Anything But Zombies (14 page)

“Because a pod person has taken over my life.”

I blinked once, then twice. Surely I had heard him wrong. Pod person? I stuck a pinky in my ear and waggled it around, trying to clean out the obvious waxy buildup that kept me from fully understanding my best friend.

I turned the now clean ear toward him and said, “I'm sorry, I think I misheard you. Can you repeat that?”

Jack dropped the shiniacal grin in favor of a shrown. “You heard me right the first time.”

“A pod person?”

He nodded.

“Has taken over your life?” I said.

He nodded again.

“How much have you had to drink?” I asked.

“I'm not drunk,” he said.

“Then how much do you need to drink? Because you're sounding a little crazy right now.”

“I'm not crazy! I'm telling you, a pod person has taken over my life.”

“How? You're right there. Don't they need to eat you to copy you or something?”

Jack grimaced. “Gross, dude. Why you gotta get nasty?”

“What? You're the one that said a pod—”

“You don't believe me.”

I dithered. I didn't mean to, but it was hard to hide the fact that, no, I didn't believe him. I didn't want him to know that, because he could get a bit fisty when he was mad. Not feisty. Fisty. As in punching his fists into the nearest source of his anger. Namely me.

“Well,” I started, “now, I wouldn't say that I don't believe you. It's just, well, you know, kind of hard—”

“You don't believe me,” he repeated. Jack laid a heavy hand on my shoulder. “I can make you believe me.”

I winced under his strong grip. “You can?”

He grabbed my sleeve and duckwalked away from the bushes, dragging me with him. I lurched forward, struggling to keep up with his much wider steps. Even at a crouch he was a clean foot taller than me. I tried to stand but he yanked on my sleeve, pulling me down again.

“Keep down,” he said. “They'll see you.”

“All right,” I said, and did my best to follow him.

Jack led me to the back of the house, where he finally allowed me to get up. I stood and stretched, making little circles in the air with my feet as I shook out the pins and needles in my legs. I wasn't exactly physically fit and duckwalking so far took it out of me. Man, I really needed to get in shape.

“This way,” he said, and headed for the shed.

“Jack,” I said. “I don't know what kind of game you and the others are playing—”

“Not a game. No one else knows. Just you and me.” He left me by the side of the house and stormed across the lawn toward the shed. “They'll know soon. They'll all know.”

I followed him a ways before I decided enough was enough. “Why did you call—”

Jack whipped around to face me and held up his right hand, fingers stretched out to show his palm. “Five seconds.”

I furrowed my brow at him. “Five seconds what?”

“Give me five seconds to change your mind. Or else.” He closed his hand into a fist and shook it at me.

I gave a sigh, seeing there was no use fighting him on this. “Okay. Five seconds.”

“Okay.” He turned back to the shed and swung the door open. Jack motioned for me to come inside.

I followed him into the darkened shed, counting aloud. “One. Two. Three.”

By the time I hit three he flicked on the light.

“Four . . .
Holy shit
,” I said. My mouth dropped open at the sight.

The entire shed was wall-to-wall foliage. Thick, green vines traced a path back and forth along the walls, the floor, even the ceiling. Huge leaves, two hands wide, hung from the vines. Beautiful blossoms of red and yellow dotted the vines all along the shed, their petals glistening in the fluorescent light. All of this scattered greenery led back to the far corner of the shed, under the single window. As much as I hated to admit it, under the window there rested an enormous seedpod.

About the size of a person.

“What in the hell?” I said.

“I know,” Jack said.

“This is—wow. I mean. Wow. What is it?” I took a few steps closer to the plant.

“It's the pod that the other Jack came out of.”

“Other?” I shot Jack an unsure glance. “Care to elaborate?”

“Remember that night at the Dollar?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, the next day I was trying to sleep it off, when I woke up in the middle of the afternoon tied up and gagged and laying down in that thing.” He paused to point to the pod. “Some guy that looked just like me said I had to stay in the pod so it could absorb me and he could take over my life.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Oookay.”

