An Honest Love (33 page)

His father’s platitudes suddenly rubbed Lukas the wrong way. “In this case, you have no idea what you’re talking about. Look,
Daed
, I appreciate that you care, but my marriage is my concern. I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Not even with Anna?”

Lukas snapped his head up and looked at Joseph. “We talk enough.”

“That’s not what I’m seeing.”

Forgetting about the pain in his thumb, Lukas said, “What exactly is it that you see?”

“You’re hurting,
sohn
. That’s as plain as day to anyone, and who can blame you? You’ve had a loss, and you have to give yourselves time to grieve. Instead you’ve been putting in extra hours at the shop, and Anna’s starting to do the same. When the two of you came over the other day for supper, you barely said a word to each other or anyone else.”

“Look, it’s not like we’ve lost a
boppli
.” Lukas’s throat tightened as he spoke. “And Anna and I both know this is God’s will. If he had wanted us to have children, we would be able to have them. But for some reason, he doesn’t. We’ve both accepted that.”

“Then you’re both amazing,” Joseph said. “Because I know if it were me, I wouldn’t be able to say the same thing. Not this soon. And I know you,
sohn
. I know how much family means to you. So I find it hard to believe you can say those words aloud and truly mean them.”

Lukas swallowed, unable to look at his
daed
. Because if he did, his father would see that Lukas didn’t mean any of it. He grabbed his hat and shoved it on his head. “There’s work to do,” he said, standing up, then reaching down for the hammer and a couple of nails. He turned to the slab of wood and finished pounding the nail he’d missed, then slammed the hammer down on another one. He felt his father’s eyes on him, but he ignored it. Even though his
daed
meant well, he had no idea what Lukas as going through. Or what Anna was going through.

Yet, did Lukas even know? Especially about Anna?

Before long Joseph had put on his hat and started to shimmy up the ladder. He paused on the third rung. “I’m here if you want to talk,” he said. “Just remember that.”

Lukas nodded once, but didn’t say anything. A few moments later he heard footsteps, the crush of gravel-filled dirt beneath a shoe. He turned, expecting, hoping to see Anna. Instead he saw Zeb shuffling toward them, a battered and frayed straw hat perched on his head.

“Here’s some cold drinks,” he said, holding out two cans of soda pop. “Sure is a hot one today.”

“It sure is.” Lukas took the cans and handed one to his father. He popped open the top and took a long pull, the beverage cooling his parched throat. “
Danki
,” he said, letting out a quiet burp.

“Hey, don’t thank me, thank your
fraa
. She thought you might be getting thirsty. Don’t know why she didn’t bring the drinks out to you herself.” He looked at Lukas, his expression stern. “I used to think you two were a little . . . what’s the word for it?”

“Expressive,” Joseph offered as he leaned against the ladder.

“I was thinking more like mushy, but I guess that works. And it was kinda irritating, seeing you two all lovey-dovey like that. But I hafta say, I’ll take the mushy stuff to what’s going on now. At least you both were happy. Now you can’t get the glum look off your faces.” Zeb looked up at Joseph. “This is why I didn’t get married. Too complicated. Much simpler being a bachelor.” He turned and shuffled away.

Lukas watched as Zeb headed for the house. He expected his father to say something, but to Lukas’s surprise, his dad picked up the hammer and went back to work. Lukas did the same, but his thoughts were more preoccupied than before as he mulled over what both his
daed
and Zeb had said.

Several hours later, right before sundown, Lukas and Joseph finished residing the barn. After his father left, Lukas went inside. Everyone else had already had dinner, but there was a plate wrapped in aluminum foil on the countertop, along with a smaller plate that held a piece of cherry pie covered in plastic wrap. Famished, he wolfed down a roast beef sandwich with horseradish spread and the pie, then took a quick shower before heading upstairs. He noticed in the bathroom that Anna had left a T-shirt and a pair of old but clean pants for him to change into.

He stopped at the door of the bedroom. The light was out, which meant Anna was probably asleep. She went to bed early each night, probably as a tactic to avoid him, he realized. He thought again about what his father had said, then about the late nights he’d worked, the early nights Anna turned in. They barely spoke during breakfast, then they both went their separate ways. He felt them drifting further apart, and people close to them could see it too. One of them had to put a stop to it before they were permanently separated, a marriage in name only. There were a few couples in the community he knew who lived like that, and he had never imagined that type of marriage for himself. He didn’t want that kind of marriage. He wanted what he and Anna had before.

Taking a deep breath, he opened the door and entered the bedroom. The last remnants of dusk came through the window, casting a faint glow on the room, and he could make out his wife’s sleeping form. She was curled up in the shape of a backwards C, her back to his side of the bed. Her usual position. And he knew she would stay that way for the rest of the night. Tonight, though, he hoped that would change.

Barefooted he walked to his side of the bed. Slowly he sat down and reached for her. “Anna,” he whispered, giving her shoulder a nudge. When she didn’t respond, he tried again, louder this time. “Anna.”

He heard her sigh as she partially rolled over, her head looking over her shoulder. “
Ya
?”

“We can’t go on like this. Not anymore.”

