Almost Broken (7 page)

“So. Mr. Scott?” I ask him curiously, remembering the girl downstairs.

“Oh, Amanda. She’s a student at the school I teach at,” he says simply, and my mouth falls open.

“You’re a teacher?” I ask surprised.

“Well. A substitute, “he says modestly.

“That’s great. So you have your bachelor’s degree?” I ask him and he nods.

Wow.

Cal didn’t have any respect or interest in higher education.

“So Amanda was one of your students,” I guess.

“Yeah, I think she might have a crush on me.” He laughs.
Thinks?
I’m sure she and every other girl in his school.

“Yeah, I think you broke her heart when you told her you had a daughter.” I giggle, and he shrugs.

“So how are we going to do this?” he asks, adjusting his position so he’s facing me. His demeanor change is so abrupt, I’m caught off guard. “I mean with Caylen. I really want to be involved. My parents love her. I know we live pretty far apart but we can make this work right?” he asks for my assurance, and I nod.

“Yeah. Caylen has really taken to you guys. Whatever I can do to make things easier,” I say honestly. And I see the worry disappear from his face.

“Good,” he says, his eyes lighting up and it causes my stomach to do flips.

“Y
ou’re what?” Raven doesn’t even try to remove the sharpness from her voice.

“It’s just going to be three weeks. It’s not that big a deal,” I say calmly as I brush out my hair. Truth is, I’m far from calm about this. I’m nervous, a little scared, and anxious. But I can’t let Raven see that I’m unsure about this. When I talked to Chris about going back for three weeks it was so easy to say yes, looking into those warm, green eyes. They’re coaxing and intoxicating. He has a way of easing you into doing what he wants with a shy smile and bright eyes. I would have told him I’d wear a clown suit and heels just to be near him, it didn’t’ seem complicated then or like a dumb idea at all. At the time it wasn’t even a big deal, but as the time for me to go approaches, I begin to see the problem. It’s a big deal, and it’s a very big deal to Raven. She’s tapping her foot, her arms now folded across her chest as she’s standing in my bedroom.

“I don’t like this, Lauren. I really don’t like this,” she says, shaking her head. I shouldn’t have said anything, but I don’t want to feel like a child that has to sneak around and hide, especially since she’s looking at me like I’m about to be put on punishment.

“It’s not for you to like. This isn’t about you, Raven. This is what I think is best for Caylen,” I say adamantly.

“You don’t think I want what’s best for Caylen?” she asks in disbelief.

“You don’t think that I want what’s best for her?” I ask with thinly veiled sarcasm.

“I think that your judgment is a little clouded.”

And here she goes.

“I believe you should hold off on getting her so involved with Cal…”

“Chris. His name is Chris,” I interrupt her, and she rolls her eyes.

“Involved with
Chris
until he’s gotten some type of hold on his mental state.”

I knew this was coming. She walks near me so I can see her face in the mirror.

“He’s not dangerous, Raven. I’m not worried about him hurting her!” I say pointedly.

“What about him hurting
you
?” she says firmly, and I let out a sigh and look away from her gaze.

“I’m not worried about that either,” I retort.

“You can’t break what’s already broken,” I mutter under my breath as I finish my braid and tie it at the end. I stand up, and she grabs my shoulder. “Almost broken.” I roll my eyes at her and get up to put on my gym shoes.

“You’re not broken yet. I can see it in your eyes. I know you, Lauren. You haven’t given up hope.”

“What’s so bad about me having a little hope, Raven? Is it such a bad thing?” I ask her, but I know the answer to that. I just wish someone could make me feel a little better about it. Raven lets out a deep sigh, and I know she’s not going to be the one to do it.

Angela. I should have told Angela first.

“Honey. You’ve been through so much with Cal…this man. He’s put you through so much,” she says solemnly, but maybe it’s better if she yells. Anything’s better than her somberness. It makes me feel pathetic

“You know, I was a big supporter of the two of you, but he’s damaged goods. He’s in love with another woman.”
First knife through my heart.
“You’ve given him the ok to move on.”
Second knife.
“You say that he isn’t Cal and if that’s true, he doesn’t love you that way.”
Screw the knife.
She’s ripped out my heart and is stomping on it.

