America's Bravest (42 page)

Huh!
They’d only told the kids he
was switching jobs.

“How do you know she feels that way?”

Miguel rolled his eyes like Sophia did when
she was thinking,
puh-lease.
“I heard you two
talking.”

“Were you eavesdropping?”

“No. You were fighting and I heard stuff.
More than once.”

“Why didn’t you ask me about all this?”

“I was afraid. All me and Mari want is you to
be happy. And for Mom not to be so sad.”

That was food for thought.

“So, why’s she still moping around if you’re
safe now?”

He looked at Miguel and wondered what he
should tell his son. Finally, he said, “I don’t know, buddy, I
really don’t know.”

Sophia picked Miguel up at three so he could
go to basketball practice. She seemed fine to him. Of course, he
knew she was feeling shitty about the whole sex thing, but he
didn’t know she was as sad as before. An hour later, he was in
Harrison’s office wanting to talk to Jack about this.

“What’s going on?” the counselor asked.

He told Jack about Miguel coming to work with
him, about the boy’s question.

The guy sank back in his chair. “How does
that make you feel, Tony? That she’s still not happy.”

“Sad, I guess.”

“You’re not pissed? Don’t answer right away.
Think about it.”

He did. And here, in the safe confines, he
let emotion rise in him. “Yeah, I am pissed. What do I have to do
to make her happy?”

“Interesting question. But I’m not sure it’s
the right one. You know, we’ve never talked about therapy for
her.
”

“Not a chance.”

“Why?”

“Um, it’s so private, Jack. We…we never told
anybody else.”

“You can tell me. Everything’s confidential
here.”

After relating the whole sad story, Jack was
visibly upset. “Did the asshole keep working at the school?”

“No, after we grew up and thought about what
happened, I checked. He got fired right after we graduated. No
reason given. That’s a laugh.”

“I’m glad he was away from kids.”

“I wish he was dead.”

“Why?”

“That episode did so much harm to Sophia.
She’d never go for counseling after we lost the baby or after 9/11
or now. But I don’t blame her.”

Jack waited a minute. Tony liked that he was
reflective in these sessions. “I could talk to her.”

“She’d never agree.”

“You could come with her.”

“I used that argument before, and still
no.”

Harrison watched him. Now the guy looked like
he was making a decision. “I’ve been thinking about something for a
while now. We have support groups here at the Academy.”

“What kinds do you have?”

“One for PTSD, for example.”

“Sophia doesn’t have that.”

“I agree. But I’ve been getting some calls
and had some clients who talk about how their families have a hard
time with their jobs, especially on the anniversary of September
eleventh. I’ve been toying with the idea of starting a group for
the families of firefighters who have issues with the job.”

“That’s a great idea, Jack. But I don’t think
Sophia would come. It’s still therapy.”

“With the safety net of other people
around.”

“I doubt it. The scars go deep.”

“You know what, Tony? When we started
talking, I said I wouldn’t tell you to do anything, but I’m going
to say something now that might contradict that. For your own good,
since you’re my patient and not Sophia.”

“Don’t say anything against her.”

“I won’t. But you have rights in your
marriage, too. You’ve given up a lot for her. Maybe it’s time she
does something for you.”

Jack’s suggestion wasn’t a new thought, but
Tony was still bothered by it.

They tried again to make love, and it was
still a no go. Sophia didn’t think she’d ever seen anybody as
frustrated—and angry—as her husband was. Bolting out of bed, he
strode to the bathroom and slammed the door shut.

She sat back against the headboard, closing
her eyes, knowing,
knowing,
she was at fault for his
impotence. She was a nurse, for God’s sake, and it didn’t take
Freud to figure out this one. Though Brock Carrington had
helped.

She’d been sitting in the cafeteria, playing
with some chicken salad when he came up to her…

“Want some company?”

“Yeah, sure.”

He smiled as he sat. Once again, she wondered
if he and Susan had a good marriage.

“You look so sad,” he said after he unwrapped
a BLT. I thought things would be better now that Tony’s given up
firefighting.”

“In some ways they are. In others not.”

