I felt truly dazed while Celia showed inc things, described things, talked about the school, her classes, the city itself. I vaguely listened, like someone working with music in the background. I knew it was there, knew that her words were there, but I was somehow withdrawn.
It was different in the gymnasium. I couldn't ignore anything. It reminded me too much of the high school games I had attended, either by myself or earlier with Daddy and Mama. It brought back those memories, the building excitement, the noise, the cheerleaders. It always felt like an event, and with the emphasis this school placed on female athletics, it was no different.
There was a group of boys in the bleachers who were there simply to mock the girls. There were always some in high school who were like that, but these boys looked drunk or high on something, because they were so loud and conspicuous. I saw the referee warn them, and then a woman who was probably a teacher at the school chastised them as well. They calmed down, but as soon as the game was under way, they were back at their shouts and howls.
I had watched Brenda play in competition many times, of course. and I always noted how the other members of her teams treated her with deference and respect. Right from the beginning, it was clear that they were looking to her for direction and momentum. Her energy drove her teammates. She was making shots and intimidating the opposition so aggressively and determinedly that after a while, even the boys who had come to mock the game settled into a quiet appreciation. They simply couldn't take their eyes off her. I realized that in the short time she had been away at college, she had become so much better than she had been. The quality of the competition probably sharpened her skills. She drew fouls periodically, and every time she went to the foul line to shoot, she looked our way. Celia didn't wave or anything, but I could tell they were exchanging more than just a glance,
Despite Brenda's superior abilities, the game remained very close and exciting, because there were girls on the other team who were quite good as well. I forgot everything, lost myself in the battle. and grew hoarse shouting. It was in the last two minutes that the game was determined. Almost as if Brenda were the heroine in a movie, it fell to her to make the final shot. The ball teetered for a second or so on the rim and then fell through as the buzzer sounded. Her teammates converged on her. It was actually the most exciting game I had ever seen her play.
The fans were rushing down the stands around us. but Celia remained stated, calm, her face full of light, as she watched Brenda greeting people, hugging teammates.
"She's like some graceful new animal out there. She glides and floats and does such wondrous things with her body, doesn't she?"
"Yes." I said, amazed at how taken Celia was with my sister. I certainly appreciated Brenda's abilities, but Celia's reaction was more than
admiration. She seemed to be in utter awe. She turned to me.
"I'm so sorry your mother couldn't be here to see this. Brenda would have been so happy, too."
"I tried to get her to come. I really did!"
"Oh. I'm sure you did, April. I'd be the last one to blame you."
"Brenda probably does," I muttered. "She looked so angry when she first saw me."
"No, she doesn't blame you. She gets that way when she is disappointed, but she loves you. She really does."
Yeah, right, I mouthed.
"C'mon, let's wait for her in the hallway. It's too hard to let to her right now."
We left the gym and sat on a bench outside the girls' locker room, where we watched the other students walking by and saw members of the opposing team rushing away with the shadows of disappointment splashed over their faces like ink.
"I feel sorry for them." Celia told me. "but Brenda never does. She says if she feels sorry after beating someone, she'll never be competitive enough. What strength she possesses."
"I know," I said. but I said it sadly, as though it were a disease she had and not a good quality.
Celia gave me a sideward glance and then put her arm around me and squeezed me to her.
"Don't worry," she said. "You'll find what you're good at, too."
She held me a little too long for my comfort. I looked nervously at the students who were looking our way. Finally. Brenda came out of the locker room. and Celia jumped up.
"Hey, hey, hey!" she cried. They gave each other the high five and hugged.
I stepped up behind them, feeling overlooked and tentative while Celia raved about the game. Other students passing by congratulated Brenda as well. If I didn't feel as if I were just tagging along before. I certainly did now.
"What did you think, little sister?" Brenda finally asked me. "You were fantastic. Brenda. I never saw you do so well."
She laughed and gave me a quick hug. Then she and Celia put their arms around me, and the three of us walked out.
"I'm starving," Brenda declared.
"So are we," Celia said. "Doheny's?"
"You think you-know-who is ready for it?"
"Sure, why not?" Celia replied. "It's sort of a hangout,'" she explained to me.
Hangout for whom? I wanted to ask, but it didn't take long to get there and find out.
There wasn't a male in the place.
Everyone there knew who Celia and Brenda were, too. What struck me about the bar and restaurant beside the absence of men was that the women there didn't look at all like college students. Most looked older: some looked much older.
"Didn't you want to go somewhere to celebrate with your team?" I asked Brenda.
"No. I don't care to relive every moment. It's done and gone. On to the next thing," she told me.
We had taken a table to the rear in the right corner. From there, we viewed the crowded bar. Brenda and Celia looked at the menu.
"What do you feel like?" Celia asked her.
"I could eat a horse on a gallop. I'm going for the Philadelphia steak sandwich. I know you'll order the Oriental chicken salad."
