Are You Sitting Down? (40 page)

He put a finger to my mouth to keep me from talking.

As if some imaginary kid was standing over us and we were his command center toys, Mark held his arms out stiffly pretending to be
a
little action figure giving a hug.
It made me laugh.
Then, Mark leaned into me and planted his lips on mine.
His face was warm and gentle
, not the machine molded parts of a little
plastic
toy
.
It was familiar, but sent chills up my back b
e
cause it had been a long time since he kissed me like this.
He stood up and took my hand to help me to my feet.

“What about Rachel’s doll house and the rest of the toys?”

“It can wait.
We have all night,” he said.

And with that, he led me upstairs to the soft double bed with real sheets and pillows, in our bedroom
where no
make-believe was needed.

Mr. Black

An overdose would be easy, planting too many of her pills in a pot of coffee, but Helen didn’t trust me to make a pot of coffee right or to
even
pour a cup for her.
She’d take one sip and pour it out, saying it was too strong or too weak, even if I measured it exactly the way she d
id
.
She would stomp into the kitchen and pour the whole pot down the drain and remake it her way just to be spiteful.

I could strangle or suffocate her, but that would require sneaking up on her and touching her while she was still living.
I abhorred the thought of having to touch her right before kil
l
ing her.
Plus, she had more energy than me and might be able to fight me off and escape.

An ax or large butcher knife would suffice, but it would be awfully messy.
I’m accustomed to cleaning up her messes, but all the blood would require bleach water and soap.
Depen
d
ing on what room it happened in, the carpet might have to be r
e
moved or the walls scraped and repainted.
Such activity might draw suspicion to the house because I’d have to haul away the old carpet and buy supplies.
As much as I dreamed of hacking her to pieces, it would be too risky.

Fortunately, there was an old box of arsenic powder at the school used to lace rat traps in the boiler room.
I
had
scooped a few spoons of it into a bag several weeks ago and hid it in the basement inside one of the small model homes on the train set.
Helen never
went
down there.
I was hoping to taint her food with it, or possibly sprinkle some in her pill bo
t
tles.

Helen had just gone upstairs.
I’d slept downstairs on the s
o
fa or in the spare bedroom for years now. I was still sitting on the sofa contemplating Christmas when there was a knock at the door.

“Helen? There’s someone at the door,” I called out, forge
t
ting for a moment that there was no way she could hear me
up
stairs
with her door closed
.

I lugged myself off of the sofa just as the knock came again.
My knees popped from the agony of standing.
I grabbed the arm of the sofa for support to turn myself around and go toward the door.
I had no idea who would be knocking on the door at this hour, much less visiting us at all.
To my surprise, it was Travis.

“Travis
?
I thought we wouldn’t see you till tomorrow.”
I stood aside so he could come in.

“Sorry it’s so late.
I hope I’m not intruding.
I knew that you and Mrs. Black kept late hours and I saw all the lights on.
So, I thought I’d stop by since I was out,” Travis explained.

“Oh, you aren’t intruding at all.
It’s always good to see you.
Helen just went upstairs to
be
d
a few minutes ago.”
 

“Don’t wake her just for me. I could come back tomo
r
row if that would be better,” he said.

“No, no, please come in.”

I gently tugged at the sleeve of his coat to urge him to come in.
Some friendly company and conversation would be nice.
This house had not seen any in several years.
I knew that Helen had just locked herself in her bedroom and would be reading for several hours, but
I
chose not to disturb her
to
tell her Travis was here.
If she overheard us talking, she’d mi
s
taken it for the television
anyway
.
Besides, it would be nice having a guest all to myself for a
little
while.

Although I was blatantly looking Travis up and down and admiring his lean physique, I would have to try hard to control myself and not look too eager in front of him.
Just barely touching the back of his hand when I pulled at his coat would have to be sufficient.
There was so much I would love to talk to him about concerning the love of men but given the ci
r
cu
m
stances, Travis was not the person I could confide in.

