“
Think you need to understand women to unfuck things.”
“
Not really. Begging works to a certain point,” Mech said with a big smile. “General sucking up, telling them you're sorry about a million times is also good stuff.”
Even bigger smile from Wolf who apparently had decided to help Mech with the list. “And then there's
talking.
Women fucking love
talking.”
“
That what you did?” He asked.
“
Nope. Hence the many divorces,” Wolf retorted. “None of them were worth it.”
Dawg sighed and got up before he remembered she was probably still out there and sat down again.
“Gonna give her a few minutes to get away,” he explained when the two of them stared at him.
Wolf shook his head. “Given your sad fucking face, I'd say you should go for the begging. Some
serious
‘please forgive me I'm not worthy to even breathe in you presence’ begging.”
“
I'm going out there,” Mech laughed. “I'll let you know when the coast is clear.”
“
Thanks.”
Dawg might not be above begging, but he'd promised to stay away from Edie. Even if he could see the logic in that, after seeing her for a few seconds, he already regretted it.
-o0o-
Once I got out of the clubhouse and Dawg’s eyeshot, I leaned against the wall with my eyes shut, just trying to breathe. When it didn't help, I sat down and held my head between my knees, still just trying to breathe. I had no idea how long I'd been sitting there when I heard someone scooting down next to me.
“Hey, darlin’. You okay?”
I looked up and saw Mech sitting next to me.
“If I say yes, would you believe me?”
“
No,” he smiled.
I’d never really talked to Mech; he was one of the more quiet guys, so he wasn’t that noticeable. What little we’d talked, he seemed okay. What I did know was that word traveled fast in the club, so he probably knew most of what had happened. Or at least had a pretty good idea, so there was no need to lie about it. I didn’t have the energy to do it, either.
“Dawg was in there. I just need a moment.”
“
I know.”
“
I should probably leave, just in case he comes out.”
Mech pulled me up, then put his arm around my waist and walked me towards the tables. He sat me down and then handed me a smoke. For once, I took it. It couldn't make it worse.
“He won’t come out.”
He seemed very certain about it, so I assumed he'd come out here just to make sure I was gone before Dawg came out, and I relaxed. Brick had told me that Dawg had promised to stay away, and that it was up to me if I wanted to talk to him. Considering how just seeing him made me react like I had, I didn't see that as something that would happen anytime soon. I turned to Mech and decided that his love life was a lot more interesting than mine at the moment.
“How did you meet Lynn?”
He smiled. “She was my high school sweetheart. Hooked up when I was 17 and she was 16.”
I smiled “That’s really sweet.” Then I looked at him. “Or?”
“
Chicks seems to think so. I don’t know. She drives me insane sometimes, but I love her. She’s my girl. And she gave me Stella and Dennis. Best kids ever.”
“
They are good.” They were around the clubhouse now and then, and they were nice kids. Really nice with the younger kids as well. I liked Lynn, too. “You’re a lucky guy.”
“
I know,” he nodded. “Really fucking lucky. How was the trip?”
“
Good. Met some friends in Goa. Just... hanging. It was nice. Relaxing.”
“
Cut off those dreads.”
I laughed. He said it with the strangest voice and I couldn't decide what it meant. Mostly it sounded like he couldn't decide if it was a good or a bad thing.
“Yeah. Had a monsoon incident that involved a lot of sand. It was better to just cut it off.”
It had happened before, though, so I knew it could've been saved. But it felt like I was done with them, so Sabine helped me to cut them off and turned what was left into an acceptable haircut.
We sat in silence for a while, and finally Mace spoke up again. “He’s not gonna bother you.”
“
I know. Brick told me.”
So much for avoiding that topic, and my brain immediately started to analyze the situation again. I wasn’t sure if that was the best or the worst solution, simply since I didn’t think I’d muster up the courage to ever talk to him. I felt so stupid, for so many reasons. That I’d thrown myself at him, that I’d somewhere in the middle of the fucking thought it was more than a pity fuck, that I’d been so stupid, and most of all that I was surprised that he was gone the morning after.
Mech wasn’t finished though.
“
And I know I’m a mushy romantic, but he’s sorry.”
I didn’t answer that, just looked towards the gates to the lot, and then my eyes traced the fence surrounding it all. I didn’t want to hear that, I didn’t want to know that. I think I even would've preferred to hear that he didn't give a shit.
“Okay,” he said, leaned over and gave my cheek a kiss. “I’ll stay out of it. Drive safely.”
I got back to my truck and went home. I cried myself to sleep that night.
CHAPTER TEN:
Did you say sorry?
-o0o-
Saturday, November 11
th
I HAD THE LATE
shift, and it was one of those days when it would’ve been a lot fucking easier if I could've just stayed in bed. In all honesty, quite a few of the days since I got back a month earlier had felt that way, but today every customer added to the feeling by being an ass, and no one tipped a single damn cent. At least that’s how it felt. No matter how much they tipped, it didn’t cover the fact that they pinched my ass. I had a bruise the size of a golf ball on my butt cheek.
