Another Man's Baby (25 page)

“What are you going to do?” his father asked.

“Just get through it. I love her, what else can I do?”

“Do you want her to get rid of it?”

“She’d never agree.”

“That wasn’t my question.”

Eric exhaled noisily. “You know how badly she wants a baby.”

“That still doesn’t answer my question.”

Eric lifted his eyes. “I wanted so badly to give her a baby. She has never asked me for anything. You know she’s never been the kind of woman to demand jewels, trips or anything. She just wanted a baby.” His voice was hoarse and filled with pain. “And I couldn’t give it to her,” he continued. “Do you know I prayed?” he asked his father. “I prayed to be able to give her a baby. And this, I guess, is my answer. She’s going to have a baby. So in answer to your question, do I want her to get rid of it? No. Do I believe it’s mine?” Eric closed his eyes and shook his head. “How can I? I’ve taken a semen analysis three times. I’ve talked to the doctors. Gabi even talked to the specialists. They all say I can’t give her babies.”

“What are you two going to do?”

“We’re trying so hard to work it out. The entire time that I’ve been home has been really messed up. First one thing, then another. This is killing me, it is, but when I weigh my options, my not being with Gabi, I’ll take this any day.”

The kitchen door opened and Eric looked over his father’s shoulders at Gabi. He stared at her stricken look and wondered how much she had heard. She turned and walked back out but he didn’t go after her and neither did his father.

***

Gabrielle had never felt so alone. It had never felt like this even when she was a kid and without warning she was forced to move from one foster home to the next. She’d always expected people to turn their backs on her, to put her out, but not here in this house. These people were her family; they claimed to love her.

“God, please help me,” she said under her breath, going to the closet and looking in Eric’s coat, taking out the car keys. She couldn’t stay there, not with everyone against her, looking at her with the accusing stares. But the tears were worse, the disappointment. She had been use to being alone at one time in her life and if that was what she had to go back to she might as well start getting use to it again. Gabi was at the car, her hand on the ignition, when Eric slid in on the passenger side.

“Were you going to leave me here?” he asked.

“I can’t go back in there.”

“You knew it was going to be rough.”

Yes, she’d known. She turned to face him. “Your parents and you are the only family I’ve ever had.” Gabi swallowed, she didn’t want Eric’s sympathy, just his love and his belief in her. “I’ve been alone before, Eric. I don’t want to be, but I can do it again. It’s just a little more than I can take right now, my entire family all gone from me at the same time.”

“They want you to come back in, Gabi.”

“I can’t.” She lay back against the seat. “I want to go home.” She turned on the ignition. “It’s my fault for attempting to get revenge on you. If I hadn’t, maybe you’d believe me.”

Gabi stared at the look in her husband’s eyes. “Well, maybe it wouldn’t be quite this bad.” She sighed in frustration, knowing he would have never believed her anyway. Still, revenge always blew up in your face. She wished again she had listened to all of the warnings. She’d refused to listen because of her own pain. So some of this pain she deserved, but not all of it.

She took in several cleansing breaths and halted her tears. She wasn’t going to drive and cry, she had a baby to think about. The baby had done nothing wrong and Gabi wasn’t going to go off half cocked. She glanced across the seat at Eric. “Why don’t you go back in. They’re your family, you can stay.”

“You’re my family too, Gabi, and where you go I go. He opened the car door. “Come on, let’s change places. I’ll drive.”

She hesitated, her hand on the door handle. “Eric, get back in. I think I’m in better condition that you are.” When he climbed back in and leaned against the leather cushion, Gabi knew what had to be done.

***

Eric carried the cartons of Chinese food into the house, not having bothered to call and ask Gabi if she was cooking. He was trying to be nice, thoughtful. He hoped she appreciated it.

He didn’t smell food and was glad that he’d stopped. He found Gabi sitting quietly in the kitchen. Something else was wrong. Now what? he wondered.

“What’s up?” he said, going to her.

