Anything For Him (22 page)

If only he’d stayed out of that room. If only he’d obeyed me, done as he’d been told. Life would be very different for us. He would still be here rather than sitting in a cell, and he wouldn’t be missing out on these first precious months.

As I disembarked the bus and stared up at the high, grey walls of HMP Wandsworth, a cool wind circled my face, flapping my once again long hair across my cheeks. The black door before me was large and solid, with thick iron bolts and hinges. Holding in inmates, holding in my future.

My mind was full of ‘what if’ thoughts and they’d spiralled during the journey and formed coiled, hard knots of anxiety. I hadn’t felt like that since the day I told Officer Lederman about Liuz’s involvement in counterfeit alcohol. That day I’d been nervous, on edge, but only because I couldn’t be sure my plan was going to work. Liuz could have been locked away for too short a period of time, or too long. As it turned out, he would be free by Christmas, having received a lenient sentence for being a middleman as opposed to a main dealer, and also for good behaviour. Having him home for Christmas was going to be wonderful and what I prayed for every night.

Stepping into the prison, along with another visitor, also a woman, I took a pen from a guard and signed the visitor’s book. The pen felt slimy in my sweaty hands, the same way it had when I’d filled in Roksana’s birth certificate. This day had been a long time coming, and it took considerable effort on my part to ensure the stars were lined up for us, for all three of us. But it was going to be wonderful. How could it not be? But even with all my efforts, nerves still rattled in my stomach and weakened my knees. I rehearsed the scenario about to be realised, once again, and pictured the perfect outcome.

The corridor leading to the visitation suite smelled of dinner – vegetables and stew – and reminded me of my comprehensive school; the long stretch of hard floor, the pale-green walls, the absence of furniture or homely comforts. At the far end a heavy door led into a large room about the size of an assembly hall. I’d expected to see Liuz behind toughened glass, us having to use one of those telephones to talk to one another, our palms pressed so hard against the divider our skin turned yellow-white. But that was clearly not going to be the case. I was pleased, though. This suited my needs much better even if the scenario in my head had to be quickly rewritten.

I walked straight ahead, following a guard whose keys and baton rattled at his waist. The crackle of menace in the air told me this was no school. This was a very different place altogether. Red stacker chairs were set either side of white tables, the walls painted the same insipid shade of green as the corridors, and closed-circuit television cameras hung from the ceiling. Men in dark-blue, standard-issue clothing, hunched at tables, arms folded, scowls in place. Some had visitors, some sat alone, smoking, eyeing up me and Roksana. A woman, tattoos up her neck, slipped a package to a man beneath their table. The look she gave me, when she caught me staring, guaranteed my silence. I had no desire to come face-to-face with her on my way home. She looked as hard as any of the blokes in the room.

Liuz sat with his head low and appeared engrossed in a hangnail on his right thumb. His hair was shorter, and he wore the same dark clothing as every other prisoner.

We stopped directly in front of him. ‘Hi, Liuz,’ I said quietly.

His attention snapped up. He leaped to his feet, pushing his chair back, the legs scraping loudly on the floor.

‘Hannah,’ he gasped, widening his eyes and dropping his mouth slack. ‘What the fuck?’

The guard stepped over to him, scowled and nodded to the chair.

Liuz sat back down with ritualised obedience and spread his hands on the table, fingers separated wide

I stayed standing, cradling Roksana’s nappy-fat bottom through the carrier. ‘How have you been?’I asked. My heart was thumping wildly. Being so near him, seeing his beautiful face after all this time, was releasing a gush of emotions inside me. Combined with excitement and adrenaline, my blood had become a heated soup of turmoil, my knees weaker than ever.

His gaze dipped to the dark-haired bundle strapped to my body, then up to my face, then back to Roksana. Rapid movements of his eyes as he balled his hands into fists on the table and tensed his shoulders towards his ears. It became clear he wasn’t going to fill me in on how he had been. But that was OK, I had expected him to be pretty speechless at this point.

‘There’s someone you should meet,’ I said, carefully extracting Roksana from the sling, pulling out her tiny limbs and supporting her head. ‘This is Roksana.’

On cue, Roksana opened her dark eyes. Then she pouted her little rosebud lips, as if offering Liuz a kiss.

‘Roksana,’ I said, manoeuvring her so he could see her properly. ‘Say hello to your daddy.’