“Thanks, Mr. Black,” Travis said as I took his coat and scarf and hung them on the back of the door.

“So, how’s the family?”
I asked.

“
Fine.”

“You don’t sound so sure.”

“Well, you know how the White family is.
It’s a never en
d
ing soap opera.”

“I’ve seen your siblings’ names in the paper a time or two, but it’s no different than anyone else in this town.”

“Oh really?”

“Sure.
Town Secure Bank’s president was just arrested on charges of credit card fraud and embezzlement.
That tells you how secure they are!
The bank will probably close because of the number of accounts that have pulled out.
About thirty people will lose their jobs.
Most of their employees have a
l
ready relocated.
And one of the private practitioners just skipped town.
Did you read about that? He was being invest
i
gated for some huge pharmaceutical drug deal that went down on the internet.”

“Things never get boring in this town, do they?”

“
The Dreg
’s dirty laundry sure keeps the newspaper in business.
And the dry cleaners too, I guess.”
I laughed a little too loud at my own joke.
I stopped when I saw the expression on Travis’s face.
He looked like he was wincing in pain.
“Is everything okay, Travis?”

“My mother is seeing someone,” he said.

“Oh yeah.
What’s his name, from church?”

“Calvin,” he said in a sigh.

“That’s it.
Calvin.
He’s a real nice fellow
, c
razy about your mom too.
I take it you aren’t too crazy about him.”

“It’s not that I don’t like him.
I don’t know the man; I just met him for the first time tonight.
As long as he’s good to Mom, it shouldn’t matter what I think, but she didn’t tell him about me.”

“Tell him what about you?”
I asked.
Travis gave me a hard stare with his eyebrows raised as if I should already know.
It finally registered with me.
“About that—if your life could be any easier…would you—”

“Do you consider your life to be easy?”
Travis asked.

“Fair enough.”

I didn’t consider my life to be any easier.
As a matter of fact, it was probably a lot more difficult.
At least Travis had experienced true love with the type of person
h
is heart really desired.
Just for that, I was jealous of him.
Despite any small joys
masked by my own ignorance in life, I still always longed to be somebody else.

“Have you been to Justin’s grave any?”
Travis asked, changing the subject.

“No, I haven’t
.”
I look
ed
down at my feet in shame.

Travis kept quiet and just nodded.
His silence was pu
n
ishment enough.
I don’t really know why I ha
d not
gone to visit Justin’s grave.
I don’t
think
Helen had gone to the cem
e
tery since the day we buried him.
Time just slips away from us.
It keeps moving, and often we forget to stop and take time for the things in our life that aren’t going anywhere.

“I’m going to go tomorrow, and then head back to
Memphis
,”
Travis
said after a long break of awkward silence.

“You’re not going back to your Mom’s?”

“No.
I made quite a fool of myself back there, said some things I shouldn’t have and then stormed out.
I’m pretty emba
r
rassed about it.”

“What did you say?”

“A few things I’d be more embarrassed to repeat.
Ca
l
vin was making some friendly jokes about pretty girls and such, and so I told him I don’t like girls.
I said it right there in front of everyone.
It had already been pretty obvious that ev
e
ryone had met him before.
They all knew about him, but Mom never told me. “

“So your Mom kept both of you a secret from each other, huh?”

“I guess.
He knew who I was, but he didn’t know ev
e
rything about me that he should have probably known.”

Travis’s words made me think of Justin and how hard it must have been for him to carry the burden of his secret for as long as he did.
How long did he know he was gay before he told us?
All of his life, perhaps? I wondered if he would have ever chosen to tell us at all had he never met Travis.
Helen and I both admitted that we never suspected anything about Justin.
Neither of us had a clue until he told us.
It broke Helen’s heart.
She really wanted grandchildren.
It didn’t bother me as much, but it was as if suddenly Justin was a completely different pe
r
son
whom
I
’d
never kn
own
at all.