"Is he coming here?"
I
asked.
"He's on his way. He has to make connections through Dallas. He called back to say he would be in Memphis early in the morning and would rent a car. He should be here before eight."
She toyed with her tuna a moment and then rose.
"I've got to call the funeral home and the minister," she said, but the phone rang before she could return to the office, and it was the minister. Reverend Hastings, who had already heard. Apparently, all the clergy had a direct line to the hospital emergency room and the morgue. I listened vaguely, still dazed. as Brenda discussed the arrangements.
Celia listened, too, but with that soft, small smile on her lips. "She's so strong," she said shaking her head and looking toward the kitchen. "Like a thick tree trunk in the wind. unmovable. But later." she added, turning back to me. later..."
Later what? I wondered. but I didn't ask. I could only imagine what that meant. Brenda would break down and cry on her shoulder? Or rant and rave and need to be calmed? Would she be more like me and maybe faint?
I rose and walked down the hallway to Mama's bedroom. Her bed was still unmade, of course, and the pillow still had the impression of her head. I went to the bed and sat and stared at the pillow. I saw a strand of her hair and carefully plucked it off the pillow, holding it in my hands. It was a part of Mama. Her DNA was in this, her physical identity. I wrapped it around my finger and kissed it.
Brenda came to the doorway. She didn't ask me what I was doing or why I was in there.
"Celia and I are going to the funeral parlor. April. We have to choose a coffin."
"I should go. too." I said. standing.
"It's not necessary. I think it would be better for you to rest."
Ceila's going, I thought. Why is that necessary and not my going? Brenda hadn't even hugged me yet. She hadn't cried with me or held my hand. If anything, at this moment, she reminded me of Daddy when he had become Mr. Hyde.
"I could go," I said through trembling lips.
"It's very unpleasant. April. I can't take doing this and caring for you at the same time," she replied, almost snapping at me. "Just stay here and, if you want, answer the phone. As people find out, they'll be calling. The funeral will be on Tuesday at ten A.M. at the church. We're not going to entertain anyone after the internment. I'll announce some charity or something where people can make donations in Mama's memory. Probably the cancer society, where we had them donate for Daddy's memory. We'll be home as soon as we're finished.'" she concluded, and left.
I heard them walk out the front door. They closed it softly, but to me, it sounded Eke a gunshot echoing through the house. Being alone was never frightening to me. but I felt myself sink into a panic. Death. Bad Luck, all of it had been and was probably still in the house. It gave me the chills to think about it. My teeth actually clicked. I hurried out of Mama's bedroom, went to my own, and crawled under the covers. I wanted to pull them over my head. Sleep, at least, was an escape. The phone rang often. but I didn't answer it. I was drifting, and even though I heard it, the ringing sounded way off in the distance, easy to ignore.
I did hear Brenda and Celia return. Brenda didn't stop to talk to me. I heard her go directly to her bedroom and close the door. A few moments later. Celia did stop to look in on me. I opened my eyes.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"No," I said in a small voice, and closed my eyes.
I heard Brenda's door open and close again, and then all was quiet. The phone rang and rang a number of times after that. It grew very dark, and finally. Brenda and Celia emerged and began putting on lights and preparing dinner. Celia came back to my room to tell me I should get up, maybe take a shower, and come to dinner. The minister was going to visit us in about an hour. and Brenda expected he might have something to eat with us as well. Shortly after that. Mrs. Maxwell arrived with a pot of her homemade stew and an apple pie. She had been working on food since she had returned from the hospital. She sat with us for a while and was there when the minister arrived.
Brenda listened to him talk to us about God's will, the end of Mama's painful journey, the blessings she had provided for us, the need for us to be strong. She was staring at him with such indifference she made me nervous. It was finally Celia who carried on some conversation. He didn't eat much with us: he discussed the arrangements again, and left. Brenda was unusually quiet. I thought. Her silence frightened me because she looked as if she were holding an explosion under a lid within herself.
"I'm going to bed," she announced, and left us.
"It's all really first hitting her," Celia explained. "She'll be better in the morning."
I helped her clean up. Every once in a while. I found myself looking for Mama, expecting her to appear in a doorway, or expecting to hear her voice. Celia talked about her own mother's death and how she had dealt with it.