His blue gaze held hers. “Look, I wasn’t
going to say anything, but I can’t stand watching you suffer like
this. You need help, Sophia. I can recommend a good
psychiatrist.”

“I don’t like the idea of counseling.”

“You’ve alluded to that before, but
something’s gotta give. And as long as I’m in this deep, I might as
well say if Susan asked me to give up my career as a surgeon, I’m
not sure I’d do it. I’d feel, I don’t know, less of a man. In my
book, Tony’s more of a man than I’ll ever be, but he has his
limits.…”

Shit, shit, shit. She stared at the closed
bathroom door. Getting off the bed, she walked to it, knocked, then
opened it. He was standing in front of the mirror, his arms braced
on the sink. His muscles bulged, his shoulders were stiff and his
face impossibly taut. “Do I make you feel like less of a man,
Tony?”

His eyes widened when he caught her gaze in
mirror. He shook his head, but she interpreted the emotion in his
eyes.

“Is that what you’ve been thinking?” she
prodded.

Still facing her in the glass, he shook his
head. “I didn’t think so initially, but I did some research, and
Harrison mentioned it today.”

“You didn’t say anything about your meeting
with him.”

“I…” Now his face got bleaker. “I know. I was
afraid to.”

“You were afraid to tell me something? Oh,
God, I hate all this between us. And I feel like I’ve caused the
breach.”

Turning, he tugged her close and held her
against his bare chest. “You can’t help what your mind wants, Soph.
It’s not your fault.”

“I guess you can’t help what your body’s
saying, either. You can’t make love to me because of something
psychological. We need to face that.”

He sighed. And didn’t contradict her.

“That’s what Jack Harrison thinks,
right?”

Waiting a long time, holding her so close she
could feel his breathing escalate, he finally murmured, “Yeah. He
does.”

oOo

It was the halfway mark for the recruits at
the Academy and Tony was glad the course work was finished. The
probies were in shape, and the rest of the time would be spent on
practical application, like now, learning how to use a K-12 saw. Ed
Snyder was demonstrating the technique, and immediately Tony knew
what the guy was doing wrong. Inwardly, Tony smiled. He was a good
teacher, better than most of the staff, as Olive had told
Miguel.

She approached him. “Boy, I like it when we
get to this point. Now the training’s all hands-on.”

“I was thinking the same thing.”

They watched the recruits fumble, unable to
start the monstrous saw. She asked, “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“You gonna stay after February, at the
Academy, I mean?”

“I’m planning to.”

“Why, Tony? You’re a top-notch firefighter.
Like I said before, you’re the best teacher I’ve ever seen from the
line, but this doesn’t seem…you.”

“It’s a long, and very unpleasant,
story.”

“Okay, but if you ever wanna talk, I’m here.
For now, I’m gonna count on you for staffing next year.”

After Olive left, his heart ached so bad, he
thought maybe he was having an angina attack. He told one of the
other line guys he’d be right back, and hurried into the building.
As he walked, he got more and more upset, more and more in pain.
Had he really thought, in that unconscious Harrison talked about,
that things would get better and he could go back on the line? If
so, it wasn’t happening. Things weren’t better, they were worse.
Jesús,
he thought, what was he going to do?

Maybe Harrison could relieve the awful
pressure in his chest, he thought as he reached the office. Before
he could knock, the door opened. Out came Harrison and…Sophia? What
the hell?

When she raised her head, she wasn’t crying.
She wasn’t having a panic attack. She looked…better.

“Hey,” he said, kissing her cheek. “What are
you doing here? Oh, God, Jack didn’t call you, did he?”

“No, of course not. After you told me what he
said about the counseling and the support group, I decided to come
see him today.”

“Alone?”

“Yeah. I’m thirty-four years old, Tony, and I
can’t be afraid like I am. Of the counseling.” She sidled in close.
“For your safety.”

Jack was right behind her, smiling serenely.
“I’ve got the support group in place for two weeks from today.
Seven women and two men are attending.”

“Eight women,” Sophia said, holding Tony’s
gaze.

“Really?”

