“Do you understand? Do you get why he freaked out? The poor baby is terrified. This stranger appears, and he thinks she’s trying to take him away, and he is paralyzed with fear. All evening he kept asking if I was his mommy and making me promise I was never going to leave him.
“This is not acceptable, Ethan. We can’t have this. He’s three years old, and he can’t have his life disrupted like this. It isn’t fair to him. Jesus. It isn’t fair to any of us. She can’t just come back and expect to step in like this. You have to talk to her.”
“She knows, okay?” Ethan sighs. “You think she doesn’t know how she screwed up? She knows she shouldn’t have said it.”
“How do you know she said it?”
“She told me. And she was embarrassed. She had no idea he would freak out like that, and she swore blind she wasn’t trying to stir things up, she was just, as she said, telling him the truth.”
“But that’s the point.” Andi’s voice rises to a shout. “It isn’t the truth. It isn’t
his
truth. We are the only parents he has ever known. He doesn’t want another mother. He has one. He doesn’t want Emily. She doesn’t have the right to come back and step into his life as his mother. I am his mother, for God’s sake. Don’t you get it? I am his mother. Not Emily.”
Ethan closes his eyes, and when he speaks, there is fear in his voice. “But he is hers. What if she does want to be his mother. What if she wants him? What then?”
“She can’t have him,” Andi snaps. “He doesn’t want her, it’s as simple as that. I think,” Andi continues, taking a deep breath, “I think we ought to go and see a lawyer.”
Forty-three
The next morning, the topic is still weighing heavily on both of them. They are careful with each other, knowing that they are not able to reach an agreement. Andi is terrified, but Ethan refuses to believe the worst-case scenario will happen. If it does, if Emily should want Cal, then, he says, and
only
then, he will see a lawyer.
“She isn’t ready to be a mother,” Ethan says. “Whether she realizes it or not, she doesn’t have a clue. She may be romanticizing it, but it just isn’t going to happen. Emily is still Emily, just three years older. Look at what happened yesterday—he threw a tantrum and Emily bailed.
“I promise you”—he reaches out and puts his arms around Andi, attempting to soothe her—“Emily is not going to want Cal. Not full-time. I almost think we should go away for a week and leave her with him. Let her have a taste of what it’s really like, being a parent, having no sleep and no life.”
Andi had spent hours last night explaining why she wanted to a see a lawyer. Not to set anything in motion, she lied, but to see where they stood. To see what the law would be likely to do, whether Emily had a right, after abandoning her child, to remove him from the only home, the only parents, he has ever known.
Not to mention, she had pointed out, Emily’s prior history with alcohol and drugs.
“It is a miracle,” she had shouted at the height of their emotional discussion last night, “that Cal is so normal. Do you get that? Emily drank her way through her pregnancy, and I still spend every day worried that some hidden sign of fetal alcohol syndrome will show itself. What do you think a judge would think about that, huh? What would he have to say about that?”
Ethan had shaken his head. “That’s precisely why we don’t need to see a lawyer. I don’t want to drag up all the past. I don’t want to do that to us, or to Emily. Look at how amped out you’re getting, and it hasn’t even happened. All Emily has done is ask to spend time with Cal, get to know him. You’re freaking out unnecessarily. Please. Just stop. We will cross whatever bridge we have to when we get there, but not yet, okay? Please stop worrying about a future that may never happen.”
“What about her telling him she’s his mother?” Andi pushed. “That’s what freaked him out so much. She can’t do that. It’s not right.”
“I agree,” Ethan said. “I’m going to talk to her about that today. It’s not right.” Those words, more than any other, consoled Andi. Temporarily. Those words showed her he supported her.
For a minute, she was able to breathe.
* * *
Andi is still worrying. She lay in bed all night worrying about it, and this morning, even as Ethan puts his arms around her, she is still worrying about it.
“You know she wants to get him from school again,” Andi says.
“But that’s great!” Ethan says. “Look, Sophia gets him all the time, and you’re grateful for the break. Look at this as a welcome break. You know it’s not going to last. This is the thrill of the new. If Emily does stick around, and I’m not even sure about that, she’ll get bored pretty damn quickly. Let her take him. You were telling me just the other day about how busy you are. Use it as an opportunity to get things done.”
