Authors: Giovanna Fletcher
‘It’s not?’ he challenges.
‘You know me. I’m no good in those situations at the best of times.’
‘So for as long as we’re together you’re not going to come with me on set?’ he asks, his eyes wide and disbelieving.
‘For as long as we’re together?’ I ask, feeling my face sting as though he’s slapped me. ‘What do you mean by that?’
‘Nothing.’
‘No. What did you mean?’ I push, my voice becoming stronger as I tackle his choice of words.
‘Nothing,’ he says swiping his hands apart and shaking his head. ‘We’re arguing. I didn’t mean that to come out the way it sounded.’
‘Good, because it sounded like you were implying we’re not going to be together forever.’
‘You know I don’t think that. My future is with you.’
‘Right,’ I say, our stances within the altercation shifting, with me suddenly becoming the one who’s annoyed and him being the one needing to defend himself and backtrack.
‘I think I’ll just leave you to do what you have to and I’ll chill here until you have time off. Or I’ll go exploring. It’s a big city with lots to see and do,’ I say with finality, letting him know that there’s no way I’m going to budge
on the matter. Not right now, and certainly not after the way he’s reacted.
The fact is, I’m a different girl to the one who was by Billy’s side in London last year and, quite frankly, I don’t want to put myself in a position I know I’ll find uncomfortable. I now feel wise enough to decline such an offer, regardless of how much we want to make the most of our time together in the same city. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve seen one film set and that’ll do for now. LA, on the other hand – that has far more to offer.
‘Fair enough,’ he says tightly, sounding disappointed as he gives up the fight.
We sit in silence for a few moments. I find myself wondering what he’s thinking and whether he feels as rotten as I do. The money aspect aside, I have flown a long way to be here and am deflated that it’s not all been rainbows and sunshine between us the first time we’ve been face to face in weeks. Part of me wants to grab my bag and go, just so I can avoid this uneasiness and pretend it’s not happening.
This sucks.
It’s so far from the beautiful reunion I’d been expecting.
‘Sorry,’ he mumbles eventually, putting his hand on my shoulder and pulling me towards him.
‘No, I’m sorry,’ I sigh. ‘I’m over everything that happened, I promise. I’m just not ready for
that
yet.’
‘I get that,’ he nods.
‘I’m fine, though,’ I add, trying to sound slightly more upbeat now that we’re both working to break down the tension that’s arisen.
‘Well, that’s something,’ Billy says softly, unable to
remove the sad smile from his face. ‘I didn’t mean what I said about the money thing.’
‘No?’
‘I’m just absolutely shattered.’
‘Me too …’
‘I hate it when we argue.’
‘We didn’t argue,’ I shrug.
‘No?’ he asks, his eyes starting to smile and regain their sparkle.
‘We just had a minor disagreement.’
‘Oh, I see … so we’re OK?’
‘Absolutely,’ I say.
‘Good,’ he says, leaning over and giving me a lingering kiss on the lips.
‘Hungry, though,’ I smirk.
Billy throws his head back as laughter erupts from his mouth. We’re both clearly relieved at the change of subject.
‘Well, we can’t have that, Miss May.’
‘So tell me everything. What have I missed?’ Billy sings flamboyantly as soon as we’ve ordered dinner. At my request he’s brought me back to Little Dom’s and we’re in a nice little booth in the corner. I’ve been dreaming about them ever since the last time I was here, so I’ve ordered the meatballs.
‘Have you gone all LA on me?’ I snigger, raising an eyebrow at him – although I’m thrilled the atmosphere has now totally dissipated and that we’re back to having fun with each other.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about, sister,’ he says in an American accent, as his hand swishes through the air in front of his face.
I cackle in response.
‘Seriously, I can’t tell you how much I’m missing the peace and tranquillity of Rosefont,’ he says, taking a deep breath at the thought of my little village.
‘So you will be coming back then?’ I ask, not realizing I’d even been thinking he wouldn’t until the question comes out of my mouth.
‘Are you kidding me? It’s like a second home. Actually, more of a home than this place.’