Jack didn't seem to notice my disbelief. “I was able to get myself free, but when I got back to the house, the new Jack was already in there with Tammy.”

“What did you do?”

“Well, I was going to bust in and rescue her, but I didn't want to put her in danger.”

“Ah. Yeah. That sounds like you.”

“I decided to wait and study his moves. So I would know how to take him down.”

“And that's what you've been doing for the last three days? Living out here in the shed and studying this other Jack's moves?”

Jack nodded.

“What have you been smoking?” I inquired.

“What do you mean?” he said, losing his filthy thought and grin.

“I can't believe you.” I waved my hands at the vines and pod. “You called me over in the middle of the night to talk about gardening? You're losing it. Congratulations, Jack. You've finally drunk all your brain cells into submission. You know, I never understood why Tammy has stayed with you for so long. You're such a dick.”

He held up his hands. “Because I'm great in the sack.”

“Right. So you say.”

“Hang on,” he said, grabbing his phone from his pocket. “I followed them to the park yesterday. Check this shit.”

Jack flicked through a few screens, then handed the thing to me. The screen was filled with a picture of Jack and Tammy on a park bench, laughing and holding hands. Only it wasn't Jack. I knew it wasn't Jack with a single glance. It looked exactly like Jack in every conceivable way, but it wasn't my Jack. And not just because the man in the picture was better dressed and clean cut. No. It was because in his other hand he held a bottle of water.

Jack Talent never drank water. Ever. He always said he got enough water in beer.

“Dear God,” I whispered.

I scrolled through the photos and in almost all of them this other Jack almost always had a bottle of water in his hand. My skin crawled at the sight of it. Jack on a carousel, holding a bottle of water. Jack on a paddleboat, sipping from a bottle of water. Jack sprawled in the grass, a bottle of water just above his head.

“He looks just like you,” I said. “I mean, he's better looking, but he does look just like you. It's uncanny.”

“I know,” Jack said, taking his phone back. “It kind of freaked me out at first, but after . . . Hey! What do you mean he's better looking?”

I shrugged. “Well, you know, he's all cleaned up. And you're . . .” I pointed to his filthy clothes and ratty hair.

Jack turned his nose up at me. “I can clean up. Just because I don't get all froufrou all the time doesn't mean I can't clean up. Besides, I didn't call you over to criticize my lack of personal hygiene. I need you to help me.”

“Help you do what?”

“Kill it.”

I swallowed hard. “I was afraid you would say that.”

“You should be afraid. Be very afraid.” Jack chuckled. “Sorry, dude. That sounded better in my head.”

“Good, because it sounded pretty stupid coming out of your mouth.” We both laughed for a moment. “Are you serious about this?”

“As serious as I have ever been.”

Which wasn't saying much.

He picked up a pair of shovels from their spot against the doorframe and handed me one. “Here, you'll need this. I don't know what kind of powers that thing will have, but I think just braining it with a shovel will work. All I need for you to do is watch my back. There is no telling how many other people have been taken over.” He exited the shed, holding the door open for me.

I stepped out into the yard and looked to the busy house, hefting the weight of the shovel in my hand. “I don't know if I can do this.”

“Sure you can. We go in there, expose him for the monster he is, and bam!” Jack waved the shovel about. “I smack him down and save the day. And Tammy is so grateful she throws herself at me and quits being such a bitch about the small shit.” He lifted the shovel into the air again and brought it down on his imaginary foe.

I watched him wave the shovel around as I weighed his words. “Is that what this is about?”

“What's with the what now?”

“Is that what this is all about? Did you wait until Tammy's party so you could do this in front of her friends?”

Jack hugged the shovel to him. “Maybe.”

I rolled my eyes. “Jesus. You're a real piece of work.” I handed the shovel back to him. “I'm out.”

“Oh, come on, Rob. You've seen what she's like. You know how she treats me. Tammy is always telling me how worthless I am.”

“You are pretty worthless.”

“That I can't hold down a job.”