“You’re right,” Andi reluctantly agrees. “You’re right. I’ll try and relax. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. And it’s all going to be fine. You know that, right?”
“I do.” She smiles, this time wrapping her own arms around him. “Thank you for always calming me down and making me see that life isn’t ever as scary as I think it’s going to be.”
Forty-four
Now that I’m back, I cannot believe I stayed away for so long. It’s like Mill Valley was the huge, terrifying root of all my unhappiness, but either it has changed dramatically in the last three years, or I have.
And something tells me it’s me.
I used to think it was this suburban hellhole filled with Stepford mothers and perfect little Californian blond cheerleader types, and that I was hated by everyone because I was different. And maybe, back then, I was different, but I don’t feel different anymore, and now I fit in, and I see that it is filled with all different types of people, and the thing is, everyone’s so nice!
I have run into a ton of old teachers, and neighbors, and people I went to school with. Every time I go out, it seems I run into someone, and instead of avoiding me like they used to, or
me
avoiding
them,
everyone seems genuinely happy to see me. Even the dreaded popular girls, who are still as cliquey as ever, even after all these years.
We were at Woody’s the other day, and they walked in, all these girls I hadn’t seen in years, and instantly swarmed Michael. I was at the counter waiting for our ice cream, so they didn’t see me, and when they asked what Michael was up to, he told them he was dating me. I turned then to see confusion on their faces, and that’s when I stepped forward, and they all looked at me like, well if you’re dating that freak, Emily, who’s the hot chick you’re with now, and then I said hi, and the expressions on their faces when they realized that I was Emily were priceless!
They kept saying they couldn’t get over how beautiful I’ve become, and how thin I am. It made me feel good, but it also made me feel sad because they are still as superficial as they ever were. They invited me to some girls’ night out, and I said sure, to text me, but I was just being polite. I really have no interest.
I’m loving being around my family, though. My dad, and Sophia. Cal is very cute, and Michael is thrilled every time I tell him I spent time with Cal, so everyone seems to be happy, except for Andi.
But I get it. I get that she’s terrified. I want to tell her not to worry. I have tried telling her not to worry, but I honestly don’t know whether she should be worried or not.
Right now, I like being around Cal, but I am still so far from ever thinking I would want more than this.
Michael confuses things for me. I see how happy it makes him to know that Cal and I are together, and I wonder what I would say if Michael said, oh I don’t know, something like he wanted to marry me, and he and I would raise Cal together.
I honestly don’t know what I’d say because I so badly want to make him happy, and I so badly want to want the things that he wants. I’m just not sure that I do. Not in this case, anyway.
And so most of the time I don’t think Andi has anything to worry about, but some of the time I think she might. I just don’t know yet. This all takes time to figure out. In the meantime, I have this incredible thing with Michael.
He’s supposed to be living at home with his parents while looking for an apartment in the city; meanwhile, he’s spending every night with me at my mom’s. She doesn’t mind—are you kidding? She
loves
him. She practically melts every time he walks in the door, and she’s away this week, so it’s just the two of us, pretending to be an old married couple in a house of our own.
Speaking of love, I haven’t said “I love you” to him yet, but I know I do, and sometimes I have to practically squeeze my mouth shut so the words don’t slip out, because I will not be the one to say it first.
I know he does love me, though, even though he hasn’t said it yet. I see it in the way he looks at me, the way he treats me, the way he calls me up, for no reason, when he’s at work, just to hear my voice.
And still I can’t believe that he is mine; that life has turned out this good for me.
“You could have anyone!” I tease him sometimes.
“I don’t want anyone,” he says. “I want you.”
“That, you have,” I snuggle into him and cover him with kisses until he growls in fake annoyance and throws me off.
* * *
I’m in that half-awake, half-asleep phase, kind of listening to Michael pad around the bedroom getting ready for work, and waking up properly only when he leans down to kiss me good-bye.
“Hey, love”—he smiles down at me—“I’ll see you later, okay?”