Only positive thing was that it was my turn to choose music for the cleaning that night, and I needed anger and something totally non-romantic. So Rage Against the Machine seemed like a good choice. I quickly realized that it was hard to sing along to but very good to speed up the cleaning.
The past month had been horrid, and things weren't looking up. In fact, nothing had. But that night I didn’t cry myself to sleep. I was too pissed, but it had been a while since I didn't do that. I just felt like shit, and every night when I had the late shift I tended to look towards that table where Vasco used to sit and wait for me. The empty space seemed to scream at me. And with Dawg out of my life as well, I wasn't sure who to talk to.
The really positive thing in my life came skipping into my apartment the day after in the form of my niece.
“Edie!” she yelled, “It’s been sooo long since we had a girls' night.”
It was kind of funny how quickly kids got over things. Or more how differently they missed things. Eliza talked about Vasco, but she wasn’t sad when she did, not anymore. She talked about all the funny things about him, and it was nice to hear. On the other hand, two months probably felt a lot longer to her than it did to me. I was looking forward to spending the night eating pink cupcakes and watching a kids’ movie.
“I wanna see 'Beauty and the Beast' again,” she said as she leaped onto the couch. “Is Dawg coming too?”
Yeah, okay, all of a sudden I wasn’t feeling all that good anymore. Her big blue eyes were studying me while I was trying to find oxygen in the air surrounding me.
“No, honey. He’s not.”
“
Can you call him and ask?”
“
He’s... he can’t make it. It was some club stuff.” I looked up and noticed Brick looking at me.
“
She’s right, baby girl,” he said and leaned over the backrest to give Eliza a kiss. “There was something I needed him to do.”
She frowned, but seemed to accept it. The club kids all had learned early on to accept club stuff as unavoidable. I followed Brick to the door, and when he turned and looked at me with a concerned face I gave him a big hug.
“Thank you.”
“
No problem, honey. Didn’t know he used to be with you for girls' night that often.”
“
No. Just once, and it’s not what you think.”
In all honesty I wasn't sure what I meant with that comment anymore. But Brick being Brick, he just smiled and gave my forehead a kiss.
“If you say so, girl.” He stroke my cheek. “Take care of my baby girl.”
“
You know I will.”
“
I do. Call if there's anything, and your sister wants you to come to our house for Sunday dinner tomorrow.”
If Lanie was set on things like that, she wouldn't give in and there was no way Brick would let me off the hook either, so I agreed and he was off. Then I sat down for the torture of watching 'Beauty and the Beast' with Eliza. And it was painful. Extremely fucking painful. I even got all sobby when Gaston was in frame, how fucked up was that? And Eliza wasn't any help at all when she talked about us being Dawg’s girls and that she wished he was here with us.
When she fell asleep I carried her into my bed, and I sat down on my couch and cried. Again. I was starting to think that the zombie version of me with no feeling was a lot better that this sobbing mess.
-o0o-
Brick knocked on the door to Edie’s place, and when she opened he could she was a mess. Her eyes were red and puffy. He didn't comment on it, just gave her cheek a kiss and walked inside. He knew what it was about, the look on her face when Eliza asked if Edie could call Dawg had been more than a hint.
“
Sweetheart, can you watch a movie by yourself awhile? I need to talk to Aunt Edie.”
“
Okay,” Eliza said and sat down.
He took Edie into her bedroom.
“How are you really doing, girl?”
“
I’m not sure. I think there’s just a lot of shit that’s coming back.” She sat down on the bed, and he sat down next to her. “I'll be fine.”
She looked uncomfortable, and Mel had been going on about Edie not wanting to talk to her either, so he wondered who she was talking to, if anyone. That was one of the things he worried about. That with Vasco gone, she didn’t have anyone to turn to.
“Baby, you need to talk to someone. I’m not saying it has to be me or your sister, but you need to get that shit out, like you did with Vasco.”
“
I’m not doing the shrink thing again.”
He knew Edie had hated every shrink she'd ever been to. “I know, and that’s not what I’m saying.”
“I’ll think about it, okay?”
“
Think fast.” He gave her a hug. “A lot of people who care about you, girl, so you need to let us help you.”
“
Okay.”
He figured she needed some time, so he cancelled dinner and told her to rest. She looked relieved. When he got home he watched Eliza run off to find one of her brothers, and he sat down with Mel in the kitchen.
“Did they have a good time?”
“
First thing Eliza asked yesterday was if Dawg was coming.” Mel turned around and stared at him. “Did you know how close they were? Dawg and her.”
“
I had a hunch.”
“
And you didn’t tell me because?”
“
Because you told me to mind my own business and butt out of whatever they were doing.” He had to give that one to her. “And look how good that turned out.”
“
Do you know what happened?”
“
No. You know she’s not talking to me about it.”
“
Then stop making fucking assumptions!”
She flinched as if he’d hit her. He didn’t raise his voice to her all that often, but he was fed up with her glaring at Dawg like it was all his fault, or making snide fucking remarks about him. They didn't know shit, and as far as he could tell, both Edie and Dawg were a mess.