"I wasn't in a situation much unlike your own," she told me. "It's impossible to make any sense of it at the time. Even now. when I think back. I find it hard to believe. Don't worry," she said, putting her arm around me. "We'll be here for you. We'll always be here for you,"
How could that be? I wondered. They were college students. What would Brenda do? Where would I go? I couldn't live alone here in the house. Again.
I
felt terribly selfish for even having these thoughts at this time. My mind should be only on poor Mama and not myself. Feeling exhausted again. I excused myself and went to bed.
I didn't think I'd be able to do it, but my body fooled me. and I fell into a very deep and long sleep, not waking up again until I heard the doorbell ringing and Brenda's footsteps in the hallway. I sat up, saw it was a little past eight in the morning, and slipped my feet into my slippers. I threw on my robe and went to the door. The moment I heard Uncle Palaver's voice, I rushed out. too. He was standing in the entryway. hugging Brenda. Celia was off to the right. They were both in their robes as well.
He saw me coming and held out his right arm so that he could hold the both of us at the same time. I rushed in to hold him as well_ and the three of us stood there.
"You poor kids," he said. "What a time, what a time. I feel so bad that I wasn't here for her."
"She would have chased you out. Uncle Palaver," Brenda said, pulling away and wiping her eyes. "You know that."
He nodded and looked at me. Brenda went for his suitcase, but he insisted he'd carry it himself to the guest room. It was then that Brenda finally realized she hadn't introduced Celia.
"I've heard so much about you," she told him. "I'm so sorry our meeting each other has to be under these circumstances."
"Yes." he said. and went to the bedroom.
Celia rushed off to start breakfast. and Brenda and I went to dress.
At breakfast. Celia recapped all the events as they had occurred. Before she was finished, the phone began to ring,
Mrs. Maxwell was bringing over more food. Our attorney called to talk with Brenda. And those women who had been Mama's friends before she had retreated from society began to call as well, all offering their condolences. The news was really spreading quickly now.
People began to arrive. Uncle Palaver was wonderful when it came to handling all that. Most everyone brought something to eat, as well as flowers and candy. Soon the house was taken over by Mrs. Maxwell and some of the other neighbors. I wandered about, accepting sympathies, listening to advice and expressions of hope, collecting kisses like someone in a church with a plate for charity.
The day seemed never to end. Whenever there was a dry spell, an empty moment. I felt the weight of the fatigue in my body. I dozed off a few times, once in Daddy's office on his leather settee. Unbeknown to me. Celia and Brenda had sat down to have a serious conversation about me and what we would all do. They weren't troubled by feelings of guilt for doing so. as I was After everyone left the house, the four of us settled down in the living room. and Brenda began.
"I've been speaking with Mr. Weiss, our attorney, who has been in charge of our financial affairs ever since Daddy left us,' she began. "He agrees with me that we should put the house up for sale immediately. We'll sell all the furniture with it. All we need to pack are our personal things. I've already contacted the Salvation Army to come and get Mama's clothes and Daddy's as well."
I looked at Uncle Palaver, who sat staring down at the floor. He seemed so much younger and unsophisticated. It was as if the death of his sister had driven him back to being a little boy again. Brenda was the one in control, the older one, the wiser one at the moment, and that disappointed me.
I
had hoped and dreamed he would come flying into our home and lives with all sorts of magical ideas that would ease the burdens, the pain, and the worry.
"Mama's clothes?"
"Celia and
I
have talked about everything, April. and Uncle Palaver agrees with us."
"Why didn't anyone talk with me?"
"That's what we're doing now."
"I
meant before."
"You weren't in any sort of condition to talk about these things.
April. Don't make a big deal of it."
I pressed my lips together and sat back.
"Anyway. Celia has called a cousin of hers who owns a house in Memphis that he rents. It's fully furnished. It's in a nice neighborhood near the Memphis Country Club, an area known as the Historic District, and it's not far from a good high school. You'll have your car, so you can drive to school every day."
"I'll go to school in Memphis?"
"Of course in Memphis," she replied quickly. "Where else would I mean?"
