The Book of Great Funny One-Liners

First published in Australia in 2008 by
New Holland Publishers (Australia) Pty Ltd
Sydney • Auckland • London • Cape Town

www.newholland.com.au
1/66 Gibbes Street Chatswood NSW 2067 Australia
218 Lake Road Northcote Auckland New Zealand
86 Edgware Road London W2 2EA United Kingdom
80 McKenzie Street Cape Town 8001 South Africa

Copyright © 2008 New Holland Publishers (Australia) Pty Ltd
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publishers and copyright holders.

National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication Data:

ISBN: 9781741107005
eISBN: 9781921655340

Introduction

It’s Good to Be Bad

Making a Living

Men on Men and Women

Women on Women and Men

Men and Women on Boys and Girls

The Body Beautiful

Foreigners and Their Parts

Human by Correspondence

Eyesores and Sore Eyes

Movers, Warblers and Other Noise Makers

Penners and Inkers

Stages, Screens and Boxes

Playing with Balls and Other Things

Smorgasbord of Insults

The Wisdom of Bumpers

Father Machine and Mother Nature

God and Other Imponderables

The Trials of Life

Making a Dying

In
Hamlet,
William Shakespeare wrote: ‘Since brevity is the soul of wit, And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief…’

And so I shall be.

The current incarnation of the succinct funny remark is the sound bite or grab—that short selection of words designed to give us the maximum amount of bang for the minimum amount of buck, or to give it another name, the one-liner.

In a world where we run the risk of suffocation in a blizzard of information it’s nice to know that there have been many fine minds (and more than a few mediocre ones) who, in an idle moment, decided to spend their brain power on making themselves laugh, and us too, using just a few well-chosen (or unintentionally funny) words.

Herein I’ve gathered what I think are some pretty fine, short quotations that hit the nail right on the head without resorting to clichés. Use them to exercise your mind, to inspire you to come up with your own variations or steal them outright to cover up your own creative deficiencies, just like I have.

Goodness knows there are many occasions when we’d like to appear more scintillatingly witty than we usually are, so if you’re looking for a juicy phrase or if you just want to have some fun, here they are. I hope you enjoy these great funny one-liners and have the opportunity to use one or two. Enjoy.

Frank Allen

I am a drinker with a writing problem.

Brendan Behan, Irish dramatist

I’ve stopped drinking. But only while I’m asleep.

George Best, British soccer star

I’ve been told that alcohol is a slow poison. I’m in no hurry.

Robert Benchley, American humorist

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

Woody Allen, American film maker, comic and writer

I was eating a lot of frozen dinners when I realised they would probably taste better if they were warm.

Yakov Smirnoff, Ukrainian-American comedian

A nutrient is a chemical added to breakfast cereal to allow it to be sold as food.

Mike Barfield, American wit

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

George Burns, American comedian

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Rodney Dangerfield, American comedian

I never drink because I was born intoxicated.

George Russell, American jazz pianist

Prohibition is better than no liquor at all.

Will Rogers, American humorist

The best way to cure a hangover is to avoid alcohol the night before.

Cathy Hopkins, British writer

There is only one thing to be said in favour of drink and that is that it has caused many a lady to be loved that might have otherwise died single.

Finley Peter Dunne, American humorist

Have you heard about the Irishman who joined Alcoholics Anonymous? He still drinks, but under a different name.

Aubrey Dillon-Malone, British writer

The trouble with Italian food is that five or six days later you’re hungry again.

George Miller, Australian film producer

I don’t like people who take drugs—like customs officers for example.

Mick Miller, British comedian

It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave us the names of the one or two things still safe to eat.

Robert Fuoss, American writer

When I die they will write in the newspapers that the sons-of-bitches have lost their leader.

Vincent Gardenia, American actor

Princess Margaret is the Billy Carter of the British monarchy.

Robert Lacey, British biographer

At big dinners my motto always is ‘Eat it now, you can always vomit it later’.

Derek Nimmo, British actor

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4am.

Charles Pierce, American female impersonator

I slept like a baby. Every three hours I woke up looking for a bottle.

Liam O’Reilly, Irish musician

I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.

Steven Pearl, American comic

It was a French physician, naturally enough, who first described the disease known as cirrhosis of the liver.

Richard Selzer, American surgeon and author

There are two things in life I like firm and one of them is jelly.

Mae West, American actor

I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since the invention of the funnel.

Malachy McCourt, Irish-American actor

Inhabitants of underdeveloped nations and victims of natural disasters are the only people who have ever been happy to see soya beans.

Fran Leibowitz, American wit

Never serve oysters in a month that has no pay check in it.

P.J. O’Rourke, American writer

After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.

Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit

Spanish wine is foul. Cat piss is champagne compared to this sulphurous urination of some aged horse.

D.H. Lawrence, British writers

I am very fond of fresh air and royalties.

Daisy Ashford, English writer

Money is something that you have got to make in case you don’t die.

Max Asnas, Russian-American restaurateur

It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.

Philip Gibbs, English writer

Two can live as cheaply as one for half as long.

Howard Kandel, American writer

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit

They were a people so primitive that they did not know how to get money except by working for it.

Joseph Addison, English essayist

An expert is someone who has made all the mistakes that can be made, but in a very narrow field.

Niels Bohr, Danish atomic physicist

They say it’s better to be poor and happy than to be rich and miserable. But couldn’t some compromise be worked out, like being moderately wealthy and just a little moody?

John Henry, American futures trader

I don’t really have anything against work. I just figure, why deprive someone who really enjoys it?

American actor Dwayne Hickman in the role of Dobie Gillis

I don’t know much about being a millionaire but I’ll bet I’d be a darling at it.

Dorothy Parker, American journalist, writer and all-round wit

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply hadn’t found out where to go shopping.

Bo Derek, American actor

The world is filled with willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Robert Frost, American poet

The general advertiser’s attitude would seem to be: if you are a lousy, smelly, idle, under-privileged, overweight and oversexed status-seeking moron, give me your money.

Kenneth Bromfield, American writer

When you’ve got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow.

American wit Fern Naito famously paraphrased by Richard Nixon as ‘If you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.’

Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.

Charles Lamb, British essayist

I need enough to tide me over until I need more.

Bill Hoest, American cartoonist

Gentlemen prefer bonds.

Andrew Mellon, American banker

There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is to enjoy earning it.

Edgar W. Howe, American editor and publisher

We don’t just honour credit cards, we venerate them!

Dale McFeathers, American journalist

The only reason I made a commercial for American Express is to pay for my American Express bill.

Peter Ustinov, British comedian and actor

You can’t pay your Visa on your American Express card.

P.J. O’Rourke, American writer

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions no-one has asked them.

Leo Tolstoy, Russian novelist

Consultants are people who borrow your watch to tell you what time it is and then walk off with it.

Robert Townsend, American actor

I don’t like work even when someone else does it.

Mark Twain, American writer

In spite of the cost of living, it’s still popular.

Kathleen Norris, American novelist

Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly.

George Raft, American actor

A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.

Franklin P. Jones, American writer

We don’t seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalise it and tax it out of business?

Will Rogers, American humorist

Unquestioningly there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

H.L. Mencken, American journalist and political commentator

Few great men would have got past Personnel.

Paul Goodman, American writer

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you’re on the job.

Lena Horne, American singer

My wife finds it hard to envision me as the end product of millions of years of evolution.

Bob Barnes, American cartoonist

I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

American film maker, comic and writer Woody Allen

There is at least one fool in every married couple.

Henry Fielding, British novelist and dramatist