“You can't hold down a job.”

“That I have no fashion sense.”

“You don't have any fashion sense.”

“That I'm selfish in bed.”

I made a noncommittal noise to that one.

“Sure,” he said, “I could've gone in there at any time and told her she's been slobbering all over a plant man, but I waited until she had all her friends over so I could, you know, save the day.” He held up his shovel again. “Don't we all dream of being the hero for our ladies? Help me be Tammy's hero, man. I need this. Come on.” He held out the second shovel.

I let out an exasperated breath and grabbed the shovel. “Okay. Let's get this over with.”

We crept up to the house and quietly let ourselves in through the back door, which was easy considering the place was still thumping and full of party sounds. Jack pointed to me and made a motion to the bustling living room through the far kitchen door, then pointed to himself and motioned to the hallway at the end of the kitchen. I think he meant he wanted us to split up and go around and meet again in the middle of the living room.

I nodded, hoping that's what he meant.

Jack held up a thumb before he drifted off down the hallway.

Holding my shovel close to me, I made my way through the kitchen full of party food and into the living room. The place wasn't as packed as I first thought. There were only about a dozen folks milling around a buffet table filled with more food and drinks. I didn't know anyone. They must've all been Tammy's friends. I waited there with my shovel, sweating up a nervous storm, wondering what Jack's plan was now. A cute little blond girl stood beside the kitchen door. She nodded at me.

“Hi!” she shouted over the music and noise.

I raised a hand in greeting.

“I like your shovel!” she said.

“Thanks!” I shouted.

“My name is Sarah!”

“I'm Robert! My friends call me Rob!”

“Rob with the shovel! It's nice to meet you!”

All at once I felt like the world's biggest idiot. What in the hell was I doing? Once again I let Jack talk me into some crazy scheme. I had the creeping feeling he had set me up. That the whole pod thing was some kind of joke. Just then, I caught sight of Jack coming in through the hallway entrance. A nicer Jack. A better-looking Jack. This one was clean-shaven and wearing a pale yellow sweater with white slacks. The partygoers hollered at him and he waved at everyone.

He looked so much like Jack. Could he really be a pod person?

“What?” Sarah shouted.

“What?” I said.

“You said something about a pod person!”

Great. I had been thinking aloud. Way to blow the plan. I looked around to make sure no one had heard her, or me. “What? Why would I say that? Don't worry about it!” I tried to wave it off, but I only ended up brandishing my shovel at the girl.

“Is that what the shovel is for?”

“What?”

“For the pod person!”

I started to panic. If she didn't stop going on about it, she would ruin the whole sneak attack. I got in close and tried to lower my voice. “Don't be silly. Why would I think Jack is a pod person?”

“What?”

Without warning, the music cut short, leaving a vacuum of silence in its place.

A silence I wasn't expecting when I asked, “I said, why would I think Jack is a pod person?”

The sound of breaking glass drew my attention and I turned around to find Tammy standing near the buffet table. A shattered glass rested at her feet, the shards lying in a pool of punch all over the hardwood floor.

“Robert?” she said. “Who told you that?”

“I did,” Jack said.

A few people in the room gasped and when I turned around I saw why.

Two Jacks stood together near the stereo. One was the clean-cut Jack holding a glass of water, the other the raggedy Jack with a shovel. I rubbed my eyes. When I opened them again, they were still there. Two Jacks. Which meant one wasn't the real Jack. It seemed Jack—my Jack—wasn't lying. The other Jack was a pod person.

“Get back,” old Jack said.

The new Jack lowered his glass of water to the end table beside him, making sure to put a coaster under the glass.

Yeah, that wasn't my Jack.

The new Jack stepped away from the old Jack, holding his hands up. “Okay. I know how this looks. But I can explain.”

“You don't get to explain,” old Jack said. “You get to die.” Jack raised his shovel.

“Wait!” Tammy said, rushing over to the pair. She took the new Jack by the arm and pulled him close. “You don't have to do this. Please.”