I want to appease him, but I don’t want to lie, so very gently I say, “No, sweetie, I am your real mommy.” And I smile as I say it and look at my dad for confirmation, but my dad looks really uncomfortable, and I know, suddenly, that I said the wrong thing.
Cal is wailing even more loudly, and I stand up and drop my hands to my side. “I’m really sorry,” I mumble. “I wasn’t trying to upset him. I didn’t know…”
“Let’s just talk about this later,” my dad says, as Andi quickly scoops Cal up and starts to head out of the kitchen.
“I’ll just take him up and read him a story,” she says, and I feel like I’ve totally screwed up, as usual, and I really do want to try to make it better.
And I think about Michael, and what he said about feeling abandoned, and how much he wishes his birth mother had had a place in his life, and I decide I’m going to be really mature about this, and I’m going to do the right thing.
For the first time in my life, I’m going to do the right thing.
I lay a hand on Andi’s arm and stop her. “I’m really sorry, Andi,” I say, and she can tell I mean it. She falters. “I’m not trying to upset him. I should never have said that. I honestly didn’t think about it, and I’m not. You’re his mother. I just … want to get to know him. I just want him to know me as a member of his family. I’d love to read him a story. Can I? Please?”
Forty-two
Andi hesitates, fighting the urge to grab Cal and run far away, protect him from whatever onslaught must surely be coming, but how can she say no? How can she say no when Emily
is
his birth mother, when she has every right to be with her child.
Or does she?
Andi doesn’t know. This is the moment she has dreaded for three years. The prospect of Emily’s coming back was so frightening, she never dared think about what she would actually do.
Now Emily stands, looking at her pleadingly, and it is, after all, merely a story. How can she say no? But Cal’s arms are wrapped around her neck, and she knows if she tries to turn him over, he will cry more. He is not happy about Emily’s being back, this she can tell.
“Come up with us,” Andi says eventually. “He needs to get to know you slowly.” Emily nods and follows them up the stairs.
* * *
Andi is quiet, has been quiet all evening.
“He’s amazing,” Emily says as they gather around the kitchen table, scraping the chairs back to sit down to dinner. “He’s so cute, and he looks like Sophia when she was a baby, don’t you think?”
“That’s exactly what I’ve always thought,” Ethan says delightedly, his eyes shining with joy at his daughter’s being home. “Just like Sophia. Same smile.”
“But he’s better-looking.” Emily grins as Sophia smacks her arm.
Andi looks away. This family togetherness feels fake, as if they are all pretending to be relaxed and happy, all avoiding the elephant in the room. She wants to wrestle the truth out of Emily, find out her intentions, make her swear, on her life and the lives of everyone she cares about, that she will not steal Cal away.
This is, unquestionably, a different Emily from the one that went away. Not just prettier; she is calm, not weighed down by unhappiness. If anything, Emily seems light, happy. She makes jokes easily, is, in short, delightful.
If Andi were not so terrified about losing Cal, she would be thrilled to see the transformation that has taken place in Emily, thrilled she now has a stepdaughter who doesn’t seem to burn up with hatred and resentment every time she looks at her stepmother.
“So Andi, tell me about the preschool Cal’s in. Does he like it?”
“He loves it,” Andi says warily. “It’s child-directed, very Montessori-like, and he’s become incredibly social. He loves his teachers and his friends, but it’s only a morning program. He’s with me every afternoon.”
“I’d love to spend some time with him tomorrow,” Emily says. “Could I pick him up from school?”
Andi looks at Ethan, then down at her plate. What is she supposed to say?
“Why don’t you come with me to get him, and let’s see how he is,” she offers. “He’s given up his nap recently, so he can be really tired and cranky in the afternoons, and I’m not sure he won’t freak out if I don’t show up to get him, too.”
“He’ll be fine.” Emily dismisses her. “Didn’t you see how cute he was upstairs? By the time we were halfway through the second book, he was loving me! Remember? He said, ‘Emmy, stay!’” And she laughs in delight at the memory as Andi feels a knife slice through her heart.
“Let’s just play it by ear,” Andi says.
“No. Let me pick him up and if it all goes wrong, I’ll call you,” Emily insists.
“I’d rather come with you.” Andi’s tone is equally determined.
There is a long silence, Andi and Emily staring at each other.