“I’ve packed your bags and I got a room for you for a week at the motel down the street. Maybe you can go stay with your parents or something until everything is settled.”

“Until what’s settled?” he asked, setting the greasy bags on the table. “Gabi, talk to me. What’s going on, baby? We’re doing okay, we’re working this out.”

“No, we’re not working this out. We’re going through the motions, pretending. We can’t even look at each other, Eric. I think it’s best if we go ahead with the divorce. You’re keeping everything bottled up inside and one day you’re going to explode. I love you, baby, but I have to think about our child now. I can’t have you around the baby like this.”

“I’m going to therapy,” Eric said, not looking at her.

“I know you are, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. I don’t want you to start to hate me, or to hate the baby. It still scares me that you went after Reggie with a gun.”

“But I gave you the gun when I came back.”

“I know, but you never should have gone after him with a gun in the first place. What happens when the baby’s born, or when it’s older and you take it into your head that the child has disrespected you? I can’t take that chance.”

“Gabi, I love you.”

“I know, baby. I love you too. That’s what’s making this whole thing so hard. This is the last thing I want to do, but I just can’t take a chance.”

“Are you still giving tit for tat? Is it because of what you heard me say at my parents’ home?”

“No, that’s not it. No more playing, no more revenge. I’m having a baby and the baby has to come first.”

“You’re being stubborn. I think we can make it.”

“Tell me what happened in
Iraq
, what changed you?”

Eric’s eyes clouded over. “Gabi, you don’t want to know what happened in
Iraq
, you only think you do.”

“I want to know what changed you, what changed us. I need to know what brought us here to this point.”

He sucked in a deep breathe and blew it out hard. “If I told you all the things you think you want to know it might be the one thing that would make you stop loving me.  I don’t want that to happen. There are lots of mistakes that brought us to this crossroad. Yes, a lot of it has to do with
Iraq
, some of it has to do with my not talking. But I would if I could, Gabi. I’ve admitted I started it. I’ll even admit you were right. I wanted you to leave me, to divorce me, to have a full life.”

“But why, Eric? Don’t you think I deserve to know the reason why we’re getting a divorce?

“You went to a lawyer and filled the papers.”

“Eric, this isn’t a joke. Talk to me, please. I want to help you. I’ve always wanted to help you. Maybe if you try taking some of the burden from your shoulders and putting it on mine you’ll start to heal.”

His fingers brushed her shoulders and he leaned down and kissed them. There was a raw ache inside him. If he could tell anyone of the things he’d done it would be Gabi. But she was the one person he didn’t want to know. “Baby, your shoulders are much too pretty to carry my burden.” He felt her bristle and straightened to gaze into her eyes. “Let it go, Gabi, please.”

“You told your father. That I can understand. You’re telling a therapist.  I know I should understand that also and I’m grateful that you’re getting it out. Still, it hurts that as much as we have always loved each other you can’t tell me what has made you push me away repeatedly.”

He sighed, wishing that he could do as Gabi asked. Sure he’d talked with his father but it had all been general. His father had understood his need to keep the horrors inside. The guilt he’d returned home with had only been intensified by all the things he’d done to Gabi. He saw the flicker of hope that had been in her eyes fade and then die completely. “We could keep trying, Gabi.”

“Why? We’re not going to change anything until we learn to trust each other completely again. And we can’t do that just yet. So I think it’s better if we both try to get on with our lives.”

“But, Gabi, I don’t know if I can have a life without you.”

“I’ll be here if you need me but I can’t live with you. You’ve got your family and I’ve got our baby. This stress won’t be good…”  Gabi looked down and worried her top her lip with her tongue. She saw the pain in her husband’s eyes. He still didn’t believe.

“The stress won’t be good for my baby.” She pushed the words out. The baby was still hers whether he wanted a part in it or not.

“I brought dinner.” Eric stared at her with tears in his eyes. “You feel like eating?”

“Not really, but I have to.  I’ll do everything I’m supposed to do to make sure nothing goes wrong with this pregnancy.” She got plates from the cabinet and was putting them on the table when Eric slid his arms around her.

