Amanda's Wedding (31 page)

Everyone stopped talking.

‘What game?' said Fran.

‘I don't know. Let's play a game. Something. Ehm, Truth or Forfeit.'

Everyone groaned.

‘If only we were all fifteen,' said Fran, ‘that would be a great idea.'

‘No, come on, guys … just for a laugh.'

Fran passed him an empty bottle. ‘Hey, maybe then we can spin this!'

‘Fine, OK.' Alex hated losing his cool like that. ‘I don't give a toss. Just thought it might add a bit of spark, given that we're sitting here starving to death.'

‘Thanks very much,' I flared up from the top of my high chair. Then I remembered that they were my guests and I was starving them to death, so I shut up again.

‘Rally, I don't mind, but why don't you ask the first question and we'll see if we want to play or not?' said Mookie quietly. The girl was a born compromiser.

Alex still looked a bit sulky. Then he took another drink of wine and sat back.

‘OK then.' There was a general groaning around the table, but the wine was going down easy and we couldn't talk football for ever. I looked at Angus, and he seemed relieved that his nursemaiding duties would be over for a bit.

‘Here we go,' said Alex. ‘Who's –'

‘Wait a wee minute,' said Nash. ‘Whit's the forfeit?'

‘You'll find out.' Alex showed his teeth.

‘Och, that's no fair, ken. You cannae just make up the rules.'

‘For God's sake, you two!' said Fran. ‘Jesus, you can't let boys anywhere near each other when it comes to games.'

Nash sat back in his chair.

Alex decided to start with Mookie, across the table.

‘OK, Mookie, who's the most embarrassing person you've ever fancied?'

‘Hang on,' I said, ‘famous or not famous?'

‘Famous. Unless everyone else knows them.'

‘Fine.'

Mookie thought for a minute.

‘Well, we did have this very dishy stable hand, but I don't suppose that counts.'

‘Boy or girl?' asked Alex curiously. I threw my napkin at him.

‘Oh, rally,' said Mookie, blushing. ‘No, I suppose it would have to be … Adam Ant.'

‘Adam Ant's not embarrassing!' said Fran and I practically simultaneously. The boys howled with laughter.

‘Oh God, what turned you on most?' asked Alex, laughing. ‘The highwayman or the pirate?'

‘Shut up! At the time, it was not embarrassing!'

‘Erm, actually, I fancy him now,' said Mookie, going red.

‘Ohhh.' That put a different slant on things.

‘Who is he now?' I asked.

‘I don't know. Still a highwayman, probably,' she said dreamily. My mouth dropped open as Fran and I looked at each other in horror.

‘Definitely straight into the lead there,' said Alex.

‘I thought this was Truth or Forfeit?' said Nash. ‘How come there's points?'

‘There's points for the most embarrassing truth,' said Alex.

‘Oh, right. New rule,' said Nash. Everyone else yelled at him to shut up.

‘OK, you next,' said Alex.

‘I'm no going if Ah don't know what the forfeit is.'

Alex looked exasperated. ‘Melanie,' he yelled at me unexpectedly, ‘even though we're moving in together, we're never having kids in case they end up like him, OK?'

I nodded understandingly.

‘The forfeit is, if you don't answer the question, I hang you out of the window by your ankles for two minutes.'

‘That's no a forfeit for me, that's a forfeit for you.'

‘Believe me, it's a forfeit for you.'

Nash thought about it for a moment.

‘Aye, all right then.'

‘So, who's the most embarrassing person you've ever fancied?'

Nash looked shyly at his hands for a moment, then smiled to himself.

‘Gail Tilsley.'

It took us a moment to figure out who this character was, before remembering
Coronation Street
.

‘No!'

‘When?'

‘How?'

‘Well, ken, I just felt sorry for her, and it kind of went from that, really.'

‘Felt sorry for her how?' asked Fran. ‘Because she still uses curling tongs on only half her hair?'

Nash still couldn't help himself grinning with embarrassment.

‘No, like, after Brian died and that.'

I laughed merrily to myself. This was working out well after all.

‘That's pretty good,' said Alex.

‘Do Ah get more points?'

‘No, I'm afraid a twenty-year attachment to a man named after an insect is worth more than a passing sympathy fuck for a fictional character.'

Amanda was next.

‘This is a stupid game,' she said.

‘Oh my God – not the pony!' yelled Fran. Everyone burst out into guffaws. Definitely, there was a bit too much wine floating about for this early in the evening.

‘Don't be ridiculous, Francesca.' Amanda's face resumed its habitual snotty look.

‘Forfeit! Forfeit! Forfeit!' Angus and Nash took up the chanting.

‘Oh, for goodness' sake!' she looked furious.

‘Forfeit! Forfeit! Forfeit!' Alex had started banging his cutlery on the table.

‘Oh, bloody hell. OK, then: bloody Gerry Adams. Now, fuck off.'

Instantly there was silence. Fran clapped a hand over her mouth.

‘No!'

‘Ha, so, now you don't believe me!'

‘No, but just …'

‘Don't say it. He's a politician, that's all.'

‘He's not a politician! He's a …'

Amanda shot Fran a very dangerous look. Fran grinned and edged away slightly.

‘You don't … know him, do you?'

‘No, of course not. Right, can we move on now, please? I've done mine.'

Alex raised his eyebrows. ‘I'm afraid dodgy Irish type beats dandy highwayman. Sorry, Mooks.'