“I
am
his mother,” Emily says eventually. Quietly. “He wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for me.” The words Andi was dreading, the words she hoped she would never hear.
“No.” Andi takes a deep breath. “You gave birth to him. And then you abandoned him. That doesn’t make you his mother. You haven’t shown any interest in him for three years. That doesn’t make you his mother. He only knows who you are from photographs. You are not the one to get him up in the mornings, to comfort him, to bathe him and put him to bed. You are not the one he wants when he is sick, or sad, or scared. I am his mother, whether I gave birth to him or not. And that’s the way he wants it,” she finishes, her face flushed, her heart pounding with the effort of keeping her voice calm.
Emily sits up straight, taking a deep breath. “He’s three years old. He doesn’t know what he wants. I have the right to get to know him. I’m not trying to take him away, I’m not trying to replace you, but I have the right to spend time with him and to have him know me.”
There is a long silence as the two women stare at each other, and Ethan closes his eyes. He can’t bear it. He can’t bear the roller coaster of emotions he has gone through in just a few short hours since Emily came home. The sheer unadulterated joy of having his elder daughter home switching to the familiar tensions and discord of old.
With so much more, this time, at stake.
He doesn’t want to lose Cal any more than Andi does. He will always be the grandfather, but he feels like the father; Cal is the son he never had, the son he always wanted. He recognizes, relates to Andi’s fear, because he feels it, too.
Like Andi, he also realizes that Emily has a point. She isn’t asking to take Cal away; she’s asking to get to know him. Whether that’s as a mother figure, or as a sister, he isn’t yet sure, but how can he say no without seeming ridiculously unreasonable?
But how can he say yes? He is being asked to choose, to take sides, just like the old days, before Emily ran away: Emily always accusing him of taking Andi’s side; Andi accusing him of taking Emily’s. He sits, torn. Upset and uncomfortable in a way he hasn’t felt for three years.
Ultimately it is Sophia who speaks. Slowly and gently, looking at Emily.
“Em, it’s amazing to have you home.” She lays a hand on her sister’s arm. “I’ve missed you so much. We’ve all missed you so much. I know Cal’s going to want to spend a ton of time with you, but he’s a sensitive kid. He doesn’t do well with change, and you have to take it slowly. He’s adorable, and wonderful, and funny, and all the things you saw when you read him a story tonight. He’s also three years old and not used to change. Why don’t you go to school with Andi tomorrow, and let him get used to you in his own time. Trust me, you don’t want to be on your own with him when he throws one of his tantrums. He’s completely unstoppable, and the only one who can calm him down is Andi. You have your whole life to get to know him, you don’t have to rush anything. Are you back for good? Are you going to stay in Mill Valley?”
Everyone starts breathing. Sophia has saved the day. Emily nods, able to hear the sense in what Sophia is saying, and the mood instantly lifts.
“I really am sorry.” Emily turns to Andi. “I guess I was a little overenthusiastic.”
“It’s okay.” Andi offers a tight smile. “I understand.”
Emily turns back to Sophia. “I’m not sure what I’m doing. I’m going to be staying with Mom for a bit, but Michael’s looking at apartments in the city, and I may end up staying with him some of the time.”
“Michael?” Ethan frowns as Emily blushes.
“Yeah. Michael Flanagan.”
“Oh, I love Michael Flanagan!” Andi enthuses. “How is he? I didn’t know the two of you were still friends.”
“We’re…” and Emily blushes some more.
“No way!” Sophia shrieks. “You’re totally dating Michael Flanagan!”
Emily shrugs bashfully. “Kind of.”
“Wow.” Ethan grins. “He’s a good kid, and the two of you were always inseparable.”
“Yeah. It’s nice. We have a good thing going.”
“So Michael’s back in Mill Valley, too?”
“For now. He’s taking some time out from studying so he’s back with his parents but has a job in San Francisco, working in private equity, and he’s traveling a lot, but as soon as he spends a bit more time here, he wants a place of his own, and we’re talking about being roommates.”
“How about you?” Andi says brightly, trying to disguise her dismay at Emily’s staying in the area. “Are you going to look for a job, or go to school maybe? What are you thinking?”
Emily shrugs. “I still love the idea of art school, but I haven’t gotten a portfolio together, so there’s no point in my even applying this year. I’m going to help Mom at the florist’s for a while until I know where Michael and I are going to be, then I’ll probably get a job for a few months. I love farmwork, and there are some interesting cooperatives around her. Eventually, though, I’d love to put some money aside and get my photography going again.”
