Are You Sitting Down? (36 page)

“Mom didn’t tell you she was seeing someone, did she?”
Ellen asked.

With the sun now completely gone, she was a blurry haze of clothes in the distance with a ball of fog
gy white
gro
w
ing in front of her each time she breathed out.

“No, it appears I’m the last one to know.”

“Shocked?”

“Yeah.
Just a little.”

“We were too at first, but Calvin’s a nice guy.
She really likes him.
They met at church.
His wife died a few years ago.”

“Why couldn’t she tell me all this?
Why couldn’t you? Why couldn’t anyone?
”

“I guess she forgot
or we just assumed she had told you
,” Ellen said with a shrug.

“She forgot?
She talks to me almost every other day on the phone.
How long have they been seeing each other?”

“A couple of months now, I think.”

I shook my head in disgust.
I was so disappointed
.
There had been so many boring days in my apartment in
Me
m
phis
cured by the simple ring of the telephone.
When Mom called, I always had something to say.
I liked to think we co
n
fided in one another.
There was constantly something to talk about, even if I’d stayed in bed all day.
She kept me up to date on my siblings and how everyone was.
I would ask how she was d
o
ing after she got done talking about the family.

She had gone for a walk with Martin that morning, or skipped the walk to do the crossword in the newspaper.
She went grocery shopping and ran into someone I went to high school with
; they asked her how I was doing
.
Canned veget
a
bles were on sale so she bought extra. Someone died or someone
got
married.
I knew everything that went on in her daily life, or at least I thought I did.
I realized our days are o
f
ten filled with meaningless activities, and so we fill our convers
a
tions with meaningless words, but a conversation with Mom—no matter how insignificant—was never empty or worthless. She clung to every word we said.  She was our aud
i
ence, my aud
i
ence.

I searched the black sky for a twinkling star like I had lost everything.
Ellen came up behind me and wrapped an arm around my waist.
Her hand on my chest was nice as she squeezed me close for a warm consoling hug.
My heart was still breaking, frail from the unclear punishment of my Mom keeping her happiness from me.

Had she not wanted me to know?
Was she afraid of my reaction?
My thoughts should have been the least of her wo
r
ries since I did not live her
e
, and she did not have to face me i
m
mediately.
Maybe she just didn’t want to tell me over the telephone.
If so, then why had she not told me at all before Calvin arrived?
Surely she knew he was coming over.
Why leave the news to be born as a sudden su
r
prise like this?

“Ellen?
Travis?
Are you out there?”
Mom’s voice called from the back porch.

“We were just taking out the garbage,” I yelled.

“Hurry in.
The kids are anxious to start opening gifts,” she said closing the door.

I didn’t move.
Ellen let go.

“Are you going to be okay?”
Ellen asked.

“Yeah.
Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
I still didn’t move.

“Are you coming in?”

I turned and took her hand in mine and we walked back up onto the porch and into the kitchen.

As I entered the den, the heat from the fireplace chased the outdoor chills from my face.
Robbie, Rachel,
Daniel
, and
N
i
cole
were
all
seated by the tree
and
giddy with excitement.
Mom was leaning behind the tree digging through the gifts to start passing them out.
She handed one to each of the kids to let them go first.
Ellen sat on the sofa next to Clare and Sebastian.
Martin and Marline were
sitting
on the hearth.
Calvin was in Dad’s old chair.
I leaned against the doorway, still keeping my di
s
tance from everyone while Mom sorted gifts.

“Your Mom tells me you live in
Memphis
,” Calvin said turning the recliner around to look up at me.

“Yes sir, I moved there right after high school to go to co
l
lege,” I answered nervously without looking
back
at him.

I was
tr
ying
to sound polite.

“Bet there’s lots of pretty girls down that way,” Calvin said with a little laugh.

“I guess so.
”

“You should take your brother, Sebastian, with you and you two boys could double date.
Y
ou’d like Travis to introduce you to them pretty
Memphis
women, wouldn’t you?”
h
e asked Sebastian jokingly.

Sebastian grinned and agreed with a nod
, not really paying attention to the nonsense Calvin was speaking.

“I don’t date women,” I said unsympathetically.

“I beg your pardon
,”
Calvin
said
look
ing
at me again.

“I said I don’t date women.”

“Oh son, I bet you got a whole black book full of pretty l
a
dies’ phone numbers
, don’t ya?
”

“Calvin, why don’t you pass out the gifts you brought?”
Mom said, interrupting him.

“I’m gay,” I said.

“What?”
Calvin asked.

“Gay!”

“What?” he asked again louder.

“I said I’m gay.
I’m a homosexual.
I don’t like women.
I like men.
Men!
I sleep with men.”
I had started to yell.

“Travis!”
Mom
yelled
.

Martin and Ellen called out my name too.

“What?
I don’t understand.
”
Calvin said again, looking
at my Mom for an answer.

“I suck cock.
I take it up the ass.
I’m gay.
I said
I’m gay.”

“Travis!
Watch your mouth in front of the kids!”
Mom shouted
coming
towards me, but I was already walking out the front door.

“Mom! Stop!” Ellen called out.

Ellen
followed me outside, putting a hand up to keep Mom inside.
I was digging in my pocket for my keys
,
almost to my car.
Ellen grabbed my shoulder.

“Don’t go,” she said.

“I can’t do this, Ellen.
Mom doesn’t have the nerve to tell me she’s dating someone, and she obviously can’t bring herself to tell her boyfriend that she has a gay son either.
I can’t do this.”

I shook her hand from my arm and
opened the car door
to get
inside.
She tried to hold the door open so I couldn’t close it, but it slipped from her hand.
Sebastian had come outside and was standing on the front lawn watching.
I started the car and Ellen raced to the passenger’s side to try to get in but the door was locked.
Luckily, Clare had left enough room between my car and hers.
I was able to maneuver the car sideways to turn around.
I pulled my car into part of the yard adjacent to the driveway, knocking over a plastic lit snowman.
I drove past everyone else’s vehicles and onto the road, leaving Ellen and Sebastian standing in the yard.
I spotted Mom on the porch crying on Martin’s shoulder.

My own tears were now pouring down my face
.
I felt betrayed, not only by Mom but by the whole family.
I was too angry and confused to drive the hour and a half trip back to my apartment, but I didn’t know where else to go.
I drove past the cemetery expecting to somehow find the gate still open in my favor so I could visit Justin’s grave, but the gate was closed.
There was a sign on the fence that said the cemetery would be open tomorrow, Christmas
D
ay.

The part of the city of
Ruby Dregs
where all the resta
u
rants and commerce lie is to the north of old downtown, separated by an expansion of expensive brick homes, the high school, the community college, and the public park.
It
i
s a long
stretch of highway
with the shopping mall on one end, and the park on the other.
For years, teenagers
have driven
the strip on Friday nights, circling the mall, riding down the
road
to the park, and either circling back again or congregating in the community pool parking lot.
It’s a shame small town kids have nothing better to do than waste gas, but if there were other things to do besides go to the three
-
screen movie theater, whose to say they wouldn’t still be bored with their simple lives?

Passing the
public
pool heading north, not a single car was parked there tonight and the strip was practically empty.
Families and friends took traditional cues from holiday gree
t
ing cards and gathered at relatives’ homes or at parties, where I should be right now instead.
Young kids were already nestling into bed, unable to sleep with the anxiety that Santa was co
m
ing tonight.