s what you do when you

get a girl pregnant and you live in a little town. You get

married. It wasn’t too horrible. I mean, there was no way I

could have a boyfriend. Not where I grew up. Not then. Now

there are several kids flaunting their gayness. Shocked the

shit out of me.

B.G. Thomas

Al Snug [23]

“Anyway, Karin and I got married. Then she had a

miscarriage. Our parents said it was a good thing, although

it messed with Karin’s head pretty bad.”

Shawn looked out the window of the car and didn’t say

anything for a minute or so. Just when I was about change

the subject, he started up again.

“We decided not to rush things and to wait for the next

kid, which was a hell of a relief to me. I mean, I’d always

expected I would have kids. You do that in small towns too. I

just wasn’t ready. When she lost the kid, it was such a relief,

but I couldn’t tell her. She was so devastated…. And I didn’t

have anyone I could talk to.”

I turned the stereo down, trying not to be obvious about

it. There was just something awful about Lady Gaga telling

us about her bad romance at that moment.

“So we both worked and saved and got us a little house.

You can get a really nice little house for a couple thousand

dollars where I come from.”

I thought I would drive off the road I was so astonished.

A couple of thousand dollars for a house? Jesus. And I’d

estimated that my Lexus might cost more than his parents’

house? If it was anything like the one he and his wife had

bought, he could have bought fifteen houses for the price of

my car. That’s a neighborhood. No wonder he’d looked at my

car that way.

“We’d been married twelve years, and I suppose I was

happy. I loved her, you know? But I loved my best friend

Talbot a lot more, and there were a few times I thought we

were going to do it, you know? Have sex?”

B.G. Thomas

Al Snug [24]

Shawn turned red then, something I was beginning to

see he did a lot. Funny that a man in his thirties could still

do that. How long had it been since I’d blushed last? But

was he embarrassed or getting turned on? I wondered.

“We’d be camping or something, and we’d get drunk,

and it would almost happen, but I could tell he was going to

make me make the first move, and there was just no way.

What if I’d been wrong and he punched me out? I mean, the

whole town would have known and then what?”

I didn’t say a word. Shit. All I’d done was ask a simple

question, and suddenly he was opening up to me. Really

opening up. I was getting his life story.

Shawn ran his hands through his dark hair, and I could

see it was really thick. Mine was just starting to thin, and I’d

begun to realize I might be taking after my mom’s brother.

Shawn’s hair looked like it would be thick forever, and I

wondered if it would feel soft.

“Then she got pregnant again,” Shawn began again.

“She was so happy. I was like totally freaking out! Because I

had finally built up the courage to tell her I was… gay. I

wouldn’t have used that word then. I was going to tell her I

was in love with Talbot, and she got pregnant, and that was

the end of that. It was horrible, Elliot. El, I mean. Fuck.”

Shawn looked out the windshield and didn’t talk for a

few minutes. I didn’t know if I should say something or not.

Mom always told me that sometimes people just needed to

talk, and they didn’t want your comments.

After another of his pauses, he spoke up. “Then she had

another miscarriage, and the doctor advised us not to try

again. She was hysterical, and I suddenly knew it was time

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Al Snug [25]

to do or die, you know? I was picking an awful time to do it,

but it couldn’t get much worse. Not for her. But me? I was so

goddamned relieved there wasn’t going to be a baby….

Makes me a slimeball, right?”

“No,” I said, breaking my silence. “You are not a

slimeball.”

“I was that night. I told her. I told her that I had feelings

for men. I told her that the miscarriage might have been

some kind of sign from God that I was supposed to tell her.

Oh, if I’d thought things were bad before, they got even

worse then!” He suddenly laughed, and that was a horrid

little sound and unsettling as well. I figured he’d be crying,

and he was laughing. My stomach was a mess.

“She didn’t believe me at first, and then she just very

suddenly did. She told me she’d always known. She’d

watched me for years watch Talbot, and she asked if we were

lovers. I told her we weren’t, but I wished we were. She said

she’d known something was wrong in bed, because I never

touched her like she wanted to be touched.”

Shawn turned back to me, and I could see those eyes I

was getting so enamored of were filled with tears. “You know

what she did then?” And he laughed in that horrid tone

again.

I shook my head.

“She hugged me,” he replied and then looked back out

his window.

Again, I was just silent. What did you say at a time like

that? What was there to say? I couldn’t make a joke about it,

and I couldn’t say I understood, because I didn’t. I could

B.G. Thomas

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hear raw pain in his voice, but he was managing to hold

back his tears. That was the worst part of it. If he’d cried, I

could have pulled over and held him. I wanted to be

anywhere than right where I was. “Right after that I made a

really big mistake….”

“What?” I almost whispered.

“I told Talbot. I asked him to go camping with me, and

there we were in a tent just like all those other times, and I

told him, and he went apeshit. I thought he was going to kill

me. He demanded we go home, and we tore down the tent in

minutes and went home. The next day he told everybody.”

“Oh shit,” I said. “Shawn….”

“So Karin and I got a divorce, and I moved to Kansas

City. My aunt lives here, and I stayed with her until I got a

job. And that’s what I did for all those years, El.”

I reached out and laid a hand on his thigh and gave it a

squeeze.

“I didn’t mean to judge you,” I replied. “Sorry if I’ve come

across as an ass.”

“You haven’t,” he laughed and gave a little shrug. “You

are a little overwhelming.”

“I am?” I asked. Was that good or bad? I mean, it was

good if you were trying to outwit a man in business, but not