An Honest Love (31 page)
L
ukas opened the back door of the house and stepped quietly inside. He slipped off his boots, not wanting to wake anyone up, especially Anna. It was well past ten o’clock, and he knew she’d be sleeping. Guilt mixed with resentment bubbled within him as he crept past her and snuck upstairs.
He walked into his bedroom, not bothering to turn on the light. He quickly undressed and got into bed, weariness seeping through every pore. He’d been putting more than his fair share of hours in at work, trying to keep his mind off his troubles. When Tobias had told him he should go home to his wife, Lukas had told him to mind his own business. Not only was he alienating his new bride, he was alienating his family.
But he couldn’t help it. Anger churned within him. He was sleeping in Anna’s bed, alone. She should be beside him. They should be starting their new life together, sharing their dreams for the future, sharing the intimacies of husband and wife.
And yes, trying for a child. Yet that would never happen. Nothing would be normal. How could it be? He and Anna hadn’t really spoken since she’d come home. For once in his life, he didn’t know what to say. Her betrayal had cut him deeply, and the wound continued to bleed. He longed for things to be the way they were before the wedding, but even then he’d been kept in the dark. He had thought he’d married an honest woman who shared the same hopes and dreams for the future. And maybe she had. But he couldn’t be sure. He wasn’t sure about anything anymore.
Rolling over on his side, he closed his eyes and forced himself not to think of Anna. He failed.
Anna tossed and turned on the couch. She’d heard Lukas going up the stairs, just as she had every night. She could tell he was trying to be quiet, but she could never sleep until he’d come home. Even then, it was elusive. Finally, unable to lie there any longer, she got up and went to the kitchen.
She clicked on the battery-powered lamp but didn’t know what to do next. Hunger wasn’t what drew her here, but she had to do something. She prepared a light snack of two small wedges of smoked Swiss cheese and a few wheat crackers, then sat down at the table and stared at the food.
She heard movement upstairs. Probably her uncle, who usually got up in the middle of the night at least once or twice to use the bathroom. Usually he was a lot louder, but perhaps he decided not to make much of a racket this time.
But it wasn’t Uncle Zeb who walked into the kitchen. It was Lukas.
She glanced up at him, surprised, taking in his tousled black hair, white T-shirt, and broadfall pants that looked like he’d just yanked on a few moments ago. Without the suspenders holding up the trousers, the waistband hung low on his narrow hips.
He paused a moment, then came inside the room. She couldn’t read his impassive expression.
“Couldn’t sleep?” Lukas didn’t look at her as he spoke. He walked over to the cabinet and pulled down two glasses.
“
Nee
.” She looked down at her plate of untouched cheese and crackers. There was no warmth in his voice. It was as if she were listening to a stranger.
“Me neither.” He filled one glass, then the other, with water before turning around and striding to the table. “Mind if I join you?”
She nodded.
He placed one glass of water in front of him and the other beside her plate, then sat across from her.
“
Danki
,” she said in a low voice.
But neither of them took a drink. They didn’t say anything for a long time, the silence that stretched between them further increasing the emotional chasm.
Each time Anna looked up, Lukas was staring at the glass in front of him. The awkwardness continued until she couldn’t take it anymore. She’d rather be fighting sleep on the couch than endure this silent war between them. She moved to pick up her plate.
“We need to talk about this, Anna.”
He was right, of course, but she didn’t know what to say. She rose from her chair and took her food to the trash can, dumping it inside. She poured the water into the sink, then set the glass on the counter next to it.
“Are you going to ignore me, Anna? Or are you going to just wish it all away and ignore everything that happened, just like you tried to do with your condition?”
“That’s not fair,” she mumbled, turning around.
“Not fair?” He shot up from the table, his eyes blazing. “You lied to me, and you’re saying I’m not fair.” He thrust his hand through his hair and started to pace. “I can’t believe this. How could you not trust me and my love for you enough to tell me?”
“I didn’t want to disappoint you.”
“I would have been disappointed, Anna, but not in you. It’s not your fault you have endo . . . endo . . .”
“Endometriosis.”
He grabbed the back of the chair, his knuckles turning white. “If you’d told me—”
“You would have married me anyway?” Her voice grew shrill, derisive. “Be honest with yourself, Lukas. If I had told you before the wedding about Dr. Caxson’s diagnosis, what would you have said? Would you have called off our wedding?”
He looked at her, his face contorted with pain. “You took that choice away from me.”
The truth of his words slashed at her. Unable to stand the agony in his eyes, she bolted past him, but he grasped her arm and turned her around to face him. “Wait, Anna.” He released her arm, but his gaze kept her planted to the ground. “What about those times we talked about having children. You made me think . . .” His voice caught. “You gave me hope.”
