ANOTHER KIND OF DIAMOND (6 page)

You must have cried a lot, Isabel said.

Oh yes! I sure did! I couldn’t even eat anything for days. My Aunt tried to help me but she too was grieving. I was however secretly hoping that something good might come out of it all. That somehow it would be the opportunity for me to meet with my mom ‘cause I was thinking she will be at the funeral.

Yeah! I understand! And she didn’t make it, ha?

Yelp!

Wow! Wow! Wow!

It’s ok! Carissa continued. I don’t even think about that part anymore, understand? Anyways, it was after grandma’s funeral that I started living with my Aunt who was getting ready for retirement at the time. She had no children of her own and never got married so we were always together whenever she is at home and that’s why she bored me to hell with all kinds of stuff and how I learnt some things from her too. She wanted marriage though but she was the type that believes so much in giving your heart to your true love. I think that was what held her back for so long. Anyways there was this guy she was going steady with before I left but I don’t know if they got married or not. I’m not even interested in all that shit any more.

True love! Isabel began. What does that mean? Nothing! Is all bullshit to me! People pretend and fake all sorts of things to get what they want when they want it, that’s it! It is really hard to know a mind’s contrive by facial expression, so there is no way you’ll ever know who is true to you. People lie, deceive and do all sorts of things in the name of love but they seek their personal gender. I ain’t into that true love bullshit ‘cause nobody is ever gonna give it to me. It’s all gimmick! A game of sort and what Isabel is gonna be doing is play along. I mean have all the fun that I can before I get out of the fucking world. Tell me something, did she party a lot? Isabel said this with a hint of humor.

Baby that mama did whatever she wanted. She didn’t really do things like old school guys you know. Like she says to me, “Child take control of your mind and you pull out of anything. Child, mind is the driver!” She says shit like that! Carissa continued.

That’s cool though! How old is her boyfriend?

I don’t know ‘cause I never asked my Aunt but he is a cool guy.

Is all because you’re Aunt got some dough, understood? Still the same whole damned shit I’ve been talking out. They’re not gonna like you if you got nothing.

Isabel it doesn’t happen like that always. At times, character really counts, looks too sometimes, but character most! My grandma was not rich but my grandpa adored her till her dying day. He was with her and stood by her throughout her hospital days. Infect that man lived in the hospital with my grand ma yet she lived on section eight and depended on social security for almost everything. Anyways, she was one of a kind though. One hell of a good woman that mama was. Any man would have been with her Carissa added.

Those are old school stuff you are talking about Carissa ‘cause these days things are different. Everything has turned upside down.

You‘re right in some ways! May be is all about faked love, I don’t know. But I think there are still good ones out there and I’m hoping I find one for myself someday! To be honest though, my Aunt’s boyfriend is also well off on his own. His name is Kevin. My Aunt used to take me to his house sometimes and I can say his house is even cozier than my Aunt’s place. Even in these days, sometimes people get lucky and find their sole mate and when that happens, every other thing fall in place.

You see! You only act dumb Carissa and you know that? Where you acting like this with your Aunt?

I always act the same way.

Is like she let you do whatever you wanted, that’s what I can see, Isabel continued.

Knop! Carissa responded. You are wrong! She made sure I went to school, gave me food and bore me with her fancy talks but she was never really there for me, get what I am saying? Besides, there was never a real bound between us. Most weekends she left me all by myself at home and I’ll be worried sick. Sunday nights were my nightmares ‘cause she would have me stay alone in my room in the dark and would be gone all night. I used to be scared and cried until I wore myself down with fear and fall asleep but then she would be home early Monday morning to make sure I got in the school bus and went to school. May be she wanted me to do good though, but I just couldn’t figure how when she never showed she really cared. For instance, she never listened when I tried to say my feelings but prefers doing all the talking. She wants me to stay in school but she never ever helped out with home works ‘cause she didn’t give the time. She never even tried to find out how I was doing in school, understand? Even though she talked to me about doing well and how she was gonna help me all the way, but turn the pages and see what my class works looked like, she never did that! She didn’t even buy me fancy cloths yet she had lots of money. Anyways, looking back now, I don’t think it was all that bad, understand? Whatever it was I got from her was better than my mom did, that’s how I see the whole thing. And her boring talks were not all useless either ‘cause I still picked up a whole lot.