“You should have woken me.” I stretch. “I would have made you breakfast.”
“Oh, man!” He groans, patting his stomach. “You already made me dinner last night. What are you trying to do, fatten me up?”
“No. I just like cooking for you.”
“When we find an apartment we like, you’ll be able to cook for me every night.”
“Are you kidding?” I give him a look. “You’ll be taking me out for dinner every night. I expect nothing but the best from my private equity magnate boyfriend, you know.”
“Yeah, I wish. I’m just a grunt right now, but they’re telling me they think I have the potential for big things. Hey … I like the sound of us living together,” Michael says.
“I thought we were just going to be roommates?” I say slowly, because let me tell you, there is a very big difference between roommates and living together, and Michael has been very careful to describe it as roommates. Until now.
“Well. Whatever. I like that I would wake up with you every day. It’s a total pain in the ass being back at home. Thank God your mom’s cool with me sleeping over.”
“And thank God she’s away for a couple of nights. Kitchen table? Wild!” I purr at him to make him laugh. “Tonight we should try the living-room floor in front of the fire.”
“It’s a deal.” Michael bends down to kiss me again before standing up. “What are you doing today? Working?”
“Yeah. Florist’s until lunchtime, then I’m going to get Cal from school.”
“Wow.” Michael’s face lights up. “That’s every day this week. That’s so cool! You’re really getting to know each other. He’s a great kid. I really enjoyed taking him to the playground on the weekend. He’s funny.”
“He is a great kid,” I say slowly before sighing. “I kind of feel a little taken advantage of, though. I mean, in the beginning, Andi didn’t even want me to read him a story, and now she expects me to pick him up every day and watch him until she gets home. I feel like an unpaid babysitter.”
“Emily!” Michael looks horrified. “How can you say that? You’re saying you resent him? You’ve only just come back in his life. Do you realize how selfish that is?”
I flush a deep red. That I have just been honest about my true feelings, and that Michael’s reaction is to call me selfish, feels awful. I am instantly ashamed and wish I hadn’t said anything. Seeing Michael look at me like that, the disappointment in his eyes, terrifies me. I backtrack, quickly.
“I don’t resent him. I didn’t mean that at all,” I bluster. “I totally love being with Cal. It’s just, I guess, that I feel it’s expected of me now, and that’s what I don’t like.”
“But that’s great,” Michael says gently. “They
should
expect it. You
should
be with him more. Maybe one day, we’ll even have him live with us.”
I sit up in bed, shocked. It’s not like I haven’t thought about it myself, but every time I think about it, I push it aside because it feels so weird. But I guess I knew Michael would be the one to bring it up. I just didn’t know how I’d react.
“You want that?” I ask doubtfully, because I’m really not sure I do.
Michael shrugs. “Honestly? I haven’t thought about it much. I just feel so strongly that you should have a place in his life, and if it ends up with us being, you know, the real deal, marriage and everything, then maybe it is something we should be thinking about.”
I look at him openmouthed. The real deal! The M word! And because I don’t know what to say, I pull him down for a proper kiss good-bye.
“You,” I say, when I finally let him go, “are truly the greatest guy I have ever known.”
“That’s how I feel about you,” he says.
I fake-frown. “That I’m the greatest guy you’ve ever known? Great. Thanks a lot.”
“No. You know what I mean. You are the greatest girl. Truly. You’re amazing. I can’t believe I’ve known you my entire life, and you’re my best friend, and now you’re the woman I love.”
And I think my heart stops.
Did he say it? Does that mean … is it the same as saying “I love you”? I can’t breathe, but I don’t want to spoil the moment, and my ears are buzzing and I wish there were a rewind button so I could check he absolutely, positively did say it.
“I love you.” He smiles gently down at me as my heart starts beating again, and I am able to breathe.
“I love you, too.”
* * *
I try to go back to sleep after that, but I am too damned awake. Can you blame me? I lie under the covers for about half an hour, going over the words again, reliving that exact moment when he told me he loves me, and eventually it’s clear I am not going back to sleep, so I fling the covers back and climb out of bed.