‘Well, that’s good to hear,’ I say, an unstoppable smile spreading across my cheeks.
‘Although …’
‘Oh God …’
‘No, don’t panic. It’s just I’ve been meeting a few people over here – new management and so on, and we’re working out what I want.’
‘What do you want?’ I ask, feeling something clamp hold of my chest and my jaw stiffen. His comment from earlier is starting to rear its ugly head again.
‘If I’m honest I think I hated the craziness before, although the further we get from
Halo
, the more I think it’ll calm down. Like this project, yes, it’s going to be huge –’
‘I can tell you’ve been with Ralph.’
Billy laughs at my interruption.
‘I know, I know.’ He swallows. ‘I just think it’s going to be different without the teenage heart-throb title attached and without that stupid lothario image the tabloids had pinned on me before. I’m more grown up now. I’m settled. I look at it as my craft rather than something to get me into the LA hotspots. I want to be the best actor I can
be. That and
you
are my main focus. Not the rest of the rubbish that can surround it if you let it.’
‘So you’re saying …?’ I ask, wondering exactly where his speech is leading.
‘I wasn’t going to do this on your first day here, but I’m trying to find a way of balancing everything,’ he declares, reaching across the table and taking my hand in his. ‘I know it’s not ideal being away from you for long stretches of time, but I’m hoping, if everything is arranged properly, that I’ll also be with you for long stretches of time.’
‘Billy?’ I ask firmly, wanting him to cut the fluff and not feel like he has to sugar coat how he’s feeling.
‘I’m not giving up acting,’ he says, his shoulders relaxing as soon as the words are out of his mouth, as though he’s been terrified of sharing them. ‘But I’m not giving up on us either.’
‘I didn’t think you were.’
‘Good.’
‘And I certainly don’t want you to feel like I’m holding you back.’
‘Of course not. I don’t … it’ll all work out,’ Billy says, continuing to nod his head as he squeezes my hand, making me wonder if he’s saying this all for me, or if he’s actually trying to reassure himself.
I look up to see Billy frowning at me nervously.
‘Are you OK?’ I ask.
‘I’ve never felt for anyone else how I feel about you. I just want to get it right,’ he whispers.
‘We will,’ I nod, blinking back the tears and hoping beyond hope that we can keep our word.
‘I’ll be home once shooting wraps on this. That’s still
my plan. I might be back over here for a couple of months from September, depending on what projects come up. I’ll definitely be home for the summer and then again for Christmas.’
‘So you won’t be missing Mum and Colin’s wedding,’ I say with relief. I know they’d be more than understanding but I think we’d all be gutted if he had to miss it.
‘I’m ring bearer!’ Billy exclaims, his eyes wide. ‘I’ll have you know that it’s a very important role. Without me the wedding simply can’t go ahead.’
‘So you’ll definitely be there,’ I smile.
‘I would never miss that,’ he says seriously, holding my gaze for a few moments before looking away and shuffling in his seat. ‘So how are the wedding plans coming along?’
The conversation is moved along and happily stays away from the uncertainty that looms ahead of us. On the one hand I completely agree with Billy – I’ve never felt the way I feel about him towards anyone else, so surely that means we’ll be stronger in this situation than most couples might be. On the other hand, can a relationship really survive when there are thousands of miles between you both?
I guess only time will tell.
Perhaps this is another lesson in ‘living in the moment’, rather than worrying about what will or won’t be.
All I know is it’s worth a shot.
I’m sure of it.
The
last time I was here Julie was trying to force the entire family into spending as much time together as possible, clearly trying to make the most of Billy being here and thinking they only had two weeks with him. This time, though, things are far more relaxed, with everyone just getting on with their own plans despite me being here, which for someone who doesn’t like a fuss is brilliant.
They all seemed as though they were pleased when they saw me the previous day – I bumped into Hayley and Jenny as they got back from having their nails manicured and we were off out to Little Dom’s. Other than that, though, there’s been no talk of dinner or trips out together. It feels like I’m just lodging at the house and free to come and go as I please.