"You mean. I'd go live with you and Celia in Memphis?"
She shook her head and looked at Celia, who smiled softly and closed her eyes and opened them. Brenda softened.
"Look, April. I'm old enough to be your guardian, legal guardian. thank goodness, or some government agency might come waltzing in here and butting in on our lives. I don't expect any of our disinterested relatives to come and offer to take you in to live with them. and I can't think of any you'd want to live with. Half of them have sent regrets, and only two cousins have indicated they'll be at the funeral tomorrow. This is the best solution. right. Uncle Palaver?'"
He looked up quickly, as though he had been in a daze himself. "Oh. Yes, of course," he said. "And I'll stick around and do whatever I can to help with the transition,"
"Just run your hand over the house and make it disappear, Uncle Palaver," I said, my eyes filling with tears.
"Stop it. April. You have to grow up overnight, and that's that." Brenda said.
I bit down on my lower lip and nodded.
"We'll enroll you in the public school nearby, and we'll manage. If everyone cooperates, it will go well and quickly."
"Like nothing's happened," I muttered.
"You were never crazy about your school friends here. You're not giving up all that much." Brenda said.
No, not much, I thought. Not now, not with both Mama and Daddy gore,
"It'll be all right," Celia said. "We'll have each other; well take care of each other. You'll see."
I looked at Uncle Palaver. He looked relieved.
"I'll make it my business to see more of you girls," he promised.
"That's for sure."
"The day after the funeral, well do what we have to do with the attorney. Well begin to pack our things, give away what we're giving away. Well need a good deal of our kitchen utensils, dishes, silverware, all that."
"I'll help. In fact. I'll start right away," Celia piped up as if this was some sort of wonderful new event. "Then I'll go on ahead of the two of you and get the house as ready as
I
can. It won't take much to get us all established." Celia said. "We should have it all done in a matter of days."
"Days?" I asked.
"It's better we do all this as quickly as we can," Brenda said, and then added. "It's less painful for us that way."
I simply stared at her. which I could see annoyed her.
"Okay, April. This isn't easy for anyone. Do you understand?" she asked.
"Yes." I said.
"Good." She looked at Celia, "I'm planning to take a hot shower and go to bed. Do you need anything. Uncle Palaver?"
"No, I'm fine, honey. Thanks."
Brenda rose. Uncle Palaver stood up and hugged her. He hugged Celia. too. Then he looked at me.
"You going to bed now, too. April?" he asked.
"I guess." I said. I stood up, and he hugged me.
"Try to let some sleep. It's a hard day tomorrow," he advised.
I nodded. I couldn't talk. My throat was too tight. He kissed me on the forehead and walked out. For a long moment. I just stood there, listening to their footsteps. Then I followed them all and went to my own room. When I stepped in. I closed the door and simply stood there gazing at everything. I had spent my life in this room, and in a few days, hours. I would leave it forever and ever. In some ways. I would miss it more than anything.
My eyes went to my bed. and I stepped up to it and picked up my Panda doll.
"We're going away. Ms. Panda." I said. "We'll never be back, and you probably know as much as I do about what that all means."
It did all go smoothly and quickly. A part of me hated that. A part of me wanted it to be difficult and painful. That part continually chanted that it should not be this easy to slip out of one life and into another. I felt like the snake I saw in a science class movie wiggling out of its skin. It didn't even look back at what it had discarded, despite the fact that what it left behind was once an essential part of who and what it was. All this in a real way fit Brenda's philosophy about her sporting activities: never mourn over a loss, and don't spend all that much time celebrating a victory. Instead, look to the future. What was over was over when the buzzer sounded.
Well, the buzzer had sounded loud and clear on our lives. This game was over. Lingering about to wallow in the memories, to mourn and cry and rage, was pointless to Brenda. Bury the dead and move on were words clearly written over her face. The other part of me actually envied her. I couldn't take my eyes off her the whole time. I so wanted to be like her, wanted to be able to talk to people without sobbing or choking up every thirty seconds, wanted to be able to take charge of every arrangement, answer every new question. Other people noticed it as well, and many commented to me about how lucky I was to have an older sister who was so competent, mature, and responsible.