Always Will: A Bad Boy Romance (22 page)

“It’s not about life getting hard,” I say.

“Then what is it about?” he asks. “What is it that makes you do all that stupid shit? Mom thinks you have a death wish. She’s convinced it’s survivor’s guilt and you’re trying to tempt fate or something.”

“I’m not trying to die,” I say. “This is what I mean. You look at me and you think you understand what I went through, or what it did to me. No one does.”

“Then enlighten me,” he says. “What’s it like to be you? Why do you take such stupid fucking risks with your life?”

“Because that’s the only time I feel alive,” I say. “Right now, sitting here? I’m half dead. I don’t feel much of anything. I don’t jump off cliffs or out of airplanes, or climb rock faces, because I want to kill myself. I do it so I can stay alive.”

Damon gapes at me for a long moment. “You’re a fucking mess. You know that, right? The only way you’re ever going to get better is if you find something to make you feel alive that isn’t going to kill you.”

“What did you say?” I ask.

“Which part?”

I put a hand to my chin and look away.

Something that makes me feel alive, and won’t kill me.

I had it. That’s exactly what she was.

“What?” Damon asks.

“No, it’s nothing,” I say.

“Fuck that,” Damon says, his voice sharp. “I’m sick of sitting on the sidelines watching you self-destruct.”

“Self-destruct?” I ask. “Look around you. This company is mine. I bought it because I had a vision that no one else had the guts to pull off. And I’m right on the brink, Damon. I’m one presentation away from making this happen.”

“I know you’re successful,” Damon says. “I’m sure you have more money than you know what to do with, although you probably risked it all to buy this company.”

I tip my head. He’s right about that. I did risk it all.

“But here’s the thing, Ronan,” he says. “No risk is ever going to be enough for you. You can keep betting it all and hoping you come out on top, but one of these days, you’re going to be fucked.”

“Is that your professional opinion?”

“Don’t be an ass,” he says. “It’s the truth. I know you hate it when I do this, and I’ve always backed off. Just … tell me one more thing.”

“What?”

“What was that a second ago?” he asks. “I said something about feeling alive, and your face changed. What went through your mind?”

I’m not one of his goddamn patients. But he struck a nerve, and I’m compelled to tell him. “Her name is Selene.”

“Tell me about her.” He settles back in his chair and I can imagine him sitting in his office, talking to his patients in the same, soothing voice.

“She works for me,” I say. “She’s amazing at her job—smart, passionate, driven. She’s one of those women that makes every man stare.”

“And you were in a relationship with Selene?” he asks.

I pinch the bridge of my nose. Fuck this headache. “Yes.”

“That’s past tense,” he says. “You’re not with her now.”

“No.”

“Can you tell me what happened?”

For reasons I can’t fathom, I tell him everything. How I pursued Selene relentlessly. How she made me feel. I tell him about taking her skydiving, and her chute failing. About how it made me realize I had to end it with her, even though now I feel so dead inside I’m not sure why I’m even here.

Damon doesn’t say anything for a long moment, and I start to regret telling him. He’s probably diagnosing me right now.

“Chelsea wasn’t your fault,” he says finally. His voice is quiet.

“Excuse me?”

“What happened to Chelsea wasn’t your fault,” he says. “I don’t think you realize that. I think you’re carrying the responsibility for her death on your shoulders. You need to let it go.”

“I wasn’t talking about her,” I say.

“No, but that’s where this comes from,” he says. “You just admitted to me that you fell in love for the first time since Chelsea, but you broke up with her. Why do you think you did that?”

“Because she deserves better. If I stay with her, everything in her life would be wrapped up in me. Her career. Her happiness. Her fucking life. I’m never scared for myself when something goes wrong out there. But I was scared shitless for her.”

“But that’s a completely normal reaction to a person you love being in danger,” he says.

“It isn’t about the jump,” I say.

“No, I know it isn’t. It’s about realizing that someone trusted you deeply, and being afraid that you aren’t worthy of that trust.”

I want to argue with Damon, but he’s making a little too much sense.

“She’s going to quit,” I say.