“We’re not ending up in bed tonight,” she said, winding her arms around him, sucking in her breath. She had to be strong enough for the three of them.

“Gabi.”

“I know,” she crooned to him. “If you could believe me you would. I can’t say that I blame you. It’s a lot to ask. For me to want you to have faith, it’s too much to ask,” Gabi said, holding him to her for a long moment before pulling away. “Let’s eat dinner so we can stop prolonging it,” Gabi said and started dishing out the food.

How either of them managed to eat without the rice sticking in their throats was a miracle. Then again, it was no more a miracle than the baby growing in her womb, or the fact that she could stand there and watch Eric lift his bags into the trunk of his car and drive away, out of her life. This time he’d not tried to fight with her about leaving. He’d also known it was time.

Gabi closed the door and lay against it for a long time, feeling the wood, envying the sturdiness of it. And she cried for them, for a war that had separated them. She cried for her guardian angel, as he’d failed to listen to her. And Gabi cried for the hurt and disappointment they’d both endured. Then she cried for their unborn child who might not ever have a father.

But our baby will have a mother, she thought, drying her tears, and I will love it enough for the both of us. With that thought Gabi went into the kitchen to clean up the remnants of the dinner, the final traces that this was a home shared by more than one. From now on there would be one plate, one glass. But she would survive. She was carrying a baby, she had no choice.

***

This couldn’t be happening but it was. Eric stood under the prickly shower, the cold water stinging his skin, trying to feel, wanting something, anything, to make him come alive. “What happened?” he asked the question out loud.

“
Have faith
.”

Eric heard the voice loud and clear. “What am I supposed to have faith in? Tell me how in the hell I can have faith in something that isn’t possible? Tell me that.” Wrapping himself in a huge towel he turned off the water, headed for his room and sank on the bed, groaning with the weight of the crumbling of his world.

             
ANOTHER
MAN
’S BABY
             
229

Chapter Twenty

With nothing much to look forward to, Eric had begun weighing his options. He sat across from Sergeant Ross, deciding to break his news to him before he tried it out on Gabi. “I’m thinking about asking for another tour in
Iraq
,” Eric said quietly. The sergeant looked at him, his face ashen.

“Why? I thought you were coming out,” the sergeant replied.

“I think I may have changed my mind.”

“Everything okay, Lieutenant?”

“Sergeant, we’ve been working together long enough now, it’s just the two of us. We’re in this together. Just call me Eric and ask what you will.”

“Everything okay with you and your…your wife?”

“No,” Eric said and reached for his cap. “It isn’t. We’re having a very rough time right now. I don’t know if we’ll make it. Come on, let’s go see if we can round up any new recruits.”

***

For the second time in a week Eric was standing in the therapist’s office looking out the window. This time the therapist didn’t bother asking him to talk. Eric heard the ding of the clock signaling the end of his session and turned to the woman.

“My wife and I have separated,” he said and walked out the door. He had not said those words to anyone and only to the therapist when it was time to leave, when she wouldn’t have an opportunity to ask him questions.

He lifted his eyes skyward and wondered if anyone was paying attention. He wondered if he could call on the voice that had been whispering to him since right before he’d felt the hand in the small of his back pushing him to safety, the hand that had saved his life in Iraq.

This was killing him, this not knowing. All this time and he still didn’t know who’d saved him or why. Those mysterious words to have faith that were whispered on occasion weren’t enough. Eric needed more. He needed answers. He needed to know what to have faith in.

He thought about Gabi and wondered if it was easier for her. He wanted to tell her his decision, that he was going to go back to the only life left for him now. He wanted to return to
Iraq
. He no longer had anything to lose.

He flipped his cell open and called Gabi, surprised when she said he could come by. When he arrived he rang the bell of his home, feeling like a stranger.

“I have something to tell you,” he murmured hoarsely a second after Gabi let him in.