“Don’t you see? That’s why I couldn’t tell you. I had hope too!” Tears ran down her cheeks, and her nose started to burn. “You don’t know how hard I prayed for a miracle. I thought of all the stories in the Bible, all the barren women who couldn’t have children but were blessed with one.” She wiped her nose with the back of her hand and turned away from him. “That’s all I wanted,” she said. “Just one
kinn
. Not just for myself. But for you too. Of all the men in the world, you deserved to have your own
kinn
.”
“We could have prayed together. You didn’t have to suffer alone.” Lukas’s voice sounded raspy.
“It doesn’t matter. Nothing we can do or say will change anything.”
She heard Lukas come up behind her, but when she felt the touch of his hands on her shoulder, she shrugged him off. She didn’t deserve his comfort, not after what she had done. “I’m tired,” she said, and meant it. Her emotional well was tapped dry, and she had no idea how to fill it, or if it would ever be full again. “I’m going back to bed.” She walked out of the kitchen into the darkened living room and lay down on the couch, keeping her back to him. She couldn’t keep the tears from flowing, but she held her breath, not making a sound, hoping he would leave her alone in her misery.
A few moments later her prayer was answered. She heard Lukas walking past her. Closing her eyes tightly, she feigned sleep. She sensed him pause by her for a brief moment, only to turn and tread lightly up the stairs. Only when she heard the door to their bedroom shut did she move, wiping away the tears that wouldn’t stop falling.
A
nna savored the chilly April air during her ride to work, and welcomed the milder temperatures that came by midday. Her recovery continued to go smoothly. Physically she felt well, gaining strength every day. On her first day back, she only stayed at the store for half a day. It felt good to get out of the house. Daffodils and tulip stems had already started pushing out of cool mounds of dirt, and soon they would be lining yards and flower beds with their vibrant colors. Before long she could take the winter curtain off her buggy, something she looked forward to each spring. She enjoyed riding with the front exposed, taking in the fresh air and breathing in the scent of tilled earth and new life.
Yet for all the things that were right in her life, there was still so much wrong. She had been given the go-ahead to climb stairs, which meant moving back into the bedroom she shared with Lukas. But while they shared the space, they shared little else, even conversation. She wondered if this was how their life together would be from now on—living together more as roommates than as husband and wife. Without a family in their future, what would draw them back together?
On the first Sunday morning she could attend church, which was being held at the Detweilers, Anna and Lukas dressed in their best clothes, each staying on their designated side of the room— Anna on the left near the window, Lukas on the right near the door. Her mother had left with Uncle Zeb a little earlier, despite him complaining that his arthritis, or “Uncle Arthur” as he liked to put it, was acting up.
Anna sat on the edge of the bed, brushing out her waist-length hair while she heard Lukas slip on his shirt behind her. The bed creaked slightly as he sat down on his side to put on his socks.
She set down her brush on the small table near the bed and braided her hair, then coiled it into a bun and secured it with several bobby pins. She reached for her white
kapp
and put it on. Standing up, she smoothed any wrinkles from her plum colored dress, one she had made before she and Lukas got married. Turning around she was surprised to see Lukas looking at her from the other side of the bed. “What?”
He cleared his throat. “
Nix
. It’s just that you . . . you look beautiful, Anna.”
Anna felt her face heat, much as it did when they first started courting and he would give her similar compliments. He looked very handsome in his Sunday best, the crisp white shirt a stark contrast to the black beard that had already started growing in. He had finger-combed his thick hair, brushing the bangs to the side and revealing his gorgeous dark hazel eyes, eyes she had fallen in love with an eternity ago. Those eyes had been filled with love at one time. But now they held uncertainty.
Suddenly feeling discomfort beneath his scrutinizing look, she turned away from him, smoothing out the ribbons on her
kapp
. “We should be going.”
“
Ya
,” he said in a flat tone. “We don’t want to be late.”
Lukas opened the bedroom door, and Anna walked through it ahead of him. For the rest of the morning and the ride over to the Detweilers’, they didn’t speak.
Nerves danced inside Anna’s stomach as she approached the Detweilers. This was the first time they had been with the community since the surgery. She reminded herself that this was the Lord’s day. No one would care about her and her problems. At least she hoped so.
With Lukas by her side, she walked into the house, then down to the basement where the service was being held. She immediately noticed all the Bylers were there and saw Elisabeth motioning for her to sit with her. Leaving Lukas to sit on the other side with the men, she went to her sister-in-law.
“I’m so glad to see you.” Elisabeth scooted over and made room for her on the bench. “How are you?”
“Feeling better every day.” The words weren’t a complete lie. Physically she felt well, better than she had in months. But that was overshadowed by everything else.
When the church service started and the congregation began to sing, she tried to join in but couldn’t. The last service she’d attended was her wedding. She remembered the way Lukas looked at her, with love in his eyes as they wed. How they had been filled with hope, looking forward to the future. Without warning, a tear slipped down her face. She wiped it off, hoping no one noticed.
Feeling as if someone was looking at her, she turned. Her gaze landed on Lukas. Compassion shone in his eyes. She looked straight ahead, fighting to keep the rest of her tears from falling.
