Read American Love Songs Online
Authors: Ashlyn Kane
“Whatever, you love me. Okay, so Im going to assume that your random hookups are going to stop.” The tone in her voice left no argument that those random hookups would, in fact, be stopping.
Jake blew out a breath, wondering what it said about him that he was not even moderately concerned about that. “Obviously. I mean, I havent—not since I realized.” Not since a long time before that, actually. It would have felt like cheating, which seemed strange, especially since hed never really had a boyfriend to cheat on before.
If Parker wanted to see that, he could just look in the mirror while he was cutting Jakes heart into pieces. “Okay, but—I dont know if thats going to be enough.” He swallowed, hearing Parkers words in his head again.
Do you have to update the entire world on the status of your never-ending quest to get into my pants?
“I dont know if anything is going to be enough.”
“Parker doesnt have feelings for me. I fucked up our friendship beyond repair, and Chris is going to kick my ass for wrecking the band.”
Taking a deep, shaky breath, Jake considered. “Parkers pretty mad. He said some things… and you know what hes like. He never says anything to hurt anyone. And things have been pretty strained in the house lately.”
“I deserve it. Everything he said was true.” But the idea of Parker with someone else—anyone else—still brought an uncomfortable, cold rush to his stomach, still drained the moisture from his mouth. Jake knew that if it came down to forgiving Parker or jeopardizing the band, he would choose the band every time. His friendships—not just Parkers, but also Chris and Jimmys—were too important to him, and while he had no practical experience having cause to be angry with Parker, he already knew he could never stay angry. He was
hurt
, but that wasnt Parkers fault. “He didnt do anything wrong.” “Okay. Good. Now whats your best-case scenario?”
Jake hardly dared to think about it. “Allanna—”
Her tone brooked no disagreement. “Humor me.”
With some effort, he managed to get out the words. “He wants… he has feelings for me, but he thinks… that Im flighty, or that Ill hurt him, that Ill use him.”
He doesn’t trust me.
“Evidence?”
Jake protested. “Allanna—”
Could Parker really have feelings for him? Jake had to admit that it was possible—after all, he hadnt exactly pushed Jake away either time that they had kissed. The problem with the task Allanna had set for him was that Jake was torn. He desperately wanted to believe that Parker could love him, but he was terrified that he would make himself see something that wasnt there.
But it would be worse if he missed out on something that he knew would be great because he was too chicken to consider the possibility, so he thought about it.
He thought about Parkers effortless friendship. About getting to know him over a bottle of rum. About the trust Parker had had in him back then, when hed let Jake feed him whiskey and take his glasses before a show. About being sick on a bus driving across the country, Parker hovering concerned above him, and about coming back to the hotel room far later than Parker was normally awake, almost like he was waiting up, and the way Parker had never really warmed to Elliot.
“Jake?”
He swallowed. “I gotta go.”
He could almost hear Allannas soft smile. “Godspeed.”
From: Jake
As long as its not about sex 1:37 p.m. 11/09/10
From: Bec
As if. a couple of my friends r goin on a 10 day xmas cruise 1:50 p.m. 11/09/10
From: Jake
No way
1:53 p.m. 11/09/10
From: Bec
You dont think mom will go 4 it? 1:55 p.m. 11/09/10
From: Jake
Over xmas? ya rite 1:56 p.m. 11/09/10
From: Jake
Where r they going? what line? 2:01 p.m. 11/09/10
From: Bec
Holland america. Carribean 2:03 p.m. 11/09/10
From: Bec
Really ull talk to her??!!! 2:04 p.m. 11/09/10
From: Jake
Ill see what i can do. no promises 2:06 p.m. 11/0910
Hi, guys. Bet you cant guess who. So this week has apparently been a slow news week, because the most talked about piece of gossip on the Internet is that I am gay. Imagine my surprise when my sister called me this afternoon to warn me! (That the news was out, not that I was gay. I knew that already.)
I want to make a few things clear before the madness starts. I remember what this was like for Jake, so I have some idea of what to expect. First of all, I want to explain why I have never come forward with this before. The main reason is that I dont have someone in my life right now that fills that role. As it is, the issue just never came up. Ive never pretended to date a woman, but I havent actually dated a man, either— not since college. There really wasnt much to tell. Those of you who are still convinced Jake and I are screwing like rabbits—youre still wrong. Sorry.
The second reason is not something Im proud of, but I want to be honest. Im not ashamed of being gay—wait, thats not exactly right. I know that being gay is nothing to be ashamed of. However, I was raised in a very religious family, and I had the belief that
homosexuality was wrong drilled into me from a very young age. Those of you who have had similar experiences know how hard it is to overcome that kind of internalized belief. I no longer keep in contact with anyone in my family except my sister, and my family has disowned her for daring to speak to me. You cant imagine how lucky and guilty I feel that my sister chose me, that she had a strong enough character to put our upbringing behind us. I wish I had her strength.