It might not be the family unit I’m now used to having with Mum, Colin and the kids, where our lives are nicely knitted together, but then they’re a different bunch of people doing entirely different things with their days.
For various reasons – mostly because she’s the most laid-back and warmest of the bunch – I could really see myself bonding with Lauren far more than anyone else in the Buskin clan. So it’s a shame she’s gone and got herself a job, as I’d like to have spent a bit of time getting to know her better while I’m over here again and largely going to be without Billy’s company. I hope we’ll find time to hang
out together at some point, although it sounds like her boss is making the most of her free labour.
Billy and I don’t discuss the shape of our future the following day, and I assume that’s because there’s really not much to talk about. Nothing has been set in stone yet and there are no solid plans, so it’s hardly worth getting upset over something that could easily change or turn out to be far more manageable than I’d imagined in the first place. That’s what my rational side is telling me, anyway. For now, I’m deciding to listen to that rather than dwell on any uncertainty.
Instead, we enjoy each other’s company and don’t venture too far from the house. The morning is spent lounging by the pool and then in the afternoon we head to Silver Lake – a little residential neighbourhood that’s built around a gorgeous lake. The best bit? Heading to a shop called MILK and buying a gorgeous strawberry cheesecake ice cream to eat while we meander our way around the reservoir, going far slower than the dozens of locals we spot jogging the route either in groups, pairs or on their own.
‘This is so nice and chilled,’ I find myself murmuring as we head past a dog park, a place where dogs are free to run around lead-free and poop in a confined space away from everyone else.
‘See? LA’s not all parties, flashy cars and spotting famous faces.’
‘Thank goodness. I think I’d hate it if it was.’
‘So you don’t
hate
it?’ he asks, raising an eyebrow at me as he licks the side of his rum and raisin ice cream to stop it dripping down his hand.
‘No.’
‘Do you love it?’
‘I don’t think I’ve seen enough of it yet to know. It’s lovely, though,’ I say, giving it some thought. ‘I do like coming here.’
‘Well, I’m glad you’ve not been put off just yet.’
‘Not yet,’ I laugh, nudging into him as he reaches over, puts an arm around me and kisses the top of my head. ‘So, what’s Peter like?’
‘Pardon?’ I laugh, surprised at the change in conversation. ‘What made you think of him?’
‘I was just thinking about your last letter. You seemed pretty pleased he’s back.’
‘I don’t really know him,’ I admit. ‘But he’s Molly’s son and seems like a nice guy.’
‘Well, that’s good,’ he responds, his arm protectively squeezing me into his body once more.
‘It’s Rachel that’s the total life-saver, though.’
‘I knew she’d be great … not better than me, though,’ he grins.
‘Clearly. That would be impossible,’ I laugh, poking him in the ribs.
On the Monday morning I get up with Billy when he goes to work. I know I should be making the most of having a lie in, but my body still hasn’t got its head around the time difference. So when I’m woken by the sound of Billy’s alarm it’s difficult to drift back off to sleep.
Once Billy’s left for the studio I slink into the kitchen, grab a fresh orange juice and a croissant and head back to
Billy’s room where I sit on the sofa by his window. Snuggled up in my pyjamas, I watch the city awaken.
Growing up in the glorious countryside I never thought I’d find beauty in any city. They always seem so concrete and ugly, unchanging no matter the season, so I’m surprised when I take in this wonderful view. Perhaps it’s because we’re high up in the hills and therefore treated to an expansive sight, rather than hidden within a cluster of skyscrapers stealing the light from everything else in their shadows.
I watch as the sun slowly creeps up from one side, bringing with it the brightest oranges, the most luscious purples, vivid reds and perfect pinks. It’s stunning. Simply beautiful and unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. The way nature frames the man-made city makes it look tropical, majestic and enticing.
Within minutes the sun rises higher in the sky, flooding the city below with its brilliance, declaring that a new day has officially begun. Having witnessed the transition I find myself quite taken by the city, so decide it’s time to explore.
