ALYSSA
I’m not ready for morning, but it comes along regardless. My heart sinks into my shoes as the enormity of the day hits me. I know Pete will be still ready to go. He
has
to; nothing anyone can say or do will change that. He’ll go stir crazy with grief without this, even if it makes no sense to everyone else. He’s decided on this mission, and it’ll happen one way or another. It’s up to me to keep him alive. I’m the only one that can go with him and defend him if he becomes overwhelmed. I don’t want to complain. After all, I’m sure he would do the same for me. That’s what being in a group is all about, but it doesn’t make the challenge any easier to digest. Especially not now, while things are so rough and so amazing all at the same time.
Emily’s eyes are wet with tears as she wakes up, as if she’s been crying in her sleep. She barely speaks for a while, and I know she’s frightened of the emotion overcoming her. I feel the same way, but I need to keep an air of confidence circling me. If she knows that I’m afraid, it’ll frighten her so much more.
I don’t say the word ‘goodbye’ aloud even once. I can’t, it’s layered with too much pressure, and it suggests I may not return. Instead, I use the phrase “We’ll see you in a bit” to every single person. I can see the confusion, the worry in all of their faces, and I can’t do anything to dispel it. All I need to do is get through this with Pete and get back before nightfall. The sooner we return the better, for everyone’s peace of mind. Hopefully Pete will come back much better off and ready to move on. It’s hard for all of us, but we need to be strong. Especially for Leon.
We try to leave quietly, without too much of a fuss, but everyone waits at the fence to see us off. I glance back, wishing I could have kissed Emily one last time before leaving, but as no one knows and it’s still too soon to tell, I had to just hug her close. All the words I wanted to whisper in her ears had to be left unsaid. If I’d uttered anything to do with love, we could’ve been overheard and she would’ve immediately assumed the worst. I just know the way Emily’s mind works.
As we jog alongside the road, the RAF base becoming a dot in the distance, I try to make light conversation about the journey that lies ahead of us, but soon realise that it isn’t working. This is going to be all the more challenging than any of the previous trips outside that we’ve had. This one doesn’t have a point, a conclusion that we need to reach. This is all about Pete’s emotions. I have no idea how long it’s going to take for this to be done. Emotion spells trouble, and this is full of it.
Suddenly, I realise that Pete’s no longer in my peripheral vision. He isn’t running alongside me anymore. I turn back to see him crumpled to the ground in tears. Anxiety grips me. I don’t know how to deal with this; I’m no good at confronting my own feelings, never mind the turbulence of others. This situation makes us vulnerable and I can’t cope with that at all. This is a terrible place for a breakdown.
I turn back, determined that this needs to be the stopping point of our expedition. I’ll comfort him the best I can whilst he’s upset, then I’ll bring him back to the base, where we’re safe and he can feel however he wants. Hopefully this is the thing he needed to do. Hopefully this is him getting it out of his system. If he just wanted to do this away from the prying eyes of everyone else, he’s achieved it, so there really is no need to continue on.
I reach down and touch his shoulder, but he violently jerks me off. Unsure of what I need to do for the best, I sit beside him ready to wait it out. I can sense that my silence is needed. I keep vigilant the entire time, every single shadow spelling danger. I can’t relax for even a second. I’ve gotten far too used to the security of the base; it’s been so long since I’ve been out here in the cruel world. Being outside no longer suits me at all. I can fight, of course, but it’s been such a long time now, will the skill still be there? Do I still have the quick reflexes that I always relied on?
“Pete I—” As I turn to face Pete again, I’m stunned by his lips roughly connecting with mine. It feels strange; familiar but alien all at the same time. I quickly realise that I don’t like it. I push him off as swiftly as my brain starts working again, knowing that I’m going to hurt his feelings, but also sure that kissing is the wrong thing for us to be doing. Pete isn’t the one I want to be this close to. He never has been.
