Anything But Zombies (15 page)

“Tammy,” old Jack said, the shovel still raised. “Get away from him. He's not me. He's a plant thing from outer space.”

Patting the new Jack on the arm, Tammy said, “I know.”

The shovel dropped from old Jack's hands. “What do you mean you know?”

“I know. I've known for a while.”

Old Jack slowly lowered the shovel to the floor, confusion flitting across his grimy face. “You knew he wasn't me?”

Tammy looked at the new Jack. “I knew the moment I saw him. I mean, it's obvious.” She picked at new Jack's fancy haircut. “He's so much cleaner than you. And a nicer dresser. And kinder.”

New Jack patted Tammy's hand. “Yes, I'm afraid she saw straight through my little ruse.” He brushed his fingers over her cheek before he added, “And right into my soul.”

Tammy sighed as she gazed longingly in new Jack's eyes.

Most of the people in the room sighed with her.

I was tempted to sigh myself. That was an awful sweet thing to say.

“Wait up,” old Jack said. “Are you in love with this asshole?”

Tammy stamped her foot. “He isn't an asshole. He is perfect. He is sweet, he is kind, and he doesn't try to dry hump me every five minutes.”

Old Jack laughed aloud. “Whoa. You mean you two haven't slept together yet?”

“I don't think that is any of your business,” new Jack said.

“Which means you haven't,” old Jack said. He chuckled again. “Man, you've had all that at your mercy for three days and you haven't boned her? What is wrong with you?”

“You see?” Tammy said, putting her hands on her hips. Classic angry Tammy stance. “This is what I mean. You're such a pig. It's always sex, sex, sex with you.”

Old Jack snorted. “I never heard you complain.”

“I did!” Tammy shouted. “I complained all the time! You just never listened.” She grabbed new Jack's hand. “But he listens. He cares.”

I cleared my throat. “Excuse me.”

“What?” the arguing couple said as they turned to face me.

“I hate to bring this up,” I said, “but did all of you know about him?” I pointed back and forth at the partygoers, who all seemed abnormally calm considering what was playing out in front of them.

The crowd looked around, then folks started nodding their heads.

Old Jack's mouth fell open a bit. “All of you knew?”

The cute blonde, Sarah, said, “Well, yeah. I mean we didn't know he was a pod person, but we knew something was different.”

“And you didn't try to do anything?”

“Why should we?” a tall man said from the back. “Tammy is happier than we have seen her in years. I for one like the new Jack.”

“Me too,” said a portly chick.

Various cries of “Me too” and “Hear, hear” rose from the crowd.

“What are you?” I asked the new Jack.

“Rob,” Tammy said, scolding me.

“Sorry, is that too personal?”

“Not at all,” new Jack said. “I am from a planet about twenty-three light-years from yours. I have been traveling for some time as part of a scouting mission to find a suitable place for my race to colonize.”

“I take it Earth is a suitable planet?”

“The most suitable we have ever come across. My people will prosper here.”

“Aha!” old Jack said. “You are planning on invading!”

“Not at all,” new Jack said. “Don't think of it as invading. Think of it as integrating. We join other species, copy their genetic codes, and live as one with them. Our goal is to create peace and harmony in the societies we integrate with. All across the universe.”

“That sounds nice,” Sarah said.

“It does,” Tammy said, snuggling up closer to new Jack.

“You replace people, though,” I said. “I mean, you get rid of the original?”

“Yes,” new Jack said, “but don't let that worry you. We never replace everyday people. We find that if we replace a few important people in key positions, the cascade effect of our actions creates peace in the rest of society.”

“Then you only replace what, politicians and world leaders? Folks like that?”

New Jack smiled a flawless grin. “Yes. Exactly. Folks like that.”

“And me!” old Jack yelled.

“And you. I'm sorry.” New Jack hung his head. He looked truly sorry. “You were just a test subject. I didn't mean any harm.”

“Speaking of harm,” I said. “I hate to ask this but what happens to the folks you replace? Jack said you put him in the pod you came out of. That the pod needed to absorb him for you to survive.”