Celia laughed and leaned toward her. "You know me too well,"
Brenda smiled at her in a way unlike any smile she had given me or even Daddy during the good days. She put her menu down, and they touched each other's hand.
"You were amazing out there," Celia continued. "There were times I thought you had actually learned how to fly."
"You saw how that big, ugly blonde was elbowing me,I'm sure."
"I did."
"Too bad the ref didn't." Brenda muttered.
"Are you sore? I'll put some of that ointment on you later, if you like."
"I'm all right. I got one shot in before the end of the third quarter which kept her off me for a while..
"I was tempted to get up and scream at the ref myself," Celia said.
Brenda laughed, "Yeah, right," she said. "You come down on the court to yell at someone."
I felt I was outside looking in at them or maybe even invisible. Perhaps I had disappeared.
"I thought we were going to call Mama right after the game." I interjected the moment there was a pause.
They both looked at me as if they really did just realize I was there.
"She's right, Order for me. Draft beer. too. I'll go use the pay phone," Brenda said, and rose. She looked at me. "You want to talk to her. too?"
"Of course. I do," I said.
"What do you want to eat?" Celia asked.
"I'll have the same salad you're having," I told her, and followed Brenda to the rear of the restaurant, where the bathrooms and the telephone were located. Brenda dug into her pocket for a coin and began to punch out our home number. She told the operator to reverse the charges and gave the operator her name. I stood by waiting.
A woman with a very closely cropped head of black hair, an earring dangling from her right lobe, and a tattoo of a necklace made out of what looked like snake-skin around her neck stepped out of the bathroom. She had to brush by us and literally pushed me. back. Brenda glared at her and then turned back to the phone.
"Mama. We won!" she said. "By two points. I made the final basket," she added, and listened. "Are you all right? You sound sleepy. Oh. Well. I couldn't have called you much earlier. She's with me. She's fine," she added, looking at me. "She's right here. I'll call you in the morning. Yes. Okay, Mama."
She handed me the receiver and walked away. "How are you. Mama?" I asked quickly.
"I'm fine, April. So it was very exciting?"
"Yes, it was, and Brenda was the star," I said. I watched her returning to the table, where the waitress was bringing them mugs of beer.
"I'm so happy you were there for it, honey, so happy." "I wish you had been here. Mama."
"Me. too. But it was important that you were," she said. "Be careful driving." she added.
"I'll talk to you in the morning after we get up. I'm leaving right after breakfast."
"You don't have to hurry home on my account. April."
"I want to. Mama."
"Okay, honey. Have fun. Good night. Mrs. Panda." she said, and hung up.
I stood there holding the receiver. Mrs. Panda? Why did she call me that?
Brenda and Celia were laughing when I returned. They toasted with their glasses, and I sat.
"You want a Coke or a lemonade or what?" Brenda asked,
"Just a glass of cold water," I told her. She raised her eyebrows and turned to Celia. "I guess you're having a better effect on her than I've had. She orders a salad and a glass of water?"
"No one's having an effect on me," I said sharply. "It's all
I
want."
They both looked at me, at each other, and then laughed. I wished I were home.
"Mama said a strange thing to me." I blurted to stop them. "What do you mean?" Brenda said, winding down her laughter.
"What did she say?"
"She said. 'Good night. Mrs. Panda.'"
"Mrs. Panda? What's that?" Celia asked.
Brenda lowered her mug. "That's something my father called her when she was little, his little panda bear. He bought her a panda bear, and she treated it like a little friend forever," Brenda explained.
"Oh, how cute."
"But why did she call me that?"
"I'm sure she was just being sentimental and loving," Celia offered.
How did she know so much about us all, about how we felt? It wasn't her business. She reached for my hand. I started to pull away, but she literally seized it and held it.
"Your mother sees you growing up. April. You were the baby in the family, and you're moving on, becoming a young woman, driving, on your own. It makes her happy, but it makes her sad as well. It's just part of what it means to be a mother, a parent," she explained,
"How do you know all that? You're not a parent." I wanted to add.
And you probably never
will be
, but I didn't.
"It's basic psychology, honey. You'll see," she said, released my hand, but patted it.
I glanced at Brenda. She looked mesmerized by Celia. The two held their gaze on each other for a long moment, and then the food and my drink arrived. Some of the other women stepped over to our table to congratulate Brenda on the game. They had heard about it and about her performance. I noticed how they looked at Celia, who glared back at them like a guard dog, observing every touch, every hug and kiss.
"Who are these people?" I asked, scowling when we were alone again.
They both laughed. "What's so funny?"
"The way you asked," Celia said. "Some of them work at the college in the business department. That woman at the far corner of the bar is a drama and speech instructor. Ms. Formier. The rest are people who work in the area."
"How come you don't go where other college kids go?"
"We feel comfortable here," Brenda said. She glanced at Celia. I caught a slight nod. "Look, April. I think you're old enough to understand now. Celia and I..."
