Apprehension and Desire: A Tale of Pride and Prejudice (16 page)

Elizabeth could not sleep,  not so much because of the slight lingering pain in her knee, but from all the thoughts which had invaded her mind and refused to go away and let her rest. She was furious with herself.  Her mother was right; she had behaved like a child, injuring herself in such a stupid way, not looking where she was going. Her punishment was acute indeed, and she deserved it, forced to stay at home for a month, not being able to even move on her own.

There was Darcy too. She had told him everything she had against him. At first she had felt relieved, and even, in a way, proud of herself. However, very soon, the feelings of guilt came to her. She felt that she had said too much and had been unkind. She knew that he cared for her; her words must have pained him. She acted like Caroline Bingley's sort would have, spiteful and harsh. He had been wrong about Jane, but she should not have reacted so strongly. She might have attempted to resolve it in a gentler way. Even after she fell down, he had been only kind and caring, when she was cold and aloof, pushing him away.

That was what she had been doing for the last weeks, keeping him at distance, pushing him away. She had to admit that for most of the time, especially when they were alone, he was very good to her, and tried so hard to please her.  He had even offered  to invite the Gardiners to Pemberley, though he had never met them before.

She had allowed him to believe that she cared for him when she accepted him. Consequently, she should be treating him accordingly, even if she felt less. She was responsible for him now, not only for hurting his feelings, but, more importantly, for his happiness.

***

Due  to all the late night's thinking, Elizabeth overslept the next day. When she woke up at nearly ten in the morning, Jane told her that the Darcys were already waiting to see her.

She did her best to hurry with her toilette and breakfast, which took twice as long as usual. It was only after eleven when she was ready to admit her guests, sitting on top of her made bed, covered with a pretty lace coverlet.

Georgiana came in, but there was no sign of her brother.

The girl walked near her bed. “Miss Elizabeth, I was so distressed when my brother told me what happened to you yesterday.” She spoke with genuine compassion.

“I am well, but please, I thought we had agreed to use our first names.” Elizabeth patted the place beside her.

Georgiana sat down on the edge of the bed. “Are you in pain?”

“No, not now, when the leg is in these braces.” Elizabeth uncovered her leg so Georgiana could see a stocking clad leg clasped in wooden boards. “It pains me only when I try to bend the leg.”

The girl touched the braces with gentle fingers. “I am so sorry it happened to you.”

“It was my own fault, I am afraid. It only serves me right though. I will be looking where I place my feet now.”

Georgiana leaned forward confidentially. “Brother was so worried yesterday. I have not seen him so concerned for a very...” Georgiana paused, her expression even more clouded, “very long time now. He closed himself in his room for the entire evening. I doubt whether he slept much either.”

Elizabeth swallowed. “Has he come with you?”

Georgiana nodded. “Yes, he is waiting outside in the corridor. I think that he was reluctant to invade the privacy of your bedroom, because he did not want to walk in with me when Miss Jane invited us upstairs.”

“Could you please ask him to come here?”

Jane stood up from her chair. “I will go.”

Elizabeth thanked her with her eyes. Then she looked at Georgiana and smiled, at the same time twisting her hands nervously.

Darcy walked in soon, with Jane following him, sober looking, to say the least.

He bowed, walked to the bed and asked, “Are you feeling better today?”

Elizabeth managed a weak smile. “Much better, thank you.”

Darcy said nothing more and walked to the window to stare out of it, turning his back to the company. All three ladies looked at him, before Elizabeth turned to Georgiana and spoke in lowered voice, “Would you be so kind to leave us alone for a moment?” She gave the girl a pleading look. “Jane, could you please...?”

“We will go to Mary’s room.” Jane proposed in a decided, but kind, voice, “She has wanted to show Miss Darcy  her collection of music sheets for a long time now, I believe.”

As they were left alone, just two of them, Darcy turned from the window.

“Are you truly better?” he asked, standing some distance from her bed.

“I am truly well, only angry with myself for this.” She pointed to her leg. “I cannot imagine how I will be able to stay like this for four weeks.”

Darcy nodded. “I am pleased you are not in pain.”

Elizabeth shook her head and whispered. “No, I am not.” she gave him a long look. Her heart squeezed, he looked terrible, so pale, his face drawn.

She reached out her hand. “Please, come and be seated here.”

He seemed reluctant to do as she asked, but he stepped to her bed and sat down on the edge, his back straight.

Elizabeth did not know what to say, what words to use, so she leaned forward and hooked her arms around his neck tightly. “I am sorry. Please, forgive me for being unkind yesterday and for the last days. I am not proud of my behaviour,” she whispered into his neck.

She did not wait long until he returned the embrace, bringing her to him.

“I cannot bear when you hate me,” he murmured, his voice cracking.

“I do not, I do not.” she assured and pulled away from him to see his face; his   dark brown eyes were suspiciously misty.

She ran her fingers from his dark, mussed hair to his temple and down his cheek,   then placed gentle kisses on the places that she had just touched.

He closed his eyes, allowing himself to be caressed for a moment, but soon he sought her lips. Elizabeth accepted the kiss and once again wound her hand around his neck. He kissed her gently, just lightly tugging at her lower and upper lips. Determined to show him her new, changed attitude, she closed her eyes tightly and, in her opinion,  very awkwardly attempted to push her tongue between his lips.

He stiffened for a short moment, then to her great embarrassment, she heard him chuckle. She broke the kiss, blushing, hiding her eyes from his, her face turned to the side. He did not allow it, and taking the initiative, he caught her lips with his and deepened the kiss. She was aware how important it was now not to push him away this time. He should feel her willingness to be convinced that she was sincere in her assertions.

