“Do you have a choice?”
Well, he had me there. “Fine. Where do I…rub you?”
“On the face of the crystal.”
Did
everything
here have to have a crystal? I study the dinosaur. Damn, he’s all bone, no crystal. Maybe he has some weird complex because he isn’t made of crystal? Or maybe he’s delusional and thinks he is made of crystal?
Whatever
. As long as he can get me out of here, I don’t care. I place my hand on his gigantic snout and…rub.
“What are you doing?” the voice squeaks.
“What do you think? I’m rubbing you!”
“No you’re not! I’m down here!”
I glance down. “Huh?”
There’s nothing but crystal pebbles on the ground.
Oh dear, this is going to take a while
. I drop to my knees and start picking up rocks. “Which one are you?”
There’s an exasperated sigh. “I’m not on the ground, I’m on your finger!”
What? I glance at the black jewel on the ring.
And a little man stares right back.
***
I’ve been wearing the ring since I was a kid, so I should’a noticed that there was a little man in it earlier. Just sayin’. But in my defense, the ring doesn’t look like anything special. It’s big, bulky, and spray-painted black. Basically it’s really ugly costume jewelry. That I wear all the time. Even when I’m sleeping and bathing. Actually, now that I think about it more, the fact that a little man has been in there all this time is starting to piss me off.
And (big surprise!) the sisters were behind all of this, too.
On my seventh birthday, the sisters brought me into Crystal chapel behind the Abbey where we all lived. Apparently, the stars were in special places when I was born, but they still needed to make sure that I was the “chosen one.”
Our footsteps echoed on the floor inside the plain white chapel. There were only eight pews. As we walked to the Quartz altar, sunlight streamed down on us from the stained glass windows above. The sparrows living in the rafters fluttered their wings. All of this seemed very spiritual and magical to my eight-year-old self.
Agent X was waiting for us at the altar with a gilded chest, which she pulled open when we reached her. “Pick one,” she demanded.
And I did, because you do not mess with Agent X.
The chest was full of jewel rings. Diamonds. Sapphires. Jade. Rubies.
So of course I picked the ugly, dull black one. Why? Because it looked sad and I wanted to make it happy.
Like I said before, I was an odd one. But I was not as odd as the sisters.
“I knew it!” the M’s exclaimed.
“You are the one!” Kiki announced. “A very special girl!”
Agent X bid me to put the ring on my finger, and I did. After, she grabbed my hand and raised it above my head. “
She has chosen. Fate has wrapped itself around her finger. On the morn of your 25th birthday, ye shall go to the top o’ the mount where the crystal were born. She shall venture forth into the cave of light, and love what has been divided for one thousand years. She shall unite the heart and soul and mind of the prince of this land, thereby setting free the one true king.”
I really should have listened to what Agent X was actually saying instead of being swept away by the fairy tale ring bullshit. Eight-year-old me might have thought a man living inside a ring was cool, but 25-year-old me just thinks he’s a pervert.
***
I rub the hell out of that ring. Even as white smoke starts to leak from the sides of the black jewel. Even as the jewel starts to get hot and glow with ominous white light. Is it creepy? Oh god, yes. But I’m on a woman on a mission.
A beam of light erupts from the jewel into the sky. I leap back, yelping. Unfortunately, this does not help me get further away from the light beam, because it is attached to my finger.
Damn! Gotta get this shit off! I get to work, twisting the ring while the beam of light starts to dance back and forth. This does not set me at ease. Yelping, I finally fling the ring off onto the ground.
And then, the beam of light shoots into the sky.
I breathe heavily through my nose. The laser light show is over. It’s just a normal ring again.
What the hell just happened?
“Rainbow!” that little voice calls out.
I look up.
At a fairy.
A freaking fairy with glittering white wings and wisps of white hair curling around his cute-as-a-button face. He’s wearing two little white petals—one over his ass, the other over his…“fairy wand.”
Okay. Whatever N and N brewed up was
strong
.
“RAINBOW!” the fairy exclaims, smiling as he does a little twirl around my head. “We finally get to meet!”
“What?”
The beaming fairy clasps his hands over his chest. “I’m so happy you’re here to break the curse!”
“What?”