Liuz shoved a hand through his hair, making a dark tuft stick up oddly. I itched to smooth it down. He swallowed, once, twice. Rubbed his fingers over his forehead. The cuff of his top fell up his arm slightly, revealing a scabbed wound, red and angry. I tried not to look at it. Tried not to think how he could have got it.

‘Roksana?’ he whispered.

‘Yes, it means dawn, in Polish. New beginnings, fresh start.’

‘Yes, yes. I know what it means. But …’

‘She is yours,’ I said, finally taking a seat.

The hard plastic dug into the bony protrusion on my back. I had lost weight since having Roksana. Probably a bit too much. It was hard work looking after a child when you were completely alone. Feeding myself was not always a priority. I could only hope that when Liuz saw me naked again he would still enjoy the look and feel of my body.

‘I, Jesus, Hannah. I had no idea, why didn’t you –?’ He shook his head.

I wasn’t sure if he had blinked yet since setting eyes on his child.

‘Tell you?’

He nodded, a stiff little movement, his gaze glued on Roksana. ‘Yes, why didn’t you tell me you were having a child?’

I settled Roksana in the crook of my arm and began to spin my web of lies. ‘I didn’t realize I was pregnant for ages, not until it was too late to, you know, do anything about it. And then, when I did find out, I realised how much I wanted her. Our child, our daughter. There was only you, Liuz, we didn’t use protection that last time, do you remember? We were so carried away with our lovemaking, all we could think of was one another.’

He closed his eyes for a few long seconds, as if remembering back to that wonderful morning. Well, the start of it anyway.

When he opened his eyes again, I brushed my lips over Roksana’s head, hair as soft as an angel’s whisper. ‘I just wished you had been there, Liuz, to see her the day she was born.’

‘Well, yeah, er, me too, but kind of hard when I am banged up in here.’

I could almost hear the cogs of his mind working, his mouth barely keeping up with his thoughts.

‘I went to your flat when I found out I was pregnant. But there was someone else living there. He said you were in prison, so I rang Officer Lederman. He told me that you were serving time for selling-on counterfeit alcohol.’ I paused and shook my head. ‘I am so sorry, Liuz. What happened? How did they find out? What with Beef – I mean, Grant – being dead.’

Liuz twisted his mouth and shrugged. ‘I do not know. Some anonymous tip-off, apparently. Bastard. I’ll kill them if I ever get my hands on them.’

I breathed a sigh of relief. Officer Lederman had promised me anonymity. It seemed he had lived up to his word.

‘So when will you be out?’

‘Eight weeks and it cannot come soon enough.’ He nodded at Roksana. ‘How old is she?’

‘Three months.’

‘Can I hold her?’

‘Of course, she’s your baby too, Liuz.’

He glanced at the guard who’d told him to sit earlier. Our conversation had clearly been overheard, because the guard nodded and gave a ‘go ahead’ wave of his palm.

Standing, I passed Ana over to her father, my heart swelling, my breath held. This was an act usually performed in a hospital delivery suite, but not for us, not for Roksana – she was meeting her father in prison, in a scary big room full of mad and bad people.

Liuz held her inexpertly, his big hands awkward on her. Carefully, I repositioned his fingers so he supported her head and her body sat within his arms. My fingertips brushed his forearm, and a familiar tingle of longing raced through me. I wanted Liuz now as much as I had right in the very beginning. Perhaps even more so.

He dipped his head to hers, shut his eyes and breathed in deep. I knew what he was doing. It was the same thing I did. He was drawing in her heavenly baby smell, powder and petals. It was addictive, that smell, and the need to inhale it repeatedly a very instinctual one that couldn’t be ignored.

Roksana had seen very few adults other than me, just a few medical staff, and I had been terrified that when she saw her father she would wail. I’d made sure I’d fed her and changed her nappy just before the visit to ensure she would be on her best behaviour, but it still couldn’t be guaranteed. Though it seemed I had worried needlessly, because crying wasn’t going to be the case. Instead, she just looked up at Liuz, her long lashes fluttering as she struggled to focus on a new face.

‘She is beautiful,’ Liuz said, gazing into eyes that were mirror images of his own. ‘Really, so beautiful.’ He looked up, tears brimming on his lower lids. ‘Oh, fuck, Hannah, what the hell are we going to do?’