As soon as I’m showered and dressed, I grab my small rucksack and book an Uber into Los Feliz (Billy made me download the app which is apparently essential here in LA when I don’t drive or have my own driver). The car arrives within minutes and takes me down to Vermont Avenue, the road where I spotted the little independent bookshop when we arrived in December.
I walk into Skylight Books and can’t help but smile. It’s small, unique and homely. In fact, it’s a little like Mum’s
library back home, but LA-ified with the help of a tree growing in the middle of it. It’s completely random but it adds an element of magic to the space.
I slowly work my way along the shelves, loving that nothing looks familiar. Almost every publication has a different cover to the ones I’m used to. They’re all packaged differently for the US market which makes me feel like I’m discovering my favourite old classics all over again.
I leisurely pick up books and read a few pages of each before putting them back, feeling completely at home surrounded by the smells I know and love, even though I’m somewhere I’ve never been before.
Hours pass by in this way.
Before I know it my tummy’s growling to let me know it’s lunchtime. I buy a couple of books for myself, Lauren and Billy (he probably won’t even try to read them, and she probably won’t have time, but you never know) and head back out into the sunshine to a little café nearby where I order myself a chicken salad and green smoothie. I’d never get myself something like this at home, but there’s something about being out in the heat that makes me veer towards a healthier option – my body craving more natural goodness now it’s getting a huge helping of vitamin D.
It’s only when I’m sitting down having a slurp on my drink that I take my phone out and realize Billy’s called a few times as well as texted to see if I’m OK. Bless him. I send a quick reply assuring him that I’m fine and filling him in on my lazy but lovely morning, to which he tells me he’s extremely jealous and that he hopefully won’t be
home too late tonight. Always great to hear. Instead of heading back home as planned, I continue to spend the afternoon mooching along the high street and the surrounding streets. I even find myself in a little park at one point and quietly sit and people-watch, which is fascinating because everyone is so different here.
I completely understand why Billy and his family ended up living West in Los Feliz rather than being isolated in Beverly Hills – although I’m sure even the Hollywood elite have a hubbub of activity that’s just as intriguing as this.
Just like my last trip I’m struck by the amount of homeless people wandering around or gathered in groups drinking. They look happy enough, but the sheer volume of them is what alarms me. I remember seeing homeless people in London, but they were generally lonesome individuals or a rarity. Here it doesn’t feel like that. It feels like a community, which just highlights the magnitude of their plight. Although none of them appear sad. They’re just getting on with life in the town known for its rumoured stream of endless possibilities for the people who move there, longing for their dreams to be fulfilled. It’s hard not to look at them and wonder what their stories are and how they ended up living on the streets. It’s hard not to feel for them. Yet I bet the last thing any of them want or need is my pity. At least I’m not ignoring them, I guess. I’m not one of those who turn a blind eye to their existence.
When I’ve had my fill of watching the varied collection of people passing by, I decide to walk back up the hill rather than get a car. I’m in no rush to be anywhere, after all.
It turns out the walk is a bit further than I imagined
and that the hill is a little steeper than the one back in Rosefont. It takes far longer than I thought it would. When I arrive back on the front doorstep I’m a hot, sweaty mess and decide to head straight to the kitchen to get myself a cold drink.
Walking through the doorway I hear a load of voices in the house, but it’s only when I’m on the sweeping staircase that I realize they’re coming from the lounge below.
‘Sophie,’ Billy sings, as soon as he sees me. ‘I’ve been calling you.’
‘Really? Sorry, phone’s in my bag,’ I puff, looking at the other faces in the room as I make my way closer, wishing I could have quickly had a shower before bumping into anyone.
Julie and Clive are standing with Richard and a woman who looks like she could be in her forties, although I imagine she’s a lot older – one thing I’ve really learnt here is that it’s near impossible to guess someone’s age. Framed by a fashionable below-the-shoulder blonde haircut, her tanned face is catlike, with taut skin gliding over her cheekbones. Her outfit is minimal and nondescript, yet stylishly decorated with the help of a dainty line of pearls around her slim neck. She looks professional, powerful and full of character.