He looks around, his wings suddenly flapping super fast. “But we don’t have much time. He’ll be here soon.”
“WHAT?”
“The first incarnation of Xavier—”
Xavier? Could he possibly mean… “Wait,
Crystal Jesus
?”
The fairy giggles. “Your name for him is so cute!”
“Okay, stop,” I say, holding up my hand. “I can’t do this anymore.”
The fairy’s smile falls. “What do you mean, Rainbow?”
“Look, I get that…” Well, actually I don’t get anything. “Look,” I start over, “I need to go home. It’s sweet of you to…” Actually, nothing this weird fairy had done so far was sweet. “Look,” I start again, “We made a deal. I get you out of the ring, you get me home. Well, you’re out. It’s time for me to go home.”
“Oh Rainbow, I’m so sorry. All this must be difficult for you.”
Yeah, no shit!
Difficult wasn’t the word I’d use to describe all this. Worst nightmare ever was more like it.
“But,” the fairy continues, “You can’t go home yet. Not until you’ve healed the crystal.”
Again with healing the crystal? Seriously??? “Look, I don’t know how to heal anything, especially a rock which, for the record, I do not think needs healing. Get a hold of someone who knows something about gems, or someone who at least has some tape.”
“No, Rainbow. Only
you
can heal the crystal.”
I roll my eyes. “And how am I supposed to do that? Find…crystal puzzle bits and glue them together?”
“No. The crystals are shards of Xavier’s soul.”
Crystal Jesus. Of course. Why doesn’t it surprise me that
he
has something to do with this?
“You must unite each crystal shard within you,” the fairy continues.
I scowl. “Unite them in me? What the hell does that mean? Am I supposed to eat them or something?”
The fairy looks down. Guiltily. “Not exactly…”
Oh boy, this can’t be good if the fairy is looking at me like that.
The fairy wrings his hands. “Just promise you won’t freak out when I tell you, okay?”
Oh boy, this definitely isn’t good. “I promise,” I lie. I’m already freaking out.
“Alright.” He takes a deep breath. “You have to love each incarnation of the prince at once. This will heal the crystal, and make him whole.”
He still wasn’t telling me something. “Love them…how?”
“You must…make love to them,” the fairy whispers, cheeks suddenly blooming red.
“You’re telling me to fuck all the crystal incarnations of Crystal Jesus?”
The fairy nods.
“All of them at once?”
The fairy nods more vigorously.
I can’t say anything for a few minutes before I finally clear my throat. “Well, I can see why you’d think I would freak out.”
“And I’m so glad you didn’t, Rainbow! You truly are strong of spirit!”
“Well, someone’s spirits sure were strong,” I mumble, thinking of N and N. “Alright, how many incarnations are we talking here? Two? Three?”
The fair grimaces. “A few more than that.”
“A few more than that!??” I shriek. “I don’t even have that many holes!”
“The number doesn’t matter!”
Number doesn’t matter? Oh screw that! “Numbers sure as hell do matter when
you’re all having sex at the same time
. What the hell are the other dudes supposed to do? Jerk it in the corner while they wait their turn? Oh yeah, that’s sexy!”
“Rainbow, it will be an expression of the purest love.”
“Purest love? This sounds like a set-up for a bad porno!”
“It’s the purest act of healing!” the fairy continues.
“Oh, okay. It’s not just a gangbang, it’s a
mystic
gangbang. I understand now. I see it all.”
Way too clearly.
The fairy sighs, relieved. “I’m so glad you do.”
“Yeah.” I pick the ring off the ground and start marching over to the edge of the cliff.
The little fairy trails after me. “R-rainbow? What are you doing?”
I hold my fist over the ravine. “Something I should have done a long time ago.”
“Wait, Rainbow! I haven’t told you everything yet!”
Oh god, there was
more?
“Look, you tell me how to get out of here, or I’m chucking this ring off the mountain!”
“Wait. Stop. Don’t do anything hasty! If you do that, you’ll lose me too, for I’m connected to the ring.”
What? I could get rid of my destiny
and
creepy fairy man at the same time? Score!
Alright. Time to negotiate. “Look, I won’t throw you and the ring off the cliff if you tell me how to get out of here.”