“That bothers you as much as anything, doesn’t it?”

“Yes,” I say. “This is where she belongs. The company won’t be the same without her.”

“Neither will you.”

I look away. He’s right. I’m not the same. Selene cut through me, to my core. She found a part of me I thought was dead. I thought it died the day Chelsea did, at the bottom of that cliff. But whether or not Selene is good for me isn’t the point. I can take risks with my own life, but how can I take them with hers?

29: Ronan

Sarah texts me to say they’re ready for me in the main conference room. A buzz tickles the edges of my mind. This is it. Everything I’ve done, bringing these two companies together, comes down to today. I have so much riding on this deal that failure isn’t an option.

I’m not worried. I’m finally feeling awake again. The thrill of victory is so close I can almost taste it.

I have no idea if Selene is going to show. The thought of doing this without her kills my buzz a little, but I won’t blame her if she doesn’t come. I’m prepared to go over her material if I need to. I try to push thoughts of her out of my mind.

Maybe it’s better if she’s not there. I won’t be distracted. Today, I need to be focused. On point. Ready.

The air in the office tingles with electricity. People watch me as I walk to the conference room. Everyone knows what this meeting means. I feed off the tension, letting it drive me. It feels as good as a plane climbing, or standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to jump. This is what I do. This is what I live for.

I’m in my element, but there’s a hollowness to it.

I should be sharing this with her. But I can’t.

I walk in and greet our guests. Ten men and women sit around the table, several in highly decorated uniforms. Sarah sits at the table, along with two of our lead developers.

Selene isn’t here.

“Good morning,” I say. “Welcome to Vital Information and Edge Gear.”

The door opens. From the corner of my eye, I see Selene walk in. Her entrance almost shatters my concentration into a million pieces, and I falter for half a second while I regain my composure. She quietly takes her seat, but doesn’t meet my eyes.

I recover quickly and move on with the introductions while Sarah passes out packets. The beginning of the presentation was always mine, so I continue on. I can’t read anyone’s faces. If they’re impressed by my speech, they’re not showing it. I click through the slides, giving an overview of our company and products, as well as background on some of the developers and engineers who have particularly impressive resumes. I emphasize the team aspect, and talk about how we’ve brought together the two teams to achieve something completely new and extraordinary.

I get to the point where Selene should take over. She’s here. Does that mean she plans to go through with her part of the presentation?

I shouldn’t even have wondered. She stands up on my second-to-last slide and eases her way to the front, unobtrusive so as not to interrupt me. She still won’t look at me, but she takes the remote from my hand and smoothly launches into the next part of the presentation.

She’s perfect. She holds her audience in rapt attention while she talks about the technologies involved and how we’re bringing them together to provide state-of-the-art protective gear with both military and law enforcement applications. Her intimate knowledge of the team—and the tech—shines through in her words. Selene is an excellent speaker, and I see interest playing in the eyes of several of the people sitting around the table.

I realize after several minutes that I’m not watching her. I’m listening, but my eyes are on the other people in the room. I don’t want it to be noticeable, so I force myself to look up at her.

In the dim room, with the projector screen glowing behind her, she’s framed by a soft glow. Fuck, she’s beautiful. I’m mesmerized by the way her mouth moves when she talks. The straightness of her posture. The way her neck looks so soft with her hair pulled up.

But more than anything, I’m so fucking proud of her. She is nailing this presentation in every way possible. Her points are spot on. Her excitement for the project shows. There’s no question she knows her shit. She’s making me look like a rock star for having her on my team.

If we close this deal, there’s no way I can claim credit. She’s owning this room right now, and I’m in awe of her performance.

She finishes her part, and opens the floor to questions. She and I hadn’t planned the meeting beyond this point, but she stays up front, taking questions and directing them to the engineers when necessary. I let her take the lead. She’s relaxed and competent, and there’s nothing more I need to do until the hand-shaking at the end.

I take it as a good sign that they have so many questions. I answer a few, and the engineers get a chance to talk about their recent developments. I sense a great deal of interest. We don’t have an agreement yet, but we will. I can sense the deal closing.