Anna rolled back over, her eyes wide open. Not that she had been sleeping anyway. Even though she went to bed earlier than Lukas did on most nights, she never fell asleep before he did. Tonight was no exception. She had heard him enter the house and move around downstairs, had heard the faint whine of the old pipes in her uncle’s house as Lukas took his shower. She had kept her body very still when she heard him enter the room, expecting him to lie down next to her and go to sleep. She hadn’t expected him to want to talk.

“Anna. Don’t ignore me.”

His voice sounded more forceful, but she remained still. Fear flowed through her, and she gripped the edge of the pillow. As long as they weren’t talking, she could pretend that everything was all right. She wasn’t ready to let go of that fantasy just yet.

She felt him get up from the bed, and for a split moment she thought he might leave the room—leave her alone the way she wanted. Instead he turned on the light, then came over to her side of the bed and knelt in front of her.

“Anna, I am your husband.” His hazel eyes reflected frustration. “You kept your doctor’s appointment from me, not to mention you didn’t tell me about your condition—that you might not be able to have children.”

She refused to look at him. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Why not? We have to work our way through it. I want things to be the way they used to be between us.”

“They can’t.” She looked away.

“Why not?”

“I can’t believe you’re asking me that. Nothing will ever be the same again.”

“I’m not saying it will. We have to deal with this, Anna. We can’t ignore what happened or wish it away.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do.”

“Isn’t it?”

She put her hands to the side of her face in frustration. He didn’t understand anything. “There are reminders everywhere. Every time I see a
kinn
with her
mami
, or hear a young
bu’s
laugh, the emptiness inside me gets bigger. I’ll never know what that’s like. To hold my
dochder
in my arms. To kiss my
sohn
good night. To watch my
kinn
grow and learn and live their lives according to God. I can never, ever ignore it or wish it away, Lukas. No matter how much I want to.”

His expression softened. “Why didn’t you share this with me before?”

“And remind you of what I did? Of what you lost?” She turned her back on him. “I don’t know why you’re even bothering. I’m useless. An empty vessel. I would think you’d hate me for what I did.”

He sighed. “I could never hate you, Anna.” He came around and faced her, putting his hands on her shoulders. “I love you. I’ll always love you. Do you think I married you just so you could bear me children?”

“
Ya
, Lukas. That’s all we talked about before the wedding. How many children you wanted. How big our family would be.”

“I thought you had those dreams too.”

“I did. But . . .”

“But you knew they wouldn’t come true.” He put his finger beneath her chin and lifted her head so that she could look at him. “I’m going to be honest with you, Anna. And when I’m finished talking, I want you to be honest with me. No lies, no deceptions.” He licked his lips and kept his gaze on her. “I’m angry with you for not trusting me enough, not
loving
me enough to tell me what was going on with you. And you know what? Up until today, I was thought it was okay that we were barely speaking to each other. Because then I wouldn’t have to face the part I played in all this.”

“Your part? You’ve done nothing wrong, Lukas. This is all my fault.”

“
Nee
, it’s not. I should have made you feel safe enough to tell me. I knew how Daniel hurt you and how hard it was for you to trust me. I should have noticed you were in pain, Anna.”

“Don’t blame yourself. I didn’t tell you about the doctor visits, and I hid the pain from you. I never said a word about any of it. How could you have been able to tell?”

“I look back on it now and there were signs, little things I saw that I dismissed and other things I should have noticed.” He closed his eyes. “I’m so sorry,
lieb
.”

She pulled away from him and went to sit on the bed, weary. “Lukas, this is what I wanted to avoid, you taking on my blame. I wanted to spare you all of it. Instead, I hurt both of us.”

He sat down beside her. “Now that’s honesty.”

“I suppose it is.” Then she turned and looked at him. “So how do we get over this?”

He took her hand and entwined his fingers in hers. “We promise each other we’ll face it together, with God’s help. No more shutting each other out. No more lies.”

“I promise I’ll never lie to you again, Lukas.”

“And I’ll do the same. There’s something else we need to do.”

“What?”

“According to one very wise
mann
I know, we give ourselves time. Time to get angry and grieve.” He cupped her cheek in his hand. “I love you, Anna. You have to believe that. I can’t say I’m completely over what happened. I’m still hurting. But the only way I can get through this is with you.”

Tears fell down her cheeks. How could he still love her after everything that had happened? Yet he did. God had worked a miracle but not the one she had asked for. He had given her Lukas, a man who accepted her unconditionally, who loved her in spite of it all.

He wiped the tears from her cheek with his thumbs, his own eyes misting over. “I want a new beginning for us. Our dreams about having our own children won’t come true, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have new dreams to work toward.”

“I want to share those dreams with you. I love you, too, Lukas.”

Leaning toward her, she felt his lips press against hers gently, then with more intensity. After a long moment, he pulled away, his eyes darkening, showing her through his kisses and his gaze how much he wanted to be with her.

“Be with me,” she whispered.

“Are you sure?”

Anna put her arms around his neck. “
Ya, mei
husband. I’m sure.”

Chapter 21

F
or the third time that morning, Elisabeth sneezed. She snatched a tissue from the box in the living room and blew her nose.

“Feeling better?” Emma sat down in the chair opposite from Elisabeth, pale yellow yarn and knitting needles in her hands. Several days had passed since Elisabeth’s dip in the Detweilers’ pond, and since she’d last seen Aaron. Monday morning had been her day off, and on Tuesday she woke up with a slight fever so she couldn’t go to work. Now it was Thursday, and she was just starting to feel herself.