“There’s a great bachelor of fine arts program at the San Francisco Art Institute,” Andi offers.
“I know. It may be one of the places I end up applying to next year.”
“You seem like you really have your life together.” Ethan smiles at his daughter. “I’m so proud of you. Who would have thought it?”
“Gee, thanks, Dad. Why not just tell me you spent your whole life thinking I was a loser?” Emily’s tone is sarcastic.
“I never thought that. But you were … troubled … for a while. Your teenage years were hard. You just seemed so unhappy.”
“I was,” she concedes. “But life is good now. And Michael is great.”
“Your first love!” sings Sophia as Emily blushes again, unable to hide the joy that lights up her face.
* * *
Cal was having a great time with Emily. Andi and Emily picked him up from school and took him to the playground. Emily pushed him on the swings, chased him through the trees, and although he was tired and growing fractious, Emily said she’d love to keep him for the rest of the afternoon. It would give Andi some time off, let her get back to work.
Andi was cautious, but said yes. In truth, she had the whole board to redo; it was always so hard to get anything done properly in the afternoons when Cal was in the office with her, and she could do with the time alone.
This is a blessing,
she kept telling herself, driving to the showroom, marveling at how quiet it was without a little person pulling on her sleeve, asking her questions every other minute.
It was the most productive afternoon she had had in years. She worked for three hours solidly, barely looking up from her worktable, disturbed finally by her cell phone ringing.
“Hi, darling,” she says to Ethan.
“Hey, love. Can you go get Cal?”
Her heart starts pounding. “What do you mean? Is he okay? What’s happened?”
“Nothing bad. I think he’s just exhausted, and he’s been screaming in the parking lot of CVS for the last forty-five minutes. Emily doesn’t know what to do.”
“On my way,” says Andi, who has already grabbed her coat and is running out the door.
* * *
Ethan doesn’t want to tell Andi what actually happened, but how can he not. Cal grabbed a handful of candy at the checkout, and when Emily had told him to put it back, he had refused. Emily had said, “Give them to Mommy,” prompting Cal to melt down in the mother of all meltdowns.
Emily tried to pick him up to calm him down, but he kicked and screamed, then lay on the floor of CVS, screaming, as Emily stood helplessly, having no idea what to do.
She phoned her mother, who could not leave work, then phoned her father, whose cell phone had no service. Twenty minutes went by, at the end of which Ethan had to listen to a series of ever-more-frantic messages from his daughter, pleading with him just to come and pick up Cal.
Emily had managed to maneuver Cal out to the car, but he refused to stay still, refused to get in the car seat, and she just didn’t know what to do. Cal screamed until he was bright red, until Emily was terrified he was going to hurt himself, or throw up.
“Please!” she cried, when her father finally called her back. “Just come and get him, okay? Please!”
* * *
Andi hears Cal before she sees him. She hears him as soon as she pulls into the parking lot. She finds him lying on the ground, bellowing, his voice hoarse. She ignores Emily, now crying herself, apologizing, to scoop Cal up, hold him close, and soothe him.
“Mommy,” he cries, wrapping his arms and legs around her like a limpet as she rubs his hiccuping back. “Mommy.”
“I’m here,” she whispers. “It’s okay. Mommy’s here.”
“She’s not my mommy.” He points to Emily as the tears start up again. “You’re my mommy. Tell her!”
“Shhhh. She’s knows. It’s okay. I’m your mommy,” Andi croons, rubbing his little back and turning her own back to Emily because she does not want to meet her eye, does not want Emily to see the blame in her own eyes.
She is so busy tending to Cal, she doesn’t see Emily backing out of the parking lot, breaking into a run as she reaches the street. She doesn’t know that Emily runs blindly, not stopping until she reaches her mother’s front door. She doesn’t see Emily’s tears when she finally reaches the safety of her bedroom.
She doesn’t care. She only cares that Cal is fine.
* * *
“We have to talk to her,” Andi says later that evening, when she and Ethan are clearing up after dinner. “You have to talk to her. Do you understand what happened? It wasn’t about the candy although that might have been part of it, but Cal started saying he wanted Mommy, and your daughter told him she was his mommy.