‘It’s OK,’ I said, reaching over the table and once again resting my fingers on his forearm, ‘really, it’s going to be fine.’

He shook his head then looked back down at Roksana. ‘How can it be? Look at me. I am such a fucking loser.’

‘No, no don’t you ever say that.’ My voice was stern. ‘You are a clever, independent, determined man, and this is all going to be fine. I’ve thought it through.’

He sucked his lips in on themselves, as if holding in emotions he didn’t want to give words to.

I allowed him a few seconds to control himself. I knew he would be like this. He acted all tough but he had a soft heart, my Liuz.

‘What exactly do you mean?’ he asked eventually.

‘When you come out you can be a father to her, Liuz. I want you to be, so does Roksana. Every little girl needs a daddy.’

‘But, Hannah, are you not mad at me? I just fucking walked out, left you, with just … with just that word.’

A shard of pain sliced through me at the memory, but I braced against it and stuck to my plan. ‘Of course I was upset, we went through a lot together. I had strong feelings for you, Liuz, you know that.’

‘I just could not fucking cope,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘When I saw that wall, with all those crazy paintings you had done. Seeing it all there, in front of me. It made me realise that I had dragged you into something so depraved and evil.’ He dropped his head. ‘I felt like such a nasty bastard and I was ashamed to have ever allowed you to become involved. You are a good woman, a sweet girl, and I knew you deserved more, even if you didn’t believe that you did. You could do much better than me, Hannah.’

‘That’s not true.’ I fiddled with a buckle on the baby sling. ‘There was nothing conventional about our relationship, Liuz. From the very first email to our very last fuck, we were living on the edge, the boundaries of what was acceptable to both of us.’

‘Yeah, I suppose you are right.’

He dipped his head and sniffed Roksana’s head again. Her little fingers flailed as if reaching for him, and he tentatively allowed her to grasp his pinky.

Tears nipped at my eyes. The sight of them together was almost overwhelming.

‘Well, it’s gone now, the mural. I had to make that room into a nursery. I covered it in pink and painted Disney princesses on it. She loves to lie in her cot and stare at Snow White especially.’

A small smile tugged at Liuz’s mouth. ‘I used to like that story when I was a child. The dwarves were funny.’

I allowed a moment of triumph. I was getting to him. ‘So when you come out, in eight weeks’ time, where are you going to live? Your place has been rented out to someone else.’

‘I am not sure. There are a bunch of busybodies who help sort out shit like that.’

I tensed. This was my big moment. ‘Why don’t you come and live with us?’

He dragged his attention from Roksana and settled a brooding stare on me. ‘Why would you offer me that?’ His voice was incredulous.

All the other noises in the room faded. Although the air was cool it was like I was in my own hot bubble. Sweat pricked and my pulse raced. ‘Because you are the father of my child, Liuz. I, we, want you there.’

His jaw tensed and a small muscle twitched. ‘I do not know.’ He shook his head.

A bilious wave of nausea rose like a flame up my gullet. ‘It seems the perfect solution. Come and stay, for a while, at least. Get to know Roksana. She’ll be sitting up soon, crawling. Don’t miss these things, Liuz.’

Roksana squirmed in his arms. He made a soothing, shushing noise and rocked her gently. She quieted and stared up at him, as though as fascinated by her father as he was with her. As I was with him, too.

‘See, you’re a natural,’ I said, wringing my hands then knotting them on the cool table, squeezing until my knuckles paled.

He said nothing, a silence extending between us. A silence I wanted to fill with words of persuasion, temptation, begs and pleas. I had to be with him. I had to have him in my life. This couldn’t all be for nothing. Going through having a baby, all alone, his time in prison, he couldn’t just let it be in vain.

Eventually he spoke. ‘I think I just want to go home.’

‘But, but you can’t, I told you, the place has been let out to someone else.’

He shook his head. ‘No, you misunderstood me.’

‘I did?’

‘Yes, home, to Poland.’

It was as though a ton of lead weights had been dropped in my stomach. My head spun. Never had I bargained on this. Him wanting to leave the country.

‘But, why? I wrote the article, for the paper, the one you wanted me to, saying that all debts had been settled. There is nothing to fear if you stay.’

He cocked his head. ‘I did not know you had done that, thank you. But I have contacts at home, friends, good friends. I can get a job doing something honest, hold my head up again, make something of my life.’