“I’m sorry Rainbow, you can’t leave until you heal the crystal.”
My eyes narrow at the sprite. “I don’t believe you’re sorry.”
“How we both feel about it doesn’t matter. The point is, you can’t.”
“And let me guess, you want me to wear you on my finger while we all do it so you can watch!”
“No, like I said, it’s not—”
“Listen to me, you sick bastard. You tell me how to get out of here or you’re gonna get it!”
The fairy’s eyes go wide with fear.
Now we’re talking.
“Rainbow!” the fairy screams.
“Look, I don’t want to do this either! Just tell me how to leave and no one gets it!”
“No, Rainbow!” the fairy shrieks. “Look out!!!”
I turn around.
And come face to face with a dragon.
I see my reflection in its blazing red eyes the size of my head. The mighty beast throws up its head with such speed that a blast of wind gushes from the motion. It’s so strong that I stumble back. Roaring, the dragon unleashes a freaking fireball into the sky that shoots up near the sun and then explodes like a firework.
Oh shit.
My hands shake and the ring falls from them, rolling down the side of the hill.
“Rainbow!” the little fairy’s shrieks now sound like squeaks. The fairy is dragged to the edge of the cliff as if by invisible string.
“Fairy!” I wail. Sure, he might be a little creepy, but the only other being I’ve met since I came to this godforsaken land has been a dragon! I shoot forward, grasping for the ring, but it slips right through my fingers. And when I say it slips right through my fingers…I mean I was at least a foot off.
Yelling, I reach my hand out to the fairy.
“Trust yourself!” the fairy cries as it plummets, along with the ring, into the ravine.
And then I’m alone. With a freaking
dragon
.
Maybe it’s a nice dragon.
Shivering, I look up at the dragon’s jowls. Lava-like saliva drips from its sharpened ivory teeth onto the ground, burning through the solid rock.
“Um, hi,” I whisper. “My name is Rainbow.”
The dragon whips its head around, roaring again until flying up to the top of the mountain.
Oh man, maybe it’s leaving! I totally lucked out!
And then, the dragon decides to take a nosedive right at me.
Chapter 3
So, 5’5” chubby chicks can’t outrun dragons. Especially when they’re wearing hiking boots they haven’t broken in yet. And they’re on top of a mountain. And the little pathway they were following just decided to drop off without warning into a cavernous ravine.
I screech to a halt (and when I say screech, I mean both me
and
my sneakers make a lot of ugly noises). The tips of my hiking boots stop just over the edge of the stone cliff. I teeter on the ledge for a moment, holding my breath.
Okay. You’re okay. Just back up.
I inch back slowly, focusing on breathing in and out. In and out. Big belly breaths.
Yeah, I can so do this
, I think as I turn.
Scalding breath flows over my cheeks. Ruby scales gleam like a thousand blood-splattered shields marching of to battle. The creature makes a low growl that sounds like grinding bones.
Oh yeah. That’s why I almost jumped off a cliff.
I was trying to run away from a freaking dragon!
To die horribly, or to die horribly? That is the question. Is it worse to leap off a cliff and “soar” hundreds of feet before going splat all over the rocky ravine Wylie Coyote style? Or to be fried to a crisp and then munched on by a dragon?
I glance over my shoulder. The distance between me and the ravine below seems to stretch like a rubber band. Did I say hundreds of feet? I meant thousands. Millions.
Oh my god, heights are so not my thing!
And then I look back at the dragon.
Dragons so aren’t my thing either!
I squeeze my eyes shut. Alright, what do people do when they’re in situations like this? You know, recovering from being poisoned by their mother and facing down a dragon? Well, I’m pretty sure no one else has ever been in this situation, so I do the one thing I can think of.
I pray for Crystal Jesus to come save me.
Why? Why not. I figure I deserve it after all the shit that’s happened to me because of him! Maybe if this dragon kills me I can finally to go Crystal Heaven and give him a piece of my mind.
And then, a battle cry resounds from above.
I look up and, surprisingly, so does the dragon.
The figure is enshrouded in darkness. I can’t differentiate between his muscular form and the rock.
Oh man, maybe he’s an angry rock man! I mean, why not? There are dragons and fairies here.