New Jack sucked a quick breath through his teeth. “That part is true, I'm afraid. We need to absorb the full genetic code of those we replicate or we can't hold the pattern. In fact, if Jack doesn't return to the pod by morning, I will cease to exist tomorrow afternoon.”

“Oh no,” Tammy said. “I don't want you to go.” She threw her arms around the new Jack and sobbed.

“It's all right,” new Jack said. “Don't cry, honey.”

All eyes turned to old Jack, including mine.

“What?” he said. “You guys seriously expect me to just climb into that pod out there so this copycat can take my place?”

No one argued. No one spoke. We just kept staring at him. I felt bad for the poor guy, but I had to say, the new Jack was kind of cool. I could see why Tammy was so much happier with him. The old Jack was such a headache and the new Jack seemed, well, nicer. It just seemed a shame that old Jack had to go for new Jack to stay.

“Is that what this party is about?” old Jack said. “This some kind of ‘Welcome to the planet Earth' party for your new boyfriend?”

That did it. Tammy balled her fists. Everyone looked down at their glass or plate or just at the floor. New Jack and I both cringed.

“Jack,” I said. “It's Tammy's birthday.”

“Is it?” old Jack said, genuinely surprised. “Well then, happy birthday, baby.”

But Tammy wasn't having any of that. “Don't you happy birthday me, you jackass. We've been together for five years and you never remembered my birthday. Ever! I always had to remind you and even then you never got me anything. I have no idea why I stayed with you for so long. I am sick to death of pretending everything is okay. You're a horrible person, Jack. You're selfish and filthy and always horny. Loud, obnoxious, rude. You think bacon is a fruit and beer is a substitute for water. And no matter what you keep telling yourself, pornography is not what everyone means when they say chick flick. You're always smelly and always late and always forgetful and never think of anyone but yourself. Please, just do the right thing for once and get in that pod, Jack Everett Talent!”

After that tirade, I fully expected old Jack to blow his gasket and give Tammy as good as she dished out. But no. Old Jack surprised all of us by nodding.

“Okay,” he said.

Tammy blinked in shock. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

“You mean you will?”

“If he makes you happy, then I will get in the pod and let him eat me or absorb me or whatever he needs to do.” Old Jack furrowed his brow at new Jack. “Will it hurt?”

“Not at all,” new Jack said. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Yes,” old Jack said. “I love you, Tammy. I know you never think I do, but I do. If he is what you want, then okay. I'll get in the pod. But only if he makes you happy.”

Tammy took new Jack's hand in her own. “He does. I'm sorry about this, Jack, but he does. This one act of kindness doesn't erase a lifetime of being a douche.”

“I understand,” old Jack said. “Just give me one more night. Me and Rob will go out for a few drinks and when I come back at sunrise, if he still makes you happy, I will get in the pod.”

“Okay then,” Tammy said. “We will see you in the morning.”

New Jack held out his hand. “Thanks. This is really big of you.”

Old Jack looked down at new Jack's hand, then up at new Jack. “You can use that hand to go fuck yourself. Come on, Rob.”

On our way out I heard Tammy espousing that Jack's exit was exactly why she was glad he needed to get in the pod. I leaned the shovel against the door and rushed out to catch up with him.

“What is the plan?” I asked.

“The plan is to get out of here,” Jack said.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“I figured you would lull the new Jack into a false sense of security while we sneak out back and destroy the pod or something like that.”

“Nope. Not this time.”

“Are you really going to do this?”

“Sure,” Jack said with a shrug. “If he makes her happy, I'll go. It's not like everyone wants me to stay. I see you didn't stick up for me back there.”

I rubbed at my neck in embarrassment. “Sorry, man. I should've said something but I got kind of overwhelmed with what was happening. I mean, a pod person? It's so weird.”

“Yeah, weird.” He walked on ahead of me toward my Bug.

“You don't seem very worried.”

“Why worry? I'm a dead man walking. Nothing to worry about anymore.”

We settled into my Bug and I started the engine. “Which bar?”