She takes my hand like it will make her words hurt less. I bite my lip, I refuse to cry. This is stuff I already know and I’ve told myself a thousand times. “I don’t want to see you get hurt any more. You need to let him go,” she says, stressing the last part.

Let him go.

She’s not the first to say it. It’s not like I haven’t thought about it. She’s right about every single thing she’s said. I just wish it was as easy to do as other people think it is.

“You said Chris wants to be a part of her life, and honey, that’s great. But just because he’s going to be a big part of Caylen’s life doesn’t mean he has to be a big part of yours.”

I take my hand away from her.

“Have you both talked about the status of your marriage, getting a di—”

I cut her off when I shoot her a warning glare.

“Please, can you just stop?!” I plead with her and let out a deep breath. She never knows when to let up. She keeps going and going and each statement feels like a brick being put on my chest.

“I want what’s best for you, Lauren. You deserve to be happy,” she says quietly before picking up Caylen and leaving the room. I throw myself onto the bed. I was heading to the gym, but now I feel like just crawling under the covers and sleeping the day away but I won’t. I might as well get prepared for this. I told Raven first about going to Madison so that Caylen can spend time with the Scotts and her dad. I still have two other people to tell. I’m so tired of defending myself and my decisions about my child to people. At the end of the day, any decision I make,
I’m
going to have to deal with the fallout.

Well, that’s not completely true. If I really do end up broken they’ll have to deal with the fallout of
that.

I push myself up from the bed and head into the living room. Raven’s sitting on the sofa reading a book while Caylen’s on the floor playing with her toys. I steal a quick kiss from her and before I leave out the door I double back and kiss Raven on the cheek. She looks at me surprised. “I love you. I understand that you only want what’s best for me.” She smiles warmly at me and squeezes my shoulder.

“I’ll only be about an hour,” I say as I head out of the door.

HHH

After the gym, a long shower, and Chinese food, Raven and Caylen are both asleep. It’s only 7:45 p.m. I think what we ordered attributed to Raven’s early nap. Caylen is usually asleep about this time. I clean up the last of her toys scattered around the floor, and my heart skips a beat when I hear my phone buzz. It’s my favorite ringtone.

His
ringtone.

I quickly finish putting Caylen’s toys in the bin and turn off the television. I grab my phone, head to my room, and flop on my bed. I don’t look at it until I’m good and comfortable.

How are you guys?

It’s very wrong that his texts are something I look forward to now. It’s been two weeks since we were with him. He sends them in the morning and usually around four. We started Skyping the day after I got back home. I think it’s helped to ease the awkwardness of the whole situation. It’s never long, only about five to ten minutes. It’s usually him talking to Caylen and me answering him about her day.

We talk
through
Caylen.

But the texts I look forward to them more than the skyping. They’re specifically for me. Well not really. Things like this make me feel pathetic. He didn’t say “how are my girls” or ask about me in particular, but it still makes my day.

I think about the conversation I had with Raven earlier. She’s right. God she’s right. Still I can’t shake the tingling feeling shooting up my neck, or the way my day seems to start to feel better when I get these simple texts. How did I end up like this? I know there are so many reasons I shouldn’t feel like this, why I shouldn’t let myself feel like this about them, but not one of those reasons stop the feelings that wrap around me like chains. Chains I don’t want to get rid of, but that I need to get rid of. I take a deep breath and quickly text him:

Caylen’s great

Short, direct, and to the point. Well, the smiley face was to let him know I wasn’t being a B. I want to ask him how his day was. What he did, if he thought about me, but of course I don’t ask any of those things. I grab my pillow and pull it closer to me. I think about how Cal and I used to text when we first got together. They weren’t like this though, Cal’s would start off cordial enough and ended with how good he was with his tongue and all the places he wanted to put it. Not much later he’d be at my door to show me. Then when things got bad his texts made me want to break my phone to substitute for his face. My phone alert goes off again. It’s one word.

Good.