Amanda looked cool as a cucumber, but as the attention moved to Fraser, I saw her take a huge swig of wine. Well, bloody hell. Maybe there were some depths to this woman, after all. Or maybe she just liked beards and a sense of danger. That must be it.

Fraser was pondering. ‘I suppose I should say Amanda,' he said. Nobody laughed. ‘Only kidding,' he said. Still, nobody laughed, although we did try to look encouraging.

‘God, I don't know,' he sighed.

‘I do,' said Angus, looking evil.

‘Who?' said Fraser.

‘You know.'

‘No, I don't. Remind me.'

Immediately, Angus got up and started stroking and fondling imaginary long hair.

‘Don't push too far …' he sang. ‘Your dreams are/China in your hand …'

Fraser's smile widened. ‘No way!'

‘Don't wish too hard/Because they may come true.'

‘That red-headed midget from T'pau …?'

‘… And you can't help them/Don't push too far …'

‘Jesus, I can't even remember her name!'

‘China in your hand …' finished Angus, managing to mime a huge pair of tits and look coy at the same time. ‘I love you, Fraser McConnald.'

We gave him as much of a storm of applause as eight people could muster – seven, if you discounted Amanda, who was looking furious.

Fraser laughed heartily. ‘So I did. I thought she was gorgeous, then I looked at her one day and thought she was absolutely awful.'

‘She was awful,' I agreed, nodding my head vigorously.

‘I know. Well, there you go. How do I do on the points-ometer, Alex?'

‘Not too well, actually, old chap.'

‘Why not?'

‘Ha!' said Nash.

‘Erm, no reason,' said Alex, blushing.

‘Did you –' I started with delight. Fran coughed up her red wine until it came out her nose.

‘Carol Decker!' she spluttered, getting red wine everywhere. ‘That was her name!'

I was helpless with laughter watching Fran spit everywhere.

‘But she was four foot one!' I yelled. ‘She made Kylie Minogue look like a heifer!'

‘Kylie Minogue only has the brains of a heifer,' said Fran.

‘Ehm, Kylie was going to be mine, actually,' said Angus. ‘I don't need to have a go now.'

‘No!' I yelled. ‘I can't believe what a THING you boys all have for fucking skinny midgets! Sorry, Amanda.'

I realized suddenly that I had put an apology in where there should never have been one.

Foot, mouth, and easy insertion instructions.

Amanda sniffed imperiously, and looked at her watch.

‘Is this game finished? Because, Fraser, it's time we were going.'

‘Amanda, it's only ten o'clock and we haven't eaten yet.'

‘Well, I'm tired and I want to go home. Take me home, please.'

Fraser looked at her straightforwardly. ‘I'm not ready to go yet. It would be rude, and I'm hungry and I want to stay here and chat to my friends.'

‘Oh, for God's sake, Fraser! Do you want me to go by myself?'

‘I don't mind.'

There was a silence.

‘OK then, I will.' Her face went very tight. ‘In fact, I think I'll just go out on my own.'

‘I thought you were tired.'

‘Shut the fuck up!'

Shakily, she stabbed at her mobile.

‘Jacintha? Hi, darling, it's Amanda.'

‘Yes … no, just at this really dull dinner party. Thought I might come over. Where are you? … Oh, Blinski's – great. I'll hop in a cab and see you there in half an hour. Ciao, darling.'

She hung up, then stalked imperiously out of the room.

‘I'll get my own coat, thank you,' she shouted as she heard me get up.

‘Mookie, are you coming?' we heard from the hallway.

Mookie looked at us, terrified. Fran shook her head vehemently. ‘You don't have to go,' she whispered. Mookie took a deep breath.

‘Ahem … no,' she said quietly. We could hear Amanda pausing outside.

‘Say hello to Gerry for us!' hollered Fran.

Then the door slammed and she was gone.

Silence fell. Everyone gazed at their plates. Finally Fraser heaved a sigh.

‘I'm sorry, everyone.'

‘What, for your wife? Might as well get used to that,' Fran said.

‘Shh,' I said to Fran. ‘Don't worry about it, Frase. She must just be really tense.'

‘Tense,' he said. We watched him with bated breath, but he didn't say any more.

‘Rigid, more like,' said Alex, and Nash sniggered.

‘Can we get on with the game, please?' Alex poured himself another glass of wine.

‘Thanks, Mr Sensitivity,' I said snidely.

‘God, it's the all-in couples fun match night tonight,' pointed out Fran. Alex grimaced at her and she shut up.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Nash risk a very small piece of salad.

‘Oh my God! The lasagne!'

I dashed into the kitchen, followed closely by Angus. As I opened the oven and smoke poured out, he knelt down next to me with a serious look on his face.

‘I think we should get Fraser NOW,' he whispered urgently.

‘For God's sake, how many times do I have to tell you not to talk seriously to me while I'm holding burnt lasagne?'

He grinned. ‘You know what I mean. I'll tell Mookie – she's on our side –'

‘I don't have a side any more.'

‘Och, come on. Yes, you do.'

‘No, I don't.'

He ignored me.

‘Then we'll get him pissed and talk him out of the wedding.'

I dumped the lasagne on the kitchen unit. It was black and hard round the edges. I started to file those bits away with a knife.

‘What do you think this is,
Mission: Impossible
?'

‘Come on. Look at the way she behaved. Bet you he's having second thoughts.'

‘Gustard, no one ever has an idea of what's going on inside other people's relationships. We just don't know. I think we should leave them alone. He seems fine to me.'