She was waiting, her gaze expectant. He knew what she was looking for, a confession, an unburdening of his soul. It wasn’t going to happen. He still didn’t want her to know the things he’d done, the things he was capable of.

“I’m thinking of asking to be sent back to
Iraq
.” He waited, she said nothing. “Gabi, did you hear me?”

“Yes, I heard you.”

“Don’t you have anything to say?”

Gabi was fuming. She couldn’t believe this was what Eric had come to tell her, not of the pain he’d been holding inside but some idiotic nonsense about going back into a war he was now out of. She was so angry with him that she couldn’t stand the sight of him. Damn him. They were expecting a baby. What did he think he was doing?”

He reached out a hand, touched her gently, and she smacked his hand away. “What do you assume this is, a game? I can’t believe you. You’ve lost your damn mind. Do you believe I’m going to give you my blessing, say prayers for you, for your safety? Are you crazy, Eric? I need you here. Do you understand me? I’m having a baby by a man who doesn’t believe it’s his. I’m holding on to my sanity by sheer will. This is the last thing I need to hear. Is this tit for tat, or do you just have a death wish? You can’t talk to me about what happened the last time and you’ve been home over a year. What do you imagine is going to happen to you if you go back and are lucky enough to come home a fourth time?”

Gabi was shaking so hard that she reached her hand out and held on to the chair in front of her to steady herself. “If you go back I will never forgive you.”

“But you’re divorcing me.”

“That’s not a good enough reason for you to do this, Eric. I need you here.”

“Not being with you, I don’t have much reason to not go,” he said and looked at her.

“You’re not going to use me as a crutch, Eric. You talk to me and tell me what the hell’s going on.”

He smiled at her. “Nothing.” He lifted one shoulder. “I was just thinking of doing it. I haven’t done it yet.”

“Are you so anxious to die?” she asked. “Are you that afraid of death that you’re rushing to challenge it?”

Gabi’s reaction was not what he’d expected. She was disgusted with him, not begging him not to do it, not crying, just yelling at him. “I didn’t say I was going to go back for sure,” Eric said defensively, not liking that she wasn’t begging him not to go.

“Look, I just wanted to run this by you. I have to go and look at an apartment. I’ll talk to you later,” he said, escaping out the door, not able to bear the blazing anger in her eyes. She was scoring him where he stood.

***

Again Eric found himself standing in the therapist’s office. At least he was going on a regular basis now. “Women, you’re all alike,’ Eric said softly. “You all want a man to talk. Why can’t you understand men don’t need to talk?”

“Maybe you men don’t need to talk, but maybe women need to hear you.”

“It’s my right not to talk. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“It doesn’t mean anything to me, Lieutenant. Like you keep telling me, I get paid either way. But if I were the woman in your life and you behaved in this stern military manner at home, I think I’d kick you out also.”

Eric glared at the woman. She refused to look at him, staring instead at the pad in her hand, making notes, notes about him.

“You think you know me well enough that you can sit in judgment on me?”

“Of course I don’t know you,” the therapist answered. “You’ve being coming here for months and you haven’t said more than a dozen words in all that time. No, Lieutenant, I don’t know you. And I wonder if anyone does.”

Eric clenched his fists in frustration. This woman was irritating. He hated having people ask him personal questions, he always had.

“Your time’s up, Lieutenant, but I’m sure you know that. You never bother to talk until it’s time for you to leave.”

Eric glared at the therapist for the breath of a moment and he sucked in his breath. This wasn’t going to help his marriage. This woman wasn’t the one he should be talking to. No way was he going to confide things to her that Gabi had begged him to tell her. No way. “I’m not coming back,” Eric said without a roar or without glaring. “Thanks,” the therapist muttered and returned to her pad.

***

“Lieutenant, would you like to go out after work and get a drink?”

Eric laughed but without amusement. “No, I don’t think so.”

The sergeant shrugged. “I just heard today my son will be heading off to
Iraq
in two weeks.” He waited.

Eric sucked in a breath of air before answering, knowing what his friend was going through. “Sure, I think we could both use a drink tonight.”