“You don’t know shit,” he continued, “So leave it.”
“
Fine!”
He knew that ‘fine.’ It was another one of those female ‘fine’ that meant he was in the doghouse. That kind of 'fine' that meant 'I'm gonna shut up now, but I might stab you in your sleep'. But when she was like this it was better to leave her a while and then talk when she’d calmed down. He needed her to see that her attitude was what stopped Edie from talking to her, and Edie needed someone to talk to. He also needed her to understand that what she was doing now was not a way to make up for the fact that she left Edie with their dad. What happened wasn’t her fault and being pissed at anyone and everyone that hurt Edie in any way wasn't gonna make up for it. Edie needed a friend, not a mother or a bodyguard.
Mel yanked some stuff from the fridge, slammed the door shut, cracked eggs and started to whip them like they were her mortal enemies. He stood up. There was no way he'd talk to her about anything at the moment. He'd inform her that Edie wasn't coming for dinner later.
-o0o-
Thursday, November 15
th
“DAWG!” ELIZA YELLED AS
she came running towards him, and he picked her up in a hug. “I missed you at girls' night. Daddy said you were doing club stuff.”
“
Yeah,” he agreed and smiled at her. “He did. I’m sorry.”
“
Maybe next time?”
“
Maybe.” He looked at Eliza, who looked suspicious, and with a sigh he decided it was better to be as honest as possible. Kids usually figured out a lot more than you thought they would. “Edie's angry at me right now.”
“
Because you missed girls' night?”
“
No,” he chuckled. “I... hurt her.”
“
Did you hit her?” She was staring at him.
“
No! Jesus, sweetpea, I wouldn't do that.” He put her on the bar counter. He couldn't have his baby girl think he hit Edie. “I hurt her feelings. Do you know what that means?”
“
I think so.” She looked at him accusingly with those big blue eyes. “So there wasn't any club business?”
“
There was, I had club stuff then.” He figured there wasn't much point with throwing his prez and Edie under the bus for lying to her. “But it might be a while before Edie forgives me, so I don't think she wants me at your girls' nights.”
Eliza looked at him, rubbed her nose with her hand and sniveled a little.
“I wish you were friends again. Did you say sorry?”
She looked at him with her wonderful, big blue eyes that looked just like Edie's. He couldn't help smiling and gave her forehead a kiss.
“I'll do what I can. Okay?”
“
Okay.”
“
What did you watch?” He asked in an attempt to make her feel better again.
“
Beauty and the Beast.”
Ouch! He hoped it hadn’t been too hard on Edie. Or maybe he hoped she’d cared at little least. Jesus fucking christ that woman had him all twisted up.
Later that night he was sitting outside The Rover. He chickened out before she got off work and went home. He stomped around for half an hour before going back outside, but this time he decided to wait outside her place. He’d promised Brick, he knew he had, but... he was worried about her. And when he heard the truck he walked over to the door.
“
Edie,” he said when he saw her, and the look on her face when she noticed him made him hate himself even more.
“
You’re not supposed to be here.”
“
I know, but...”
“
No. No fucking 'but'. You’re not supposed to be here. You were gonna leave me alone and let me talk to you when I wanted to.
If
I wanted to. You were
not
gonna stalk me outside my fucking apartment!”
“
I’m sorry.”
“
For what? Do you even know what you’re supposed to be sorry for? Because I don’t think so.”
He hadn't expected this to hurt this much. His heart was aching in a way he'd never felt. It was hard to breathe. He wasn't sure what he had expected when he came here, but not this. Not her looking at him the way she was—and at the same time he knew he deserved this. Every fucking hateful look she was giving him and every word that came out of her mouth. He deserved it.
“I’m sorry I did that.”
“
Again, sorry you did what? Sneaking out the morning after
fucking
me or fucking me in the first place?”
That pissed him off. He knew that it was a bad idea to lash out at her, but he wasn't gonna stand there and hear her say shit like that.
“I'm sorry about all of it, but that wasn’t fucking. I’ve fucked a lot and I know what fucking is and we did
not
fuck!”
“
Yeah, we did!” She was glaring at him, but it was obvious that she was close to tears. “Might not have been as inventive as you’re used to since I was the only pussy in the bed, but that was fucking.”
He walked up to her, grabbed her face and stared her into the eyes. “That was
not
fucking and you are
not
pussy.”
“
You could’ve fooled me.” The first tear left her eye and ran down her cheek and hit the side of his hand. “You’re not the first guy who’s fucked me but you’re the first who left me before I even woke up. I’d say that makes me the very definition of pussy.”
“
Edie. I’m sorry, I... I took advantage of you and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it like that. But that wasn’t fucking.”
“
You’re really presumptuous, aren’t you? Just 'cause you’re the one who got to sneak out of the bed doesn’t mean you’re the only one who was using someone.” Despite the tears running down her cheeks, she sounded furious. “Let go.”