I know her type. She must be some sort of Christian woman, right? Isabel said.

She goes to church and all that and there is something in her that really wants to do well. Carissa said. May be that is why she hated it so much when I told her lies I don’t know. And she will always be telling me same old shit if she sensed I wasn’t telling her the truth. Always! Same shit! “Child!” You need not lie to me at all. Always tell me the truth ‘cause lies will do nothing but bring you down!” And the way she will say the down thing, will make me feel it right in my blood like I’m already going down, get what I’m saying? “Child telling lies is like inflicting yourself by your own hands ‘cause punishment for lies is that the one who lies knows the truth of the matter, a truth he hates to admit. Besides people tell lies ‘cause of the emptiness they feel, so lies replace what they know they don’t have. Is like daydreaming! But child tell me, how can I help you if I don’t know the whole truth in a situation”

Come-on now Carissa! Did you buy that crap?

You know me Isabel! I lie more than anything in the world. For short I’m the lie itself, laughs. I don’t even understand why she makes such a big fuss about that shit. Come to think of it lies come in handy sometimes, don’t you think so?

Yeah! You’re right! I’m one hundred percent with you in that! Isabel concurred.

Sure! I remember some stuff that happened when I was about eleven years old. Carissa continued. That time I used to hang out with other kids in this really bad neighborhood. There, it was nothing but gangs, drugs, killings and the Police; those were the kind of stuff happening in that neighborhood. We knew the gang members, we knew who belonged where and some of us even did some errands for the boys for a fee. We helped out with their drug stuff, understand? They gave it to us to hide when they got tipped off that the Police guys will be coming around ‘cause the cops never suspected we kids had the stuff, understand? You know, they will be thinking we were just kids, but we were doing much more than they knew.

Cool kids! Isabel said.

And one day, I was there to pick up some package from one of those drug guys but the Police were hanging around. Suddenly they sneaked up on us like some kind of thieves and guess who they came for? The same guy I went to help. So they caught and put that handcuff thing on him. Baby, I was really scared and didn’t know what to do. Then the Police were asking a whole lot of questions from everyone until they got to me and said; do you know this guy I noticed the guy was looking me straight in the eyes. I know I went there to pick up shit from him but I wasn’t gonna say to the Police yes, I know him. Ok, tell me some-n, was I to make that kind of slip so as to be seen as not lying?

Hail no! I’ll never do that! Isabel responded.

And I did what I had to do to save my ass, get what I’m saying? I lied to the men in uniform like always. I know they gonna take him away but I also know that for some reasons he will be back for sure ‘cause that’s what happens anyways. They take them away and you don’t see them for a while and all of a sudden they show up like a dog that wondered away from home and you see them still doing the same thing ‘cause they never learn and turn their asses around until they put them away for good. So supposedly I told the Police the truth and all that, what happens to me when they let him loss after he is done his time in jail. Girl, I wasn’t just ready for the consequences of saying what I know I shouldn’t be saying, so I denied it all. I never saw him before now, that was what I told the Police and that was what everyone else around said and they just let me go. If my Aunt was there, I’m sure she would have said to me, child! Tell them the truth! I don’t really understand her. Isabel a whole lot happened to me at that period in my life. Some I’ve never talked to anyone about, not even Tasha, another of my best friend. But I’m gonna let you know cause you are like a sister to me, understand? I regard you as that family I don’t have so I always tell you my secrets. And now talking in a very low tune, she said, See, I got raped by some nasty guy!

For real! Isabel reacted.