"I don't want to hear it!" I practically screamed.
"What?"
"I'm tired. I'm going back to the dorm."
I jumped up and started out of the bar.
"April!" Brenda called after me. but I kept walking. I really felt as if
I
couldn't breathe. The cold night air hit me like a slap. and I broke into a jog. I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks and blowing off my chin. I wasn't sure I was going in the right direction. but I kept going. anyway. After I rounded a corner. I stopped to catch my breath. and I heard Brenda coming up quickly behind me. She called out to me. and I turned.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she demanded as she approached in a walk now.
"I didn't like it in there." I said. "And I don't like Celia. She thinks she knows everything. everything. Especially about our family!" I screamed.
"Calm down. April," Brenda ordered.
I folded my arms and turned my back on her.
"You're acting like a spoiled, temperamental kid."
"I am not, and don't call me a kid. That's what she would say. I'm sixteen! I'm a young adult!"
I couldn't help shouting now. Like a coiled fuse attached to a time bomb. I knew that sooner or later. I would explode while I was visiting, and now I had.
"Then act like an adult." she countered. Her face softened. "Okay." she said. "I understand. This is all happening too fast, and it's too much in your face."
I didn't say anything.
"Come on. We'll walk back to the dorm," she said. She turned left. "It's this way. You were going in the wrong direction."
"I didn't care. I just wanted to get out of there."
We walked silently for a while. I looked back once to see if Celia was coming after us. but I didn't see her. I was finally alone with my sister.
"Most people can't help being who and what they are," she began. "I also know that most people don't want to believe that. They want to be able to blame others for the things they do or for who they become. First, it isn't right for people to stand in judgment like that, and second, their anger or intolerance is
usually born of plain ignorance
"I knew you took a lot of ribbing and abuse at school because of me. You never complained to Mama or Daddy or even me about it, either. and I was proud of you for that."
My heart was thumping. Brenda had never spoken to me like this.
It
was all left unsaid, stored in a closet or in a think, words not even to be whispered, thoughts to be driven away like pesky bugs. Now. Brenda was opening the closets, opening the trunks. The thing was. I was tempted to throw my hands over my ears and scream.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I don't want to hear any of this!
"I was never with any other girl before Celia," she continued. "I knew I had feelings that made me different. but
I
buried myself in my sports and ignored them as much as I could. When I was younger. I tried to deny them. I went out on dates, as you know, and I can't say they were all with losers. Some of the boys-- most of them, in fact-- were very nice. Don't think I wasn't upset with myself for not wanting to continue a relationship, but for me, it was always taking a journey on a street that turned out to be a dead end.
"When I came to college. I didn't expect it would be any different. Celia believes it's kismet that we met, especially at this particular time of our lives. She had doubts about herself and went through an adolescence not unlike my own. She had similar questions about herself. We certainly didn't expect what
happened to happen.
"The truth is. April. that I chose to room with Celia as soon as I set eyes on her, and not because I fell in love with her. Oh, no. I thought just looking at her that she was completely opposite from me and being with her might change me somehow. Imagine my surprise when I discovered who she really was and what she really felt.
"I know what you're thinking," she said, pausing to turn to me. "you are thinking, I wish the things my sister is saying she was doing about some handsome college boy."
I didn't say yes; I didn't say no. I felt too numb to speak and also afraid that my words would be wrong, that I might ruin this precious golden moment between us, a moment in which I sensed we were finally becoming real sisters.
She continued to walk.
"Maybe a part of me wishes the same thing. I don't know. I know with Celia. however. I don't feel any of the old guilt. I don't avoid looking at myself. I don't feel bad about feeling good.
"Do you know," she said, pausing again. "that when Daddy was being so hard on us all. I thought he was being especially hard on me because he knew who I was before I did, and he was taking it out on you and Mama as well? Maybe he was taking it
out on himself, blaming himself for permitting me to do what some old-fashioned people would call tomboy activities, encouraging me, in fact.
"And then, when he ran off. I was convinced I was the sole cause of it. Do you know how many sleepless nights I spent thinking that? I hate to admit it to anyone. but I had a sense of relief when we discovered the real reason for his deserting us, as terrible as that reason was. At least it wasn't my fault. Do you understand?"
I nodded.
"Anyway," she continued, walking again, "after his death.
I
had this feeling that chains had been lifted from me.
I
wasn't willing to go wild or anything. I had simply stopped all the denial. I looked at myself in the mirror one day afterward and said. Brenda, this is who you are. Take it or leave it, and get on with your life."
"What does Mama know?" I asked.
She didn't answer for a long moment, and then she stopped.
"You know, April. I can't say for sure. Sometimes. I would catch her looking at me with so much pity in her face I nearly cried, and sometimes, I saw her looking at me with admiration. Whatever. I think it's time I was as honest with her as I am with you. It's something I have to do, something I have to find the strength to do,"