Intellectually, I know theres nothing “wrong” with me—heck, I can even get away with saying “some of my best friends are gay!” Getting to know Jake and his frankly insane (but amazing) family has helped me in a lot of ways, but ultimately this is something I have to face myself. I hope you can all forgive me for my unintentional deception while I try to work through these issues.
From: Mickey Mouse
just treat him w/respect & have him home by 9 6:01 p.m. 11/15/10
From: Jake
is it as bad an idea as i think it is? 6:03 p.m. 11/15/10
From: Mickey Mouse worse
6:05 p.m. 11/15/10
From: Mickey Mouse
but i think he wants 2 say yes 6:05 p.m. 11/1510
From: Mickey Mouse gl ull need it
6:06 p.m. 11/15/10
Parker was standing at the stove flipping pancakes. He was wearing a pair of jeans that might have actually been Jakes, if the way they hugged his ass and dragged on the floor were any indication. Jake made an effort not to stare. “Hey.” He flipped the last pancake onto a plate. “You want some?”
God, even Jake wanted to flee the room; he couldnt imagine how Parker felt about it. Well, yes, he could, actually, because Parkers expression wasnt exactly difficult to read. It was layered with trepidation, but his voice was steady when he intoned, “Im listening.”
Jake swallowed hard past the lump in his throat and prayed his words came out in a coherent jumble. “I know you think I just want to sleep with you, but thats not true.”
God, please let Mickey be right.
It was obvious that he was not convinced. “Thats so,” Jake affirmed. He wanted to sit down, but it felt like he needed permission. “Look, Im not very good at showing it, I get that. But its not like that, okay? Its not just about sex.”
Calmly, Parker sliced off a piece of pancake and swirled it in syrup before bringing it to his mouth and chewing slowly. “How do you know its not just about sex for me?”
Jakes stomach did a somersault, and suddenly the smell of the syrup made him want to be sick. “Well, the fact that Im not getting any is a pretty good indication, I thought.”
“Maybe Im just being nice. Maybe I just dont want to break your heart.” The words were a little cruel, punctuated by another leisurely bite of pancake, as if they were discussing the weather.
Jake had a sudden moment of clarity and realized that this was what Parker had felt like after that day in the dressing room. “Maybe,” he hedged, “but I hope not. Youre better than that, Parker.”
And maybe this was a stupid idea after all. Breathing deeply through his nose, Jake tried to keep calm long enough to see this through to the kind of conclusion he could get some closure from. “Let me prove it to you.”
Parker blinked his eyes up at him, face unreadable. “Forgive me if Im missing the obvious, but how exactly is sleeping with me going to prove to me that you dont just want my body?”
Ouch.
“I said „boyfriend, not „sex slave,” Jake said defensively. “Theres a difference?”
Giving up on his formal approach, Jake pulled out the chair across from Parker and sat down. “Would you just hear me out for a minute before blowing me off?”
Parker finally broke his gaze to look down at his breakfast. He skewered a piece of pancake viciously. The butterflies in Jakes stomach started working overtime. “Fine.”
Jake knitted his hands together on the tabletop to keep from fidgeting. “Heres what Im thinking. The main problem is that you think Im not interested in having a relationship—or maybe you think Im not capable of having a relationship. Im not sure which. You are worried that I will use you for sex and then lose interest or something, which is outrageous, by the way. What Im suggesting is that we should have the relationship, because how else am I going to prove that I can, and we avoid the other issue by not having sex.” The words came out in a verbal avalanche, and he was pretty sure he wasnt going to get any points for style, but at least the idea was out there now, and Parker could stop looking at him like that.
God, could he be any denser? “No, idiot, I want you to be my real celibate boyfriend.” Jake paused and rethought his words. “Well, no, thats not really true. If it were up to me, celibacy would not be part of the equation. But I, you know, lo—I care for you a lot, and I know youve got no reason to trust me right away, so. Well take it slow. You call the shots.”
Parkers face, which had paled enough to make his freckles stand out at Jakes little verbal slip-up, became thoughtful, like he was actually considering this completely insane plan. Jake tried not to let the mental victory dance he was doing show on his face. “Why would you want to do that?” The accusatory tone had gone from his voice.
Seriously, how did Parker not know the answer to that? “Because youre worth it. Because I dont know how else to get you to give me a chance. Because if I dont fight for this as hard as I can, Im going to regret it later. I havent been with anyone in six weeks, Parker. Its not gonna fall off. Im a big boy; I can do this.”
“I already dont like the first rule, and I invented it. The second one cant be any harder.” Jake found himself blushing. “Uh, pun intended, I guess.”
Taking a deep breath, Jake nudged Parker back with his foot, feeling their knees bump. His heart was beating what felt like a thousand times a minute, but he forced himself to pay attention. “Okay, Im listening.”
Jakes heart sank a little, because the words had been welling up inside of him since hed sorted himself out, and hed never been very good at keeping his mouth shut. He tried not to sound too disappointed. “Can I ask why not?”
Jake flinched. Back to the trust issue again. It stung a little, but it made sense, and itd be worth every moment of agony between now and then if it meant Parker believed him, so he ducked his head a little and nodded, trying to get himself under control. “Okay.”