Yeah! It happened to me!

How old were you! Isabel wanted to know.

May be eleven or twelve, I’m not so sure. I don’t really like thinking about it, Carissa continued.

Did you talk to your Aunt about it?

No! I didn’t want any damned soul hear of it ‘cause my name will be all over the place. Get what I’m saying? I just couldn’t stand the embarrassment so I swallowed my pain. I believe I’m better off with the way I took it ‘cause with that Aunt of mine, everyone would have heard. My pictures would have even showed up on the damned TV. So I hid it! You are the first and the last person that will ever hear of this. That was my first experience being with a guy, understand? But when I got it over with I hooked up with one other guy , I was fifteen then. And know what? After I was with this guy for a while I got pregnant. Carissa said with some sort of sparkle in her eyes.

Oops! Isabel exclaimed.

He was one of those gang guys, yeah! He gave me the bump ‘cause I was always hanging out in all the places that Aunt of mine disapproved of.

What’s his name?

Anthony! And I really wanted to keep the baby but my Aunt wouldn’t hear anything of it. She said the baby got to go, you know?

Like abortion thing? Isabel asked.

Smart babe! Carissa exclaimed. That’s the thing! Abortion! And I was thinking how could she be talking about all these nice ways I’m supposed to be acting and then turn around and want me take out my own baby. That was really confusing to me. I didn’t want my baby taken so I tried to make her understand my feelings but she wouldn’t listen to me and I thought she was being selfish. You know, like I said, she was a nurse so she knew how to deal with stuffs like that, right? And then she took me to some place and had me have it taken out and I didn’t like that. She never gave that baby a chance and there was nothing I could have done to stop her. The whole thing still bothers me till now, understand? I don’t even know if I’ll ever make babies again, get what I’m saying? And I don’t think she realizes I’ve not forgiven her for that till this day. I know she may be thinking in her mind, oh, I did my little niece some favor but that was the wrong kind for me. She is some kinda lady. She is so much into herself!

Did she say why she did what she did? Isabel inquired.

What else other than that I’m too young to have a baby and all that. But I believe is because she didn’t want the responsibility that would have come with it, Carissa said.

Come to think of it, she was right Carissa. Where will you be by now if you had a baby at the age of fifteen? Come- on now! Baby we have to be practical! You would have ended up just like one of those baby mamas and that’s not good for any girl, Isabel said.

That is not to say what she did was right anyways! Abortion or whatever can’t be an option, Carissa continued.

Then prevention is! Isabel said. There are many ways to stop it from happening in the first place, okay? You should have thought of that.

Baby I was just fifteen! I had no ideas! Carissa continued, trying to rationalize

Oh come-on! You had ideas on how to do stuff with guys, right? Then you should have had other ideas! But when you don’t have any ideas, don’t try stuff to complicate matters. Anyways, I still think your Aunt did you right. I’m sure you probably would have done it again if not for her disapproval, Isabel said. Anyways all she did was distance me from herself and made me seek love in all the wrong places until I met this other guy and my life changed for good. His name was Silas. Baby, I messed with this Silas of a guy for long behind her back yet she had no clue what was going on ‘cause she was too busy elsewhere, understand? And since she didn’t trust that I know how to do a damn thing right, I didn’t trust her either and wasn’t telling her a damn thing. My only regret now is that Silas was another real do mother fucker. In shot that whole neighborhood was cursed. When Silas started trying to get me to be with him I was really scared about what my Aunt would do if she found out I started another thing, get what I’m saying? But he was really nice to me and that kinda made me felt wanted. For the first time since my grandma’s passing I found someone who really cared and stopped thinking of myself as a worthless son of a bitch. I took pride in myself and cared more about my looks. I’ll hide from my Aunt and hit the salon at times to get my hair done, my nails fixed and all the damned things babes do to look good since I didn’t want another babe take him from me ‘cause the moment I fell for him, I was far gone. God knows I’m telling you the truth.