“No, I don’t—we need to get going…”I trail off feebly. I’m trying to be considerate with my words, but his mood predictably turns to anger anyway. His eyes darken and he frowns intently, furrowing his eyebrows.
“Why the hell not, Alyssa? What’s wrong with me? I could be the last guy on Earth and you still aren’t interested. How obvious do I have to make it?”
His words shock me into silence. My vision has been so focused on Emily that I haven’t even noticed Pete trying to get my attention. I never realised unobservant I am. I’ve learnt another new thing about myself. I try to recall any events that he might be talking about, but everything except Emily’s face is blurry and in the background of my thoughts. “I didn’t…I didn’t know.” My words are hollow and unnecessary. They aren’t going to make Pete feel better at all. I thought me and Pete just ‘got along’ because we had to. I didn’t think we really had anything in common, I never would have suspected that there was anything other than toleration, or maybe friendship at a push between us. To be perfectly honest, I thought he hated me.
“How are we going to repopulate the planet if you won’t even look at me?” I’m forced to gaze right at him, and it’s immediately clear that this last comment was a dark joke. He has a weak smile on his lips but the tears are still dripping from his eyes. I want to hug him, but I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do. Will that give the wrong impression?
Soon, without speaking, Pete stands up and stalks off. I follow meekly behind, lost in the ocean of my own thoughts. I’ve been so thrown by his confession that I completely forgot to suggest returning to the base. We continue this way for a couple of hours, for miles until we reach the edge of the town.
We stop dead still. I’m trying to assess the danger, trying to figure out how many zombies are left here. Can they smell us? They certainly haven’t immediately been drawn to our location, in any case. I wonder again if they are dying out. I’m sure Emily’s theory is correct. It seems that we’re in a lot less danger than I first thought.
“Shall we?” I ask gently, still wanting to return to our home as quickly as possible. Even if it
is
pretty safe, I don’t fancy being out here in the dark.
Pete lets out a huge sigh and turns to face me. “I don’t really know what we need, to be honest, Alyssa. I didn’t really come out here for that.” I nod; I’d already worked that much out. “I need to go home, back to where I live…well, lived before all of this happened. Losing Randy just reminded me of losing my family. They died by AM13 of course, but it still brought it all back.” He huffs loudly, gearing himself up to say more. I start to panic, is he going to tell me that he’s come here to commit suicide? Or stay at his home, is he really ditching the group? “Sorry that I’ve brought you all this way for this. I’ve spent all my time trying
not
to remember my family, and it’s worked well, too well. Now I can’t even picture what they look like. I thought I needed to forget about them to survive, but it isn’t working anymore. I need something, anything. A photograph, a letter. I need a memento of my previous life. Do you know what I mean?”
I nod again, turning away so he doesn’t see the sadness filling my expression. I’ve had the same problem. When I try to think of Lexi, I only see the zombie version of her. It’s as if my little sister never existed in her human form. “Let’s go,” I whisper, not wanting to breakdown myself. I half wonder if I should go home too, while we’re here. Maybe I should collect something too, but I know I’ll be faced with Lexi’s corpse and I don’t know if I’ll be able to walk out on her a second time. I can’t risk that, it’s unwise for so many reasons.
We move quickly and quietly, but it seems unnecessary. We don’t encounter any zombies, but we do find a few corpses. These seem to be the dead bodies of the previously infected, but they’re in such a state it’s difficult to tell. They could’ve simply been eaten and left behind. Last time we were here; it was absolutely full of zombies. Did they all move on or are they all as dead as the few we’ve seen? Without a food source to keep them going, could their bodies really be failing them? I wish I knew for sure.
Finally we reach a small terraced house, and I can tell by the way Pete’s whole demeanour changes that this is the place. His shoulders tense up and his breaths become laboured. Sweat droplets start falling from his forehead. I wonder if there’s something else in there, something else that he ‘needs to do’ that he hasn’t told me about.
Before I can question him, he starts speaking in a cracked voice. “You wait here. I won’t be long.” He doesn’t take his eyes off the building the whole time he’s speaking. He doesn’t look at me once.