“Really. I promise, Tony, I’m going to fix
myself.”

He hugged her tight and said, “Don’t fix
yourself too much. I like the woman you are.”

She smiled.

Jack smiled.

And the pressure in Tony’s chest was
gone.

oOo

The introductions about why they were all
here came wrenchingly, but the reasons needed to be exorcised.
Sophia was grateful she was last in the circle where the nine other
family members of the HCFD sat in a conference room of the
Academy.

“I worry about her all the time,” one guy
said. “She’s not safe walking into burning buildings. I was doing
okay with it until we had kids. Now it’s hard to explain why Mommy
risks her life every day.”

“I feel left out,” a woman commented. “He’s
so close to his buddies on the line. They’re a second family and
I’m not good at hiding how jealous I am.”

Another woman shook her head. “For me, it’s
not the physical danger. It’s what he sets himself up for every
single day. He willingly puts himself in a position to feel so much
pain and loss. People die in fires. When it’s a kid, he’s destroyed
for days. Why would anybody willingly subject himself to that kind
of emotional torture?”

When Sophia’s turn came, she stuck out her
chin. “I made my husband quit the line.”

There were a few gasps.

“My fear and anxiety were too much to handle.
It’s hurt us a lot. I hate how I feel, what I’ve done. I want to
get over it, and I want him to go back to firefighting.”

As she scanned the faces of the others, she
realized she was probably the only person in this room who wanted
that. “I’ll give you a word of advice, all of you. If he or she
quits the line because of you, it isn’t the end of your problems.
It could be just the beginning.”

oOo

Christmas Eve

Every year, Tony and Sophia sat near the tree
decorated with lopsided reindeer, knitted Santa faces, cardboard
candy canes and other homemade decorations. Tiny lights twinkled
from the branches and the scent of evergreen created a cocoon of
security around them. They were both at peace, surprising after
such a tough autumn.

“The kids are so excited,” Sophia said. “I
hope they sleep tonight.”

He locked his hand on her neck, leaned over
and kissed her. “We took the edge off that by letting them open one
present.”

“They loved the Wii.”

“We’ll have fun with it too,
carina.”
He smiled at his lovely wife. Tonight she wore
pink satin pajamas, and her hair curled down past her breasts. But
best of all, she seemed happier than he’d seen her in a long time.
“So, do you want to open our presents to each other now?”

She sipped her eggnog. “You go first.”
Picking up a small package, she handed it to him.

“No, you.” He pulled an even smaller one from
his bathrobe pocket, gave it to her and watched her tear the paper
off the jewelry box. Her smile was super bright. God, he loved
being able to put that on her face again. But it dimmed when she
opened the box, which held a gold heart locket. On the front he’d
engraved,
Wife, Mother, Friend.

“Open it,” he said.

She pried open the locket and saw that he’d
put in pictures of the kids. When she glanced up, she still wasn’t
elated, as he’d thought she would be, about the expensive gift. But
there was something else in her eyes. “Um, this is lovely but…”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Well…” she shrugged. “Maybe you’d
better open your gift.”

“I don’t understand. I thought you’d be
happy.”

“Oh, I am happy, but”—she shoved her present
into his chest—“just open this.”

He tore off the bright silver bow, then the
red paper. The box said, “Carter.” What the hell was Carter? And
why didn’t she like her present?

Inside he found…doll clothes? He looked up at
her. “Did you mix up the presents? Is this for Mari’s new
doll?”

She shook her head.

He took the clothing out. It was a tiny
undershirt. I don’t…oh,
Dios mio.”
He grasped on to her
arms.
“Oh, mi amore
!”

“It must have happened at right after
Thanksgiving.”

“That was the first time we…”

“Made love after that horrible drought. And
if you recall, we were in so much hurry, we didn’t use any
protection.”

“Oh, yeah,
carina,
I recall. Are you
sure, though? That was only a few weeks ago.”

“I’m sure.” She moved closer and placed his
hand on her stomach. “We’re having another baby,
hombre.
But I’m afraid your beautiful locket won’t be big enough now.”

“Tell you what, we’ll put our pictures in
it.”