“Not you, Lieutenant, if you don’t mind. Tonight I think I’m going to need a designated driver.”

“You’ve got it,” Eric answered. Heaven knew the man had been his designated partner for more times than he cared to remember.

It was a funny thing now that Eric thought of it. He hadn’t been back to a club since Gabi had first mentioned the ‘D’ word. Not even after she’d stopped going out had he had any desire to do it. It was strange.

Two hours later Eric had to include other strange things in the same category. Before he’d been determined to push Gabi away, tempted to cheat with other women, to get caught. When he was free to do what he pleased, he no longer had the urge. Now all he wanted was what he’d wanted when he first got on a plane and went to
Iraq
. He wanted his wife. He wanted his happy life back. He no longer cared if he was addicted to loving Gabi. He wanted to be addicted to loving her and he wanted her to feel the same way about him.

“Hey, Eric, you’ve sort of gotten lost in the last couple of months.”

Eric looked into Jamilla’s eyes. “Hi,” he said.

“Want to dance?” she asked.

“Nope.”

“Come on, Eric, you’re a great dancer.”

“Thanks, but no.”

“Why not?”

Air filled his lungs and left in one gigantic hiss. “I have a wife, Jamilla.”

She came back with, “I heard you two were separated.”

“We are, but it doesn’t stop the fact I still have a wife.” It was time. He’d allowed this woman to hurt Gabi almost as much as he had. That would be rectified tonight.

“It didn’t work, Jamilla, that’s not the reason we separated.”

“What are you talking about?”

Eric watched the way Jamilla’s eyes darted about. He’d always known she’d planted the panties and condom in his car. “The panties and the condom. Gabrielle laughed about it. She thought you were so obvious…so cheap,” he said and smiled, wanting the woman to feel a tiny bit of the humiliation she’d heaped on his wife.

“It was a joke,” Jamilla said defensively.

“Good,” Eric answered, “that’s what we thought.”

“Do you want to dance?” Jamilla asked again. “That last time, I thought we were good together, that we could be very good together.” Her eyes narrowed and she rolled her booty in a suggestive manner, leaving nothing to the imagination.

Still Eric wanted to make her say it. “Are you asking me to have sex with you?”

“Dang, Eric, you don’t have to be so cold, but yeah, I want you to make love to me.”

“I can’t make love to you if I don’t love you.”

“Well then, let’s have sex. Let’s bang some boots, tear the house down. You rock my world and I’ll rock yours.”

“Do you really think I’d sleep with you?” Eric asked softly. “You can’t rock my world, no matter what you do. Only Gabi can rock my world.”

Eric saw the instant Jamilla became angry. She did the neck roll thing and stood back as though she were going to swing on him.

“Well, that wasn’t the feeling I got when you were all up on me in the club that last time.”

“That last time I’d been drinking. Maybe I had considered having sex with you for a minute or two, but it would have been only that, sex. I didn’t have feelings for you then and I don’t now. I’ve never wanted but one woman, Jamilla, and that’s Gabi.”

“But she’s divorcing your ass.”

“And you think that stops me from wanting her?” He laughed. “Even if the divorce goes through it won’t stop me wanting or loving her. And it won’t change the fact that if you strip butt naked and flipped it up in my face that I wouldn’t take it. You’re nasty for being my wife’s friend and trying to sleep with me. And I’m nasty for having encouraged you.”

Eric turned back to the bar and lifted his Coke to his lips. He saw Tracie sitting at a table over from them. He hadn’t noticed her before but now he saw her smile. He gave a semi nod of recognition. At least Gabi didn’t have to worry that Tracie was also trying to knife her in the back.

Suddenly with clarity he hadn’t had in almost a year Eric knew without a doubt what he had to do. He had to talk to Gabrielle, something that was proving harder and harder to do. She’d changed the locks and her cell number. She didn’t want to talk to him since he’d told her he was thinking of asking to be sent back to the war. Still, he had a feeling she’d want to hear what he had to say.