I shrug my shoulders, having no need to argue. “Yeah, sure.” As I watch him leave, I pray that this helps him get his act together. I know the group will never go back to the way it was without Randy, but we need to get some semblance of normality. We have to carry on, we’ve made it this far and we need to continue. We can’t lose everything now. Not when we’ve worked so hard.
I have a feeling that he’ll be inside for a while, so I scan the area for any potential threats, even though I know I won’t see any. I can’t shake my need to be vigilant. I sit on the fence at the edge of Pete’s old garden and allow my mind to wander, imagining what the future holds for me and the rest of us. I envisage great things, especially for myself and Emily. I picture us surviving through the zombie apocalypse successfully, coming out of it better and more powerful. Then I start to wonder how our relationship will progress if it ever ends, if AM13 is finally cured. Will we be able to make it work in ‘real life’? Will we get married; have children, live together forever? I just have no idea about life outside of this crazy little world anymore and that’s petrifying.
Pete’s footsteps from behind me drag me out of my imagination. “Hey, everything all right then?” I whip around, pleased that we can now leave, but to my surprise it’s the rotting face of a familiar woman right in front of me, only a few inches away.
I know her, but at the same time I really don’t.
“Mum…?” I pant, standing upright. “Mum, is that…is that you?”
Her skin is blackened, her veins dangling from her arms. Her mouth is filled with blood and broken, yellow teeth. Her eyes are bloodshot, her irises completely white. Her long dark hair, which was always very similar to mine, has practically vanished, leaving just a few dreadlocked strands behind.
As she snarls and moves, she leaves a trail of organs and chunks of flesh behind her. She moves slowly, so slowly it’s almost as if it’s happening in slow motion, but still I can’t move. I’m so stunned that I’m frozen to the spot. Much as I want to run, I can’t. She’s so close, but if I acted quickly enough, I could probably get out of the way.
“Mum, I…?” My brain is acting irrationally, as if it wants to actually have some sort of conversation with this beastly version of my mother.
Come on, get moving!
I think, but it gets me nowhere. My feet have become lead weights, firmly sticking to the ground below, my body solid stiff in a rigid position. I can’t shout or even scream. I need to do something,
anything
to get myself away from this disgusting scent, before I vomit with the spores of decay sitting calmly in my throat.
She continues to move, and I remain stuck in one place.
This is the woman I resented for most of my life. Then when she left, I was angry, followed closely by incredibly hurt. Seeing her like this has brought all of these emotions to the surface once more. I see my hand reaching out towards her, but I can’t feel it happening—as if my limb has completely disconnected from my body. It brushes against the gooey skin on her face as she moves closer, stripping her cheek of even more flesh. She doesn’t flinch, or even seem to notice the pain that this should be causing. She just keeps coming for me.
Everything I know about zombies just abandons my mind as we stand there face-to-face. All I feel is a hollow sadness that
this
is what has become of the woman that gave birth to me.
It seems that she doesn’t share in this sentimental moment with me, because before I can even blink an eye, her teeth have sunk deep into my cheek.
The pain snaps something in my brain and my legs finally start to push back. I continue to run until I’m hiding around the side of one of the buildings. I pant heavily, my heart pounding violently, blood pouring from my body, as I look around to see if she’s followed me. To my relief, something else has taken her attention in the other direction. It’s as if I never even existed to her. She’s just ruined me, killed me, and then moved on to something else. My own mother.
I stagger back onto the street, agony radiating through my entire body. My vision starts to blur and the throbbing in my brain makes it difficult to get my head together, to plan my next move. I slump to the ground, desperate to cry. Am I going to become a zombie now? It’s too much for me to contemplate. I can’t believe this has happened to me. It’s so unfair, everything I’ve survived and fought against, everything I’ve achieved during this awful time was all for nothing. I’m a fighter. I’ve worked myself to survive this world perfectly, so how the hell has
this
happened to me? I can’t understand it. Not at all.