‘This is Rhonda Wilson. My new manager,’ says Billy, gesturing towards her.
‘Oh, gosh,’ I stammer, looking down at myself and sweeping my frizzy hair back off my face. ‘Sorry, I don’t normally look like this.’
‘Shame, I think you look fabulous,’ Rhonda purrs,
holding out a hand for me to shake as her eyes twinkle in my direction.
‘Not sure about that,’ I mutter, feeling embarrassed at having her look even more closely at my appearance.
‘Drink?’ Julie asks, grabbing a glass and pouring some iced lemonade into it for me. ‘Here.’
‘Thank you,’ I smile, taking it and enjoying the freshness in my mouth.
‘Let’s sit down,’ Julie flaps, guiding everyone to the plush sofas. Bizarrely, she seems nervous, which is not how I’m used to her behaving at all, she’s usually so calm and in control – well, when things are going her way that is.
I do as I’m told and go to the furthest spot on the sofa. As Rhonda gracefully sinks down beside me, I find myself sitting next to the new woman in Billy’s life.
‘Sorry we’ve popped in unannounced,’ she says, her hands neatly folded on the tops of her thighs. ‘I’m sure Billy’s told you that we’ve been having a few meetings but now we’ve made everything official. I just dropped in so he could sign the contracts before he changes his mind. Now the boring bits are out of the way we can move forward.’
‘That’s great,’ I reply, not realizing things had already progressed to this stage. A couple of nights ago he said he’d been having some meetings, but not that things were at the stage where contracts were being signed. This seems like Billy has been far more productive in making decisions than he’s let on.
‘Decided to grab the bull by the horns, at last,’ says Richard, patting Billy on the back with a huge grin on his face.
‘Am I the bull or the horns?’ Rhonda asks in a measured tone as she turns to him with her eyebrows raised.
For the first time I’ve seen since meeting him, Richard is speechless. He stands open-mouthed while the rest of us try our hardest not to laugh.
‘Richard put me in touch with Rhonda,’ Billy explains to me. ‘They go way back.’
‘But not too far back,’ Rhonda adds, unable to stop a smile forming. ‘Now, Billy tells me you own a shop in London.’
‘Just outside,’ I nod, guessing she won’t have any idea where Kent is, but enjoying the fact that she’s taken an interest in me and what I do, despite being here on her own special business. ‘It’s a teashop, so there’s lots of tea and cake.’
‘Sounds charming.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Business is good?’
‘Really good,’ I nod, feeling like I’m being interviewed but not entirely sure what for.
‘Is it the sort of place you can franchise? Or have other shops within your control open up?’
‘I’ve never even thought of it,’ I admit with a shrug. ‘It’s not the sort of shop you can replicate. I wouldn’t want to. It’s too special …’
‘Plus you’ve got all sorts of plans for the place,’ encourages Billy.
‘Exactly. One shop is enough to keep me busy,’ I laugh.
‘Lovely. And you’ve never thought to try your hand at acting?’ she asks, tilting her chin ever so slightly into the air as she waits for my response.
Her question catches me so off guard that a loud laugh
pings from my mouth, surprising us both. ‘Sorry,’ I manage, controlling myself.
‘What’s so funny?’
‘I’m not … no. It’s not for me,’ I say, manically shaking my head at the thought, whilst my arms seem to take on a life of their own, bashing the idea away.
‘Such a shame. With your looks and that adorable accent we could’ve made magic. People are screaming out for authenticity and normal folk. Stars they can instantly connect with,’ she continues, looking at me sadly in a longing manner that almost makes me feel as though I’d say yes to anything she asked of me. She clearly knows how to work people in an endearing and friendly fashion to get what she wants. ‘There’s a reason Jennifer Lawrence has made such a splash, you know,’ she continues. ‘Obviously her talent is a huge part of it, but all that goofy behaviour and falling over on every red carpet she treads? Well, that’s the work of a genius and can’t be fabricated. She’s a normal girl living in a fantasy world. People love that. It’s easy to connect to.’