“Actually, if you don't mind, I'd rather go back to your house and crash. I'm beat.”

“I thought you'd want to spend your last night partying.”

“Nah,” he said with a serene smile. “I want to be sober in the morning when I get back.”

“Oh. Okay.”

I drove us back to my place and we both went to bed right away. I was exhausted anyway and couldn't wait to get away from Jack. He seemed oddly calm. I had never seen someone shoot right past the other stages of grief and go straight to acceptance. It was weird, but then again Jack was weird so no surprise there. My dreams were filled with pods and plants and multiple Jacks. I woke in a cold sweat and didn't sleep much after that. Morning came and I found Jack sitting on the couch waiting for me. We drove back to his house with Jack as calm as I had ever seen him. When we pulled up in the driveway and cut the engine, Jack let out a slow exhale.

“You don't have to do this,” I said.

“Yes,” Jack said, “I do.”

He got out and I followed him. Jack paused on the porch and rang the bell rather than just letting himself in. Tammy answered the door. I started at the sight of her. She looked horrible. Her hair was a mess and mascara streaked her face. Her eyes were swollen and red, proof of hours spent crying.

“Jack,” she said curtly.

“Tammy,” old Jack said. He looked through the open door. “Where is your boyfriend?”

Tammy's lower lip quivered. “Gone.”

“Gone?”

“Gone. We had a huge fight about, you know, stuff. He took his pod and his ship and he left. He said the human race could go to hell as far as he was concerned.”

“Huh. Imagine that.”

She opened the door wider. “Looks like you win.”

“Yes. Yes, I do.” He looked at me. “Thanks for the ride, man. I'll see you later.”

I was more confused than ever. What in the hell was going on?

As Jack walked through the door, she grabbed his arm. “How . . . how did you know?”

He shrugged. “Just a guess.”

Tammy smiled. “I'll go and get cleaned up and we can . . .” She paused to flick a glance at me then back to Jack before she finished. “We can talk. About stuff.”

“I'd like that.” He grabbed her around the waist and growled at her. “I'd like to talk with you for a good, long, slow time.” Jack smacked Tammy on the ass as she disappeared into the house, then he turned to me. “Thank God that's over.”

I stood in the open doorway, mouth agape. “What just happened? I thought he was so much better than you? Why did she make him leave?”

Jack chuckled. “Tammy might be a bitch but she is right about one thing—I am a selfish lover.” He smiled wide. “Except for one day a year.”

I smiled with him. “Her birthday.”

“Yup. Sure, she has to remind me, but she reminds me for a reason. I might have never bought her anything, but you can't buy that kind of satisfaction.”

“You son of a bitch. You have got to be kidding me.”

“No joke. You wanna know why she has stayed with me for so long? Every man has a talent, my friend. And mine happens to be in the bedroom, if you get my meaning.”

I laughed aloud. “I do, man. I do.”

“I mean, I ride her like a four-wheeler in a mud pit on a hot summer's—”

I held up my hands. “Jack, seriously, I get it. You don't have to tell me the details.”

“Okay. Suit yourself.” With that, he shut the door in my face.

Typical Jack.

As I climbed back into my Bug, I wondered how different things would've been if the new Jack and his people had really integrated with us. I also wondered what their idea of happiness was. After all, if they couldn't satisfy one of our women, what hope did they have of satisfying the entire human race?

The flames licked the sky and I danced!

I watched as my house, and all the houses, the perfect little houses, went up in smoke, and all I could do was dance like I'd scored in the Super Bowl. I was free. I had beaten them! They couldn't stop me, they couldn't keep me from telling the truth, they couldn't hold me with their balloons and cookies and business cards!

I had scorched the earth they wanted so badly! Scorched it, cleansed it, obliterated any trace of them! They messed with the wrong Broncos fan!

Then . . . then I heard the cries. I heard the screams. I heard the calls for help.

The calls for me to help.

“Daddy! Daddy, help us! DADDY!”

Oh God, what did I do? What did I do?

“Anthony? Are you listening to me?”

“What? Oh, yes, sorry. I was lost in thought.”