So overwhelmed with the deep, passionate kisses, she barely noticed when he pushed her down on the bed.   Finally she tore her lips away, needing some air.

She was breathing deeply, staring at the white painted ceiling as he sucked on the skin of her neck, his hand in her hair, combing through her locks, loosening hairpins. When his hand rested heavily on her breast, she whimpered at the shocking pleasure it caused within her. She gasped, panted and strained against his hand as he squeezed her bosom. She had no stays on today, so there were only her dress and the thin chemise underneath, separating his warm hand from her flesh.

She felt that she desperately needed something, needed more, and tried to lift her lower body against him in a silent plea. She wanted him closer.

The next moment she was all alone on the bed, his weight suddenly taken off her, when he jumped from her as if she had been made of hot iron.

Slowly, she sat up, trying to compose herself. She touched her swollen lips.

“Damn, I should have known better by this time,” Darcy murmured, as he paced the room.

“I hurt all over,” she complained, touching her aching breasts.

He laughed shortly. “I know what you mean.”

He walked to the washstand and wet the towel. Then sat next to her and put the cool material against her hot face.

“You should not trust me,” he said.

“But I do,” she protested.

“Elizabeth, this must stop.” His voice was so harsh that she startled, “The fault is entirely mine, but we cannot carry on like this,” he added more gently as he put the towel away and reached to her loosened locks, deftly pushing the hairpins into the right places. “One of our sisters might have come upon us at any moment.”

“I just wanted to show you that I...” she looked at him, troubled, “I wanted to be close.”

“I know, but we do not even have a wedding date settled, and  I cannot allow you to be round with our babe at our wedding. You deserve better.”

Her soft mouth fell open, “But we have not...”

“We certainly have.” He cut her off. “Had it not been your leg, and the fact that the door is open...” He raked his hand through his hair. “You must promise me that next time I try touch your breasts, you will slap my hand.”

She looked up at him docilely, “I liked how you touched me,” she admitted.

He groaned. “Elizabeth, you are not making it easier for me.” He placed his hands on her shoulders. “I am trying to protect you, do you understand?” He shook her gently.

She stared at him, wide eyed, and slowly shook her head, and mouthed, „No.”

He laughed, kissed the top of her head, and marched to the door. “I am going to fetch our sisters. We are safe with them.”

She plopped on the bed with a loud sigh when he left. She touched her breast, and then her hand moved low on her belly, causing her to shiver. She was so relieved he was not angry with her. She preferred not to think what she would do if he took offence and simply walked away from her life forever. She certainly did not like the idea.

“No, Lizzy, not like that,” Jane said as she pointed to the seam that Elizabeth was working on. “Look, the material is all wrinkled around the letter ‘F.’ You need to undo it and start from the beginning.”

“I will never have it right,” Elizabeth sighed in frustration.

“You are doing well; just a bit of patience is necessary on such a task,” Jane soothed.

Elizabeth began to unravel the ‘FD’ monogram embroidered in the fine cotton with the help of her small scissors, murmuring to herself. “I hate needlework. I hate it.”

“Ever more reason   Mr. Darcy will be very pleased with his present,” her sister noted.

“I doubt it, Jane; I truly do.” Elizabeth looked critically at the now partially destroyed initials. “He is always so neat and surely will not like to use such uneven, poorly trimmed handkerchiefs.”

“Nonsense,” Jane dismissed her worry. “He would wear a potato sack if you told him you sewed it especially for him.”

Elizabeth laughed. “You are making fun of me!” she accused.

Jane only glanced at her from behind her long, dark blonde eyelashes, her expression completely serious. “Want to make a wager on that?”

Elizabeth shook her head at her sister’s teasing and, with a new found energy, cleared the area of cloth completely to start embroidering the FD initials anew.

A few days ago, she had mentioned to her mother and Jane that she had felt embarrassed with all the gifts Mr. Darcy brought her almost daily, from books to chocolates, flowers and other small trinkets. Understandably, she could not repay his generosity, as trips to Meryton were impossible for her due to her still healing ankle and knee. Then Jane had proposed that Elizabeth could make a set of embroidered handkerchiefs for Mr. Darcy. Mrs. Bennet had acclaimed the idea, and the same day, together with Jane, they had taken a carriage and gone to Meryton to shop for the cloth. They had returned with two yards of expensive white cotton, and Elizabeth had no excuse now but to start working on the project.

There was a noise in the corridor, a door smacked loudly and someone ran down the corridor. A second later, her door flew wide open, and Kitty Bennet, red faced and  teary eyed, stepped in.

“Jane, Jane, tell Mama that it is so unfair!” the girl cried from the doorstep.

“What happened, Kitty? What is unfair?” Jane stood up from her place by the window beside Elizabeth.

Kitty sniffed as she walked inside. “Lydia is going to Brighton for the summer, and I am to stay at home.”

“What are you saying, Kitty?” Elizabeth questioned. “There is no possibility she would go alone.”

“Papa would never allow that.” Jane supported.

Kitty plopped on the nearby chair. “She received an invitation from the wife of Colonel Forster to stay with them, as Mrs. Forster’s particular friend. They should have invited me as well! I am two years older! It is so unfair.”

“Kitty, Papa will never agree to such a scheme.” Elizabeth assured in a calm voice.

“He already has, Lizzy,” Kitty said, pouting.

The older sisters glanced at  each other.

Elizabeth shook her head. “That cannot be.”

Kitty lifted her handkerchief to her already red eyes. “Mama said that Lydia would get two new dresses and a new bonnet and...” she hiccupped, “...a spenser just for the occasion of this trip.”

The last words slurred as she began to weep.

Jane walked to the younger girl and wrapped an arm around Kitty’s shaking arms/body? in a compassionate gesture. “Now, now. It will not be that bad.”