It will take weeks before we have a signed contract, but it’s going to happen. I can feel it.

I should be in the midst of an adrenaline rush, fueling my high. But Selene’s voice lodges itself deep inside me, her proximity like a tiny hammer knocking inside my skull. I realize I’d counted on her not being here. She’s hardly been in the office, and I’ve been waiting for her to turn in her notice any day. I certainly haven’t given her any reasons to stay.

But here she is, knocking the socks off everyone in this room, myself included. And I’m hit with such a raging storm of emotions, it’s all I can do to say the right things to close up the meeting and assure them we’ll have copies of the official proposal to everyone by morning.

After what feels like an eternity, the meeting ends and our guests file out. Selene lingers, standing at the head of the large table, thumbing through her notes like she has a reason to stay. I wait behind, nodding to Sarah as she heads back to her desk, and close the door behind her.

Selene looks up at the sound of the door closing. Her eyebrows lift, like she’s surprised I’m still here.

It all came to me in a rush as I watched her. I know what I need to do.

“Can I talk to you?” I ask.

“Sure,” she says.

“Selene, I realize this has been difficult,” I say. “But there’s something I should have done a while ago.”

She keeps her eyes on the table. “What’s that?”

“I want to offer you a promotion,” I say. “Make you VP of Operations.”

Selene turns her face toward me, her brow furrowed. “What?”

“After that presentation, no one will question where this is coming from,” I say. “You deserve this. It’s what you do already; I’m just catching up with your title.”

“Is this supposed to fix everything?” she asks.

“This isn’t about us,” I say. “This is about you and the company. This is where you should be. You’re the heart and soul of this place.”

“I’m leaving,” she says. “I was going to wait to tell you, but I’m planning on giving my notice.”

I don’t just hear her words; I feel them. Right in the center of my chest, as if they reverberate through me. I knew this would happen, but I hoped I could head her off. I hoped I could salvage this before she left for good.

Fuck.

“Don’t do that, Selene,” I say. “Don’t leave because of me.”

“You tell me you love me, then you break up with me, and now you want to promote me?” she asks. “You’re insane, Ronan. I don’t know how you think I can trust a word you say.”

“I never lied to you.”

“Don’t,” she says, holding up a finger. “Don’t even do that to me. The game is over, so you can cut the bullshit. You wanted what you couldn’t have, and once you got it, you were ready to move onto the next challenge.”

“That’s not true—”

“What happened, then?” she asks. “Because from where I’m standing, things got too intense for you, and you bailed.”

She’s hitting way too close to the truth. Smack in the middle of it, in fact. But she still has the wrong idea. I don’t have an answer, so I just turn away.

“You don’t want a future with me, fine,” she says. “But how you think I could stay here is beyond me. I don’t give a shit what titles you dangle in front of me.”

“I’m not fucking with you,” I say. “This promotion is what you deserve for your work here. It doesn’t have anything to do with what happened between us.”

“Why do you want me to stay, Ronan?” she asks, meeting my eyes.

It’s hard to hold her gaze. “Because you’re what this company needs,” I say.

She shakes her head. “The company. Of course. But not you. I’m not what you need.”

“Have you not heard a word I’ve said?” I ask. “I can’t be what
you
need. Not the other way around.”

“Why?”

I look away.

“No? You claim to fear nothing, but you’re too scared to tell me the truth,” she says. “And who are you to make that choice for me? You don’t get to decide what I need. I get to make that call. God, I’m so fucking sick of men who think they know what’s best for me. What am I, some sort of fragile little flower? I’m a grown woman, Ronan, and I’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions.”

“If I had any doubts about you, I wouldn’t be offering you this position,” I say. “You are a strong, competent woman, and we need you here.”

“The company does. But not you.”

“This isn’t about me. This is about the company.” I’m barely holding on to the threads of my temper. “What the fuck do you want me to say?”

Selene puts her hands on her hips. “I want you to tell me how you can look me in the eyes and tell me you love me, and then days later push me aside like I mean nothing to you.”