I roll my eyes. I scold myself for being disappointed. I don’t know what I expected him to say, but the one-word reply was annoying with Cal, and with Chris, it’s no better, but Chris
should
only be sending me one-word replies. He has a fiancé who gets the long replies. Who gets the smile when she texts him. Those aren’t meant for me. I’m just his wife, after all. A little voice inside of me tells me that title is on borrowed time. I shuffle through my bed to find the remote to my television. When Cal was here there was never a TV in our bedroom. He said the bedroom was meant for two things, sleeping or getting put to sleep. Now the only thing puts me to sleep is usually a marathon of
Property Brothers
or a season of
Real Housewives
.

I watch about half an episode before falling asleep, and the alert goes off again. I grab it and a smile creeps across my face once I see what it says.

How are you?

I type back
thinking of you
and immediately erase it. He wants to know how I’m doing. That’s a first for us. A good sign, right? Or maybe he’s just being polite.

Had a good day. Nick Jr., gym, good Chinese food. What more can a girl ask for ;)

I send it and think that it was too much. Ugh. I feel like I’m in high school, overanalyzing a simple sentence. Then my alert goes off again.

One to ten. How good was the Chinese food?

I laugh at that, remembering how much he ate while I was with him last time. I quickly type out:

You sure you want to know?

UGH That GOOD Huh?

LOL. Yes. THAT Good.

Our Chinese food sucks here

I roll over on my stomach and glance at the mirror seeing the goofy smile on my face. I haven’t seen that smile in a while. I get butterflies in my stomach when the message goes off again.

Are you busy?

I wonder why he asks that?

He’s probably about to call.

No he’s not going to call me. He knows Caylen’s sleep now. Or maybe he doesn’t. Before I get hopelessly optimistic, I decide to avoid the disappointment.

Caylen’s sleep right now.

A few moments’ pass, and I’m disappointed when my alert doesn’t go off. He was texting so quickly before. I lay my head on the pillow and feel myself pouting when my door bursts open. I almost jump out of my skin.

“What’s up, hun!” It’s Hillary. Of course it is. She barges through closed doors like no one else can.

“What’s wrong? You look like you lost your best friend.” She chuckles before flopping on my bed across from me. “And, that can’t be true since I’m right here,” she says, slapping me on the butt.

“Waiting on Garret again?” I tease.

“Of course. You know I need my evening cardio.” She giggles. Hillary is one of the only women I know who manages to meet a guy
wherever
she goes. I’d been going to my gym for four days a week for the past year and never saw Garett. The day she goes, he’s turns out to be a new fitness trainer, tall, attractive, muscular and athletic. Hillary spotted him the moment he walked in.

“God, your bed is so amazing,” she says in an exaggerated tone.

“He’s going to get fired if they catch you guys,” I laugh.

“Don’t be a hater, Lauren. I told you, you could borrow him if you want,” she says, nudging me.

“No thanks.” I roll my eyes at her.

“I can’t believe this bed isn’t getting any action. You should let us borrow this,” she says, rolling on her stomach and lifting her wiggling butt in the air.

“Eww, Hillary you’re disgusting” I say, attempting to push her out of my bed, and my phone rings. My heart skips a beat when I see it’s Chris.
He’s calling!
I glance over at Hillary, who’s eyeing me suspiciously.

“Are you going to get that?” She chuckles. I cannot answer while Hillary’s here. She looks at me suspiciously.

“Oh, I’ve got to see who’s calling to get that look on your face,” she teases. We both reach for my phone, and she gets to it first. Her face immediately sets into a frown.

“Oh, Lauren. NOO,” she says. I jump off the bed to get the phone, and she moves it behind her back.

“Hillary give me my phone and a little privacy,” I demand.

“Isn’t he still with that girl?” she says pointedly.

“He’s Caylen’s dad. What does that have to do with anything?”

“He’s calling to talk to you about Caylen?” she says sarcastically.

“I don’t know because I haven’t answered the phone. Give it to me.” I grab her arm and force the phone out of her hand. It’s stopped ringing.

“Don’t do this to yourself, Lauren,” she says, whining.

“Do what? What am I doing?!”I say, throwing my hands up, exasperated. She shakes her head and folds her arms eerily similar to Raven this morning.